Rey had small faith in fairy tales, having given up on the notion long ago. Her faith left when she was a little girl, watching the small ship she had previously been on fly off as she screamed for her parents to come back. And yet, a small part of her still hoped, still yearned for them to be true. It was what helped her keep from sinking into despair during the long, lonely, sleepless nights on Jakku.
They'll be back, she told herself, they'll be back.
Sometimes, she would take the forgotten pilot helmet and wear it, imagining herself in many famous battles across the galaxy. Her favorite was when she pretended to help destroy the Death Star, the planet killer, and was given a hero's welcome alongside Luke Skywalker.
She accidentally blurted out this fantasy during a meal with General Leia and one of her Commanders, who's name Rey forgot. She could only remember the purple hair that stood out. Leia chuckled light-heartedly and admitted to doing that same exact thing herself. The purple-haired woman gave a wry smile that didn't reach her eyes. Rey could tell that she wasn't one to enjoy the notion of fantasy that much. Imagination was nothing but a distraction during war.
That small part of her was what remained of her faith in fairy tales, just the imagination.
When Rey first Kylo Ren, she saw a threat, menacing and intimidating, but barely even passing for a carbon copy of Darth Vader when her mind touched his.
When Han Solo had a lightsaber plunged into his heart, his corpse falling down an endless chasm, she thought of Kylo Ren as a monster.
He's the father you wish you had…
She hated him because Han was the closest thing to a father she had in what little time they had together. So, it wasn't with any guilt that Rey slashed her lightsaber across Kylo Ren's face, chest, and barely had the will to stop herself from cutting him into a million pieces.
When Rey saw Kylo Ren again, she still saw a monster. A monster that was hellbent on destroying any good in the galaxy. She also tried blasting a hole in his chest before she realized she wasn't in the same room as him. Somehow, someway, their minds were connected, and Rey was repulsed at the notion. She threw up in private when Luke wasn't around.
She felt filthy, filthy that she had no other choice but to endure the shared connection that link her with that thing!
When Rey first met Ben Solo, she saw hope.
She saw pity and fear and hope in Han and Leia's son, one that they believed to have been lost forever. Rey kept digging away at the rough edges, kept fighting for the truth, began to look forward to the rare moments when their minds were intertwined. Her heart leapt from her chest when they both reached out and felt warmth and light and hope.
A glimpse into the future. Ben would turn from Snoke and come back to the Light Side.
When Snoke's torso slid onto the floor, Rey wanted to scream in triumph. Ben had turned. Leia would have her son back. The Resistance had more hope and strength now.
The guards were a small price to pay, difficult to handle when they attacked, but worth it.
When their bodies collapsed, Rey had a big smile on her face, and was caught off guard when Ben rushed towards her and kissed her lightly on the lips. Rey kissed him back.
And that's when it hit her. She kissed him. It wasn't just any kiss. It was The Kiss.
They stood there for a moment, looking at the Resistance fleeing from the First Order on their ships, helpless. Together, she and Ben were able to get on board of a vessel and shoot as many enemy ships as they could.
When the main ship of the Resistance suddenly turned around, facing the First Order's fleet, and went into lightspeed, Rey gasped as the ship crashed directly into the fleet. In the process, it tore apart the main ship, and crippled much of the First Order's fleet.
When she and Ben reunited with the remaining members of the Resistance, Rey was surprised at the frosty reception.
Finn's hug was warm and welcoming. She didn't want to lose sight of her friend ever again. There was a sense of security that she couldn't feel anywhere else. Not even Ben could provide it.
BB-8's chirps refreshing and happy. The little robot would follow Rey wherever she went, catching up or simply just talking to her whenever they could.
BB-8's master – Poe Dameron – inviting and interesting. His grin and thanks hinted at a friendship. Rey could sense a glow to him, something about it made her think of Finn for some reason.
General Leia's smile was uplifting and congratulatory. None of their reactions were against Rey for any actions they might have somehow decided was criminal…
Their negative reactions were gauged towards Ben.
