Erm…yeah. Not up to my usual standard, but I suppose if you wanted to you could call it a skit…I thought of this a few days ago, and I've forgotten most of it, but I suppose 8 pages of this twaddle is enough for anyone…
Setting: a generic forest clearing that could be found in countless fantasy stories. Aragorn and Arwen are walking close to each other and holding hands. Eragon and Arya are…not.
Eragon: But Arya, the amount of strength that it would take for Galbarotix to be able to- (really sharp elvish-enhanced eyes see something ahead) Wait! What's that?
Arya: Oh, you just noticed? It looks like a man and a woman…an elf. Strange, they seem familiar…
On the other side of the clearing
Aragorn: Nonsense self-torturing lovey-dovey stuff
Arwen: Nonsense encouraging lovey-dovey stuff
Aragorn: But I am just a man.
Arwen: Not just any man. Smiles kindly
They're getting closer, they're gazing soppily at each other, they're just about to start kissing when…
Eragon: Halt! What are your names and business?
Aragorn and Arwen: Completely oblivious because they're lost in each other's eyes
Arya: Rolls eyes
Eragon: Wow. They're worse than Roran and Katrina. Blushes
Arya: Taps Aragorn and Arwen on shoulders Look, I hate to break this up, but what are you doing here?
Aragorn: Huh?
Arwen: The wood belongs to whoever walks in it, as you know, sister elf. Why try to put a price on those as free and beautiful as the summer trees?
Eragon: Do all elves talk in verse?
Aragorn: Finally surfacing But we would know your names, fair travelers.
Eragon: I'm sorry, but I did ask first.
Aragorn: I see.
Eragon: crosses arms stubbornly
Aragon: mimics gesture
Arwen and Arya: sigh in unison
Arya: This is Eragon, last of the free Riders. I am the elf Arya Drottningu.
Aragorn: blinks in surprise
Arwen: smiles again This is Aragorn, son of Arathorn. He is the true king of Gondor. My name is Arwen Evenstar.
Eragon: whispering to Arya Why does he have my name?
Aragorn: whispering to Arwen This youth carries my name. Louder As you can see, we share a name…though I ask, why do you pronounce it so? Surely you mean Ara-GORN.
Eragon: Excuse me, but you're wrong. It's Era-GON.
Aragorn: I must have heard incorrectly. Ara-GORN.
Eragon: Era-GON.
Aragorn: GORN.
Eragon: GON.
Aragorn: If it pleases you to say it thus…
Eragon: Yes, it does!
Aragorn: I apologize if I seem rude. You must forgive me. I have had a trying time-
Eragon: YOU'VE had a trying time? Ha!
Aragorn: Do not speak of what you do not understand!
Eragon: You just don't get it, do you?
Arwen and Arya settle down on the forest floor, realizing that this will be a long conversation.
Arwen: Sut naa lle umien?
Arya: Pardon me? Atra du evarinya ono varda?
Arwen: We do not understand each other, it seems.
Arya: Your grasp on our language seems to be loose. Perhaps you have learned from some other source?
Arwen: I assure you that I speak this language perfectly.
Arya: Shall we switch to English?
Arwen: It seems best.
They continue talking. Meanwhile…
Aragorn: Look, my true love is going to leave this land and never return…
Eragon: You think that's bad? That's what I have to do!
Aragon: But this is my love!
Eragon: At least she will love you. Looks sad.
Aragon: But I am not worthy! Looks tortured
Eragon: disgusted Oh, cut it out! Believe me, she wouldn't go out with you if she thought you weren't worthy, or absolutely perfect for her. I'd know. Heartbroken sigh
Aragon: What do you know? I am – breaks off into Elvish.
Eragon: politely Bless you.
Aragorn: Look, I…puts hand to Arwen' necklace
Eragon: surprised Oh, you have a necklace, too? Takes out dwarvish anti-scrying charm.
Aragon: Draws sword with great flourish and scraping of metal This is Anduril, the blade that was broken.
Eragon: Draws HIS sword in similar fashion This is Brisingr.
Aragorn: Mine has a long history and belongs only to Isildur's heir.
Eragon: Mine bursts into flames whenever I tell it to.
Aragorn: Darn. Sheathes Anduril disappointedly.
Eragon: Look, I think I've got a couple of Ra'Zac chasing me...you know, creepy, slimy, eat humans, bad breath.
Aragorn: You mean orcs? There are a few on my back, also.
Eragon: Sure…
Over to the side, Arwen has taken out a deck of cards and begun to play War with Arya.
Arwen: It's strange, I thought I was the only one of my people who looked like Luthien.
Arya: Who do you speak of? If you mean Queen Izlanzadi, leader of our people, then I resemble her because I am her daughter.
Arwen: But my father, Elrond, is also a leader. Izlanzadi…would you mean the Lady Galadriel? But she does not look like you, no…you have the same hue and weight of hair that I do…
Arya: And we're both tall…and thin…and beautiful…and elves…
Arwen: And our names begin with the human rune "A," and we met our loves when they were young-
Arya: looks over at Eragon Ah, he's not my love.
Arwen: smiles knowingly I see.
Arya: putting down card Five beats three. This really is quite a worthless and stupid game.
Arwen: Yes, well, that's the story of our lives. Battle after battle after battle after battle…
Both: sigh MEN.
