I know, I know. I have like three unfinished stories. But just play along
and pretend that I make sense when I really don't. And if you need someone
to blame, blame Tim Burton and his 'Nightmare Before Christmas', which
hosted some inspiration to some of the characters. They're not skeletons or
anything...well..just read.
P.S. - This is set before 'Real Folk Blues'. I'm way too lazy to think up a
reason for Spike to survive right now.
Disclaimer: I do not own Cowboy Bebop or the song 'Joining a Fan Club' by
the awesome band, Jellyfish.
Joining A Fan Club : Yeah, Okay, I Really Don't Care
"I'm finding that very hard to believe, Ms. Valentine. I doubt seriously that the incredible Spike Spiegel would ever put himself in the type of danger that you speak of." Faye's eyes widened at the petite brunette's remark. She had just spent a good two hours describing every account she could remember of her bandaging or saving Spike's ass because of his stupid ego, AND while being tied to a chair for that matter. The other two teenagers, whom happened to be boys, were enthralled at the fact that the huntress was merely sitting before them, let alone that she had saved the famous bounty hunter's butt. Faye struggled with the retraints, mentally cursing the green haired lunkhead for getting her into this mess in the first place.
"You actually don't believe me!!! Are you deaf AND stupid?!" The auburn haired adolescent crossed her arms over her chest and stared intently at Faye. "Argh!! I can prove it! I have one more story that can be backed up because it involves all three of you." The girl, who called herself Casey, pulled at a lock of her long hair in annoyance.
"We don't want to hear any more of your stories, Ms. Valentine." However the two boys, Mick and Nick, chimed in unison.
"Yeah we do!!!" Faye Valentine sighed. She could only hope that Spike and Jet received her S.O.S.
It was all the same. Edward finds a bounty, Faye and Spike go out to catch him, Faye screws up miserably, Spike cleans it up, and Jet lectures. Oh yes, that's how it always is, isn't it? Of course, the woman always gets it wrong. And what makes me any different? Absolutely nothing. I'm stuck on a ship, with two men who have never heard of respect in their lifetimes, a computer prodigy, and a really smart dog that loves to piss me off, sometimes intentionally. And i've had hope for Ed, she's the only other thing that carries estrogen. But I fear the day that her hormones actually kick in and replace the cells that have earned her the title 'genius'. I will admit that i've wrecked my fair share of bounties, but never, not even once have I wrecked a police cruiser, injured police officers and civilians, ruined the Bebop in any matter whatsoever or leave my comrades wondering just who the hell Julia is. Oh, but Spike has. And he relishes in his accomplishments when we've wasted more money on bandages than food because of him. This bounty was no different, well almost.
Like I said, it was a standard bounty. Child's play, if you will. The guy was only worth a good three million and half of that was going to repairs that Spike, go figure, had aquired on yet another reckless mission. Spike and I had pinpointed him to a small bar east of the underground city, Original New York, underneath Tibet on Earth. Seemed simple enough. We'd go, i'd woo, he'd shoot, and then BAM!, we'd have three million woolongs in the bank. I had him practically begging to be handcuffed when Spike went against the strict code of signaling. If he had just left me and the guy alone, I could've bagged him myself without hassle or struggle. The last thing I needed was another Andy on board and have Spike go crazy on me like a raging gorilla.
How wrong I was. Spike intentionally went against my wishes and stuck the barrel of his Jericho in the man's back, asking him politely to put his hands behind his head. Well, this ticked the guy off and before I knew it, he had me in a chokehold with a knife pressed firmly on my throat. And you know what the lunkhead did?! He smirked! The little bastard was smiling at the fact that my life rested in his hands! Spike delivered a few blows and the guy was brought down, leaving me with a slight cut on my neck. No biggie, right? Uh, no, WRONG! Way wrong! The knick wouldn't have been there in the first plact if it hadn't been for stupid Spike. Plus, the guy had pushed me back on my rear end when Spike first punched him. So I was bloody, bitchy, and my butt hurt!
We walked to our zipcrafts, side by side, barely talking to each other. I held a hand to my neck, which didn't hurt that much but my anger caused it to burn nonetheless. We dropped off the man and I waited patiently for some smartass comment that would trigger the full Faye Valentine anger potential. And sure enough, when we got back to the hanger of the Bebop.
