The first time it happens they're still in 6th year. They're not friends exactly, but they've given up any pretence that they're enemies. James has realized that poking fun at muggleborns for something like not knowing that unicorns exist is actually pretty bigoted. And Lily has realized that settling her quarrels with people in the most public and spiteful way is actually pretty cruel.
So they're kind of-sort of-but-not-really friends. And she's on one side of the couch reading A Christmas Carol and trying not to cry because it's Christmas Eve and she isn't with her Dad because he's trying to bond with Vernon before the wedding. And even though Lily knows that with the way things are between her and Petunia it's best for everyone if she stays at Hogwarts this Christmas, it still fucking hurts. And he's on the other side of the couch, writing a letter to his parents using his best handwriting because he wanted to be sure Healer O'Donnell will be able to read it aloud to them. He's also trying not to cry because even though he knows he should be home with them, he can't bear to watch them struggle to cling to life, and neither can Sirius. So they've stayed at Hogwarts but it still fucking hurts.
Lily finishes her book and pulls the afghan off the back of the couch and around her shoulders and stares at the fire instead of going to her dorm because she doesn't want to talk to anyone just then. And after James sends off his letter he returns to the couch instead of going to his dorm because he doesn't want to talk to anyone just then. She stretches out first, half-asleep and dreaming that she's home and her Dad is rubbing her feet and her sister loves her and her Mum is alive. James stretches out second because if her feet are going to rest against his chest he might as well shove his legs behind her back. They ignore each other and tell themselves they'll get up soon. But they don't. They fall asleep.
James wakes up when she kicks his solar plexus. Lily wakes up when he swears loudly.
She jumps to her feet. "Oh gosh, James, I am so sorry."
"S'okay, Lily." He wheezes. "I'll be alright."
She just nods and looks out the window. It's snowing hard. Far harder than it was before she'd fallen asleep. "What time is it?"
James checks the clock over the mantle. "Two."
Lily's eyes widen. "It's Christmas."
"Happy Christmas, Evans."
"Happy Christmas, Potter. Sorry for falling asleep on you."
"I think I fell asleep first. So I am sorry for falling asleep on you."
"It's fine."
James stares at the carpet while she looks at the fire. After several moments of total awkwardness he turns to boys' staircase. "See you in the morning then."
"Yeah, see you."
It happens again in sixth year under very different circumstances. She's in the hospital wing getting back her strength because after her Father was murdered she didn't eat for two weeks. When she finally allows him visit her she decides to throw 'sort-of friends' to the wind because he wants to be there for her and she can use all friends she can get her hands on. So she pulls him down so that he's sitting on the edge of the bed, throws her arms around his neck, buries her face in his chest and just sobs.
He's not exactly sure what to do but he rubs her back because that's what his Mum would do for him when he was little. He also runs his fingers through the ends of her dark red hair, but that's mostly because her hair is perfect and he doesn't think he'll ever have another opportunity to do so.
"It's all my fault." She gasps. "If I w-w-wasn't a w-witch. If I hadn't t-told him about the w-w-way things are! If he h-h-hadn't g-g-gone to that stupid, stupid r-rally-"
He grabs her shoulders and pulls her away from him. "Listen to me Lily. No, listen. This is not your fault. This is Voldemort's fault. This is the Death Eater's fault."
"B-but-"
"No buts. Listen, your Dad went to the Ministry with all those other muggleborn supporters because he believes you are worth it. You were born with a gift just like me and you deserve to be able to use it. You deserve it, Lily. You deserve a happy life and you have to live it." He's knows he's not making any sense but he's desperate to convince her that she is good and valuable and equal and worthy because she had stopped eating! And then she wouldn't let him – or anyone – visit! His parents are dying and yet he's never been more scared than right now, holding her skinny, pale shoulders as she shakes and shakes and shakes. He nearly lost her. And he's scared out his mind.
