Notes:
Follow up to (1) "Do You Ever Just Want to Give Up?" and (2) "Through My Eyes" and (3) "Strongest Together" and (4) "Time Wasted" and (5) "Silences". They're better together at this point - a bit of flow has developed between them.
If you've been reading these along with me, you know that I find Regina's character and her development absolutely fascinating. I still do, more now than when I started, but I'm starting to really dig caretaking-Emma too - and not just because she allows me to explore all of the broken nooks and crannies of Regina's character without leaving her damaged beyond repair. This affinity I've developed for caretaking-Emma is definitely a surprise but I'm rolling with it. Hope you guys don't mind.
Still SwanQueen. Still no sexytimes as my awkward is still legendary. But... I may have to do something about that eventually. Not quite sure how I'll swing that but we may see soon enough. Not next, but soon. Maybe.
Emma let her mind wander as she strolled down Main Street, Regina in tow, towards Granny's. The night was absolutely beautiful, one of those spring evenings that snuck its way into summer, and the breeze was gently pushing her long locks back off of her neck in a pleasantly cooling flutter.
Since they'd walked instead of driven they weren't strictly on time and the sounds of the party, already begun, filtered through Emma's musings as they neared the diner. She blinked her eyes sharply, pulling her focus back to the present then glanced over towards Regina, a snarky comment ready on her lips about dwarves and booze.
It died there though as Emma, now an expert at reading Regina, noticed a distinct deterioration in her mood since they'd left the mansion. She'd been a little quiet as they'd started their journey, but Emma had chalked that up to a tiring day at the end of a tiring week. Now though, as she realized Regina was becoming more and more dispirited the closer they got to the festivities, she feared she'd misjudged the situation badly.
Emma cursed internally as their conversation at the beginning of the week filtered back through her memory, cast in a different light with this new information.
"I was thinking about skipping Snow's birthday party on Friday. Would you mind going alone?"
Regina had asked the question nonchalantly, after two equally innocuous topics they'd been chatting about, and Emma had taken it at face value. And because she really didn't want to go to the party alone for at least a dozen tiny reasons, she had turned her puppy dog look loose on Regina without giving it a second thought.
"Aww, come on, don't make me go alone! If you aren't there all the dwarves will hit on me and Rubes will talk me into doing something stupid and I'll drink way too much and be useless tomorrow."
"I don't…" Regina had hesitated, seemingly unsure of what she wanted to say. "I'm not sure I'll be up to it."
If Emma had really been watching, instead of thinking about the Dwarves roving hands, she probably would have seen then what she was seeing now - agitation, dread. And if she'd been paying attention, she would have realized that Regina admitting to the possibility of 'not being up to it', was a huge red flag.
But all she saw was an overworked Mayor who was trying to keep her Friday evening clear when she really should be hanging out at Granny's with her constituents relaxing and celebrating Mary Margaret's birthday. So she'd pressed just a bit more, more than half convinced she was even doing Regina a favor.
"It'll be fun! We'll pick on David and watch Ruby drink the dwarves under the table and eat fabulous cake. You and me."
With that last push, Regina had agreed with an indulgent - or was it resigned - smile and Emma hadn't given the conversation another thought until just this moment as Regina eyed the door like it was a second gateway to Hell.
"Hey," Emma bumped her companion's shoulder with her own. "You ok?"
Regina pulled her gaze from the door to Emma and squared her shoulders, even as she answered, "Yes, of course. I'm just a bit tired I suppose."
Emma eyed her uncertainly, her spidey sense doing way more than tingling as Regina offered her a smile that only almost managed to reach her eyes.
"Come along dear," Regina pulled the door open with confidence that rang more of bravado than anything else. "Everything's fine."
Emma managed to stick with Regina for about half an hour before the natural actions of the party drew them apart. Emma was slowly pulled to the 'Ruby' crowd while Regina was pulled towards a slightly less colorful group.
Emma smiled when she was supposed to and answered questions when appropriate but mainly she kept her eye on Regina. Everything seemed to be going well for a while, an hour at least, but it must have been some sort of facade (Regina's absolute superpower) because as the party started to swing up Regina started to fade.
First her shoulders began to slump and Emma tried to convince herself that it was because Regina had been standing in her ridiculous heels for hours. But when her arms went from nonchalantly holding the drink she'd been nursing all night to folded casually, but protectively, around her waist, Emma couldn't come up with a reason for that. But still she hesitated, desperately yearning for the other woman to be having a good time. When she saw beads of sweat forming on Regina's brow and temple, despite the comfortable temperature in the diner, she knew she had to go help her friend.
Emma turned back to her own group and created an opportunity to excuse herself as quickly as possible then quietly slipped away. But as she finally headed towards Regina's group she noticed immediately that her friend was gone. Emma's eyes caught with Mary Margaret's, alarmingly full of worry, and her mom pointed towards the exit with her chin just as the tinkling of the bells heralded the opening of the diner door.
Regina had left, Mary Margaret was worried, and Emma was considering panicking even though it very rarely helped.
Emma thought she was going to be able to follow Regina right out the door but Ruby and her drunken pals conspired against her. Normally Emma found them to be a hoot and a half with their hilariously slurred words and disinterest in personal space, but now wasn't one of those occasions. She tried half a dozen times to push past the oblivious bunch but it finally took David's surprisingly insightful intervention, probably spurred by Mary Margaret, to get past them. As she finally stepped over the threshold and out into the night she churlishly vowed to kick Ruby's ass in the morning, hungover werewolf or not.