"Next time, try not to get hurt. We lose more bounties because of you." Oh...that...was...it.
"Me?! Try you!! I would've had that guy if you hadn't butted in!! It's your fault that I have this dumb cut! It's your fault my ass is throbbing right now!!" He loosen his tie and shuffled around in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Even in my most heated moments, he fails to even attempt the same rage that I endure.
"Don't get your panties in wad. Wait, do you even wear panties? Either way, we caught the guy and got our money. Isn't that all that matters to you?" The heat rose to my cheeks. Yes, in most cases the money was the most important goal. Money didn't make inferences about your undergarments, that was for damn sure. I squeezed through the circular door that lead to the main room. Spike was instantly on the old couch. I swear, there must be some kind of signal the couch gives off that calls forth his rear. Jet glanced at our entrance from the kitchen, asking what had happened to my throat.
"I'll tell you what happened." Spike leaned his head back on the couch, getting an upsidedown view of Jet and I.
"Here we go again..." I raised my finger to his eye level, grinding the tip of my ruby nail into the spot where his third eye would be.
"THAT dumbass almost got me killed!!" Jet wiped his hands on the apron he refuses to take off when he cooks.
"Is this true Spike?" He simply shrugged and grabbed for the remote control.
"It's just a scratch. She was taking too damn long with the guy so I had to take it into my own hands." I could feel my lips shape into a large 'O'. The nerve of this guy!! I kicked at the couch, immediately regretting my decision for I stumped my toe on impact. The television began to glow and I suddenly heard wild, girlish giggles. I turned to see what the commotion was and then I saw it - Spike's picture mounted on the screen.
'A local criminal was brought in today after the heroic gesture of bounty hunter Spike Spiegel saved the life of young woman who was being seduced by the hardened criminal.' Behind the newscaster was a group of squealing girls, obviously star struck by the man's good looks. I'd give him that much; he was cute. He could also handle whatever was laid out before him, but man, did he ever know it.
"He was sooooo handsome!! And he took the guy out in one punch!!" Don't make me puke.
"And afterwards, there wasn't a scratch on him!! Oh my god!! He's such a cutie!! Marry me Spike!!"
"We love you Spike!!!" I covered my ears as Jet and Spike let out a howl of laughter. Jet hit Spike's back in a gruff matter.
"Looks like you have your own little fanclub, man." I planted my hand on my hip and pouted. I was the young woman he supposedly saved! And those girls weren't even near the bar we were at! They shouldn't even be gawking at Spike!! He's twice their age, easily.
"More like groupies..." Both men perked up at the idea of having women at their beckon call. This was becoming disgusting. I didn't even want to picture what would happen if one of those preteens got a hold of Spike. Then again, it could prove to be amusing.
"Where are you going, Faye?" Jet had come out of his laughing spell and was walking back to the kitchen.
"Out." I didn't mean to be so harsh to the man. But hell, Spike stole the glory from me! Listen to me, I sound like a spoiled brat who got the attention taken away from her.
"She's probably jealous of my many admirers." Spike's voice was like a drill in my head; it was quickly giving me a headache. Or better yet, he was like a laxative : he irritates the shit out of me. Hm. I was getting pretty good at analogies for the lunkhead. I once again pushed through the small door to go to the hanger.
"Yeah, okay, I don't really care." It was lie, of course. But I wasn't going to let my rough exterior down and have Spike charge his way into my brain with his little 'I told you so' comments. He was so good at telling me that.
I had rented a cheap motel room for the night with my small share of the bounty. I didn't really feel like going back quite yet. Last thing I needed was a snooty comment from the cowboy. Plus, the holidays were coming and I didn't mind getting a few gifts while I was out. I could be nice when I wanted to be. A small beep ended my short shower that I was actually enjoying since the hot water wasn't being stolen for once.
"What?" Jet's deep voice boomed over the communicator.
"Where are you?"