The Eragon's life vs. Aragorn's life discussion is still going on…
Aragorn: I don't have time for this! I have to find Gimli, he was looking for Gandalf.
Eragon: Gandalf? Is he old and wise and cryptic somehow knows everything and has magic powers?
Aragorn: Yes…how did you know?
Eragon: I called him Brom, and he was my father…I am truly sorry, but he is dead.
Aragorn: I know he's dead. Got pulled down by the Balrog. Aww…Aragorn's gonna cry!
Eragon: Who?
Aragorn: You know, tall, creature of darkness, nearly impossible to kill, specialized weapon that-
Eragon: A Shade? Yes, I was there. Eragon's about to start bawling, too
Aragorn: I did not see you…but as I was saying, the dwarf Gimli-
Eragon: Finally, something with the same name! Dwarves! Yes, I know them. They are masters of the mine, I can tell you that… shakes head in wonder
Aragorn: I have been in their halls. Gimli has traveled with me and helped me many-
Eragon: Hmm…he sounds quite a lot like Orik.
Aragorn: glances around in alarm Orc?
Eragon: No, Orik. A dwarf.
Aragorn: Ah. Relaxes. Was he as eager to join my army as Gimli was?
Eragon: Your army? I thought that the Varden…but I have also lead an army…
Aragorn: This…Varden…was a small rebel group protected by stone and the last defense against a magical evil overlord who has endured throughout generations?
Eragon: surprised Yes.
Aragorn: Fear not, for I am the true king of Gondor.
Eragon: confused Sorry…?
Aragorn: Surely you speak of Gondor when you say "Varden?"
Eragon: I don't think so…and I'd lay off the "king" act, I don't think Nasuada will like it. And unity is necessary if we are to defeat Galbatorix.
Aragorn: Galbatorix?
Eragon: That evil overlord? The one whom one single individual of the race widely recognized as the stupidest and weakest will have to defeat, only they do have one friend?
Aragorn: Oh. Him. Sauron. Yes, he has seeped into the minds of many, turning them traitor.
Eragon: Sounds about right. And one of these… "converts"... was a traveling companion and guide?
Aragorn: Yes. Gollum.
Eragon: thinks of Murtagh That's a good name for him.
Aragorn: disappointed in Gollum If the pull of the One Ring had not been so strong on him…
Eragon: One ring? But I made two…and yes, ok, they'll alert Roran and Katrina to each other's presence, and they can call me, but…
Aragorn: Then you are the maker of the rings!
Eragon: Isn't that what I just said?
Aragorn: draws sword again
Eragon: follows suit
Both: Fight…but since they are both awesome "I-can't-be-beat" people, they end up with a tie, panting and leaning against trees. Eragon faints. Aragorn has long and drawn-out moment of self-doubt.
Eragon: after waking up I'm not evil, alright?
Aragorn: But… looks angsty
Eragon: thinks angsty thoughts Are you?
Aragorn: NO!
Eragon: Just checking.
Aragorn: Listen, I have to be getting back. The hopes of a nation rest on my shoulders…at least, that's what people believe.
Eragon: Me, too.
Aragorn: I've got a kingdom…
Eragon: I've got a dragon.
Aragorn: owned again Lucky!
Eragon: Yes…though she does tell me that I am too noble for my own good. She calls it "stupidity." chuckles
Aragorn: not laughing
Eragon: What?
Aragorn: I am…too noble…also.
Eragon: Another similarity!
Aragorn: But not noble enough. Sits down in despair
Eragon: Neither am I good enough to do what must be done. Sinks to ground next to Aragorn
Arya: looks over at them What are they doing NOW?
Arwen: Probably wallowing in self-disgust.
Arya: agreeing When they're not being thick-headed and/or brave…
Aragorn: after a while Sometimes this long life I am given is a curse.
Eragon: I know what you mean.
Aragorn: But you are young…
Eragon: …and immortal. I'll live years and years, too.
Aragorn: I have lived longer than you. Eighty years, about?
Eragon: one-upped You're right. pouts
Arwen: walks up to Aragorn Come, Melamin. We must go.
Aragorn: Of course. puts hand around Arwen's waist
Arya: looks away pointedly
Eragon: Is having trouble not staring at Arya
Aragorn: sees this He cannot turn away from her. He is captivated.
Arwen: yet another smile He reminds me of another young man, long ago…
There is a rustling in the forest, and everyone jumps to their feet. A thick, sticky web shoots out from behind a tree across the clearing…
Aragorn: Giant spider? Now why does that sound familiar?
Aragog: Crashes into clearing Now you must die, humans.
All: Raise hands Technically, in the purest sense of the word, we're not hu-
Aragog: Tramples them all Oh Sheelab, darling! I've got dinner!
THE END
BONUS:
Hermionie and Ron, Roran and Katrina, Eowyn and Faramir…aka the secondary romantic subplot characters- all run out into the clearing, crash into each other, and a whole similar discussion starts up all over again…
Ron: Oi! What the hell?
Roran: Helping Katrina stand What do you mean by this?
Eowyn: What manner of man or beast are you? Does cool fierce powerful eye-stare
Faramir: warning This forest is forbidden to all who are not elf-friends. meaning Lothlorien
Hermionie: The Forbidden Forest?
Katrina: Du Weldenvarden?
All: Huh?
FIN
Voldemort? Galbatorix? Sauron? Wingardium Leviosa? Ganga fram? Amin uuma malia!