She opens her mouth to say something but instead just collapses on his chest again and he continues to rub slow circles on her back, whispering into her hair. "This is not your fault, Lily. It's theirs. I'm so sorry. Things will get better, Lily, I promise you. We're going to make things get better. Voldemort can go fuck himself, alright? None of this is your fault. You're perfect, Lily, okay? Don't forget that. That you're perfect."
When he realizes she's falling asleep he moves to lay her down but she grabs the front his shirt, which is now soaked through with her snot and tears, and whispers for him to stay.
"Lily…"
"Please James." She looks up at him, emerald eyes shining with tears again. "Please stay. Just until I fall asleep."
So he takes off his shoes and she makes room on the narrow bed. He lays down next to her and she rests in the crook of his arm. Soon she's snoring lightly and, even though he doesn't mean to, he is too.
Madame Pomfrey pokes his side to wake him up.
"I'm so sorry." He whispers hurriedly, disentangling himself from Lily's sleeping body and the scratchy hospital sheets. "I just fell asleep. I didn't mean to. And nothing happened! I just-"
"Stop your blathering, Mr. Potter." The witch hisses. "You'll wake my patient. Visiting hours are over. Please leave."
"Yes ma'am, of course, right away." James nearly trips over himself as he runs out, thanking his lucky stars that he didn't receive detention.
Summer comes and she's everywhere. James had steeled himself for their separation, expecting her to remain in Cokeworth until September but she's hasn't, she's everywhere and it's getting ridiculous. He feels like he's about to explode in happy confusion when she turns up at his manor with Marlene for a party, and it's only half due to the sparkly gold dress she's wearing. He's going to ask her to dance but she beats him to it.
While they dance and she tells him that she's living with the McKinnons and working in Diagon Alley. When he comments that that accounts for their many encounters she hits him on the shoulder and informs him that they run into each other because their friends and that's what friends do. He pretends to act chastened but he's grinning and she's smiling a bit too and it's almost like flirting but he can't afford to think like that anymore. Mostly it's just so good to be around her.
They part ways only to find each other later in the night except now he's got a bottle of firewhiskey and she some elf made wine and soon the room is spinning slightly and the guests are leaving but Lily isn't. He's sitting in a wing-backed chair and she's sitting cross-legged at his feet, laughing at something he just said even though he's pretty sure it wasn't remotely funny.
He glances at his watch and yawns when he sees the time. "Shit, Evans, it's late… early rather. Marlene's already gone, why don't I get you some floo powder?"
She frowns slightly. "You're nice, Potter."
"Yeah, so do you think you can stand or-"
She interrupts him. "You've been nice this wholeyear."
"Not all the time, Evans remember that time-"
She cuts him off. "Of course I remember. I remember everything you do. You're nice and mean."
"Okay." He settles back into the chair. She clearly isn't going to leave until she's spoken her mind.
"You're not supposed to be nice. You're supposed to be mean. Then I can hate you without feeling bad. But you're a person. And people are nice sometimes and mean sometimes and nice other times. I can't hate a person, James Potter. So I've decided that it's okay I don't hate you. Because you're a person."
He waits a beat and she seems to be finished. "Thanks, I guess. How much wine have you had, Lily?"
"How much firewhiskey have you had?" She counters with a raised eyebrow. It might have looked cool if she hadn't been moving her arms about so much.
James ignores her. "Right, so, I'm going to floo you back to the McKinnon's."
She wrinkles her brow. "I'm not leaving without Marlene.
"I told you, she left already."
"No she didn't. She's upstairs with Sirius."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
James conjures himself a goblet and fills it with water.
"What are you doing that for?" She asks, clearly happy to continue filling her own glass with wine.
"I'm a bit tipsy and I don't want a hangover. In fact" James takes her glass from her, fills it with water and hands it back. "You should probably have some too."
"I'm not tipsy!"
"Sure you're not."
