So here is a fic I started posting a few months ago and deleted. I wanted to make some changes to the structure and content. Here is a repost. The changes will become more apparent once the next update is posted

Usual disclaimer - I own none of the South of Nowhere Characters or storylines.

How I Spent My Summer

Setting the Scene – Ashley Part One

Hey there, my name is Ashley Davies and I am a screw up. Everything I touch turns to crap. You don't believe me? Well by the end of this ya just might. In my 17 years on this earth I have managed to screw up pretty much every good thing in my life. I am a walking disaster and really should come with a warning label 'Danger: will cause heart break!'

So what happened I hear you ask, well I fell in love. For most people falling in love is a great, magical thing. For me it just meant I was guaranteed to hurt a girl who deserved so much better. I brought a bag of issues to rival those of someone who goes on Jerry Springer into our relationship and as predicted ended up screwing it all up.

My girl is perfect. She is beautiful, smart, funny, kind, sweet and most importantly she gets me. She gave up so much to be with me. She ignored what everyone else at school was telling her about me and became my friend. Then she defied her mother and ignored the taunts and ignorant comments from the masses to become my girlfriend.

Spencer Carlin is the first person who ever took the time to really see me, you know. She looked past the cocky, confident bluster and really saw me for the scared, insecure girl that I am. That fucking scared me. The feelings I have for her are stronger than anything I have ever known and that's terrifying.

Spencer gave all of herself me without reservation and me being the bitch that I am I kept hurting her time and time again. Spencer was jealous of Aiden, my ex-boyfriend and current friend. I told her over and over again that her jealousy was stupid, that I did not have feelings for Aiden and that we were just friends. I just couldn't seem to stop going to him all the time, especially when things were rough between Spencer and I. I know that it hurt my girl that I would go to him instead of her, but I just couldn't stop myself.

I didn't want to hurt her I swear. She's my girl and I love her, I'm in love with her. I honestly think she is the only person I have ever been in love with. When I was with Aiden I thought I was in love with him, but compared to how I feel about Spencer it was barely a crush. I do love Aiden though, just not in the same way I love Spencer, she's my everything and he is just my friend.

Things were good between us, I loved her and was starting to deal with some of my commitment issues. Things weren't perfect, but they were real and that is even better. I knew she loved me more than I deserved to be loved, but I was working hard to be worthy of her love. I thought it was all going to be alright and then it happened.

One night and the world as we knew it changed forever. We were at our Junior Prom, I was with Spencer and she looked breathtakingly beautiful, like a total goddess. I can vividly remember watching her walk down the stairs at her place when I arrived to pick her up for prom. She literally took away my ability to speak, or even breathe. She was a total goddess.

Prom started off well. We were dancing and laughing and just having the best time together. It was like all the problems we had been having had melted away to let us have one perfect night together. The only problem being that I kept noticing Aiden staring at us and it made me feel weird, but I ignored it and just focused on my girl.

Towards the end of the night I saw Aiden by himself and went to dance with him, yeah probably not too smart but I seriously only saw it as a dance between friends. We were goofing off and then the music changed and a slow song came on. I just smiled up at him and put my arms around his neck so we could dance. It was fun, but nothing compared to dancing with my Spencer in my arms.

And then Aiden had to go screw everything up. He told me he was still in love with me and that he didn't want to be with Kyla. I started to panic, like serious hardcore panic. I was not equipped to deal with this.

I love the guy but not like that, I'm in love with Spencer but those feelings are so strong that they scare me. Shit, I was so confused and then Spencer came up. She picked up pretty quickly that something was going on, the look of dread on her face was heart breaking. Aiden apologised to her for not backing off like she'd asked him to.

Me, being the confused, fucked up mess that I am had a go at her for telling Aiden to back off. Spencer just gave me this look of incredible hurt and turned and bolted away from us. I followed her straight away, Aiden on my heels. We caught up to her outside and in front of everyone, it all came out.

Aiden announced that he couldn't just cut off who he loved, which led to Spencer begging me to please not hurt her by choosing him. I had never seen her look so hurt, not even when her mother was refusing to accept her sexuality. I was breaking her heart.

