If I Lose Myself
Chapter 1
It's just the same old routine, day in and day out. Wake up, get ready for school, sit through boring classes, go home, do homework, go to sleep. Same old routine. I am sure there is a trench in the ground made by my constant foot paths. And you know what makes it all the better? I am ignored, my existence invisible to all eyes, even to my brother. I've learned to live with it in the past years.
However, I would be lying if I said I wasn't lonely or bothered by it once in a while. One cannot stay in their room all day, reading or whatever one might do to amuse their self. You need friends to keep you sane and sociable. I would consider myself anti-social, usually happy in my world of distance places and people who actually notice you. Though, I long for at least one friend. One I can tell things to, hang out with.
Alfred has lots of friends. With being the popular jock at school, I guess that just comes with it. Every weekend, he leaves the house to go party or go out. Then you have me, curled up on my bed, doing nothing worthwhile or going out into the world with a happy face and a friend at my side.
Today was the same as any day. School was alright besides getting showed into a locker and stumbling down the stairs from the impatient people who never see you. Ah yes, how lovely.
Only one more year in this place besides this year. I hope that once I leave this place, I'll be noticed by others. A new environment with new people. Yes, that's what I wish for. But until then, I have to make it through.
"Hey! Mattie! I need some help!"
The only time Alfred realizes my existence is when he wants something. I love it. "I'll be there in a minute!"
I walk out of my room and down the stairs where I see Al trying to move the kitchen table. At this point, he is failing at the task. I lift up the other end of the large table, following him to wherever he wants to put it.
"Thanks! I have to move things around for the party tonight! I already moved the rest of the things and cleaned the pool, but I can never move this damn thing." Al said. Great. Al's having a party. I suppose that is expected, since mom and dad are away on yet another business trip. That means I have to listen to the yells of drunks and the vibrations of a bass from the ear-drum blasting music tonight. And I also have to clean everything up in the end because Al is too lazy to do it himself.
"Yeah, whatever. You better clean everything up tomorrow."
"Of course!" Lie. If only he would do it.
I head back up to my room and lock the door. I look around for something to do. It's only about 3 o'clock and the party probably won't start till about 6 or so. I decide to grab my sketch pad and my IPod. I suppose going outside would be good for me. I really do need to get out more often. And since its fall, the weather won't be blistering hot like in the summer. However, it is still rather warm out these days- I guess that's why Al said he cleaned the pool. Might as well use it while it's still 75 degrees out.
I leave the house stepping onto the walkway. I look back, picturing what it would look like after the party; a mess with red solo cups and beer cans littering the ground.
My family and I are pretty well off. Our house isn't one where you would just look and go on your merry way. I like it, but it is a little too much for me. Having pillars and an uncountable amount of windows is a bit intimidating.
I leave the estate, putting the headphones in my ears and picking a song to listen to. I go to one of the playlists and find the one with the newest songs on there. I touch the tab of OneRepublic's newest single, "If I Lose Myself". I just got it yesterday and have listened to it non-stop. I am rather obsessed really. I'm a fan of the band and this has to be my newest favorite of theirs.
Except, it makes me rather sad to listen to it. You might not be able to tell, but I am a bit of a romantic. I adore romance stories. (Not those crappy vampire ones though. God, I hate those, they're shit.) I read them and hope for a love like the ones in them. But I know that'll never happen. Because, well, you see… Oh fine, I don't girls. Nope, I figured that out a couple years ago. See, I started liking this boy in my class. He never paid attention to me, but I loved him from a distance. I soon lost that love when I saw him with a girl in the hallway, sucking their faces off. I felt rather disgusted at that- I get sick just thinking about it.
But that's that. I've admired others as well, and all ended either because of ways similar to the first or I realized that it's useless to ever think that they'll like me back when no one even sees the invisible kid. And that's when my mood starts to plummet.
I have thought of the meaning of my life a few times. Why I am here, living, even though I am ignored. Should I just kill myself and everyone else can live their life happily? I thought about that and realized that I would never be able to take my own life. I just don't have the guts to. About a year ago, when my parents remembered they have a second son, they saw that I was down (I wasn't happy-go-lucky like Al), and thought that anti-depressants would help. Now I take them every day. I'm not sure if they're really though.
I head towards the park, the song still playing in my ear as I keep repeating it.
"I stared up at the sun
Thought of all the people, places and things I've loved
I stared up just to see
Of all the faces,
You were the one next to me
You can feel the light start to tremble
Washing what you know out to sea
You can see your life out of the window, tonight…"
You know how when you just start listening to music, you feel so different. Like you're in a music video or something. I like that feeling. That's when I feel good, like I can do anything. Everything is just so picturesque and beautiful, my light blond hair blowing with the warm fall breeze, with that one curly hair bobbing slightly. I just stand there in the park, looking out at the lake that the town is located near. The lake is nice to look at, but I greatly dislike swimming in it. Our family used to come out here to go boating the summer a lot, when mom and dad weren't too busy for me and Al.
The memories fleet away from me as I shake my head. I go to my favorite tree here. It's a large maple tree, with thick lower branches, but still high up enough away from the ground. I climb up the truck, used to doing so when I was younger. I sit on the branch facing the lake. It's quite beautiful, especially in autumn when the hills have been colored orange, red, and yellow.
