The Secret Diary Of Dr.Sloth's Chief Minion
Thirteenth day in the Month Of Awakening
Phew! You won't believe how hectic the day has been. First Sloth attempts to take over Neopia with a pile of dung. Destined to fail if you ask me. I did warn him though. I'll tell you this from the beginning.
I woke up thinking it was going to be a regular day. Feed the o' great one and then a quiet day helping him plan for the impending destruction of Neopia from the Virtupets station and then supper and to bed. But I knew something was wrong when I went to give him his early morning wake up call like normal at 3:00pm NST and he wasn't in bed. Sloth was up to something.
I heard evil cackling from outside the control room. I knew it was Sloth.
"Soon I will take over Neopia and every Neopian will fall at my feet! MWAHAHAHAHA-ergh!-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!"
I grinned to myself. He had hiccups. So it HAD been him raiding the biscuit barrel late last night.
"A cunning plan, sir?" I asked as I put his breakfast down on the 'Your little horror' coffee table. (It arrived yesterday; it was the only coffee table that Sloth could find that was green and black. Pity it was for 'your little troublesome grraals and horrorsome skeiths under 2 days' only. We had some trouble dealing with the shopkeeper I can tell you.)
"Ah. Brekkers. A cunning plan that I do not expect a measly little Grundo to know about. Only a being with supreme intelligence like me."
I rolled my eyes to no one in particular. He'd been looking up the word 'supreme' in the dictionary only the night before.
"Enlighten me, sir," I said while pouring him some coffee. He looked confused for a moment but quickly regained himself. I stifled a giggle. I knew I'd foxed him.
He told me to look on the top of the drawers for the details. I took the papers and exited. I turned back when I knew I was out of sight and saw him, dictionary in hand, muttering- "EN-LIGHT-EN"
I took the plans back to my chamber and glanced at them. It seemed his plan was already in action. I had to hand it to him; he had arranged all the little details and smoothed all the edges. However there was one minor flaw in the whole thing. The plan. Now I'm no genius but even I know that any plan that involved taking over Neopia with a pile of dung is just destined to fail. Of course, I was right.
I heard a crash and leaped into the control room where I saw Sloth, his ray gun and an extraordinarily large pile of dung where the coffee table used to be.
"Goshdarnit!" cried Sloth. "It took me ages to get that coffee table!"
I frowned. What was he up to? He looked delighted.
"I re-programmed my ray gun to stop changing items into piles of sludge and into piles of DUNG instead," he said gleefully.
"Er-what does that prove?" I asked wondering if I was missing a very large point. He thought about it.
"Well...erm...gosh, actually, now I think about it, not a lot," he paused. "Hey, it cost me a lot of NP that did! All a waste actually. I'm quite miffed about that."
I saw his bottom lip tremble.
"WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" he yelled. Floods of tears came from his eyes. I sighed deeply.
"There, there," I put my arm around him to comfort the big Boochi. "I'm sure there will be lots of other opportunities to take over Neopia. Besides, tomorrow will be Valentines Day and you know what that means...card from Jhudora!"
He immediately cheered up. He had been looking forward to tomorrow for ages. Oh Cripes! I had forgotten for a while. I couldn't bear to imagine how upset he'd be tomorrow. Especially at the Neopian's Valentine Masquerade, when he had something planned. I didn't have time to think about my worries anymore; there was a knock at the door.
I ogled as the Tax Beast came in.
"Huh?" asked Sloth, dumbly.
"I'm here about the tax on the updates on the ray gun. 10 please."
"Huh?"
"Look I'm not here to argue and I haven't got all day. Hand over 10 of your cash and I'll be on my way."
Sloth handed over 10 of his 11,400NP and the Tax Beast left.
I stared at Sloth and tutted. "Why did you spend all that NP on that stupid ray gun?"
"Oh shut up you stupid grundo."
Fourteenth day in the Month of Awakening
I waited for the post this morning with baited breath. Sloth was expecting piles of Valentine's cards or so he told me. I knew he was hoping only for one from Jhudora and I also knew that he would be exceptionally lucky to get it. I think he was hoping for her to go with him to the Neopian's Valentine Masquerade. That's tonight at 7pm NST. Another thing I'm dreading. I have to go with Sloth and he has some sort of surprise for Jhudora. I don't really know yet. More later.
