I do not own Durarara! And this is based on a real event. I wasn't there, so I'm relating it second hand from someone who was. (That someone is played by Shizuo in this fanfic).
Warning: This is funny if you have had trips to the gutter. Otherwise, you will be among those whose head it goes over.
On with the story!
Shizuo-san was sitting with Tanaka Tom in Russia Sushi. They were catching up after a week break from work, having spent the time with family and friends.
"So, how was your visit with Izaya?"
Shizuo leaned back.
"Well, Mikado had brought home a movie, so we all sat down to watch it, and Namie decided to join us. The movie starts, and Namie asks Mikado what the rating is. So the nine year old tells her that it's PG, and she says to bring it over and show her."
Tom picks up his sandwich and eats while Shizuo falls into talking, occasionally sipping his water.
"So she says, 'well damn, it is PG' because we are hearing these thumps and grunts."
Tom raises an eyebrow.
"Turns out, the thumping is this tribe beating sticks on the ground and grunting. It's some initiation ritual. The guy wanting to enter the tribe puts his hand in a hollow tree on a bar where there's a scorpion for about five seconds. If he gets stung, he gets killed. Well, mostly because he would die anyway. If he survives, he gets welcomed in. So we're watching the initiation."
Tom nods.
"And then Izaya looks me dead in the eye, right over Mikado's head. And he says to me, 'Well, looks like their beating their sticks to get the wood beast stirred up'."
Tom chokes on his water. "He said what?"
"That. It's nothing perverted, and it went right over Mikado's head. Of course, I'm trying not to laugh, and Namie is straight faced as she could be."
Tom shakes his head.
"Guess what happened next?"
Tom felt his face lose color. What happened next and Izaya in the same implication meant he would either be horrified, or spit out his drink laughing. He never knew what to expect.
"Mikado asks him what the wood beast is."
Tom felt his eyes goggle. Certainly, a nine year old wouldn't understand, and there was no way Izaya would…right?
"So Izaya tells him that he wood beast is the one in the stump, and that the tribes men are beating their sticks to get it excited."
Tom was dying inside. Even in their booth, he can see the families coming in for an early dinner and bringing their five year olds. There wasn't anything separating them from an entirely too young audience except for human ignorance.
"I mean it. Izaya wasn't saying anything perverted, but he was saying it looking me dead in the eye when he did say it."
Tom shook his head. "Only Izaya." He muttered.
Shizuo nodded. Then he cleared their dishes and they resumed work.
A/N: True story. I laughed some, but most of it still went over my head. But don't tell my friends that.