A quick look to the bench outside the diner revealed no Regina and Emma quickly looked about, trying to catch a glimpse of the brunette in the moonlight. All she could spot was the faintest bit of movement well in the distance heading the opposite direction of the mansion. Emma took another look about while wondering why Regina would be walking away from home then, seeing nothing, trotted after her try to puzzle out what the hell was going on in her friend's head.
It actually took a bit longer than she expected to catch Regina. She was moving pretty fast for a woman in heels and Emma absolutely refused to break from a jog to a run, superstitiously believing that putting that much energy into catching her would mean the situation much more dire than she hoped it to be.
But she did pick up her pace slightly and only slowed when she was drawing within arms reach. Regina knew she was there, but didn't stop until Emma placed two firm hands on her shoulders and whispered her name.
When Regina did stop all she did was breathe, steadily and quite deliberately; Emma could tell she had to concentrate on it more than was strictly normal. Uncertainty, Emma just stood there, gripping her shoulders and waiting for Regina to make any sort of move - give some indication of what was happening. She was the White Knight and the Savior and she would do anything for Regina, absolutely anything, but Emma just didn't know what she needed.
Then Regina crossed her arms in front of her and leaned back against Emma's shoulder, sighing from a place deep within her soul and Emma was blinded by the sudden clarity that all she had to do was be there. That's what Regina needed.
So Emma held her, and stroked slowly up and down her arms, breathing with her friend and feeling the guilt of pushing this evening weigh heavily upon her until she couldn't keep it inside any longer. They'd been standing quietly for quite some time, but Emma broke it to apologize.
"I'm so sorry I made you come to this thing," Emma started miserably. "You tried to tell me you weren't interested but I made you come anyway just because Leroy can't keep his hands to himself."
"Hardly Miss Swan," Emma felt the head leaning back on her shoulder shake back and forth once in the negative as Regina let her off the hook, much more gracefully than Emma felt she deserved. "My actions are my own and I alone am responsible for them. None of this is your doing."
Emma thought about arguing the point, knowing that Regina had attended for no other reason than she's asked her to. But suddenly that distinction seemed utterly trivial. This wasn't the reaction of someone who 'wasn't interested' in attending a party. This was something much deeper and Emma's knowledge of the former Queen's past made that a frightening thought. That was why she was out here holding Regina against her while she breathed, not to apologize for making her attend a party.
"Regina, what happened in there?"
Regina didn't answer immediately, and there was a time in their not too distant history when Emma would have wondered if Regina planned to answer at all. But somehow they were past that point and Emma knew she would answer her when she was able. That's how their relationship had been going lately - Emma would ask and Regina would answer.
And eventually this time she did as well, on a broken sigh and held only together by Emma's firm grasp.
"My entire childhood was spent at parties, surrounded by people I had never met while a mother who never loved me handed me over to every eligible male noble that entered the Hall. I never felt so alone…" Regina pulled in a shuddering breath. "Never so alone as I did in those crowds of people, being pawned off and refused like some sort of trinket again and again and again."
Emma forced herself to breathe normally even as the rage built inside her. She pulled the brunette impossibly tighter against her and wrapped her arms fully around her, offering silent support as Regina struggled.
"Later, the King…" Regina's breath hitched and she swallowed convulsively, barely able to say the title without gagging. "He would throw huge banquets just so that he could parade me around… show off his newest possession to anyone who would attend. Everyone would stare right through me and tell him what they knew he wanted to hear."
Emma felt Regina's hands fist tightly at her sides.
"And it was the same as it always had been, except the end. Everyone would leave and I would stay-." Regina swallowed again, a painful sound that pierced Emma's heart. "The King's possession, to do with as he pleased."
Emma felt a growl rise in her chest and she forced it away with difficulty, though it was likely Regina could feel it with how closely they were pressed together.
"That feeling has never left me... I am never more alone than when I'm surrounded by a group of people, waiting to be passed around and used up."
Emma squeezed her eyes shut tightly and rested her chin on Regina's shoulder. She had never met someone who could match her childhood trauma for childhood trauma until Regina and she knew what these types of memories could do to a person - what they had done to her for years. And suddenly, the desire to protect Regina from that continuing fate swelled within her so mercilessly that hot tears fell from her eyes with a suddenness that startled her.
When the first tear dropped from Emma's cheek to Regina's shoulder the brunette raised a hand, covering Emma's arms still wrapped protectively around her.
"Shhh Emma, it's ok. I'm ok."
Another tear dropped and Emma opened her mouth without thinking. "I swear to you Regina," Emma whispered fiercely into the ear right next to her lips. "No one will ever hurt you like that again."
The promise was many things, but mostly it was presumptuous and, honestly, Emma hadn't really thought about the consequences of making it more than she just blurted it out. But Regina didn't tense or pull away or do anything to create distance between herself and the foolish promise that she was worldly enough to know could not be kept.
Instead, she turned within the circle of Emma's arms and allowed herself to be held by the one person in this world, or any other, that wanted to protect her. And just believed.
Notes:
Well, that one hurt to write. Is it supposed to? At some point I'm really going to have to switch to fluff...