Le Bon, le Mauvais, et la Belle

(The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful)

These are simply outtakes of The Good, the Bad, and the Beautiful (GBB).

Most likely, this will just be GBB from another POV, but I may occasionally add deleted scenes and whatnot, so you might want to put this on alert as well :)

This is chapter 7 from Edward's quirky brain. Bella titled it as 'Firsts'.

Edward chooses to change the title to 'Close Encounters of the Embarrassing Kind'

As always, my outtakes are not beta'd, so please be kind when you notice my mistakes.

Just because it's another title, doesn't mean I'm not still leasing.

EPOV

Do you know what it's like to be a guy, who is, er, aroused darn near all the time, dating the most beautiful, alluring woman on the planet, and…have absolutely no idea how to even round second base? I mean, sure, I know the mechanics of it, but…yeah, that's easier said than done. You know…how much pressure can a breast take? How much is enjoyable? And then I had read that some women's breasts aren't even sensitive to touch. What would I do then? If Bella didn't even like it? Does she even want me to touch her in the first place?

I'm pretty sure she is at least close to wanting me to, though, after what happened last week.

I was mortified when she came in contact with my erection, but she assured me it was fine and didn't gross her out. I had apologized and she told me that I shouldn't be sorry for something I had no control over. If she only knew.

It had been getting harder and harder to control my thoughts, my desires, around her. Kissing her was like nothing I had ever experienced before. She tasted amazing. Her lips were so soft against mine, and it had been becoming harder and harder to not think of those lips on inappropriate places of my body.

This is why you should never try to teach yourself sex education.

The World Wide Web was an amazing labyrinth of infinite wisdom, but…there is no such thing as a filter that only lets the educational aspect of sex through. If you type in sex, you get every single element of sex. So, unfortunately, on one of my informational endeavors, I came across some gratuitous pornographic material that would forever be branded into my brain. Images that would arise at the most inopportune times. At those times, I would have to think of my great aunt Esmeralda (who my mom was named after) when she came to visit on the holidays. She was one of those old ladies who wore bright, cherry red lipstick, which was always around their lips, instead of on them only, and managed to end up with some on their teeth as well. She had had to give every child in the family 'sugar', as she liked to call it, which consisted of huge, sloppy kisses, leaving lipstick residue smudged across our cheeks. It was disgusting. And thinking about it, was the only thing that kept my testosterone-ridden little friend in my pants at bay.

So, knowing that she wasn't the least bit put off by my arousal, gave me hope that she might also be ready to take the next step. I wanted to be a gentleman. I had been taught to always respect women, and I never wanted to look at Bella as a sex symbol, but Lord, have mercy…I could hardly contain myself around her. If I were being honest with myself, I would say that I had been ready to take the next step from the moment we took the first step. Kissing her made me think of French kissing her, which made me think of groping her, which made me think of…let's not go there.

I'm a nervous wreck. We are sitting under our tree, trying to study. Truth be told, when we studied, the only thing I studied was Bella. The contours of her face, her neck, her shoulders, her hips, her thighs. I tried desperately not to focus too much on her breasts and the curves of her buttocks, and especially not the apex of her legs, and how sometimes her pants were a little too tight and I could see the outline of…yeah, that's when I mentally slapped myself and focused back on my 'studies'.

Today is especially hard because last night I had a very graphic dream involving Bella, myself, and a bottle of chocolate syrup. I felt like such a sleazeball for thinking of Bella in that way, and I felt like an even bigger scuzzbucket for having to remedy the situation in the shower upon wakening. As I lathered up, took myself into my hand, and began stroking, inadvertently picturing Bella's soft little hands doing the stroking, I was more and more ashamed of myself. And as I reached my release in the midst of the steaming hot water, her name softly falling from my lips, I berated myself for turning into such a perverted, hormonal, sex maniac. Can you be a sex maniac if you haven't actually had sex?

To make matters worse, in front of me, sits my coursework for today. None other than the reproductive system.

The human female reproductive system is a series of organs primarily located inside of the body and around the pelvic region of a female that contribute towards the reproductive process. The human female reproductive system contains three main parts: the vagina, which acts as the receptacle for the male's sperm, the uterus, which holds the developing fetus, and the ovaries, which produce the female's ova. The breasts are also an important reproductive organ during the parenting stage of reproduction.

