Me: ok
Me: so there's this chick who lives in Arizona
Me: who's moms all like
Me: I love a minor league baseball dude
Me: and like
Me: his job in the minor leagues
Me: is SOOOO important
Me: so you're going to forks
Me: to live with your dad
Me: and the girls like
Me: ok
Me: and so she's gets there
Me: and its all rainy
Me: all the time
Me: and her dads like
Me: hey
Me: I'm awkward
Me: and she's like
Me: I'm super clumsy
Me: because he just is
Me: and so she goes to school
Me: and she normally doesn't have any friends
Me: but all the guys are super hormonal
Me: and they're like
Me: omg
Me: make out with me
Me: and she's like
Me: um
Me: no
Me: but then she's sees 5 really really hot people
Me: 2 chicks and 3 guys
Me: but some girls like
Me: no
Me: they're all incestuous
Me: except that guy
Me: Edward
Me: and the girls like
Me: omg
Me: I want him
Me: and so she goes to bio
Me: and he sits next to her
Me: and she's like HI
Me: and he's like
Me: ROAR
Me: I HATE YOU
Me: LEAVE ME ALONE
Me: and she's like
Me: ok...
Me: and so then he goes missing for a week
Me: then he comes back
Me: and is all happy
Me: and like
Me: HEY
Me: WHATS UP
Me: and he's like
Me: ...
Me: ok
Me: and they become school buddies
Me: after he saves her from a crazy car
Me: that's about to hit her
Me: and she's like
Me: wtf just happened
Me: and he's like
Me: um
Me: what are you talking about
Me: Jedi mind trick
Me: but she's like
Me: no
Me: I saw you
Me: and he's like
Me: SHUT UP BITCH
Me: and she's like
Me: ok
Me: but only because I wanna lick your abs
Me: and he's like what?
Me: and she's like
Me: um
Me: nothing
Me: so then they start hanging out
Me: and one day, she goes to the beach, but he doesn't, cus he's weird like that
Me: and she watches a green fire because they're all trippin balls
Me: and some of them go off to watch starfish, because the green fire just isn't trippy enough for them
Me: and some Indians come
Me: not Indians like me and you, Indians like OOGA BOOGA WOOGA
Me: Peace pipe neone?
Me: and they're all like
Me: it's cool
Me: we got lsd
Me: but you guys can chill with us
Me: and one Bella sees one she kinda recognizes
Me: and it turns out to be Lupin
Me: and she's like
Me: don't I know you?
Me: and he's, yes, but to prevent JK Rowling from suing us.
Me: we grew up together
Me: and so someone randomly goes CULLENS DON'T COME HERE
Me: Cullen is the last name of Edward and his peeps btw
Me: and so the girls like, wtf, why
Me: and so she bangs Lupin, aka, Jacob Black, so he'll tell her
Me: and he's like
Me: cus we're werewolves
Me: and they're vampires
Me: and we don't really like each other
Me: and she's like, ok, w/e
Me: so then her and her friend go to buy dresses
Me:49 PM): and she's like
Me: I'm emo
Me: I'm gonna go off by myself
Me: but 4 guys pop up
Me: and are like
Me: were gonna rape you
Me: and she's like
Me: o shit
Me: but then the guy
Me: who's name is Edward
Me: pops in on his car
Me: and she jumps in
Me: and he's like
Me: ROAR
Me: TELL ME A JOKE
Me: and she's like
Me: um
Me: I don't know any
Me: so then she's like
Me: wait
Me: and he's like
Me:27 PM): hold on
Me: you almost got raped
Me: let's go get pasta
Me: and she's like
Me: ...
Me: ok
Me: so they go to a restaurant
Me: and she's like
Me: hold on
Me: how'd you know I was here
Me: and he's like
Me: I was stalking you
Me: and she's like
Me: I would be creeped out if I didn't totally wanna lick your abs
Me: and he's like what?
Me: and she's like I like to kick hags
Me: and so then they drive home
Me: and every day
Me: he picks her up
Me: and they eat together
Me: and everybody's like
Me: omg
Me: she's so hot
Me: and he's so hot
Me: they're so hot
Me: and so the guys like
Me: I'm a vampire
Me: and she's like
Me: that's cool
Me: and he's like
Me: doesn't that creep you out
Me: and she's like
Me: I WANT TO LICK YOUR ABS
Me: and he's like
Me: what?
Me:49 PM): and she's like
Me: I have sick...bags
Me: and he's like
Me: yea
Me: but I don't eat people
Me: I eat bears
Me: and mountain lions
Me: and she's like
Me: that's cool
Me: and he's like
Me: I know
Me: and so they're in love and crap
Me: and he takes her to a meadow
Me: and jumps into the sun
Me: and starts sparkling
Me: and she's like
Me: wait, are you a vampire or a fairy?
Me: and he's like
Me: a fairy
Me: but then people think I'm gay
Me: why the fuck do you think I'm dating you?
Me: but for the sake of selling books
Me: let's make me a vampire
Me: so she's like
Me: ok
Me: and so then he runs around and starts throwing trees
Me: then he's like
Me: I wanna eat you
Me: but I won't
Me: because I love you
Me: and she's like
Me: why the hell do you love me?