"I'm not! I'm completely trashed!" She giggles. "Why is that funny?"
James just shrugs. He really wishes the room would stop spinning. He hadn't had that much firewhiskey, had he?
Lily suddenly becomes serious. "It's not funny! That's why! This is not a laughing matter!"
She decides that this conversation would be much better if she could look James in the face so she maneuvers herself so she's sitting on James' knees. She watches as his eyes widen in reaction to their closeness but she doesn't care. She has something important to tell him. "I am drunk and you are too and this is horrible because you're sexy."
James opens and closes his mouth like some sort of drowning fish in a vain attempt to react well to her proclamation. Lily finds him unspeakably endearing. She finds herself unspeakably pathetic for thinking so.
"I want to kiss you James." She explains quietly, examining her fingernails. "But I can't. Because we've both been drinking and it will be very bad if our first kiss is a drunk kiss. So I'm going to kiss your hand instead, Potter. You better enjoy it."
And with that Lily picks up James' hand, presses a rather sloppy kiss to his palm and drops her head into his shoulder.
"My head feels too big. Is it okay with you if I just rest here for a bit? You're awfully comfy."
Involuntarily James makes a small whining noise and looks down at the girl he's fancied for the past several years. She is drunk. She has no idea what she is saying. She won't remember any of this in the morning. He knows he should get her into a bed and get himself into a different bed but the room still hasn't stopped spinning and his hand is numb from where she kissed it and the numbness is spreading through his whole body and his eyelids seem heavier than an obese hippogriff and soon they've both drifted off.
Lily wakes up to a smell like death. After a moment she realizes the smell is herself. Stupid BO, she really hopes Marlene is right and that she'll grow out of it. As it is she needs a shower. Now. She cracks her eyelids open and winces at the bright light streaming through the ceiling to floor windows. At the sight of such grandiose surroundings Lily remembers where she is and more importantly what – or rather who – she's laying on. Carefully shifting so as not to wake the beautiful boy beneath her, Lily wobbly gets to her feet and stares blankly out the window.
"Shit." She breathes.
She had kissed James Potter. She can't even manage to congratulate herself for having the presence of mind not to really kiss him because she had still managed to thoroughly embarrass herself anyway. She had called him sexy. She had called him nice and mean. She had called him a person! How on earth is she supposed to make a comeback from this?
Lily decides the first step is to sneak out with Marlene and her dignity, return to the McKinnon's, have a shower and go back to sleep far, far away from James Potter. She'll figure out step two once her head isn't pounding. She doesn't make it halfway down the hall before her one-step plan is ruined by a certain Sirius Black.
"Evans, darling, you're up! How's James then?"
Lily decides to play it cool and runs a hand through her hair only to have it get stuck in her knotty bedhead. "How should I know, Black?"
"I saw you two. I'm an early riser." He replies smugly.
Lily gives up all pretences and buries her face in her hands to hide her blush. "Still asleep. And before you ask nothing happened unless you count me humiliating myself in front of James."
"Aw, Evans, I wouldn't be too upset if I were you considering all the times he's humiliated himself in front of you." Sirius chuckles, throwing an arm around her shoulders and pushing a vial into her hands. "Hangover potion. Works wonders. Now if we can find Remus he'll show you where the showers are and you can get cleaned up because Lily, you stink."
She glares at him but takes the potion gratefully. Soon Lily finds herself being shoved into an enormous bathroom and Remus is showing her how to use the complicated, magical shower and where the shampoos and soaps and towels are and handing her a slightly worn set of quaffle pyjamas and a plaid housecoat. She sees J Potter written into the clothes and is about to ask Remus for something else but he's already gone.
When she comes into the kitchen later Peter's at the stove making eggs and sausage and offers to make her a personal omelette however she wants it. She places her order and sits at the table next next to Marlene who is munching on some toast in a pair of boxers and a band t-shirt she assumes belong to Sirius.
