I gave him up.
He's gone.
He's gone.
My Gideon. My hero.
He's gone.
Gone.
I feel the sobs course through my body, shaking me by the shoulders. The tears fall and my hands fist around the bed sheets. My cries mock me. You couldn't protect him. You gave him away. But I had no choice. His father would ruin his life. Just like he ruined mine.
The tears don't stop falling, my body doesn't stop shaking. My hands are gripping the sheets so hard that it's painful. A scream catches itself in my throat. It's stuck. I need to scream.
No I don't.
I need my son back. But you can't have him. He's gone.
Memories, fantasies run through my brain. Memories of what our lives would have been like had we been normal.
But we're not. That's why he's gone. That's why I had to give him up. My baby is gone. I could have held onto him for a few more months. I could have had him for longer. But I couldn't have.
I can't stop crying, can't stop shaking. The sobs run down to my legs and soon I am kicking and screaming and yelling. Suddenly an arm slides around my shoulders, holding me upright. Long hair falls over my arms as Emma pulls me close, as I cry against her stomach. Her cheek rests against my hair.
I feel my sobs quietening down until they are just whimpers. I hold onto Emma's arms as I feel my face start to tingle with the aftermath of the tears.
Gideon... he's gone... I will never get a chance to hold my dear son in my arms again. And that is not okay.
I look up at Emma, whose own face is streaked with tears. I try to smile. I fail. I can't smile.
Not now.
Not yet.
Not ever.
Because I had to lose the person I love more than anything.
And that hurts like nothing I'd ever imagined.
Just a short little drabble of something I felt was missing from the episode. Like, yeah, I know it's a Captain Swan focused episode but still.Butow. This episode actually killed me. A mother giving up her child for the third time in the show. Yikes. Also I'm kinda depressed as it is so fuck it. Depressing stuff is what you'll get for a while. Maybe. It depends. Hope I did this justice. Let me know what you thought.