So, we have vagina, sperm, breasts. Vagina, sperm, breasts. Bella's vagina, my sperm, her breasts. Bella's vagina, my penis…wait. That's not right. Focus, Edward!

I turn to the next page. Oh good God, there are pictures.

The vagina meets the outside at the vulva, which also includes the labia, clitoris and urethra; during intercourse this area is lubricated by mucus secreted by the Bartholin's glands. The vagina is attached to the uterus through the cervix, while the uterus is attached to the ovaries via the fallopian tubes. At certain intervals, typically approximately every 28 days, the ovaries release an ovum, which passes through the fallopian tube into the uterus. The lining of the uterus, called the endometrium, and unfertilized ova are shed each cycle through a process known as menstruation.

Major secondary sexual characteristics include: a smaller stature, a high percentage of body fat, wider hips, development of mammary glands, and enlargement of breasts.

Lubricated, vagina, wider hips, enlargement of breasts. Hands grasping enlarged breasts and wider hips, and…lubricated vagina.

I quickly close my book – more like slam – startling Bella with the loud thud. I look at her and smile uneasily. "Sorry. I…um." I chuckle nervously. "All done with that subject!" I nearly scream as I grab my Calculus book from my bag. I glance back at Bella and she is grinning with her eyebrows raised. "What?"

She giggles, "You have only had that book opened for five minutes, how could you be done so quickly?"

I lift up my hand, my forefinger outstretched, heading toward my temple when she stops me.

"Yeah, yeah, photographic memory; got it." She rolls her eyes. "You're so lucky."

"It's not always a good thing to have, you know." Especially after seeing the pictures I just saw when I am sitting beside my super hot girlfriend.

"You're right. I'm sorry. I just wish I didn't have to study, like you don't. It would make life so much easier." She reaches over and grabs my hand. This is how it always starts. First, hand holding. Then, footsies and finger twiddling. Next, small pecks. Then, larger pecks. And next thing you know, we are full-blown playing tonsil hockey.

This was no different. Except, this time my mind was being bombarded with visualizations that were making it excruciatingly difficult to keep my hands to myself. Without any preconceived intent, my hand finds her face as I continue to kiss her. A few more minutes, and my hand begins to lower. I circle my thumb around her collarbone instinctively. I feel goosebumps rise underneath my fingertips. My hand lowers once again, so very close to her voluptuous breasts. I want so bad to hold them, but I can't help but feel like I'm forcing something she may not be ready for.

But, I don't have to worry, because she takes my hand and places it directly on her peak. I freeze. I definitely was not expecting that. I gulp and pull back to look her in the eye. She smiles.

Set your phasers to stun! Set your phasers to stun!

Now, I kiss her with more fervor, cupping her breasts with both hands, albeit still cautiously. She scoots closer to me, and pushes her knee in between my legs and touches my…

Woah, Nelly!

I stop all movement and warn Bella, but she pulls me back and continues kissing me. It's so hard to resist her when she's kissing me. Her kisses are my kryptonite, so I simply groan and let her continue. Everything she is doing is astounding, but I am ashamed to give in to the moment. I am afraid that I won't be able to control myself and I will take advantage of her. No, not like that, but I want to be respectful, and it is incredibly difficult.

She runs her hand through my hair and it goes straight to my groin. Great aunt Esmeralda, great aunt Esmeralda, great aunt… It's not working.

She whispers, "Edward, relax. Enjoy. Does it not feel good?" Is this woman nuts? 'Good' is an understatement.

I can't look at her. I squeeze my eyes shut and speak under my breath, "You have no idea. I just…it doesn't seem right…gentlemanly…for me to behave that way around you, Bella." I feel like a piece of garbage for even contemplating this.

"Edward. Look at me." I peek out slightly, only to focus on her shoulder. She ducks and looks me in the eye. "I want you to enjoy it, Edward. I've never wanted to do anything like this before I met you, but now…well, I want to make you feel good. Knowing that I am the one making you feel good makes me feel good. Please?"

Holy mother of Sha Ka Ree!*

I take a deep breath and look her in the eye. Horribly embarrassed, I grin and softly say, "Okay."