"Morning Lily." She says wiggling her eyebrows slightly.
"Shut up."
"Can't a wish my best friend a good morning?"
"I said shut up. My life is over."
"Because you supposedly embarrassed yourself in front of James?"
"Shut up. Yes. I don't want to talk about it."
"Suit yourself, but I think he's still interested." She mutters and Lily looks up to find James standing in the doorway looking adorable. Actually he looks like utter shit but somehow her mind translates that to adorable because she's Lily and he's James.
She can feel herself blush as she walks towards him because she's wearing his pyjamas and housecoat without asking him first which is rude and a little bit odd. "Morning. Sorry about this, Remus told me I should shower and then gave me these to wear. I really did smell bad and my dress did too but I'm sorry if-"
"No, no. It's okay."
"Thanks." She decides lying is probably her best bet at this point because no matter what Marlene and Sirius said she had humiliated herself last night and she just wants to erase it. "Um listen James I don't really remember much from last night. I didn't do anything… weird did I?"
James shakes his head immediately. "No. I mean, I don't remember much either. But I do know nothing really happened. We just sort of fell asleep on each other."
She breathes a sigh of relief. "Fine. That's what I thought."
"Yeah."
"Yeah."
Mr. and Mrs. Potter are going to die. It's the one thought that runs through Lily's head through the whole St. Mungo's visit. She hates thinking it but she can tell. They look exactly like her mother did in the weeks just before she succumbed to the cancer. But she won't tell James that she gives his mother a month and his father less than that, that she's already thinking about what to wear to the funerals, that she's thinking about what she can do to console him and Sirius in the aftermath, that she's mentally organizing who's going to cook for the boys in the final week and in the weeks after.
She won't tell James because the moment they walked into his parent's room he rolled his eyes and pushed their beds together so they could hold hands. She won't tell James because Sirius could only stay for a few minutes before he left, eyes red and Marlene trailing behind him. She won't tell James because Healer O'Donnell told them that six teenagers visiting at one was really too much and James shoved him out of the room, declaring that after decades of Potters donating to the institution they had every right to do as they damn pleased. She won't tell James because this whole time he hasn't been able to talk above a rasping whisper. She won't tell James because Mr. Potter can't speak at all so his wife speaks for the both of them when she can muster the strength. She won't tell James because Remus and Peter spend the entire visit reading Much Ado About Nothing aloud, using different voices for each character. She won't tell James because she remembers the first time she met Mrs. Potter when she was visiting Marlene during second year and she thought she was the most wonderful, kind-hearted witch in the world. She won't tell James because she met Mr. Potter when he came to Hogwarts to help implement the new security measures in fourth year and she thought he was the funniest, most lively wizard on the planet. She won't tell James because when she returns from the tea room with a large mug she'd prepared just for him he's alone and holding his mother's frail hand between his own and is looking at them both with eyes full of love and pain. She won't tell James because she desperately wants to believe she's wrong.
James sees her lurking the doorway and he quickly wipes the tears from his eyes. "Hey, Remus and Peter are outside waiting."
"We're leaving?"
He nods and looks back at his parents, his Dad's asleep and his Mum is smiling a little bit, her eyes bright, and she doesn't have to say anything for him to know what she's thinking. He rolls his eyes and kisses her cheek gently before standing.
"They get grouchy and start to try to lecture me if I stay too long." He shrugs. "I'll come back tomorrow or the next day."
After bidding his parents farewell and leaving a note telling Healer O'Donnell to leave their beds pushed together dammit, he leaves with Lily. As they walk down the sterile, too brightly lit hallways she offers him the mug of tea.
He shakes his head. "I think I'm going to need something a bit stronger than that."
She nods and sets the mug on an abandoned trolley. They're walking so close that their arms brush against each other every few steps and Lily slips her hand into his before she can think about it and she's about to pull away but he tightens his grip so she leaves it. They join their friends outside the hospital, Marlene and Sirius are casually passing a cig back and forth and Peter and Remus are doing that thing where they look around and subtly check out everyone around them, looking for threats because you never can tell these days, can you?
