A/N: Okay I worked really hard on this and I have to say, I really like how it turned out! I was surprisingly really emotional when I wrote this; I kind of wanted to cry the entire time…..no idea why. Like I said there are a little bit of spoilers for the Valentines episode that I saw in a sneak peak clip. Nothing major though, like really minor so still feel free to read if you don't know what they are if you want to, really tiny spoilers. Anyway I'll shut up now and let you read and hopefully enjoy, this is kind of a character study type thing.
Disclaimer: I don't own glee, none of it. I wish I did but I don't, all belongs to Ryan Murphy, Brad Falchuck, and Ian Brenan.
Santana Lopez was not a nice a person. Everyone knew it, and so did she. She knew she came across as cold, a slut, and with lack of another word, a total bitch. Her knowing this was how she was perceived only made her tougher on the outside, but on the inside, it just made her sadder and softer. She puts up a tough front, that's always just been who she was, and that meant not admitting that it hurt like hell when people criticized her and in some cases even hated her for it. She knows that she is to blame for a lot of it, because of the way she treats people. Especially the people she is in glee club with. One thing she tried to hide the most with attitude was her complex feelings for every damn person involved in that club.
She missed Matt Rutherford. They made out from time to time but that wasn't what she missed. She missed his nice, shy guy persona. He was quiet and didn't say much, but that's what she liked about him. He was kind to her, sweet, and was a fantastic listener. She missed the relaxed vibe he gave her whenever he was around.
Mike Chang amazed her. Other Asian had some serious moves, plus his abs was not too hard to look at. In the beginning of high school when he was just on the football team, she always noticed that he wanted to dance. The way his feet would move, it was like this giant ball of passion that was just screaming to come out. She admired the way that now in glee club he was able to show off that passion but do it in a very low key, none show off type of way.
She couldn't really understand Tina Cohen-Chang. She was a difficult person to figure out, but in a way that's why she kind of liked her. Tina defied stereo-types. She was gothic yet quiet and delicate, she was deathly shy yet loved performing, and she dated people the exact opposite of who she was. Well I mean unless you count Mike being Asian too, but she didn't. Although even though Tina was difficult to read the love that she had for Artie, despite breaking up with him, was clear as day. This showcased how much compassion she truly had, even with all that vampire make-up.
Despite how nerdy he really was, she thought Artie Abrams was frickin adorable. The way that he truly had no medium between his super nerd clothes and personality and juggling that with a super-ghetto alter ego he seemed to have going on, was really cute. Despite acting like she was pissed off about it, she went home and laughed hysterically the day he asked her if he could make a gigantic omelet with the ostrich eggs that he accused her of smuggling in her bra. She thought he was also so brave, with dealing with everything he had to deal with and surprisingly actually didn't mind him with Britt. She knew the relationship wasn't going to last, he was still as madly in love with Tina as Tina was with him, but for right now, she actually thought that together they were cute, and as long as he didn't full out hurt her in the end, she was okay with it.
She never realized how amazing Kurt Hummel was until he left. Every day when she walked into the choir room she secretly prayed for Lauren to be gone (seriously what the hell was Puck thinking, she didn't care if she 'saved' him or not, she wanted the girl out) and for Kurt to be sitting there cross legged, next to Mercedes, his foot swaying gently showing off his new designer shoes. Kurt was an easy target to pick on, but she knows she can never do it again. She hated Karofsky for all the hell he had put him through, and that it lead him to leave and go to Dalton. With him she learned that a person who was actually tough and strong, wasn't a man's man jock with huge biceps, or a tough chick like her with a bitchy exterior, but someone who was not afraid to be who he was in this cow town no matter how much torture it put him through. She wanted him back and missed him more than she ever would admit. She had a feeling that day would come eventually, and when it did, she would greet him with a bitchy smirk that she couldn't wait for him to return.
She had a love/hate relationship with Mercedes Jones. She didn't hate her because of Puck but for really when she was on the cheerios and thought that even if she was nice, could out diva and in some cases, out bitch her. That was her title, and she didn't want Mercedes walking all over it. Yet she loved her for the exact same reason. Mercedes wasn't afraid of expressing her opinions and she could belt out some notes like it was nobody's business. She knew that when they did that duet together, even if she didn't get to go to Breadstix like she wanted, that together they really were, top disputed bitches of McKinley, and would be down to belt out some Tina Turner with her again, any time.
She kind of liked Sam Evans. He was cute and she actually hoped, while Britt was still with Artie, that maybe they could be more than just a little hook up. She was still unsure about all his feelings for Quinn, and he she knew they were strong but at the same time she wanted to get to know him. He wasn't judgmental, he was sweet, and yeah sure he was cheesy, but hey maybe she needed a little bit of that in her life. Even if it only lasted a little bit.
Mr. Schue was hands down the best teacher that she had ever had. Yeah sure he had a little bit of a vest addiction, but he was a nice guy and not only cared, but loved all of them. Plus he was a relatable guy, at this point his love life was a complete and total mess and that was actually a little comforting to know that teachers had those problems too. She knew that when she graduated she would miss him, his dorky white boy rapping, his man perm, and his cheesy but even more beautiful To Sir with Love speeches.