"Why does it matter? I needed to cool off." There was some soft humming. I was hoping it was just carolers and not a perverted freak who got off on singing to the objects of his perversion. "Dammit. Hold on, Jet....BUG OFF!!! Where was I?" I saw Jet's brow crunch up and I could only suspect that he was agitated with Spike as well.
"Get back over here! Ed has a lead on a bounty." I crinkled my nose in objection.
"I will when i'm good and ready!! Besides, I don't think Mr. Popular has gotten off his high horse quite yet. And another thing, I can't be-" There was that singing again. Geez, you'd think brats could take a hint." Hold on Jet..." I stomped over to the door, shoving it open. "I thought I said BUG - what the hell!" In front of me stood three kids : two guys and a girl, all around sixteen or fifteen. The two boys were holding what seemed to be pistols.
"Feliz Navidad! You're coming with us." I bent down to the first kid's level. In all honesty, I didn't want to be bothered with such petty demands.
"Yeah? You and what army kiddo?" The two teenage boys pulled the trigger, silly string attacking me from every angle. If I hadn't been so surpirsed, then i'd be pissed. Silly string is a bitch to get out of wet hair. "Hey! What the hell are you doing?!" I was pushed from behind and wrapped up in some kind of tarp. Then I was being carried away. When I was finally unveiled, I found myself in a rather desolate location. My belongings, which consisted of my communicator and my hair band, lay in a pile beside me. I then realized I was tied up.
"Oh my gosh! It's really her!! It's really Faye Valentine!" A small girl with tawny hair popped up in front of me, gaining a small yelp in response. Please don't let me think what I think it is. "It is SUCH a pleasure Ms. Valentine. Or Faye. Can I call you Faye?" The two boys were quickly beside her, each one staring in wonder.
"Can we touch her?" Oh God no. Teenage boys poking me. I can only imagine what places they'd touch. I shudder to even think it.
"No!!" The girl spoke up once more. For once, I was thankful for insisten chattering. At least it'd keep the hormonal boys away. She got closer to my face, the same stupefaction pasted on her freckled face. "It is such an honor! Now, down to business....can I have a lock of your hair?" Okay, that was the final straw. I curled my legs up to my chest and pushed with all my might, knocking the girl to floor about a ten feet away.
"Gah!! No!! Where the hell am I?! Who the hell are you people!! And why the hell is that weirdo asking for my hair?!" The male duo stumbled over to their friend and hovered over her with admiration.
"Whoa....you totally got kicked by Faye Valentine. You could SO sell yourself now!!" Oh my. I've died and gone to hell. See! THIS is what happens when you get jealous of comrades. Heaven sends you hell and delivers whatever you were jealous of ten times worse. The young lady got up, dusted herself off, and calmly, almost eerily, walked over to me.
"I, Faye Valentine, am Casey. And that is Mick and Nick. They're twins." Go figure. "And you, are present in the first ever Faye Valentine Fanclub meeting!! We are your biggest fans and have followed every bounty hunt you go on. You're one of the best female bounty hunters out there and second to the best ever." And I thought Ed was weird....whoa...second. No, no honey. Faye Valentine doesn't come in second. Some i'm being tied up and held hostage by crazy teenagers that are hungry for a beautiful, intelligent, and strong female idol to worship, and more power to them, but I don't come in second.
"Second?" The twins, one with spiked tangerine hair and the other with cobalt highlights to his shoulders, glanced at one another. Casey cleared her throat. She was more than likely nervois from my question. And she should be. When I found out who the best bounty hunter was...well....he wouldn't be best when I was done with him. I'd have my way with him, no doubt.
"Well....yes." I lowered my head like a stalking predator.
"Who's first?"
"Well....I mean, you're the best woman out there. But the best bounty hunter, by far, is Mr. Spike Spiegel." My eyebrow twitched for a moment before I let out the most horrific scream that could easily be heard in the next universe.
On the Bebop
"You should go after her." Jet paced anxiously around the communicator. It had been just a half hour ago that the shrew had been kidnapped, Jet listening to the entire scenario. "Besides, she left because of you." Spike uncovered his face that had been hidden by a tossed magazine.
"She's fine Jet. She always does this, remember?" Jet shook his bald head vigorously and pointed to the door.