Eventually the post came. Not so much as a 'thank you for your invite. Now get stuffed' from Jhudora. Can't say I'm surprised. Sloth was not to be disheartened by the severe lack of post. At first he put it down to 'brainless postchia' but then when he got a tax demand about the reversed changes of the lab ray (yes he changed it back since the plan with the dung failed miserably) he knew that the post had come and gone, as it were.
Unfortunately the o' great one was not disappointed by this.
"She's saving herself for tonight," he grinned manically, obviously talking about Jhudora and the reason for lack of card and the Valentine's Masquerade. Poor faerie, she has no idea what she is letting herself in for going to the Valentine's Masquerade at all.
Phew, half an hour to go before the Masquerade. I still have no clue what Sloth's plan is. I wish he would tell me so that I could talk him out of it. I've just spent the last five hours helping him get ready, for all the good that's done. He eventually decided on wearing a stunning red and black contraption with a veil (I choose not to tell him that it was for female Halloween Blumaroos on their wedding day) and train. It took him ages to waver on what particular hairstyle he wanted. I started feeling sorry for the poor usul in the grooming parlour and I never normally have any sympathy at all for that breed of Neopet. Oops better had go now, the o' great ones yelling for me. I think it's time to go. I tell you I am not looking forward to tonight
Fifteenth day in the month of awakening
Okay well this is just about the end of my life. I had better start from when we entered the Hidden Tower (the location for the Masquerade since it was a Fyora special).
When we turned up Sloth was the only one without a date. As we went to our table we saw Jhudora walk past with none other than...Lord Darigan! Talk about a surprise for Sloth.
"Has been," muttered Sloth under his breath when he saw them. I rolled my eyes. I didn't point out that Sloth had done bugger all since like, he arrived and at least Darigan had won his battle.
We were led to a table and Sloth handed me his hat. (Frilly and red for all those who wanted to know) He immediately ordered a Neocola. My blood ran cold. Sloth could get considerably drunk on Neocola in seconds. (Yes-neocola) I tried to talk him out of it but to no avail. There was nothing left to do but sit, wait and dread the night, and in all honesty I wasn't looking forward to doing either.
13.5 neocola later and he was up on the table singing Mynci tunes. All eyes were on him as he belted out "My mynci don't love me no more."
Everyone continued to stare as he attempted the splits, failed miserably, fell through the table, brutally bruising his arm and breaking both his legs.
Someone had to call for an ambulance while he moaned and groaned about the pain. Everyone was watching as tears started screaming down his sludge-coloured green face. Then, to my ever dying shame, he started clutching my hand tightly and telling me all his current problems (as if I didn't know them) through large wailing sobs audible even to those is Meridell I strongly suspect.
Bare in mind now, that absolutely everyone in the hall (which consisted of over one hundred people), was watching this rather obvious spectacle of me going even redder than a sunburnt lobster and playing social worker to the overgrown, green baby.
Eventually, after everyone in the hall had heard of the recent failed attempts to take over Neopia, the equally failed attempts to get any valentines day cards and his love for Jhudora three times over, the ambulance finally arrived and took him to Neopia hospital where, being DrSloth, he was somewhat of a celebrity and not a very well liked one.
The elephante nurse bandaged up his legs but it took three hours. (I'm sure there was some favouritism involved)
Now, the o' great one has his feet up in front of the TV, wrapped up in a blanket drinking soup by the bucket load (There was an urgent raid on the soup kitchen in the circumstances) bellowing orders at anyone within a five mile radius. (i.e. me)
I'm not too sure which is worse, him having just made a complete fool of himself in front of all of Neopia or him normally.
Oh no, he's calling for more minestrone; I'll be back in a minute.
You'll never guess what, he's got a new plan. This time it involves brainwashing the whole of Neopia into forgetting about what happened last night at the Valentines masquerade and hypnotising them into thinking he behaved incredibly suave and civilised and got a date with Jhudora. Destined to fail if you ask me. Tomorrow, he reminded me, is the day he's got his lecture on being an evil mastermind at the school for the evilly inclined. I'm not looking forward to that I can tell you.
Oh cripes! I'd forgotten about that. I'd better go check he's learnt the words to his speech. Will inform you of the disaster after the lecture.
Tally ho.