Why Not Use this Evil
Author's Note: I do not own Lord of the Rings, in any way, shape, or form. Middle-Earth belongs to Tolkien the Great, the character of Saruliel is the culmination of the collective Mary Sue masses, and the One Ring belongs to Sauron.
This could fall into the category of AU, as it is a parody, but then again, are not all parodies in fact AU?
*********
"Why do they find us so appealing?" exclaimed Lord Elrond.
Vilya stared back at him. Just because one is a Ring of Power does not mean that one can speak. Or in this case, it does not mean that one has the properties of a standard Magic Eight-ball.
"Am I disturbing you?" asked Aragorn, entering into the dim light of the chamber. Aragorn had never known Lord Elrond to talk to himself. Trees, yes. Himself, no. "You did call this meeting, correct?"
Elrond sighed wearily. "Yes, yes. Sit down, Estel." Lord Halfelven gestured to a series of chairs that had been placed in the darkened room.
"If you don't mind my asking, why was this council called in the cellar?" questioned Aragorn, taking a proffered chair amid the wine casks. He settled his Ranger's cloak about himself and found it odd that someone had taken the time to launder his clothes. Then he remembered. Aragorn had discovered long ago that Elrond's household had explicit instructions to clean anything of his that passed into Rivendell. Elves seemed to have an odd aversion to dirt, but that may just have been the Elves' aversion to dirt on their plush carpets. "And why call us together at such an early hour?"
"Something I would also like to know," added the voice of Frodo. The hobbits had arrived. Merry was towing Pippin in by the back of his shirt- coat, while Sam stifled a yawn and shut the heavy door. As soon as he was fully inside, Pippin seemed to realize that he was in Elrond's Extremely Secret Wine Cellar and proceeded to wake up.
"All will be explained. At the moment it is vital that we are not seen. This is a very secret meeting." Gandalf had come, prodding a bleary-eyed Boromir with his wizard staff.
"We're at a secret meeting?" Pippin was now fully awake.
"As secret as a meeting can ever be in the house of an Elf." That statement from Gimli.
Silence. That statement from Legolas.
"Good, all are accounted for." Elrond waited until they had settled themselves down before continuing. "Now, do we all know what will happen this afternoon?"
"Nuzzer Council." said Pippin groggily. As Lord Elrond had given him the "If You Touch The Wine I Will Be Sure To Put Something Alive And Angry In Your Rucksack" look, Pippin had gone into his previous state of being half- asleep. "Less secret."
"Saruliel will be there," added Elrond. "She will try to take the Ring. We know the process."
The soon-to-be Fellowship fidgeted nervously. A wondrous Elf maiden had appeared again, Saruliel. She would be there, at the Council. Waiting. Outshining them. In every possible way, She was perfect. The Fellowship shivered. If one could equate being in the Fellowship of the Ring to eating ice cream, Mary Sues would be the accompanying ice cream headache.
"Cannot we just kill Her, Master Elrond? My axe could slice a neck such as hers with ease. We would not have to put up with Her, and Frodo could perhaps arrive at Mt. Doom on schedule." Gimli stroked the blade of his axe fondly, and even Legolas smiled at the thought of the Sue waking up due to imminent decapitation.
"Do any of us know why our Quest is stopped so often just after the Breaking? Now we are back here at Imladris. I would like to see Mr. Frodo back complete the Quest at least once." Sam had voiced the opinion of them all. Caught up in an endless loop of Perfect Heroines, the Fellowship waited for Movie Two, which would perhaps lengthen the endless Loop of Sue. It was a manageable goal, going ahead one movie at a time.
The characters sighed. Surely this Limbo would end soon? Tolkien, their Divine Protector, would drive the Sues from the land? The Fellowship's unanimous message reached the Divine Protector. The Divine Protector would help his creations. He sent a single beam of inspiration to Lord Elrond.
Light gathered around the Elven Lord, illuminating the tiny cellar. "I've found it! The solution!" Lord Elrond sprang to his feet with Elven grace and uncharacteristic happiness. "This will solve all of our problems! Boromir-"
Boromir stopped drooling on his shirt and straightened up. "Whaisit?"
"When Peter Jackson and those funny men with the black boxes were here, what did you say to them?" Lord Elrond was practically shaking with excitement. Which, considering Lord Elrond's age, meant that he has received Amazing Enlightenment, such as one who has been told that they have been wearing their left shoe on their right foot and not known it.