"Go find her. You get nothing to eat until she's brought back." Spike would have easily defied the captain's orders if his stomach hadn't betrayed him first.
"It's not like i'd be missing anything," Spike mumbled as he journeyed to the hanger and begin the even longer search for the gold digger.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."
Joining A Fan Club : Yeah, Okay, I Really Don't Care
"I'm finding that very hard to believe, Ms. Valentine. I doubt seriously that the incredible Spike Spiegel would ever put himself in the type of danger that you speak of." Faye's eyes widened at the petite brunette's remark. She had just spent a good two hours describing every account she could remember of her bandaging or saving Spike's ass because of his stupid ego, AND while being tied to a chair for that matter. The other two teenagers, whom happened to be boys, were enthralled at the fact that the huntress was merely sitting before them, let alone that she had saved the famous bounty hunter's butt. Faye struggled with the retraints, mentally cursing the green haired lunkhead for getting her into this mess in the first place.
"You actually don't believe me!!! Are you deaf AND stupid?!" The auburn haired adolescent crossed her arms over her chest and stared intently at Faye. "Argh!! I can prove it! I have one more story that can be backed up because it involves all three of you." The girl, who called herself Casey, pulled at a lock of her long hair in annoyance.
"We don't want to hear any more of your stories, Ms. Valentine." However the two boys, Mick and Nick, chimed in unison.
"Yeah we do!!!" Faye Valentine sighed. She could only hope that Spike and Jet received her S.O.S.
It was all the same. Edward finds a bounty, Faye and Spike go out to catch him, Faye screws up miserably, Spike cleans it up, and Jet lectures. Oh yes, that's how it always is, isn't it? Of course, the woman always gets it wrong. And what makes me any different? Absolutely nothing. I'm stuck on a ship, with two men who have never heard of respect in their lifetimes, a computer prodigy, and a really smart dog that loves to piss me off, sometimes intentionally. And i've had hope for Ed, she's the only other thing that carries estrogen. But I fear the day that her hormones actually kick in and replace the cells that have earned her the title 'genius'. I will admit that i've wrecked my fair share of bounties, but never, not even once have I wrecked a police cruiser, injured police officers and civilians, ruined the Bebop in any matter whatsoever or leave my comrades wondering just who the hell Julia is. Oh, but Spike has. And he relishes in his accomplishments when we've wasted more money on bandages than food because of him. This bounty was no different, well almost.
Like I said, it was a standard bounty. Child's play, if you will. The guy was only worth a good three million and half of that was going to repairs that Spike, go figure, had aquired on yet another reckless mission. Spike and I had pinpointed him to a small bar east of the underground city, Original New York, underneath Tibet on Earth. Seemed simple enough. We'd go, i'd woo, he'd shoot, and then BAM!, we'd have three million woolongs in the bank. I had him practically begging to be handcuffed when Spike went against the strict code of signaling. If he had just left me and the guy alone, I could've bagged him myself without hassle or struggle. The last thing I needed was another Andy on board and have Spike go crazy on me like a raging gorilla.
How wrong I was. Spike intentionally went against my wishes and stuck the barrel of his Jericho in the man's back, asking him politely to put his hands behind his head. Well, this ticked the guy off and before I knew it, he had me in a chokehold with a knife pressed firmly on my throat. And you know what the lunkhead did?! He smirked! The little bastard was smiling at the fact that my life rested in his hands! Spike delivered a few blows and the guy was brought down, leaving me with a slight cut on my neck. No biggie, right? Uh, no, WRONG! Way wrong! The knick wouldn't have been there in the first plact if it hadn't been for stupid Spike. Plus, the guy had pushed me back on my rear end when Spike first punched him. So I was bloody, bitchy, and my butt hurt!
We walked to our zipcrafts, side by side, barely talking to each other. I held a hand to my neck, which didn't hurt that much but my anger caused it to burn nonetheless. We dropped off the man and I waited patiently for some smartass comment that would trigger the full Faye Valentine anger potential. And sure enough, when we got back to the hanger of the Bebop.
"Next time, try not to get hurt. We lose more bounties because of you." Oh...that...was...it.