"He tortured and murdered countless people!" Poe argued hotly in front of General Leia at a meeting. Rey was sitting next to Ben and took ahold of his hand tightly. She saw Finn grimace for a moment before his expression became calm and stony. Meanwhile, Poe continued to argue against Ben as part of the Resistance.
"General, you have to acknowledge how ludicrous this is!" He continued.
"We are all taking caution with this, Poe," Leia said patiently, "I understand your concerns and I know how he has harmed you –"
"No, you don't," Poe's voice sounded more intimidating when it was cold and quiet, "You never had him in your head. Having his crimes on your mind and having him inside you are two different things, General, with all due respect. I refuse to work with the murderer, but at the moment, I have no other choice but to cooperate."
Leia nodded solemnly.
Ben spoke up in a quiet voice, "I…am very remorseful over my actions against you and the Resistance, Dameron…I would handle this the same way you are right now."
Poe snorted with contempt. Ben couldn't look Poe in the eye, but Rey could feel his anger storming within him like a flame caught in the wind.
XXX
"He tore me up," Finn said quietly to Rey when they were alone, "he killed Han, his own father, and he almost killed us. Don't you remember any of that, or is he messing with your mind, too?"
"He's changed, Finn, I foresaw his turn from the Dark Side," Rey protested.
"No, you told Luke, who told Leia, who told everyone else, that you foresaw him turning, just that. It doesn't mean he's a good guy."
"I made a connection with him, there's still Light. He's changed."
"Does that mean he's changed to the 'Light Side'," Finn put up air bubbles, but his voice sounded more uncertain than mocking at the part, "or did he just turn from Snoke and stay a bad guy?"
Rey tried thinking of a response, even while trying to pay attention to Finn's calm and gentle voice. Ben did turn, she saw him kill Snoke and turn the monster's clairvoyance against him. Ben helped rescue the Resistance with Rey, shot down their enemy together. Even In the few moments she sensed Luke, Rey could sense catharsis, peace and relief from the old Jedi. Rey had succeeded where Luke had failed.
"I don't want to make a scene by calling him out like that in front of his mom," Finn looked over his shoulder for a moment, his face sweaty, "but I used to work under him. Maybe not directly, but even the troops were scared of him. I just don't trust him."
Chewbacca had to be physically restrained and sedated a few times. Ben looked torn between staying vigil and storming off. Rey tried talking to Chewbacca, but mentioning Ben's name made him go berserk. Rey felt not just anger; but betrayal, despair, doubt, fear, and a broken heart. She never asked Chewy or Han about Ben, she started wondering if Chewy missed a killing shot back on the Starkiller on something other than distress.
And it felt like Leia's reaction was the hardest to deal with, even though she had welcomed Ben back with open arms. There was a vacancy in her eyes, a coldness that she herself probably had no clue about. Ben Solo might have turned, but it didn't bring back Leia's late husband nor did it bring back the Jedi he had killed. General Leia had suffered too many losses, but she was clearly trying to cherish what had been found again.
It was her quiet acceptance that stung the most.
Rey started spending more time with Ben; at first it was just sparring – where Ben dominated her with his sheer strength until Rey demonstrated the skills she practiced on Jakku – then turned sharing meals together at dinner, and eventually just talking.
Other times, they simply stared at each other and connected their hands together. In those moments, Rey could feel the same energy and hope she had back when their minds were linked. Ben's smiled were infectious and boyish.
Sometimes, she saw a flash of Kylo Ren in his eyes before it flickered away. Rey still sensed something in him, but wasn't sure of how to describe it. It wasn't like the Dark Side, it just felt…off. Was this what Luke was talking about? Was this how his fears began? Simply not knowing Ben down to the core?
Rey didn't worry about it when she kissed Ben again, this time, with more heat. When he returned the kiss, she felt the same passion behind it. They had to stop, because both of them were afraid of going further. Leia caught wind of it somehow – Rey jokingly blamed BB-8 – and tracked her down and then began talking about…uncomfortable things. Rey had this talk before, from one of the old crones back Jakku, but there was a sense of warmth and concern that went beyond simple instruction that wasn't there the first time. It had an underlying sense of motherly warmth beneath it.