She smiles an earth-shattering smile, and I feel my stupid cheeks heat up. I hate the fact that I take after my mom and blush like a dang school girl. It's not even fair for a dude to have to deal with this. She pulls me back into a kiss and pushes her leg between mine. I moan as she comes in contact with my throbbing erection. It feels incredible, and I want her to feel good as well, so I place my hand back on her breast and start caressing gently. When she responds with a moan of her own, it spurs me on, to be a tad more rambunctious, but just a tad.

As I squeeze with slightly more pressure, I have to pull away from her because I am quickly starting to hyperventilate. I breathe against her jaw as I kiss a soft trail toward her neck. I know I am panting heavily, but I can't even attempt to hold it back.

I kiss just under her ear and whisper, telling her how good it feels. Well, at least I attempt to tell her how it feels, but it comes out rather jumbled. Regardless, she seems to get the point. As I still pant against her lips between kissing, she squeezes my hips and continues the movement of her thigh. My breathing is getting more erratic and I am probably applying to much pressure to her breast, but I can't help it. Trying to distract myself, I kiss her again, but without warning my hips buck against her, causing me to moan again against her skin.

I'm so close. I try to warn her. It comes out as a bunch of incoherent words and I realize she isn't going to stop. So I do. But she continues. Great aunt Esm…oh, Bella…no, great au…amazing…no, no, great…so great, more than great.

She pulls away the slightest bit and whispers, "Come on, Edward."

And Mount Kilimanjaro suddenly erupts in my pants. I'm pretty sure some curse word slips from my lips as well, but I'm not positive. What I am positive about is that even though I just experienced most magnificent feeling in the world, I am now humiliated beyond words.

I keep my eyes shut as I slip my hands to her back and begin rubbing circles, waiting for my breath to return to normal. She reaches up and smoothes out my forehead and kissed me on the cheek. I pull her tightly into a hug and rest my forehead on her shoulder.

She tries to lean back – I'm not sure why – but I don't let her. I don't want her to look me in the eye right now. She kisses my shoulder and then my neck. I explain to her how awful I feel for what just transpired and how I promise that it will never happen again.

She grabs a handful of my hair and jerks my head back. Now, it didn't really hurt, but for some strange reason, it causes that part of me – that is now disgustingly slimy – that I have been trying (unsuccessfully, mind you) to restrain all day, to come alive once again. Seriously? Why?

I don't hear much of what she says next because I am trying to picture her as Great Aunt Esmeralda as she speaks, in order to get Admiral Archer** back under control. I manage to hear the end of her speech and she tells me of her plan to make sure that it happens again. I don't think so, Missy.

I tell her I'm not so sure about that and how disgusting this mess is in my pants.

She giggles and apologizes, but makes sure I know she is merely sorry for the mess.

"What am I gonna do with you, Umbella? You're going to be the death of me, huh? I have no hope of protecting my virtue around you, do I?" I laugh heartily, kiss her, and pull her to her feet right after me. "We reeeallly need to head back. This is starting to dry, and I can't imagine it is going to be a pleasant removal process."

We walk back to her dorm, holding hands, and when we reach the front of her building, I pull her into a hug and kiss her with all the passion I possess, and whisper in her ear, "Thank you, Bella. It may have been embarrassing, but I wouldn't want to experience that with anyone else. Besides…" I pull back enough to grin. "I slightly enjoyed it." She raises an eyebrow at me, so I twist my mouth and chuckle. "Okay, more than slightly, but let's drop it at that." Please, for the love of all that is holy...

I pull her into a goodbye kiss and we bid each other farewell.

I head back to my building promptly and make a beeline for the showers. I'm not going to go into the dreadful details of how awful the cleanup is, let's just say; I hope you never have to do this yourself.

I finish my shower and go to my room to write my paper that is due tomorrow. I must have a euphoric look on my face, because my roommate, Riley, asks me, "What's got you grinning like a clown on crack?"

"Ah, nothing, man, it's just been a good day, today, that's all." I grab my headphones to pop them in, letting him know I'm not wanting conversation at the moment, but before they are secured in my ears, he starts shaking his head. I stop and look at him expectantly.

"Dudes don't walk in smiling like that unless they just busted a nut up in some chick." He looks at me cockily, and continues, "You finally got a piece of that sweet ass you've been drooling after, didn't you?"