"Me?! Try you!! I would've had that guy if you hadn't butted in!! It's your fault that I have this dumb cut! It's your fault my ass is throbbing right now!!" He loosen his tie and shuffled around in his pocket for his pack of cigarettes. Even in my most heated moments, he fails to even attempt the same rage that I endure.
"Don't get your panties in wad. Wait, do you even wear panties? Either way, we caught the guy and got our money. Isn't that all that matters to you?" The heat rose to my cheeks. Yes, in most cases the money was the most important goal. Money didn't make inferences about your undergarments, that was for damn sure. I squeezed through the circular door that lead to the main room. Spike was instantly on the old couch. I swear, there must be some kind of signal the couch gives off that calls forth his rear. Jet glanced at our entrance from the kitchen, asking what had happened to my throat.
"I'll tell you what happened." Spike leaned his head back on the couch, getting an upsidedown view of Jet and I.
"Here we go again..." I raised my finger to his eye level, grinding the tip of my ruby nail into the spot where his third eye would be.
"THAT dumbass almost got me killed!!" Jet wiped his hands on the apron he refuses to take off when he cooks.
"Is this true Spike?" He simply shrugged and grabbed for the remote control.
"It's just a scratch. She was taking too damn long with the guy so I had to take it into my own hands." I could feel my lips shape into a large 'O'. The nerve of this guy!! I kicked at the couch, immediately regretting my decision for I stumped my toe on impact. The television began to glow and I suddenly heard wild, girlish giggles. I turned to see what the commotion was and then I saw it - Spike's picture mounted on the screen.
'A local criminal was brought in today after the heroic gesture of bounty hunter Spike Spiegel saved the life of young woman who was being seduced by the hardened criminal.' Behind the newscaster was a group of squealing girls, obviously star struck by the man's good looks. I'd give him that much; he was cute. He could also handle whatever was laid out before him, but man, did he ever know it.
"He was sooooo handsome!! And he took the guy out in one punch!!" Don't make me puke.
"And afterwards, there wasn't a scratch on him!! Oh my god!! He's such a cutie!! Marry me Spike!!"
"We love you Spike!!!" I covered my ears as Jet and Spike let out a howl of laughter. Jet hit Spike's back in a gruff matter.
"Looks like you have your own little fanclub, man." I planted my hand on my hip and pouted. I was the young woman he supposedly saved! And those girls weren't even near the bar we were at! They shouldn't even be gawking at Spike!! He's twice their age, easily.
"More like groupies..." Both men perked up at the idea of having women at their beckon call. This was becoming disgusting. I didn't even want to picture what would happen if one of those preteens got a hold of Spike. Then again, it could prove to be amusing.
"Where are you going, Faye?" Jet had come out of his laughing spell and was walking back to the kitchen.
"Out." I didn't mean to be so harsh to the man. But hell, Spike stole the glory from me! Listen to me, I sound like a spoiled brat who got the attention taken away from her.
"She's probably jealous of my many admirers." Spike's voice was like a drill in my head; it was quickly giving me a headache. Or better yet, he was like a laxative : he irritates the shit out of me. Hm. I was getting pretty good at analogies for the lunkhead. I once again pushed through the small door to go to the hanger.
"Yeah, okay, I don't really care." It was lie, of course. But I wasn't going to let my rough exterior down and have Spike charge his way into my brain with his little 'I told you so' comments. He was so good at telling me that.
I had rented a cheap motel room for the night with my small share of the bounty. I didn't really feel like going back quite yet. Last thing I needed was a snooty comment from the cowboy. Plus, the holidays were coming and I didn't mind getting a few gifts while I was out. I could be nice when I wanted to be. A small beep ended my short shower that I was actually enjoying since the hot water wasn't being stolen for once.
"What?" Jet's deep voice boomed over the communicator.
"Where are you?"
"Why does it matter? I needed to cool off." There was some soft humming. I was hoping it was just carolers and not a perverted freak who got off on singing to the objects of his perversion. "Dammit. Hold on, Jet....BUG OFF!!! Where was I?" I saw Jet's brow crunch up and I could only suspect that he was agitated with Spike as well.
"Get back over here! Ed has a lead on a bounty." I crinkled my nose in objection.