Boromir pulled out his old script from the time when Peter Jackson and the men with the black boxes decided to follow them around for a Quest cycle. He brushed some dust off of the book. "It is a gift... A gift to the foes of Mordor?"
"After that, Son of Gondor." Gandalf, in his wizardly knowledge seemed to have guessed Lord Elrond's meaning. Gandalf was quite good at that. It was a useful party trick that he often used to confuse hobbits, among other creatures.
Boromir looked down for his next line. "Why not use this power?" he asked, glancing up from the script in a perplexed manner.
Gandalf furrowed his brow. "It is a wise thought, Master Elrond, yet the undertaking of such a task, let alone the convincing of the partaking such a task... It would be a quest in itself."
"If we were to use Her pride..." Aragorn looked apologetically at Legolas. "You might have to play along a bit, in the beginning, perhaps."
Legolas sank down slightly in his seat. Sam looked awestruck. The hobbit had never seen an Elf slouch before. "What would this entail? I will not touch Her," said the Elf.
"Come, now, Legolas. She is Galadriel's step-niece."
"Galadriel does not have a 'step-niece'." pointed out Gandalf. "Saruliel is a Sue. She is not of our world. Sadly, She must be tolerated." A moment of silence as the ten characters cursed standard disclaimers.
"I... I will do as is asked of me. For the good of the Fellowship." Legolas sighed wearily. Why did they find *him* so appealing?
Elrond appeared grimly satisfied. "We will use this Evil to our advantage. Saruliel is powerful, there is no doubt. Let us put her power to the test. She shall be the vanguard, staying ahead to ward off the danger that approaches. Perhaps without her interference you may see out your Quest to the end."
"She would bear the brunt of our journey. The goblins that Uncle Bilbo spoke of..." Frodo sounded thoughtful.
"She would take their arrows. And yet, Master Elrond, what would be our state if Saruliel were to die in her task?" Gimli questioned.
Aragorn and Boromir smiled simultaneously. "No more Sue!"
The soon-to-be Fellowship of the Ring leaned in closer to Master Elrond as the Elven lord outlined the plan. It was late morning before the group disbanded, wanting to rest and preserve their strength for the role-playing that would take place in the afternoon.
Author's Note: I do not own Lord of the Rings, in any way, shape, or form. Middle-Earth belongs to Tolkien the Great, the character of Saruliel is the culmination of the collective Mary Sue masses, and the One Ring belongs to Sauron.
This could fall into the category of AU, as it is a parody, but then again, are not all parodies in fact AU?
*********
"Why do they find us so appealing?" exclaimed Lord Elrond.
Vilya stared back at him. Just because one is a Ring of Power does not mean that one can speak. Or in this case, it does not mean that one has the properties of a standard Magic Eight-ball.
"Am I disturbing you?" asked Aragorn, entering into the dim light of the chamber. Aragorn had never known Lord Elrond to talk to himself. Trees, yes. Himself, no. "You did call this meeting, correct?"
Elrond sighed wearily. "Yes, yes. Sit down, Estel." Lord Halfelven gestured to a series of chairs that had been placed in the darkened room.
"If you don't mind my asking, why was this council called in the cellar?" questioned Aragorn, taking a proffered chair amid the wine casks. He settled his Ranger's cloak about himself and found it odd that someone had taken the time to launder his clothes. Then he remembered. Aragorn had discovered long ago that Elrond's household had explicit instructions to clean anything of his that passed into Rivendell. Elves seemed to have an odd aversion to dirt, but that may just have been the Elves' aversion to dirt on their plush carpets. "And why call us together at such an early hour?"
"Something I would also like to know," added the voice of Frodo. The hobbits had arrived. Merry was towing Pippin in by the back of his shirt- coat, while Sam stifled a yawn and shut the heavy door. As soon as he was fully inside, Pippin seemed to realize that he was in Elrond's Extremely Secret Wine Cellar and proceeded to wake up.
"All will be explained. At the moment it is vital that we are not seen. This is a very secret meeting." Gandalf had come, prodding a bleary-eyed Boromir with his wizard staff.
"We're at a secret meeting?" Pippin was now fully awake.
"As secret as a meeting can ever be in the house of an Elf." That statement from Gimli.
Silence. That statement from Legolas.
"Good, all are accounted for." Elrond waited until they had settled themselves down before continuing. "Now, do we all know what will happen this afternoon?"