Now, I'm not as dorky as Alfalfa, but I totally agree with his philosophy of being a lover and not a fighter. However, just like he would fight for his Darla, I will fight for my Bella. I step closer to Riley, my forefinger extended, aiming straight for his face as I hover over him where he is seated on his bed.

"I will let you off with a warning, this one time, and one time only. Don't you ever speak about Bella like that again. Ever! Got it?" I speak calmly, but I am sure the underlying threatening tone is abundantly clear.

He holds up his hands defensively. "You got it, man. I don't mean no disrespect. I promise."

I nod, and continue to my desk to power up my computer. I briefly check my emails and find nothing of importance, so I begin my paper.

An hour into it, I get an email alert. Knowing that I only gave out my email to Bella, my parents, and my sister, I am excited to think it might be Bella. I can't help it. I love any correspondence with her, no matter how long it has been since I recently saw her.

However, it is a reply to a post I had recently made on a forum. The forum was supposed to be a place where the inexperienced can come for answers to any questions they have about sex. The rules state that there is no judgment, discrimination, or defaming allowed. They want people to have a place to go where they can real answers from an Average Joe, without worrying about being ridiculed.

I had questions. I needed answers. So, I signed up and asked. This is my first response, so I am a bit nervous as to what it suggests.

SexualEnterprise (hey, don't laugh…I am on a purposeful or industrious undertaking (especially one that requires effort or boldness))

I totes get where you're coming from. It's very difficult to try not to disrespect your lady while also touching her in places you have always deemed inappropriate. However, know this…she most likely wants you to do this more than you are wanting to, if she is as inexperienced as you say. The best advice is just to take it slow and make sure you watch her reactions as you try. You will be able to tell if she isn't ready. Not that I think you will, but make sure you don't pressure her. And by pressuring, I mean also to make her feel guilty if she isn't ready. Again, you don't seem like the type to do this, but if you want there to be a chance again later, you need to make sure you know going into it that there is a chance the first time may not go as planned.

Good luck, dude.

After the day I had with her today, I now know that she isn't opposed to going to the next level. However, there are still further levels to go. I can't help but think of how much I want to see her in ecstasy after her seeing me and apparently enjoying it.

Almost instantly, I get another email. Another response to the post.

SexualEnterprise

If your lady loves Star Trek as much as you, you should give her a Spocker. She will worship you after that.

I sit there, racking my brain, trying to think what in the world a 'Spocker' is. Eventually, I realize, if I had read it, it would be etched into my brain along with the millions of other things I have stored there. I decide to Google it…Google being the answer to everything.

I don't pay attention; I click on the first result on the page. Let me just forewarn you: Do NOT do this. Read the brief description before you click. Especially, if you remember everything you see. This is one vision that will never be unseen.

I am sorry that mankind has defiled your image, Mr. Spock. Can I also say, I will never give the Vulcan salute again?

UrbanDictionary defines the Spocker as:

Inserting one's index and middle fingers into a woman's vagina and the ring and pinky fingers in her anus. Similar to the shocker(two in the pink one in the stink).
Two for the live long, two for the prosper

And let me tell you…I will never be doing that to my Bella. My Bella? Where did that possessiveness come from?

I finish my paper – ignoring three more responses to my post in the meantime – and hop in the bed to read for a while. Before I do, I send a quick text to Bella telling her how amazing today was, because let's face it…it was amazing. Before I back out, I rush to add how I want to reciprocate, and then I sign off with, 'sweet dreams', hoping she won't respond tonight.

But of course she responds tonight. She tells me how much she enjoyed it as well, but that she's nervous and embarrassed for me to repay the favor. Of course, I don't know why she seems to think she is more nervous or embarrassed than I was, so I explain to her how I was mortified and then I basically beg her to let me have a turn.

Several minutes go by and she doesn't respond. Shoot, that was out of line.

I quickly text her to apologize.

Almost immediately she responds explaining that she's tripping out because I called her my girlfriend.

I am completely dumbfounded, because I just can't understand why she wouldn't think she was my girlfriend. I text her back immediately.

Of *course* you're my girlfriend! What're you thinking? I only want to be with you. Do you not want me to be your boyfriend? I should have asked first, huh?