What she and Ben were tempted to sacrifice could not be taken back afterwards, Leia had said. Take caution, take care, and take it slow. And they did. She never felt anything like it before, something so intimate and alive. Ben was just as green as she was, as it turned out. He was the more passionate one in the relationship, unsurprisingly. But knowing that his mother was watching helped him control himself.
It felt like electricity was coursing through her body, tingling down to her toes. Rey's breath would be caught in her throat and she felt urges she never knew before. Thinking of ice and snow helped sooth her body, grounding her. Rey avoided succumbing to these new temptations, only remembering the emotional attraction that made her hope and saved Ben.
Rey started wondering if Ben had always felt something for her. His desire to teach her when they had their first lightsaber duel might have been the source. There was a wild, excited gleam in his eyes that she had mistaken for manic.
Sometimes, Rey caught sight of Poe looking at Finn, gnawing at his lower lip while Finn assisted a chubby girl with black hair – Rose, she believed her name was – into a chair. Rey recognized the look on Ben's face, too, during meetings, when he didn't think she was looking at him.
Rose was neutral about Ben. Rey visited her in the infirmary every day, wanting to see the person that kept Finn from throwing his life away. They connected through families; Rey was abandoned by hers while Rose grieved the last member of hers. Their talks would range from engineering to the war to their hopes to promises from Rey to teach Rose how to fight and to the Gorgan in the room.
"I mean, he left the First Order," Rose reasoned, "that's pretty heroic. But…"
She looked down, Rey waited patiently.
"…but, I guess it's different when you don't lose loved ones. I know Ben wasn't behind the big dog fight, but…my sister gave her life for the future of the Resistance. Paige…I don't know how she would have seen it. Finn, he's a hero and nervous and selfish and so many things, but he told me he couldn't bring himself to shoot a single civilian during that massacre back on Jakku. Where he wanted to get away from it all…"
Rose stopped and took a deep breath. Rey remembered when Finn revealed where his allegiance – coerced – used to belong and her own concerns not about him belonging to the First Order, but at the idea that her friend wanted to hide. She couldn't call him a coward, not the way Rose would describe it. Rey didn't realize that Rose was still talking,
"…Ben Solo slaughtered people like animals. I mean, he's on our side now, right? He's helping us. Does…I don't know if that makes him a good guy, though…"
"Give it time," Rey said patiently, gently, "I didn't trust him at all in the beginning. You don't need to take my word for it, but…when we touched hands…I could feel everything. Can I tell you something else?"
At Rose's nod, Rey continued.
"I can feel something inside of him, but it didn't feel like the Dark Side."
"What was it?" Rose whispered.
"I don't know." And it scared her. But that was the last thing she wanted to tell Rose; taking that innocence away from her would have been cruel of Rey to do.
BB-8 was hesitant to go near Ben, because he knew that Ben was the one who tortured his master. But BB-8 also liked Rey and decided to stay near as long as she was around. Whenever Ben was in the same room, BB-8 would just ignore him.
Rey had no delusions about trying to get Finn to interact with Ben more amiably, the same went with Poe. On the other hand, Poe's initial outburst had helped him maintain an air of civility around him when Ben was in the same room. He never rejected Ben's suggestions outright, but still pried at them in a way of examination and critical evaluation. Sometimes, there was grim agreement on a course of action from Poe that made Ben brighten a little. Rey never saw him smile, though, she could just see his face loosen up by a fraction.
One day, when Rey and Ben were sparring, something flashed in front of Ben's eyes and Rey only saw Kylo Ren. The monster. Her teeth gritted, a roar rising from her gut and out of her mouth, Rey pressed her attack at a brutal pace. Slashing and hacking and cutting. Each block just made her angrier and it was like she was on the Starkiller again, fighting in the dark and snow.
You need a teacher. I can show you the ways of the Force.
"Rey, REY!"