I start sketching it out, wanting to do something to pass the time. I really enjoy drawing. I mainly just draw flowers or the occasional manga character as I am in love with anime and the books. I have a papers of past drawings stuffed in a drawer in the desk in my room. I never want to hang any up, since I don't want anyone else seeing them.
I look back out at the scene, taking in a deep breath. The air tastes like ripe grapes. It's refreshing from breathing in the recycled air of the house. Where I live, all it is wine and grape country. A quiet town with rolling hills of farms or vineyards. If you go out in the country more, close to the lake, there are a bunch of wineries. It's always peaceful until the summer when you have the hordes of cottagers staying on the lake. Seriously, they need to learn how to drive and look normal- not richly dressed and foreign-looking with their sun hats and tanned skin. Can you tell I don't like them?
Now it's once again the quiet town with all of them gone. I enjoy it that way, but this town gets their business from them, so I have to bear with it.
I sit there for I don't even know how long, and look at the time on my screen. It reads 4:56. Wow, I lose track of time. It's not like I have anything else to do anyway though. I stretch my arms above my head while my eyes manage to squeeze some tears out. My sketch book slides off my lap though. I hear it fall as the papers flap at the sudden drop.
"Ouch!"
Whoa, wait a minute. I look down and see that my sketch book managed to hit someone on the head. The person looks around, wondering where it came from. I sit back up straight though, since I don't want to be seen. What if they hurt me because I accidentally hit them with the pad? I really don't want that to happen. Besides, the teen looks really scary from what I saw.
He has weird, white hair and is wearing basically all black. A spiked band is around his wrist, and his shirt has a white cross on the front. I managed to see his eyes, and they were red! Who could have red eyes?!
Then it hits me- the teen must be albino. His skin has like no pigment in it, just a pale white. I peered my head over just a little, to see what he was doing. I heard him grumble as he picks up the sketch book. He opens it to the first page, the one with the drawing I was working on. Oh no, I didn't want anyone to see it…
He looks at it for a couple of minutes then looks around. He does the unexpected and takes the drawing out. God, why must you hate me? He leaves the sketch book down, leaning it on the tree trunk. Well, at least he didn't take that. But I really wish he didn't take the drawing out. Well, at least he won't know I drew it. It wasn't even finished anyway. There had to be shading done and I left my shading pencils at home. He suddenly looks up; realizing he never looked in that direction when the pad fell on him.
I quickly move back, out of his sight. I don't think he saw me anyway, as nothing escalated further. I just heard him grumble out, "That was weird..." and must have left since the sound of crunched leaves was prevalent, however traveling away. I wait a few minutes until he's fully gone and climb down the tree.
I pick up the pad, dusting it off a bit. I wanted to finish that sketch too; it was turning out really good. Oh well, I guess. I'll just have to do it again some other time. I wonder why he took the drawing though. He must have liked it then if took it. At least, I think so…
Now that I think about it, I have seen him around before. He's senior, I believe; that must be why I don't see him in any of my classes. In the hallways is where I catch a glimpse of him sometimes, hanging around a Spanish kid and a French one as well. I can't think of his name at the moment.
Ah, what it is it? I know I've heard it before. Oh! Gilbert! That's his name. He's Ludwig's brother. Now I remember. Yes, how can one really forget? He's the one that always yells out, "King of Awesome is here!" and stuff like that. He's more like the "King of Trouble" really. Gilbert Beilschmidt, the one whose name is a regular on the PA system, getting called to the office.
I try to think of more stuff about him. What I hear from others in my class is how he's selfish and although rather popular among the girls. He has new girlfriend every week from the gossip I sometimes listen in on. The other two he hangs out with is Francis Bonnefoy, who's actually my cousin (I forgot that was him), and Antonio Fernandez Carriedo. Together, the three are known as the Bad Touch Trio around the school.
I didn't think he would be around here- anyone for that matter. Usually no one comes to the park at this time, besides the random jogger or dog walker. Even I only come out here during this time of year, or on cooler days in the summer. Why would a hyper-active teen with a throng of friends be hanging around the deserted park?
I walk on the side-walk with that thought in mind, stopping by the local pizza joint in town. It's owned by Feliciano and Lovino Vargas' family, and they make delicious pizza and other dishes. After ringing the bell on the counter (the only way for them to notice me while I'm waiting there) and ordering two slices of pepperoni and mushroom pizza, I head home. I didn't want anything else from home and I had a craving for freshly baked pizza.
I carry the box the rest of the way home. About 10 minutes later I arrive at my doorstep. Opening the door, I take off my sneakers and head upstairs into my room. I check the time again- it's close to 6 o'clock, so that means people will start arriving soon. Locking the door behind me, I put my sketch book on my desk, as well as the small pizza box.
Now that I've relaxed, I realize I'm still listening to the same song since I left earlier. The words play out in my ears. I start singing along a bit. I'm not a bad singer, but it's not like I'm perfect.
"If I lose myself tonight
It'll be by your side
I lose myself tonight
If I lose myself tonight
It'll be you and I
Lose myself tonight"
Thank you for reading! I am new to fanfiction so I'll try the best I can to write stories!
Hopefully there aren't any mistakes in this- I have a hard time reading over things on my computer unfortunately. And I absolutely love this couple by the way. It's my absolute favorite in Hetalia~! Yes, I am obsessed but that's easy to be for me.
Thank you very much for reading this! And tell me what you think of it as well. Bye bye!