It's not long before she replies.

I would love to be your girlfriend and in return would love for you to be my boyfriend. :) Do I get to wear your class ring? Your Letterman jacket? *grin*

Oh my goodness. Is she serious? She knows I never played sports – I was always in more academic extracurriculars, but I do still have my class ring from high school…

I decide to humor her, if that's what she wants. At this point, I am willing to do anything she wants.

I actually do have a class ring from my high school. Do you have one? We could be all kinds of cliché and swap rings. It would be awesome! What d'ya say? :)

Her response throws me, because it doesn't even acknowledge what I just sent. I shrug and reply that she doesn't really need beauty sleep, but her brain needs to sleep, and I wish her a good night.

I sleep incredibly peaceful after that.

It's now three days later, and I have a plan. I am a nervous wreck. As a matter of fact, if you looked up 'nervous wreck' in the dictionary, there would be a big ole picture of me. I continue to chant to myself, It's a normal happenstance between a man and a woman. She will enjoy it as much as I did (probably more, since she doesn't have gooey residue to interfere). You can do it! You can do it!

Does that help to calm my nerves? Not a nary bit.

However, when her beautiful, brown eyes look back me, twinkling with a smile, they manage to calm my nerves with more success than the strongest prescription of Xanax out there. Not that I'd know from experience; it's strictly hypothetical.

Once Physiology class begins, the nerves start to stir again. I'm not able to use her gaze as a calming effect, so I do things like bounce my knee, strum my fingers on the desk, and running my fingers through my hair – a habit I completely loathe. Amidst all of this, however, I am having a horrible time containing my grin. I have a secret and I'm dying to spill, but I know it will ruin the surprise if I do, so I keep my mouth shut. Class is being dismissed and I realize I had not been paying the least bit of attention. Too bad my eidetic is strictly visual instead of auditory.

I jump out of my seat and swiftly grab her bag. I notice she's not moving, so I hold out my hand, offering to help her. She just sits there. I nearly huff at her and say, "Well? Are you com…ing?" Shoot! I really tried to stay away from that word today. Like an elementary kid responds when someone says 'fart' or something equally hysterical to them, I can't help but laugh every time I think or say 'come' now. I bit my lip, to keep from laughing, and turn away.

"Why are you acting so weird today? Did you forget your Adderall?"

My Adderall? Does she really think I have ADD? Do I act like I have ADD? OCD, I can see, but ADD? I thought I paid attention really well. I can't believe she thinks I have an attention disorder.

My thoughts must be showing on my face, because she instantly holds her hands up saying, "I'm joking, Edward! Geez. What a tragedy it would be for you to have an attention disorder." I can hear the sarcasm in her voice, but I still can't help but think she really may suspect there is something wrong with me. Well, besides the obvious nerdy, eidetic memory, clean freak, perfectionist issues that I have.

"Stop being childish, Bella, and come on. I want to get…" NO! I can't tell her where I want to get to yet. "I'm hungry and I want to get a sandwich." Dang it! Thoughts of our tree cause me to blush yet again. Curse you, Platt blood and all of your profuse blushing!

She gets out of her seat, and in a voice sounding more like Eliza Doolittle than Keira Knightley, she says, "Let's go, Romeo."

I chuckle and roll my eyes. She is just too darn cute. "That's why I love y…" Holy torpedoes, Batman! I nearly let that slip. "Hanging out with you, Umbella. You always act like yourself. No withholding of your true personality." Nice save! I pull her close and finish with, "As quirky as your personality may be." Your quirkiness is my favorite part of you…

She then lets me know I am as quirky as her – something I would never deny – and she uses that awful nickname she loves to call me, teasing me for my proper use of medical terminology.

I make sure to keep her distracted all the way to our tree. She knows we go to the deli after class, so I have to keep her mind on something else until we reach our destination. I accomplish this with friendly banter. And it worked, because now we are standing in front of our tree, where I had come before class and set up a picnic basket and blanket.

However, now my nerves were in full swing…multiplied by the tenth power.

"Edward?" Her voice startles me and I almost scream like a girl. Get it together. You can't fall apart now, you lily-livered lunatic. "Are you…okay?"

I take a deep breath, focus myself, and say, "Yes, I'm sorry. I just…have something on my mind and I was distracted. I'm focused now." I smile sincerely. "Let's eat. I'm famished!"