"I will when i'm good and ready!! Besides, I don't think Mr. Popular has gotten off his high horse quite yet. And another thing, I can't be-" There was that singing again. Geez, you'd think brats could take a hint." Hold on Jet..." I stomped over to the door, shoving it open. "I thought I said BUG - what the hell!" In front of me stood three kids : two guys and a girl, all around sixteen or fifteen. The two boys were holding what seemed to be pistols.
"Feliz Navidad! You're coming with us." I bent down to the first kid's level. In all honesty, I didn't want to be bothered with such petty demands.
"Yeah? You and what army kiddo?" The two teenage boys pulled the trigger, silly string attacking me from every angle. If I hadn't been so surpirsed, then i'd be pissed. Silly string is a bitch to get out of wet hair. "Hey! What the hell are you doing?!" I was pushed from behind and wrapped up in some kind of tarp. Then I was being carried away. When I was finally unveiled, I found myself in a rather desolate location. My belongings, which consisted of my communicator and my hair band, lay in a pile beside me. I then realized I was tied up.
"Oh my gosh! It's really her!! It's really Faye Valentine!" A small girl with tawny hair popped up in front of me, gaining a small yelp in response. Please don't let me think what I think it is. "It is SUCH a pleasure Ms. Valentine. Or Faye. Can I call you Faye?" The two boys were quickly beside her, each one staring in wonder.
"Can we touch her?" Oh God no. Teenage boys poking me. I can only imagine what places they'd touch. I shudder to even think it.
"No!!" The girl spoke up once more. For once, I was thankful for insisten chattering. At least it'd keep the hormonal boys away. She got closer to my face, the same stupefaction pasted on her freckled face. "It is such an honor! Now, down to business....can I have a lock of your hair?" Okay, that was the final straw. I curled my legs up to my chest and pushed with all my might, knocking the girl to floor about a ten feet away.
"Gah!! No!! Where the hell am I?! Who the hell are you people!! And why the hell is that weirdo asking for my hair?!" The male duo stumbled over to their friend and hovered over her with admiration.
"Whoa....you totally got kicked by Faye Valentine. You could SO sell yourself now!!" Oh my. I've died and gone to hell. See! THIS is what happens when you get jealous of comrades. Heaven sends you hell and delivers whatever you were jealous of ten times worse. The young lady got up, dusted herself off, and calmly, almost eerily, walked over to me.
"I, Faye Valentine, am Casey. And that is Mick and Nick. They're twins." Go figure. "And you, are present in the first ever Faye Valentine Fanclub meeting!! We are your biggest fans and have followed every bounty hunt you go on. You're one of the best female bounty hunters out there and second to the best ever." And I thought Ed was weird....whoa...second. No, no honey. Faye Valentine doesn't come in second. Some i'm being tied up and held hostage by crazy teenagers that are hungry for a beautiful, intelligent, and strong female idol to worship, and more power to them, but I don't come in second.
"Second?" The twins, one with spiked tangerine hair and the other with cobalt highlights to his shoulders, glanced at one another. Casey cleared her throat. She was more than likely nervois from my question. And she should be. When I found out who the best bounty hunter was...well....he wouldn't be best when I was done with him. I'd have my way with him, no doubt.
"Well....yes." I lowered my head like a stalking predator.
"Who's first?"
"Well....I mean, you're the best woman out there. But the best bounty hunter, by far, is Mr. Spike Spiegel." My eyebrow twitched for a moment before I let out the most horrific scream that could easily be heard in the next universe.
On the Bebop
"You should go after her." Jet paced anxiously around the communicator. It had been just a half hour ago that the shrew had been kidnapped, Jet listening to the entire scenario. "Besides, she left because of you." Spike uncovered his face that had been hidden by a tossed magazine.
"She's fine Jet. She always does this, remember?" Jet shook his bald head vigorously and pointed to the door.
"Go find her. You get nothing to eat until she's brought back." Spike would have easily defied the captain's orders if his stomach hadn't betrayed him first.
"It's not like i'd be missing anything," Spike mumbled as he journeyed to the hanger and begin the even longer search for the gold digger.
"What was that?"
"Nothing."