"So what now?" Marlene asks.
James shrugs and Lily can tell from the way he's slouching and chewing on his lip that he doesn't trust himself to talk.
"Drinks?" She suggests.
"Sounds alright to me." Sirius replies. "The Leaky or the Magic Cat?"
James shakes his head and clears his throat noisily. "Let's get out of Diagon. I swear this place is driving me bonkers."
Remus nods still eyeing their surroundings. "Me too. Why don't we go to Muggle London? I've got some muggle money."
"Yeah me too." Peter and Lily say at the same time before chuckling at each other.
"Fine." James says, letting go of Lily's hand and leading the way to the nearest exit. "But I'll pay you back later, don't let me forget."
They wander a bit until they find a pub they like and after a few rounds they decide to wander a bit more because, as James puts it, "it's Muggle fucking London and I'm not going to sit in a pub all day when there are things to explore!"
This isn't the first time Lily's been with James in the muggle world but she's still amazed at how little James knows about it. She loves it though because his eyes are wide and bright as he takes in the sights and asks about cars and laughs. He's laughing and her heart nearly bursts because the world is fucked up but James is laughing and that makes everything a little – a lot – better.
The question of getting back to the Leaky Cauldron so they can floo home poses a problem because it's too late to walk all the way back and they're low on muggle money and only she, James and Sirius have their apparition licenses. They decide to take the tube back and as they sit down James makes a bad joke about the safety warning sign. Lily chuckles and makes another and they both lose it and he grabs her arm and she leans her head on his shoulder and they continue the stream of crass jokes through snorts and giggles and their friends just roll their eyes and ignore them. They finally manage to calm down but Lily keeps her head on James' shoulder and James twines his fingers through hers and places them on his leg. And even though they don't say anything and avoid each other's gazes they can feel the happiness radiate off each others' skin and he squeezes her hand and she squeezes back and its enough.
Lily wakes up to the crackling noise of the conductor announcing over the PA that they've arrived… at Hatton Cross.
"James, you big idiot wake up, we've missed our stop!" She hits James' shoulder until he wakes up and hurriedly pulls them off the train before the doors close.
"What's going on?" He yawns, stretching his arms high above his head.
Lily tries not to watch him stretch, tries not to notice the way his shirt rides up revealing his rather nice stomach, tries not to follow the trail of dark hair from his navel down into his…
"Um… We missed our stop, Potter! Why'd you fall asleep?"
He gives her his 'are you kidding me look.' "You fell asleep too Evans."
"The real question is where are the others?" Lily snaps.
This sobers James and his hand goes to his back pocket where he keeps his wand. Lily's about to reach for hers too when she realizes she has a note in her hand:
Didn't want to wake you two lovebirds. Maybe you and James can get a room at the Leaky and help each other relieve some stress! XO, Marlene and Sirius.
"I hate our friends." Lily mutters. "They're fine James, just being prats is all."
He looks relieved when she holds up the note. "What else is new? Can I read it?"
"Absolutely not." She's about to suggest they find a spot to apparate when she really looks at James' face for the first time since they fell asleep. The sight makes her turn bright red and and stifles a laugh. "James… your face!"
"What's wrong with my face? And… why'd you write your name on your forehead?"
She shakes her head at their friends' idiocy. "Use that mirror of yours."
Still looking adorably confused James brings out his mirror. "If lost please return to Lily Evans." He looks at her. "And your forehead says 'Lily Evans.'"
They look at each other for a minute and burst out laughing.
"This isn't even funny. " James wheezes.
"It's not. Our friends are horrible." Lily gasps between laughs.
"They are. We're going to have to get payback."
"Amen to that!"
"It sounds like I'm your dog."
"I don't even like dogs."
"Don't tell Sirius that."