I tell her I have her favorites and she responds telling me how much it means that I have remembered her favorite things. I could never forget anything you tell me. I don't need a special memory to remember everything about you, Bella.

The lunch is nice and it's able to calm me quite a bit, so that I am mostly relaxed by the time we finish eating. We clean up the mess, and as soon as the basket is closed, I can't take another minute without kissing her.

As usual, the kiss is breathtaking, and becomes heated rather quickly. I pull her down so we are both lying on the blanket. I cup her cheek and deepen the kiss even more. As our tongues meet, I can't hold back the moan that escapes.

It's now or never, big boy.

I lower my hand to her neck, her shoulder, her arm and finally to her waist. I keep my hand at her waist momentarily as I kiss her zealously. I push ever so slightly so that she is on her back and I am above her. I rub circles on her waist with one hand while the other is running through her hair. I need her to be calm as well. I start to lower my hand from her waist, and she tenses up.

I pull my lips from hers the tiniest bit and whisper, "It's okay, Bella. Just relax." What if she doesn't want this? "Unless…I mean…I'm not going to force you or anything, but if you let me do this, I promise you will enjoy it. Do you…do you want me to stop?" Please say no, please say no, please say no.

She shakes her head and I can't help but smile. I am ecstatic that she wants me to continue. I go back to kissing her, but I keep my hand still until I know she is relaxed. I'm not an expert, but I am pretty sure it's much easier and most likely more enjoyable when you are relaxed.

She is finally completely at ease, so I lower my hand, but I start from her inner thigh, so as to lessen the shock value…for both of us…once I reach my goal. I move my hand higher, excruciatingly slow (at least to me) until I finally I make it where no man has gone before. She jumps when I touch her, but I just chuckle and press a little harder.

Her reaction lets me know I am in the right place and doing the right thing because she is responding with moans and small twitches here and there and her breathing has become labored. I move my lips from hers to her cheek, then her neck, and then her earlobe. As I suck her earlobe she begins bucking her hips so that my hand creates more pressure. She's moaning and whining and arching her back, and it's the most beautiful sight in the world. She squirms and a squeak escapes from her mouth and I know she is close, so I release her lobe from my lips and whisper, "Let go, Bella. Cum for me."

I have no clue where that bravado came from, but I am so glad I lost control of my brain filter in that moment, because the magnificent sight before me at this moment replaces every single event that has ever taken place in my life. Seeing Bella come undone is going to be at the top of my list of 'favorite moments' until the day I die.

Once she opens her eyes, I know I am smiling like the cat that ate the canary. "You're right." She looks at me questioningly. I gently kiss her lips and tell her, "Seeing your face in that moment was beyond wonderful."

She giggles and replies, "You were right too, you know?" I quirk my eyebrow. "It was mortifying, but lucky for me, it's not all disgusting for girls." She smirks and then kisses me again.

I give her the option of staying here or heading back to her room, and she wants to stay here. Of course, she also has to make suggestions of reciprocation, but there's no way that's happening. At least not unless we are close to a shower or sink or something else capable of cleaning the mess.

She still tries, and I still block her, even using her given name as warning, and she finally gives in – albeit with a pout.

"But, we can still kiss, right?"

Again, woman, what are you thinking?

"Of course. I think I would die if I couldn't kiss you."

And now that I have successfully crossed second base, I have the horrible responsibility of researching third base now.

I may need something more potent than Great Aunt Esmeralda by the time I'm done here.

~*~For the non-Trekkies out there ~*~

*Sha Ka Ree was entity claiming to be God but was actually a malevolent noncorporeal being discovered by the Vulcan Sybok and the crew of the USS Enterprise-A in 2287. It was imprisoned on a planet located within the Great Barrier, at the centre of the galaxy, which was believed by Sybok to be Sha Ka Ree of Vulcan mythology.

**Admiral Archer (Jonathan Archer) was a legendary Starfleet officer and captain of the Enterprise NX-01, United Earth's first full-fledged starship. In that role, he was responsible for greatly expanding United Earth's presence in the Alpha and Beta Quadrants, and making first contact with more than a dozen species, among them the Klingons, Andorians, and Xindi.

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