The Button-Down Slayer
by Rob Morris

OCTOBER, 1998

SEACOUVER, WASHINGTON STATE, NEAR THE CANADIAN BORDER

After twenty years out of the unique and annoying bustle that Chicago had become for him, Doctor Robert Hartley had taken on a new set of patients, and they kept him very busy. Yet still, from time to time, he would accept new patients, sometimes only by way of a simple phone call. With his secretary and ally Carol's prompting, he took one all the way from the small town of Sunnydale, California.

"Mrs.--Mrs. Summers? Ye-Yes. N-No. I have--I have time. What seems to be your concern? Its--its your teenaged daughter. Well, teenagers can certainly be a handful. Have to walk on eggshells around...Me? No. I-My wife--we don't have any...No, Mrs. Summers. I don't think that necessarily means I can't help you. But--but you do. Oh-oh, you were just-just being strident again. You get that way. No, I didn't know you got that way---til you just told me. That's-that's usually how it works."

"You found out something about her, this previous summer? Oh. Actually, it was more like late May. Sort of a Spring Summers argument? No, I agree. That-that wasn't funny. No, it wasn't. I...Mrs. Summers, I conceded that it wasn't funny. You're being strident again? How-how about we knock that whole strident thing off, ya know? Your-your daughter said the same thing. Before-before she ran away. And then--after she came back. And-and when she almost ran away again. And-and when your best friend was turned into a zombie. Mrs. Summers? Oh. Joyce. Joyce? No, I think we can work with Joyce. Joyce? No, I'm realllly pretty certain we can do.....no, I'm Doctor Hartley. Now, Joyce....because I'm Doctor Hartley. Now, Joyce....because I have always been referred to as Doctor Hartley!"

"You're right I'm strident about that! You try a decade of school and odd jobs, and see if you don't get...Joyce. Wha-What did you find out about your daughter? That she likes to go around in the buff. Ohh—her name is....no, Joyce. I wasn't making intimations about her character. I don't even know her. Well, I feel you have to know someone before you can really impugn them. Yes, I'm-I'm sure I'm really a doctor. Now, you found out that your daughter is a murderer? Well, you just called her a...a slayer. Big--big S. Um, Joyce? How does that differ from a murderer? She-she kills the right people--who aren't people. Now, are they not people at all people, or are they just not people persons?"

"None of the above. Stakes. Clouds of dust. Big, ugly demons. Bigger, uglier demons. People dying pretty much right and left. Up and down. Principal is one big jerk. Gotcha. Does she have friends? They're-they're part of the problem. How? I see...Joyce? Maybe I'm a little dense, here...you could tell that. Well, be that as it may, how does helping her stay alive and kill more of these---non-people make them part of the prob....Enablers? No, Joyce. That's for an addiction, not an occupation. No, I don't care what the tapes you bought say. I-I know the guy that makes them, and he's a bigger jerk than your Principal. You know, Joyce. It seems a lot like you called down an ultimatum at the worst possible time, and she called you on it."

"Ok, Joyce. Ok. A long series of 'Duh's' don't really help us any, here. Did she-did she run off with a boyfriend, or.....oh. He's a....kind of a conflict of interest, there. He's in..she won't say where he's in. Where is she right now? I may want to speak to...oh. Is Xander Willow Oz one of those New Age bands....Joyce?"

Shrugging, Bob hung up the phone, and told Carol to send in his 6:23 PM patients. As always, the father began to argue with the son.

"Bob, Please tell him to stop trying to control every aspect of my life!"

"Robert, please remind him that he is my son, and that my efforts seek only to guide him away from a painful, pointless quest that nearly cost him his beloved wife, quite recently."

Bob hoped that Joyce Summers wouldn't try and call back anytime soon. Nick and Lacroix never took well to interruptions.