"Yeah… that boy takes his connection to the Dog Constellation a bit too seriously. Pun not intended."
"You've no idea."
They've calmed down now and her their noses are centimeters apart. He can feel her breath on his face. She can see the golden flecks in his eyes. They both know their standing too close for platonic friends but neither of them do anything to change that.
"I should probably get back to the McKinnons." Lily tells him after a few minutes.
"Yeah, Sirius hates sleeping in the manor alone so I better get going too."
"Guess I'll just apparate on the other side of that pillar then. You know, in case someone comes by."
He blushes then. "Yeah… hey Lily, thanks for everything today. I- it was good. A better day than I've had in a long time."
"I didn't do anything."
He blushes harder. "Yes you did."
And now she's blushing too because they're both thinking it – that things are just so much better when they're together than when they're apart – but neither can say it. Not yet. "Well, I enjoyed myself too."
"I know." He replies and they move apart. It doesn't feel bad but it certainly doesn't feel good. "See you later then. Owl me when you get home safe."
"You too, okay? See you later."
Lily finds him sitting on a couch in one of the many halls upstairs. The funeral was earlier today. Just one. His father passed six days ago, his mother followed him two days after. On the one hand it's a blessing that they went so close together. On the other hand… well on the other hand it's fucking awful.
"Hey."
He looks up and doesn't even try to hide the tears streaming down his face. "What do you want?"
She ignores the harshness of his voice. "I made some tea."
"Don't want any."
"Remus was going to-"
"Not interested."
She nods, understanding perfectly his situation. "Well we're all downstairs if you want us. Except Sirius of course I- I don't really know where he is."
"Come here Lily."
"I- what?"
"Come here." He demands again. Eyes bright and hard.
She approaches him slowly, she's not scared but she is hesitant about what he might do in his state of grief. If he might do something he'll regret later. If she might do something she'll regret later.
When she's standing in front of him he takes her hands, places them on his head, wraps his arms around her waist and presses his face against her middle, glasses poking into her stomach. Then he sobs. Loudly. Wetly. Continuously. Hiccupping every few seconds. Gripping her waist tightly. After a few seconds he pulls away and tries to get a grip of himself.
"I'm sorry Lily, sorry, this is-"
"Shh." She tells him, running her hands gently through his hair. "It's okay. I don't mind."
This seems to calm him but he's still crying, tears flowing quickly down his cheeks and onto his dress robes. Eventually he breaks the silence.
"I'm an orphan." He whispers. "I'm a fucking orphan. And I know you are too and so is Sirius now and so are lots of kids these days and I mean, I'm of age so it really doesn't matter and I shouldn't be so upset but-"
She turns his head up, forcing him to meet her eyes. "Don't you fucking dare do that to yourself James Potter. You're sad. You're grieving. It's completely and totally normal and even if it wasn't I don't give a damn and neither should you. Don't you fucking dare guilt yourself about what you feel." She softens her tone and runs her fingers through his hair. "Let the feelings come and go naturally, okay?"
His lip trembles a bit and then his face is pressed against her stomach again and he's keening, just sort of letting out a low, wordless scream and it makes her soul shudder. She doesn't know what to say, she's been through this herself but she still doesn't know what to say. All she knows is that she's crying too and her heart feels bruised and cracked.
"It hurts." He manages to say between sobs.
"I know."
"Can't you make it stop?"
"No. I can't."
"Fuck."
"Fuck." She agrees.
Her legs grow numb but she's rooted to the spot and he's still crying albeit silently now. The silence is so complete, so oppressive that they feel as though they are going to suffocate. Neither one breaks it. It might be nice, they both think, to be suffocated. Just a little bit. Just for a little while. Please?
They don't suffocate. He falls asleep instead. And he's still crying, even in his sleep but he's snoring too and she slowly, slowly lays him down on the couch. She takes off his shoes and then her own and lies next to him because fuck it all she wants to, okay?