Her vision swayed, and Rey started to realize how sweaty she was. Her breath coming out too quickly to follow. Her lightsaber deactivated and fell with a thunk! onto the ground. She didn't want to even look there.
The ground was scorched, dust clouds kicked up, things she couldn't identify sliced up. Ben didn't suffer a scratch, thankfully.
"Rey," Ben whispered, "are you alright?"
She pinched the bridge of her nose and took deep breaths. Her heart was pounding in her ears. Rey wanted to scream. She could feel something in Ben and the more she tried to understand what it was, the more frightened and frustrated she became. Kylo Ren was still in Ben's heart, Finn might have had a point. Was Ben actually on the Light Side or was he using the Resistance for his own agenda?
No. That way of thinking was what lead to the creation of Kylo Ren in the first place. It was what lead to Luke sneaking in the dark like a thief and being prepared to murder his own nephew. Rey forced herself to look into Ben's eyes and nearly screamed when she saw that Kylo Ren was still looking at her.
And then he wasn't. Ben Solo's worried eyes were looking back at her.
Breathe…just breathe.
Rey gasped when she heard him. Ben's reaction didn't change, as if hearing voices was as regular an occurrence to him as rain falling.
"Rey, please…say something…" Ben's hand caressed her cheek before she pulled away.
"I'm fine," Rey lied, "I'm not feeling too good."
She turned heel and tried not to look like she was running.
He can't hear me, Rey. Master Luke's voice sounded sad next to her; Rey looked and blinked when she saw him walking beside her so casually. It's better this way.
"Something's wrong, I just don't know what it is…" Rey said.
The same thing I felt long ago. Master Luke held out an arm, complying Rey to halt as though she were going to collide with something solid. He placed a hand on her shoulder and Rey noticed how it felt solid and warm. He looked younger, too. Was that normal with becoming One with the Force? She didn't mind, she needed something tangible.
I wish I were here to help you and Ben. Master Luke said with a sad smile. I'm so proud of you, Rey. You did what I couldn't do.
Rey's eyes felt hot. "I'm scared that I'm going to lose him, though. What if he hasn't really turned?"
You're letting your imagination get the better of you. Master Luke chided lightly.
"For a moment, I saw Kylo Ren in his eyes!"
For a moment, I saw Snoke in his, when I was training him. Master Luke countered. And look where my imagination got me.
Rey nodded. It led to the creation of the next Darth Vader.
I
T
"Ben, could I talk to you for a moment?"
"Rey…" Ben's eyes shone brighter for a moment when they took in the sight of her.
"How do you feel?"
"Tired, I suppose…"
"No," Rey said quietly, "I meant…do you feel…something tugging at you?"
Ben blinked. He looked down and muttered quietly, "You noticed. The Dark Side. It didn't leave me."
Rey flinched.
"I honestly don't know why I still feel the Dark Side," Ben continued.
"But you're one of us, now," Rey protested. She moved towards him and cupped his head in her hands, "There's nothing we can't overcome when we're together."
Ben nodded and smiled weakly, "I know. But something doesn't feel right. Whenever I'm with you, I feel…I feel completed. Unstoppable. But when we're apart…sometimes, I think it would have been better to stay Kylo Ren."
"And leave your mother alone again?"
"No," Ben said firmly, "I could never hurt her. If I did…"
It would destroy me.
The unspoken words that Rey knew were on his lips. He sometimes woke up screaming for his father, begging for forgiveness.
"But the Light," Ben continued slowly, "It doesn't feel right for me, either. I'm neither Light or Dark."
"Then what do you think you are?" Rey asked quietly.
Ben looked thoughtful for a moment. "Somewhere in the middle, I suppose…"
Between the Light Side and Dark? Was that possible? But…then that meant that the Dark Side would always bet there no matter how hard Rey and everyone else tried.
Qui-Gon spoke of this, he did.
Rey didn't jump – talking to Luke so many times had numbed her to the notion of people materializing out of thin air and appearing as apparitions – but she did want to laugh. Ben just frowned. "Is that a green puppet talking in front of us, or did someone put something in my food earlier?"