I then told them both that I would decide who I loved, even though I had no idea what to say. I think that's when Spencer really broke because she just screamed, "Then just decide!" The look on her face was heart breaking and I hated myself, and Aiden, because we did that to her.

I was about to respond, although I'm not too sure what I would have said, when someone shouted that there were guns. The next thing I knew I was laying on the ground with an unconscious Aiden on top of me and Spencer and Kyla beside us on the concrete.

Everything after that was a blur of sirens, screaming and crying. We got to the hospital, me riding in the ambulance with Aiden while the others caught a ride with Madison I think. I hated myself but I didn't even check to see if Spencer was ok. I just knew she was conscious so I went with Aiden. I was with him until they wheeled Aiden into the trauma rooms. It was looking pretty grim and I was terrified, despite everything that guy was my family, my friend and I just couldn't bear the thought of losing him.

Once they had taken Aiden in I looked around and found Spencer by the door to the ER. She was clutching a bloody wad of tissues to her hand and in that moment I freaked out, thinking she had been shot too and I have been too busy with my ex-boyfriend to even make sure she was ok. It turned out she just had a graze on her hand from when I'd dragged her to the ground with is after the shooting started. I was so relieved she was alright.

Then they wheeled in Spencer's brother Clay. He was in a really bad way. I held Spencer in my arms until her Dad showed up looking every inch the frightened, worried parent. I doubted my mother would have even come to identify my body if I'd been shot.

Not long after Mr. C had shown up and started demanding to see his wife, who is a doctor at the hospital Mrs. Carlin came out and told them that Clay had not made it, the look on Mrs. C's face will haunt me for a long time. For all our differences I felt my heart break for the woman who had watched her own son die. No one deserved that.

I watched through the window as the Carlins went to say their goodbyes to their son and brother. Watching Spencer break down nearly killed me. I wanted to so badly to go to her and take away her pain but I just couldn't. I had no words to make this better for her. Instead I went and sat in Aiden's hospital room a place I knew she wouldn't come looking for me.

I avoided Spencer after the shooting, after prom. I dodged her calls, only saw her one time and only sent the odd text message in response to the multitude she sent me. Yeah I hated myself for it too, I am a monster. What kind of person does that to the person they claim to love?

The one time I saw her between the shooting and the funeral was when she came to my house when the pain and sorrow at hers had became too much for her to take. I was so awkward with her. I had no idea what to say or do to comfort her. We both tried to ignore the elephant in the room, the prom and what had happened between Aiden, Spencer and I. I think Spencer was at my place for a total of fifteen minutes when the awkwardness over came us both and she left, running out of the house as though it was haunted.

I was so furious at myself for not being able to comfort her, especially seeing how wonderful she had been to me when my father had died. She had stood by me even when I pushed her way and snapped at her. She was fantastic and I know I wouldn't have gotten through that time without her. Now here we were, she was suffering like I had been and I was useless.

The day of Clay's funeral I was shitting myself. I was so scared to face Spencer, especially given how unforgivably I had been acting towards her. I had no idea what to say to her or what to do. All I knew what that I had hurt her so badly in a time where she was already experiencing unbearable pain. I was going to hell, no doubt about it at all.

Me and Kyla walked into the church together and slid into a pew near the back. Aiden had wanted to come but he had only just gotten out of hospital and his parents didn't want him to go out. I felt it was best he wasn't there anyway, there was no need to rub any more salt into Spencer's open wounds.

I felt my eyes instinctively move so that they were locked on the back of the blonde I love so much. She was snuggled up next to her Dad, his arm around her as she sobbed. I wished I could be the one to hold her and comfort her but I didn't have the words and felt like I didn't deserve to be near her.

The church was dark and depressing. There were arrangements of white flowers everywhere, they looked like something Mrs. C would have picked out. Up in front of the pulpit there was a dark wood casket with a huge bunch of white roses, a smaller bunch of red roses (I think they were from Chelsea) and a single daisy. I knew the daisy was from Spencer.