Me: and he's like
Me: well A, because then people don't know I'm gay
Me: and B, because you smell like you taste really really good
Me: and she's like
Me: of
Me: ok
Me: let's make out
Me: and so they make out
Me: but then he almost eats her
Me: and is like
Me: GOD DAMN IT
Me: NO MORE MAKING OUT
Me: but then they make out again
Me: and so they go home
Me: and he leaves
Me: supposedly
Me: but then he comes back into her window
Me: because he's a fairy-vampire
Me: and he can fly or something
Me: and he's like
Me: yea,
Me: I've been stalking you
Me: I watch you sleep
Me: and she's like
Me: I would be creeped out
Me: but I wanna lick your abs
Me: and he's like
Me: what
Me: and she's like
Me: forget it
Me:49 PM): were dating now
Me: I wanna lick your abs
Me: and he's like
Me: sorry
Me: you can't
Me: because then we'd have sex
Me: and id probably kill you
Me: and eat you
Me: so...no
Me: and she's like
Me: damn it
Me: so then she goes and meets his family
Me: and they're all vampires
Me: and she's like
Me: hi
Me: and they're like
Me: hi
Me: except the really really hot blonde vampire
Me: who's like
Me: YOU STOLE MY BOYFREIND
Me: and she's like...isn't he your brother?
Me: and she's like...yes...but still
Me: and apparently, Edwards brothers and sisters are all dating each other
Me: but Edwards the odd one out
Me: so then he goes and plays the piano
Me: and is like
Me: this is the song I wrote while stalking you
Me: and she's like
Me: ok
Me: so then they go to her room
Me: and he's like
Me: IM GOING TO EAT YOUR
Me: and his sister and brother run in and are like
Me: CAN WE HAVE SOME
Me: and he's like...
Me: I was joking...
Me: and they're like
Me: ok
Me: let's go play some baseball
Me: and they're like
Me: AWESOME
Me: so they go
Me: in a giant truck
Me: and play super vampire baseball
Me: which they run really fast
Me: an hit really far
Me: but then 3 new vampires pop up
Me: and they're like
Me: WE EAT PEOPLE
Me: but they don't realize the girl is a person
Me: but then they do
Me: and one guy
Me: named James
Me: is like
Me: ROAR
Me: and Edwards like
Me: ROAR
Me: and they're both like
Me: ROAR
Me: and everyone's like ROAR
Me: and then they're like
Me: ok
Me: we wont eat your girl
Me:27 PM): but James is like
Me: fuck that shit
Me: and Edward can read minds
Me: and is like
Me: I read that shit
Me: so we gotta save you Bella. I'LL ALWAYS PROTECT YOU!
Me: so Bella flys to phoenix with the brother and sister who wanted to eat her
Me: and she stays in a hotel room
Me: for a bunch of days
Me: and the other guys are like
Me: yea
Me: we kinda lost the hunter and his bitch
Me: who're looking for you
Me: because the other vampire left
Me: and so they're like
Me: shit
Me: and so she calls her mom to be like
Me: DONT COME HOME
Me: A VAMPIRES STALKING ME
Me: AND NOT THE GOOD STALKING
Me: but the hunter vampire gets it
Me: and is like
Me: bleh
Me: watch family videos
Me: play onto phone
Me: and calls the girl
Me: so the girl thinks the moms talking
Me: then he goes
Me: blech
Me: I have your mother
Me: blech
Me: come to this place
Me: and she's like
Me: I'm with fucking vampires
Me: how the fuck am I supposed to escape
Me: and he's like
Me: blech
Me: do it
Me: and she's like
Me: ok
Me: and so she does
Me: and goes to him
Me: and he's like
Me: blech
Me: I tricked you
Me: haha
Me: and she's like
Me: shit
Me: I miss Edward
Me: and he's like
Me: blech
Me: I'm gonna videotape you
Me: and she's like
Me: were making a porno?
Me: and he's like
Me: NO BITCH
Me: DIDNT THYE TELL YOU VAMPIRES ARE GAY
Me: and she's like
Me: o yea
Me: and he starts beating her up
Me: and he's about to eat her
Me: then Edward jumps in and bitch slaps him
Me: and she gets super healed
Me: and then her mom comes in and is like
Me: is he beating you?
Me: and she's like, OF COURSE HE'S BEATING ME, HE'S A GODDAMN VAMPIRE
Me: so her mom's like
Me: you should leave him
Me: but she's all obsessed with him and crap so she's like
Me: no
Me: wait
Me: I lied
Me: I jumped out a window
Me: so the mom's like o, that's cool
Me: then they go home
Me: and are like
Me: yay
Me: but she's like
Me: turn me into a vampire fool
Me: and he's like
Me: um
Me: no
Me: and she's like shit
Me: so then he takes her to prom
Me: but she doesn't realize it until they're there
Me: despite the fact that for the past 6 hours, Edwards sister's been dressing her up
Me: and she's like
Me: you asshole
Me: and they dance
Me: then the werewolf kid walks in
Me: and is all like
Me: yea
Me: my dad was on some serious peace pipe
Me: and he told me to tell you to be careful of Edward
Me: and to tell you we'll be watching
Me: and she's like
Me: great, just what I fucking need, more stalkers
Me: then Edward comes back from wherever the hell he was
Me: and they go outside
Me: and she's like
Me: why the fuck are we at prom
Me: and he's like
Me: because I want you to be human
Me: and she's like
Me: being human sucks
Me: turn me into a vampire
Me: and he's like
Me: BITCH NO
Me: and the book ends
Me: o yea, and it's twilight