Lily wakes up with the sun. She looks over to see James awake too, curled around her stiff body and playing with the ends of her hair. She wants to stay like this forever but she can't. It wouldn't be fair to either of them. She shouldn't have even stayed with him last night.
"Good morning." She says trying to keep all emotion from her voice.
"Thanks for staying with me last night."
"No problem."
"Are we just going to… act like nothing's changed?"
"Yep."
"Of fucking course we are."
She sits up and glares at him. "James stop. Just stop. It wouldn't be fair to either of us, you're in no condition to…"
He sits up too and moves so that no part of them are touching. "I think I'll be the judge of that, thanks."
"James you know that you're not well right now."
"Glad to know you think I'm a nutter."
"Will you stop twisting my words?"
"Will you stop being such a stupid bitch about all this?"
She waits a beat to see if he'll show any signs of regretting his words. He doesn't. "Your parents are dead. I'm sorry. But that's not an excuse to be horrible to me or to… to demand that I give you something that I'm not ready to give you."
"Actions speak louder than words, Evans. If you're not 'ready' to give me something. Stop fucking leading me on."
"I'm not leading you on!" She yells.
"Really? Well I'm feeling really led on right now!" He screams back.
"Well you're misinterpreting things then." She snaps.
"Misinterpreting that you slept next to me when you had no bloody reason to?!" He replies coldly.
She bites her lip. "We're- we're friends, James. And I wanted to, so I did and-"
He cuts her off. "You say we're friends but we've been acting like we're more than that since Easter at least. And I'm just supposed to forget about it and let you forget about it? Actions have consequences and I'm not asking for- for anything. I just don't want to have to act like it didn't happen."
"Alright fine then!" She throws her hands up in surrender. "Hypothetically, if we don't 'act like nothing happened' how the hell are we supposed to act now that we've fallen asleep on each other… again?"
James shrugs. "I don't fucking know. I buried my parents yesterday. I need time and space to grieve."
Her jaw drops. Wasn't that just what she was suggesting? "Are you kidding me? So what am I supposed to do?"
He just shrugs again. As if he truly doesn't care. "I don't know. What do you want to do?"
She bites her tongue to keep from saying I want to forget about it. "Figure out proper boundaries? I don't know!"
He furrows his brow. "Maybe… maybe if we just put this conversation on hold. Like I said I'm grieving so I'm not really sure what to do about it right now."
"Isn't that the same thing as forgetting about it?" She asks through gritted teeth.
"No." He shakes his head. "We're postponing the awkward 'where do we stand when it comes to each other' conversation. We're not saying that conversation will never happen. I just... I want to know that's you're open to talking about it."
She sighs and runs a hand through her hair. "Fine, James, I'll let you have this one. But right now I'm going to go help Peter with breakfast."
It's the last week of September and amidst all the craziness of settling in and getting the school year rolling and organizing prefects and learning the ropes of being Head students neither James nor Lily have done anything about the postponed conversation. Nor have they done anything about McGonagall's two foot long essay and so they agree to meet in the Head offices after dinner to help each other out.
The evening is spent between talking about their essays rather than working on them because they have to break up three spats while the teachers are in a staff meeting. After the staff meeting someone starts an inter-house, inter-year shouting match that quickly snowballs into a duel involving no less than seventeen students. Their about to settle into their office when the new DADA professor asks for their backup on breaking up some type of ritual some Slytherins are trying to perform in the dungeons. It's probably the stupidest thing they've ever done considering every Slytherin - blood purist or not - has made it clear they don't recognize James and Lily as an authority. Still, a professor asked for help and their first duty it to support the Hogwart's staff.
It's an hour past curfew by the time they're able to get back to their office and all they want to do is go to bed but they still have the damn essay to write. They decide to at least finish their outlines and to keep their alertness up (as James puts it) they break out their stash of butterbeer from Hogsmeade and mince pies from Mrs. McKinnon. It doesn't work.