She had told me once that when she was 12 years old and had a really tough day at school, some boys were teasing her because Glen told them that she still slept with a blankie (which I had found absolutely adorable). Spencer had come home from school in tears so to cheer her up Clay had gone out to the backyard and picked a daisy from the garden. From then on each time Clay wanted to make her smile he would bring her a daisy. He had always been a good brother to her.

On top of the casket, next to the flowers was Clay's school photo enlarged so it was easy to see even from my place at the back of the church. Clay looked so full of life, so happy. It was heart breaking to know that he would never get to live the life he dreamed of, never get to go to an Ivy League college or see his and Chelsea's baby grow up. It was all too sad for words. This was one of those times where life truly didn't make sense.

About half way into the service the priest called Spencer up to say a few words about her brother. As soon as she reached the pulpit her eyes found mine and locked. In a church full of over a hundred people, her eyes found mine. I have never seen her look so fragile and devastated. She was holding on by a thread, that much was obvious.

She took a deep breath and began to speak, "Clay, my brother, was the kindest and most gentle person I have ever known. He was taken from us far too soon and for the rest of my life I will miss him. Clay was my brother, friend, confidant and protector. The past year has been one of confusion and change for me and Clay was their every step of the way supporting me and backing me up. I have no idea how I will face the world without him. Clay, you will always be in my heart. Until we meet again my big brother." Spencer raised her eyes skyward as tears ran unchecked down her cheeks. She looked over at the photo of Clay sitting on the casket and blew it a kiss. Then she sunk to the ground as her sobs became more violent.

I half got to my feet, ready to run to her side, when Glen went and scooped her up in his arms and carried her back to her seat. I sank back against the hard wood of the pew and felt tears burning their way down my face. I couldn't bear to see her in so much pain. I would give anything to take it all away. Kyla wrapped an arm around my shoulder and hugged me tight. I lay my head on her shoulder and let my tears fall.

After the church service we followed the family to the cemetery. It was devastating to see how broken the whole Carlin family was. Mr. C kept an arm around Spencer the entire time, I think he was all that was keeping her from running or sinking to the ground and sobbing. Mrs. C held tight to Glen who looked so lost, usually he was a joker and always mucking around. It made it all real to see him so solemn.

I glanced around at the people by the gravesite. I saw a lot of people from King High, teachers and students alike, plus at lot of people I assumed were family and friends of the family. A few people I recognized from the many photos displayed at the Carlin's. Paula was very fond of photos and had many displayed around the house.

My mother would never taint the professional decorating job by displaying family photos in our house. Plus it was harder to screw young hotties when you have photos of your daughter on the walls to remind them of your actual age.

It was clear to see just how loved Clay was by all the people present. Besides Spencer and her immediate family the most heartbreaking sight was Chelsea. She was flanked by her parents and kept her hand pressed against her stomach, it looked like she was shielding her baby from the pain of the loss we were all feeling.

The priest droned on at the grave side and I couldn't make my brain take in a word he was saying. My eyes were locked on the devastated blonde that I loved so much. I think she felt my eyes on her because she raised her head and looked at me. Our eyes met and held. I saw pain, hurt, anger, sadness and extreme anguish in her expressive blue eyes and all I wanted to do was to hold her in my arms, but I couldn't. I felt that after what happened at prom and how I had been avoiding her I didn't have the right to even breathe the same air as her.

Spencer tore her eyes from mine and focused on her coffin that held her brother. She let out a strangled cry and buried her face in her father's chest as the priest intoned, "Earth to earth, ashes to ashes and dust to dust." The undertaker began lowering Clay's body to his final resting place and I couldn't take my eyes off my broken blonde, not that I had the right to call her mine any more. It's not like we were broken up but it was hardly like we were together. I was just letting her down in every single way.

Once the coffin was in the ground the Carlins and Chelsea stepped forward and each dropped a flower into the grave. Mr. and Mrs. C dropped in a white rose each, Mr. C supporting his wife as she broke down. Glen threw a small branch from a pine tree (I think it was to represent that Glen, Clay and Mr. C used to go camping together a lot), Spencer dropped in another daisy and an ocean of tears and Chelsea dropped a red rose along with an ultrasound picture of their baby.

That service was one of the most heartbreaking I had ever experienced. It foreshadowed the continued heartbreak that was to come.