All Or Nothing
I think the ending may be a little too abrupt, if you find it is, then I'm sorry...
"Kaede? Kaede?" Sendoh waved a hand in front of Rukawa's eyes.
There was no reply. Rukawa's heart was miles way. His eyes were looking far away. Only his body was here. His heart and soul were miles away in New York. Where Hanamichi Sakuragi was.
I know when he's been on your mind
That distant look is in your eyes
I thought with time you'd realize it's over, over
Kaede, I know. You're still thinking of... of... him. That red-haired self-proclaimed Tensai. He's still on your mind. In your eyes I seem to see his image. Why? It's been months since you've parted with him. You should have realised that your relationship with him is long over. But why is it that with time, all that's happened is that you seem to think of him more and more, instead of less and less? Sendoh couldn't help feeling completely and utterly hurt and devastated.
Beside Sendoh, Rukawa was happily reliving the times he had had with Sakuragi, oblivious to the hurt and devastation of his companion, his boyfriend beside him.
It's not the way I choose to live
And something somewhere's got to give
As sharing this relationship gets older, older
No question about it. Sendoh's and Rukawa's relationship was stuck. True, they were supposed to be an item. They had been ever since that day months ago when Sendoh asked Rukawa to go steady, after Sakuragi, Rukawa's ex-boyfriend, had left for New York with his family and Sakuragi and Rukawa had broken up.
But now, more often than not, Sendoh simply felt that he was just a replacement for Sakuragi who had gone out of Rukawa's life. And Rukawa, well, Rukawa was simply too hung up on Sakuragi to bring his and Sendoh's relationship to new heights.
Sendoh knew that something had to change. And he knew what he wanted to change. He wanted Rukawa to finally realize that "Kaede + Hana-kun" was no longer an option. Of course, something else could change - him leaving Rukawa alone to muse over Sakuragi. but he didn't want that. He very much wanted Rukawa. But he knew that being in this stale relationship was definitely not the way he wanted this relationship to go.
You know I'd fight for you
But how can I fight someone who isn't even there
Sendoh would most definitely fight with Sakuragi over a place in Rukawa's heart. But how could he? Sakuragi was a million miles away in New York. And Rukawa, being so hung up on that red-haired boy, would probably still not give Sendoh an unrivalled place in his heart even if Sendoh won the fight. Which would be quite unlikely since Sakuragi had plenty of experience in fighting.
And besides, Kaede, you'd probably hate me for fighting with Sakuragi, even if Sakuragi won the fight and I lay on the ground, unconscious. And then, if Sakuragi was around, you might not even care if I were hurt - you'd probably be too besotted with your former love to even bother with me. Sendoh couldn't help thinking these bitter thoughts.
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
I don't care if that's not fair
I've had your body, but I haven't had your heart. But I want both. Don't you know how much I love you, Kaede? What's important to me is that you love me back. Sendoh didn't care if Rukawa was still thinking fondly of Sakuragi. He wanted Rukawa to love him fully. But was that even possible? If Rukawa chose between Sakuragi and Sendoh, Rukawa would probably pick Sakuragi, his ex-love, instead of Sendoh, his current love.
There are times it seems to me
I'm sharing you with memories
I feel it in my heart but I don't show it, show it
Memories. Memories of his time with Sakuragi were running through Rukawa's mind. Sendoh knew that he was undeniably sharing Rukawa with those memories. no matter how hard he tried, it seemed that he would never be able to have Rukawa to himself. He knew that at least half the time, Rukawa's thoughts were not with Sendoh but with a redheaded boy a few thousand miles away, or in the past.
Sendoh had always known that Rukawa would never forget Sakuragi. After all, who ever forgot their first love. He still remembered Koshino himself - his own first love. But at least, he wasn't that hung up on Koshino; in fact, he rarely thought of Koshino! But why did Rukawa have to relieve memories of his first love so often? It was no secret to Sendoh that Rukawa often had a distant look in his eyes, reliving memories. And Sendoh often felt hurt in his heart. Yet he had never exposed his feelings to Rukawa.