"Nuzzer Council." said Pippin groggily. As Lord Elrond had given him the "If You Touch The Wine I Will Be Sure To Put Something Alive And Angry In Your Rucksack" look, Pippin had gone into his previous state of being half- asleep. "Less secret."
"Saruliel will be there," added Elrond. "She will try to take the Ring. We know the process."
The soon-to-be Fellowship fidgeted nervously. A wondrous Elf maiden had appeared again, Saruliel. She would be there, at the Council. Waiting. Outshining them. In every possible way, She was perfect. The Fellowship shivered. If one could equate being in the Fellowship of the Ring to eating ice cream, Mary Sues would be the accompanying ice cream headache.
"Cannot we just kill Her, Master Elrond? My axe could slice a neck such as hers with ease. We would not have to put up with Her, and Frodo could perhaps arrive at Mt. Doom on schedule." Gimli stroked the blade of his axe fondly, and even Legolas smiled at the thought of the Sue waking up due to imminent decapitation.
"Do any of us know why our Quest is stopped so often just after the Breaking? Now we are back here at Imladris. I would like to see Mr. Frodo back complete the Quest at least once." Sam had voiced the opinion of them all. Caught up in an endless loop of Perfect Heroines, the Fellowship waited for Movie Two, which would perhaps lengthen the endless Loop of Sue. It was a manageable goal, going ahead one movie at a time.
The characters sighed. Surely this Limbo would end soon? Tolkien, their Divine Protector, would drive the Sues from the land? The Fellowship's unanimous message reached the Divine Protector. The Divine Protector would help his creations. He sent a single beam of inspiration to Lord Elrond.
Light gathered around the Elven Lord, illuminating the tiny cellar. "I've found it! The solution!" Lord Elrond sprang to his feet with Elven grace and uncharacteristic happiness. "This will solve all of our problems! Boromir-"
Boromir stopped drooling on his shirt and straightened up. "Whaisit?"
"When Peter Jackson and those funny men with the black boxes were here, what did you say to them?" Lord Elrond was practically shaking with excitement. Which, considering Lord Elrond's age, meant that he has received Amazing Enlightenment, such as one who has been told that they have been wearing their left shoe on their right foot and not known it.
Boromir pulled out his old script from the time when Peter Jackson and the men with the black boxes decided to follow them around for a Quest cycle. He brushed some dust off of the book. "It is a gift... A gift to the foes of Mordor?"
"After that, Son of Gondor." Gandalf, in his wizardly knowledge seemed to have guessed Lord Elrond's meaning. Gandalf was quite good at that. It was a useful party trick that he often used to confuse hobbits, among other creatures.
Boromir looked down for his next line. "Why not use this power?" he asked, glancing up from the script in a perplexed manner.
Gandalf furrowed his brow. "It is a wise thought, Master Elrond, yet the undertaking of such a task, let alone the convincing of the partaking such a task... It would be a quest in itself."
"If we were to use Her pride..." Aragorn looked apologetically at Legolas. "You might have to play along a bit, in the beginning, perhaps."
Legolas sank down slightly in his seat. Sam looked awestruck. The hobbit had never seen an Elf slouch before. "What would this entail? I will not touch Her," said the Elf.
"Come, now, Legolas. She is Galadriel's step-niece."
"Galadriel does not have a 'step-niece'." pointed out Gandalf. "Saruliel is a Sue. She is not of our world. Sadly, She must be tolerated." A moment of silence as the ten characters cursed standard disclaimers.
"I... I will do as is asked of me. For the good of the Fellowship." Legolas sighed wearily. Why did they find *him* so appealing?
Elrond appeared grimly satisfied. "We will use this Evil to our advantage. Saruliel is powerful, there is no doubt. Let us put her power to the test. She shall be the vanguard, staying ahead to ward off the danger that approaches. Perhaps without her interference you may see out your Quest to the end."
"She would bear the brunt of our journey. The goblins that Uncle Bilbo spoke of..." Frodo sounded thoughtful.
"She would take their arrows. And yet, Master Elrond, what would be our state if Saruliel were to die in her task?" Gimli questioned.
Aragorn and Boromir smiled simultaneously. "No more Sue!"
The soon-to-be Fellowship of the Ring leaned in closer to Master Elrond as the Elven lord outlined the plan. It was late morning before the group disbanded, wanting to rest and preserve their strength for the role-playing that would take place in the afternoon.