AN: I know some of you wanted to know why Jane and Maura broke up in Somehow. Here's what I had in mind.
Be aware: no beta, I haven't even read through it, just straight from my head a late Monday night.
For those following Days Go By; I'm sorry to say it's on hiatus right now. Something with muses being brats, and a new story taking up all my heart and soul. I will be back... someday :)
You're pretty sure you have finally gone insane. There's no other explanation for the image you see. It's like one of your daydreams, or actually all of them. Because no matter the scenario, no matter where or when, she always came back in your daydreams. And you've been spending too much time closing your eyes and picturing how it would be, so the fact that you see her at the bottom of the stairs as you exit BPD isn't really a surprise. The prayers and wishful thinking had to blend in with reality one day. The real surprise comes after the first few steps. You can smell her. And it's what makes you sure you've lost your mind.
"Jane. I have to tell you something."
You turn around, terrified of the words from her lips. It's like the lighter version of 'we need to talk', and no good can come from this. So you brace yourself and swallow. "What's up?"
"I have received a job offer."
"Really? That's great" you breathe out. "What job?"
She purses her lips and you notice her hands are tense. You want to take them and kiss them, but the silence stops you. And you notice she won't look at you. Seconds pass and she still seems like she's trying to find the courage to tell you whatever she has to tell you. "What's going on…?"
"It's in San Francisco."
The words hit you like bullets. You feel a cold shiver down your spine as you realize why she's so nervous. "But… that's in California" you whisper, not ready accept it.
"Yes. I'm aware."
You draw in a shaky breath. "That's it?"
She sighs and looks down at her hands. "It's a once in a lifetime opportunity. A chance I won't get twice."
You stand up and shake your head. "You've already decided to leave…" You're not expecting a confirmation, and she doesn't give you one either. "Then I guess we're moving to California" you sigh, almost defeated, but you still try to sound like you're okay with it. The funny part is that for a split second you're happy about it. After all that's happened to you and your friends and family, a new start doesn't sound so bad. Maybe the monsters under your bed will disappear. Maybe you'll be able to walk into a coffee shop without tearing up because Frost isn't there with you. Maybe you'll be able to think about him without tearing up…
"No" she says and stands up. "You're not leaving your family behind, I won't do that to you."
"You're my family."
"Jane… I'm not asking you to come with me. I'm asking you to stay. I'm asking you to let me take this opportunity."
You swat away her hands that have found their way to yours. Then you regret it. Anger and sadness take turns in your heart. "You don't get to decide what I should do. I'm not letting you go alone. How can you think I would be okay with you thousands of miles away from me?"
"How can you think I would be okay with you leaving your family? You have your brothers, your mother and TJ. You and I both know you would be miserable so far away. They need you. And TJ needs you the most. You can't miss any precious time with him."
You scoff, it's the only reply you have. Because she's right. And you hate her for it. And you hate yourself for admitting it. Then you leave, still angry and sad, and you know you've made everything worse the second you step outside. But you can't make yourself turn around.
"Hi…"
A tiny word filled with so much longing, want and sadness, a plea for forgiveness. You grab the railing because you're not sure your feet can carry you down the stairs by themselves. Hearing her voice again is too much to handle. You want to reach out and touch her when you're close enough, just to make sure she's real, but she pretty much short circuited everything in you with one word. "You're here…" you whisper. So close, but so damn far away.
"Yes… I-I can go… if you don't-"
"No. Don't you dare."
For a moment, she seems genuinely scared, and you don't blame her. Cause you're quite sure you just snarled at her. She just stands there and looks at you, more beautiful than you remember. A whole year without a word suddenly seems like a week, and you know it would be so familiar and real to grab her hand and pull her close.
"I've missed you so much, Jane…"
All your walls crumble when she says your name, and you stumble towards her. "I hate you" you whisper and catch a glimpse of a tear in her eye before your lips are on hers, and you're too close to her to see anything clearly. She doesn't hesitate at all and wraps her arms around you and kisses you back. Smooth and warm lips, that familiar scent of her perfume that makes everything feel like home. You suddenly pay extra attention to how your bodies seem to match, and you find yourself wondering if you fit this perfectly together before. She holds on to you for dear life and you want to tell her you're not going anywhere, but you still can't believe she's really there either.
She suddenly pulls back and rests her forehead against yours. "I need to tell you why I left."
Her breath is warm against your skin, and you shake your head. "No."
She seems just as surprised as you feel by the word. But the feeling of her in your arms again is much too important, and without a word, you take her home and make love to her.
She finds the note under your pillow as you're lying there staring at each other. She reads it, studies it, touches it and she starts crying. You let her. Tears are silently falling down on the pillow, and you let your fingers softly roam over the skin on her back. How many times haven't you laid in your bed and reached out an arm to touch her, only to find an empty space?
"I had to go" she says carefully and wipes her eyes.
"No…" you whisper back. "You didn't."
"I lied to you. To protect you."
You want to object again, but nothing comes out. Your head is stuck on the first two words and you try to make it add up.
"I had cancer, Jane. It was serious. And I couldn't find a doctor who wanted to do the surgery, to take the risk."
By the way she looks at you, your face must be blank. But your insides are turning into a storm. All sorts of emotions battle for your attention, and you really have to focus to be sure you heard right. She puts a hand on your cheek and wipes at a runaway tear.
"I couldn't tell you, I couldn't let you go with me, to see me…"
Die. You crawl closer to her, burying your nails into her back. You can't control the tears that follow their leader and for a few minutes, you're crying together.
"My stupid genius" you sigh as you gain control over your breathing. "You should've told me. I would've come with you."
"And see you in pain? No. I couldn't. I had no right asking you to come with me. What if you did, and I didn't make it?"
"But you're here."
"Yes… I am" she smiles. "I know you're mad at me, and you have every right to be. And I will do whatever it takes for you to forgive me."
"I don't care. You're alive, and you're here, and that's all that matters." You kiss her, slowly, as to give your statement proof. But deep inside you know it's not entirely true. You do care. And you will be mad at her, furious, one day you know you will yell at her and say a bunch of stuff that's not really true. But you also know you will never ever let her get away again. Even if she wants to.