And then there's times you look at me
As though I'm all that you can se
Those times I don't believe it's right I know it, know it
Rukawa had looked at Sendoh without Sakuragi on his mind before. But those times had happened only at the start of his and Sendoh's relationship and even then were few and far between, although then Sendoh didn't know that most of the time Rukawa was looking at him, Rukawa was seeing him as Sakuragi instead of Sendoh. And now, Rukawa never looked at Sendoh without Sakuragi on his mind. He did look at Sendoh like how a boyfriend would look at a girlfriend, but all that was just an act. Sendoh knew that.
Don't make me promises
Baby you never did know how to keep them well
How many times had Rukawa promised to stop thinking of Sakuragi to Sendoh? And how many times had Rukawa broken his promises? Exactly the same number of times as the promises he had made. But Sendoh simply adored Rukawa too much. Too much to let Rukawa go.
I've had the rest of you
Now I want the best of you
It's time for show and tell
"Kaede?"
Sendoh finally managed to attract Rukawa's attention. "Hm?"
"You know, Kaede, our relationship seems to be at a dead end."
"Mm-hm."
"And I'm afraid our relationship may die if you continue thinking of... of... Sakuragi."
Cause you and I could lose it all
If you've got no more room
Inside for me in your life
"Kaede, I think I need you to choose between me and between having Sakuragi on your mind all the time. As in choosing then sticking to your decision. I need to know, Kaede. I need a sense of security. It's been painfully obvious to me that you're still thinking of him. Why, Kaede? I love you very much." Sendoh waited for Rukawa's response.
Rukawa got up from the park bench. "You want me to choose?"
Sendoh nodded, a little nervous of what Rukawa would say. "I'm afraid, Kaede. I'm afraid that you don't have space for me in your life."
"Then I'll let you know." Rukawa walked away.
Sendoh stared at the fast disappearing figure of Rukawa. He slowly got up and started walking towards his home.
----------
Two days passed by. Sendoh had been trying frantically to reach Rukawa, but every time he dialed Rukawa's number, no one picked up. He had gone over to Rukawa's house countless times, each time ringing the doorbell and calling out Rukawa's name, but no one answered.
The phone rang. Sendoh rushed over and picked it up, hoping that it was Rukawa. He was worried about Rukawa.
Rukawa's voice sounded through the telephone. "Hello. May I speak to Akira Sendoh, please?"
Sendoh's voice trembled as he replied. "Kaede?"
"Oh hi. Listen, Sendoh, I've made my decision."
The fact that Rukawa was using Sendoh's surname did not escape Sendoh's attention. He called me Sendoh. Does that mean that he's chosen to be with memories of Sakuragi instead of me? How could this be?
"You know, Sendoh, the other day after you asked me to choose, I returned home and found Hana-kun at my doorstep. He had came all the way from New York to look for me." Sendoh could hear muffled kissing sounds before Rukawa's voice went "Stop for a moment, would you, Hana-kun?" Rukawa's voice sounded through the phone again. "Needless to say, I chose Hana-kun. I'm emigrating to the States, to New York, to be with Sakuragi. I'm at Narita airport now, waiting for my flight to New York."
Sendoh felt as if he'd been struck a heavy blow by a 10-tonne weight. Why? Why did Rukawa have to leave so soon and so suddenly?
He could hear muffled kissing sounds sounding down the telephone. "Oh listen, Sendoh, I think I'd better hand up now. Good-bye, Sendoh." There was a click and the phone went dead.
Is this how it ends
With a simple telephone call
You leave me here with nothing at all
Sendoh felt totally and utterly devastated. Kaede never told me he was going away. Is this all I mean to him? A toy, to be tossed aside? A stand-in, to be tossed aside as soon as the person I was standing in for appeared? So that was how his relationship with Rukawa ended, was it? Maybe I should end my misery as well.
He went to the kitchen and opened the medicine cabinet. He took out the first bottle of pills he saw. Painkillers. How fitting. To kill my pain. Forever. He turned the bottle around, looking for any warning labels. He was not disappointed. Take only as prescribed. Excess medication may have fatal results. Precisely what he wanted.
He took a glass of water and sat down on the floor. He smiled as he unscrewed the cap of the bottle of painkillers.
~OWARI~
Well, that's the end of it, and I have something to say, is that don't ever try doing what Sendoh did in this fic. This fic is purely fictional. Any comments? E-mail me at tanyls@yahoo.com
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