James wakes up, his entire body sore, to see the gray sky is tinged with pink and Lily is asleep next to him in a position similar to his own: legs curled up onto to seat of the hard wooden chair, arms pressed between her head and the table. She's weary. She's beautiful. And since his parents passed a heavy darkness has shadowed the corners of his mind but looking at her, being with her makes it easier to focus on the light. He hates to wake her up but he knows she'd prefer to not spend the entire night asleep on a table.
"Lily. Lily wake up! It's- we fell asleep. It's nearly five."
She leaps to her feet and points her wand ahead of her. When she looks at him her expression changes from battle-ready to bemused. "You've got mince pie on your forehead."
"What?" He raises his hand to his head only to find that's she's right.
"Here, let me help you." She brings out a napkin and wipes the mess off his face.
"Am I good?"
"Not bad." She smiles, rolling her eyes a bit. "Considering you have the table manners of a three-year-old."
"Hey! It's not my fault I fell asleep on my slice of pie."
"Are you implying that it's mine?"
"Obviously. There was only so much room on that desk and you were selfishly taking up most of it."
"I resent that statement. I wouldn't have fallen asleep if you hadn't been droning about the effects being an animagus has on a person's appetite as if you knew anything on the subject."
"I wasn't droning, I was rambling and you're the one who chose animagi as your topic."
"And now it's nearly five in the morning, Potter."
"That it is, Evans."
They begin gathering their papers and quills and bottles of ink and cleaning up the empty bottles of butterbeer and half-eaten pies.
Lily takes a deep breath and looks James in the eye. "James are you ever going to reopen that postponed conversation?"
James give her a strange look. "What do you mean am I going to bring it up? You decide when we bring it up."
"But it was postponed because you were preoccupied with your parents and everything."
"No we postponed it because you didn't want it to happen the day after the funeral."
They stare at each other for a minute before laughing at themselves.
"So were you..." James begins.
"Impatiently waiting for you to be ready?" Lily finishes. "Yes."
"Me too. Thought you'd changed your mind completely about... me and stuff."
"I thought you had."
"Oh never."
"Ditto on that one. We're such idiots."
"Ditto on that one."
They continue to put the room back to rights, there's a prefect meeting tomorrow, or rather later that day, and they'll need the table to seat everyone. They yawn and avoid each other's gazes as they go about their business because the conversation is now open but neither of them really know what to say. 'I think I love you.' 'What if we break up.' 'What will our friends say?' 'What will our enemies say?' 'What will happen after school?' 'What if we fight too much?' 'I just really want to snog you.'
James takes a deep breath and decides to be the man. "I'm just sick of pretending Lily. Aren't you sick of pretending?"
Lily shakes her head slightly. "James, we haven't been pretending since... I don't know when. It's like we're pretending to pretend."
"Why?"
She shrugs. "It's scary. Aren't you scared?"
He nods. "Yeah, I really am."
"I don't think we've thought about this enough." Lily says honestly. "This is big and serious and there are so so so many implications. There's probably a wise way of going about this but..."
"But?"
"I'm sick of being scared. And I can't change that any more than I can change fancying the pants off you. But I can stop acting like I'm scared. And when faced with the choice: I want to stop acting like I'm scared and start acting like I fancy the pants off you."
He's grinning now and moves closer to her, lacing their fingers together. "Please, Evans. You already act like you fancy the pants off me."
"Oh really?" She grins closing the space between them so her mouth is millimeters away from his.
"Oh yeah. Padfoot reckons-"
She raises an eyebrow. "Are you really going to talk about your best mate right before I kiss you for the first time."
"Uh, no. Definitely not."
"That's what I thought."
Disclaimer: Lily and James belong to JK Rowling
The title comes from the song Hopipolla by Sigur Ros (listen to the song, read the translation, basically it's the best song ever!)
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