"You mean you can see the small green man, too?"
"Yep."
"I suppose we're going crazy together, then."
Crazy, you are not.
The green man, skin so wrinkled that it folded into itself. Yoda. The one that Master Luke had told her about in one of their discussions.
Made the Jedi fall, narrow-mindedness did. Either passionate and controlled, as Jedi. Unrestrained and destructive, as the Sith. Saw it as lie, Qui-Gon did.
"Qui-Gon?" Rey asked Yoda.
Jedi before young Skywalker's time, he was. Yoda gave a meaningful look at Ben. Knew your grandfather, he did. Wished to train him before death, he wanted to.
Ben winced and closed his eyes.
Reflect not on you, your grandfather's actions do.
Ben opened his eyes and stared, "What?"
Mistakes to atone for, you must. Yoda continued. Damage to reverse, you need to. Light and Dark, you are neither. Find your own path, you must.
"But…but what if this is the right path and I'm failing it?"
Yoda stared at Ben with a bemused smile. Luke had doubts, he did, at a young age. Rey's age, it was. Embrace the Light; fear the Dark, you mustn't. Stronger, both will make you.
"The Dark Side?" Ben scowled, "I made me weak! It made me a monster!"
You are not alone. Yoda nodded sagely. Alone in the Dark, you were, before Rey. Trust in her. And Rey must trust in you.
"Master Yoda," Rey spoke quietly, "I do trust Ben."
Not entirely, you don't. Fear leads to the path of the Dark Side. But fear can also lead you away from it. It teaches caution, it does. You mustn't doubt Ben and you mustn't doubt yourself.
Trust yourselves and trust each other.
Yoda's body began to fade into nothingness once more.
"Master Yoda, wait!" Rey cried out, "What about the First Order? What about the Jedi Order?"
But Yoda merely cackled, faded completely away into thin air.
Rey and Ben both stood there for several moments.
"Rey?"
Rey looked to Ben.
"Promise me if I become Kylo Ren again, you'll kill me."
"I promise," Rey said quietly, "And I also promise to not let that happen."
Ben smiled, "I know."
Their hands joined together, and so did their lips.
Rey had small faith in fairy tales. But for once, she decided to have a leap of faith.
I
T
Author's Note: Funny thing about this is I wanted the story to end on a cynical note, but I couldn't bring myself to do that. No matter how much of a connection we saw Rey and Ben making, I had to remind myself when re-watching those scenes that it wouldn't work out. This was meant to be a response to the idea of Rey and Kylo Ren still getting together and I ended up finding a different interpretation on Ben Solo/Kylo Ren.
Rey saw both Light and Dark inside of him, struggling for dominance. What if, in the event that he did turn for the better, that conflict would remain? What kind of person would he become?
A better question to ask would be: what kind of person would Rey become? If she wanted to take a step further in her friendship with Ben Solo – which she never will in the trilogy, I am certain of that after all that has happened – would she slowly start to see what Luke saw and act the same way? Well, when Jedi ghosts can appear to you and offer sagely advice, I found myself writing a more optimistic outcome with Luke still with Rey.
Ben Solo will never be able to completely abandon the Dark Side, in my opinion, because it is like an addiction. But he is still being brought to the Light Side, which means there is something to help balance him out. This also follows something I read when it was observed that Rey and Ben aren't just Light and Dark. They have a balance of both with them.
Who knew Yoda would be quoting Kingdom Hearts: Chain of Memories? I didn't.
I don't ship Rey/Kylo Ren because of how bad it would be in reality. Not with everything that happened. The relationship here is pretty stressful on both sides, but they are still trying to make it work.
Wow, reading The Bitter End, a Ranma ½ fic can really help you figure out how to write a tense relationship without devolving into violence and despair.
To any Ranma ½ fans out there who aren't obsessive over Akane, please check it out. It is an 80k one shot, but it is worth the read, in my opinion.
And to everyone else, thank you for reading my notes all the way through, it means a lot. Don't forget to review and share this to your friends.
In the writing world, I will see you. And May the Fourth Be With You!