She hated, repeat, truly hated Rachel Berry. Hated her. She was self-centered, bossy, and just plain irritating. Plus words couldn't really describe how much it had truly stung when she told her that the only job she would have was working on a pole. She had to repeat to herself a million times after that, that she was worth more than that. However, she did feel bad that she had a part in ruining her and Finn's relationship. Despite how disgusting it was, she knew that they really loved each other, and that deep down Rachel was actually a good person and an amazing performer. Plus in some gross way that she hated but couldn't seem to get rid of, she was jealous of Rachel. She was so clear on what she wanted for herself, for her life, and she really didn't know about any of that yet. All she knew though was she would prove little miss diva wrong and would never be working on a pole.
Having sex with Finn Hudson meant nothing, but she did feel like crap for how she treated him like he was nothing. The truth was, despite his naïve nature and stupidity; Finn was brave. He was the one who joined glee club in the first place and often had stepped up to be the bigger man when people needed him. She actually just wanted to be his friend, but she knew he wasn't down for that, considering all the damage she has caused him. Even if she felt the same way about having sex with him as he did about doing it with her, it actually broke her heart to know that he just regretted it so much. That he just wanted to take it back so badly, that he viewed it as such a mistake. She could get over that though if there was a chance that once he got his life straightened out, even if that meant when he would eventually get back with Berry, be friends.
She has, over the entire time they have known each other, felt every emotion and feeling under the sun about Quinn Fabray. When they were close, in the beginning of high school, she loved her and was yet semi jealous of her at the same time. That she was head cheerleader, that all the attention was on her all the time, her reputation. When Quinn got pregnant and she found out it was Puck's, she was angry. Angry that she did it with Puck, which was the one thing that she had that Quinn hadn't touched. Although she knew Puck was never really hers, it just hurt her that it was Quinn who had gotten pregnant by him. What no one knew though, not even Brittany, was that Quinn wasn't the only one who had ever been pregnant by him. When she was fourteen, she got pregnant. It was Puck's, the only person she was sleeping with at the time, and she had gotten an abortion. She didn't want to but she didn't know what else to do, she was in middle school for god's sake, she was scared. She had always felt somewhat guilty about her abortion and she knew that was probably why some of her bitchiness developed over the year, but Quinn getting pregnant brought out even more jealousy that she felt about Quinn. Even when her life was in a total shit hole and her popularity was increasing, she was jealous. She was jealous that Quinn was strong enough to go through something like that when she wasn't, and that Puck really wanted to be involved, and care for her. She knew that was why she gave Quinn such a hard time about her pregnancy and about her baby. She knew by doing this that she lost Quinn's friendship completely, and that she most likely would never get it back. She wanted that friendship back more than she even knew.
Friggin Noah Puckerman. If there was anyone she had history with, it was Puck. He was her constant. They had swapped V-cards to each other on the dock house near the local lake on the night of the last day of seventh grade. From there built a relationship of pure sex. Not monogamy, but sex. For a really long time, she wanted more, a really long time. Then halfway through eighth grade, she found herself in a gross drug store with a positive pregnancy test. She sat on that floor of that drug store for a really long time trying not to cry. She could be extremely practical when she wanted to be and she knew that this was one of those times. She thought about telling Puck, and the fairytale part of her brain wanted to think that she could tell Puck and despite how hard it would be, they could get through it together and either give the baby to a deserving family, or maybe become a little family of their own. The realistic side of her brain knew that was unlikely so she picked herself up and got an abortion that very day. She avoided Puck for a while after that, mainly because there is a certain amount of time you have to wait to have sex after you've had an abortion, but because it was hard to face him. She thought about never speaking to him again and never doing it with him again. But instead she found herself going on the pill instead and having him climb right back into her bed when her parents weren't home. When he got Quinn pregnant and did everything to at least try to be a good dad, she regretted her decision and her lack in faith in her. But in that process he saw him look at her with such compassion, and love in his eyes. She knew that he never looked at her like that, and for the first time she really didn't care or even wanted him too.
She loved Brittany S. Pierce. She really, really did. Despite all the girl on girl sex they had or the feelings for each other they were unsure of and would probably test out one day, she just loved her. She loved her as her best friend more than she ever would a friend with benefit or even as maybe a girlfriend one day. She was her girl. She loved her well let's just say unique view on everything. It wasn't stupidity like everyone else thought; it was just a different view on it. Britt was her partner in crime; the two of them went together like peanut butter and jelly. Brittany was talented and beautiful and even if no one else did, she had respect for her like she did no one else. At first she hated her relationship with Artie, knowing that she was a main cause of it, considering she had blown Brittany off (something that she feels bad about all the time), but now she thought as of right now, it was good for her. One day though, one day, she knew that it would be her and bestie with benefits, and even if it wasn't, it was the two of them against the world; and she wouldn't have it any other way.
Santana knew how she was perceived, she knew how she acted, and she knew that not really anybody knew the truth about her. In a way she was tired of continuing to build up all these walls, barriers from people, but a part of her knew she wouldn't stop. That's who she was, but so far her high school experience, especially the part of it involving glee club had surprised her, so when it would eventually be time to leave McKinley, she didn't know whether she'd still be known as the bitch, or someone who used to be the bitch. Would she actually let some of these feelings she had for some of these people? She didn't know. No matter what though, whatever happened, she was Santana frickin Lopez and no one could ever take that away from her.