His Rusty Strings

The strings of his guitar were rusted -the consequence of playing while his hands were still wet. The subway was occupied by very few people, twelve perhaps and him makes thirteen. They were all people he didn't know but somehow, he felt like they were all connected. His fingers plucked a tune of his own composition. He knew, though, that it was a memory from the life he used to have.

---

They say that the moment before you die your whole life flashes before your eyes. It's clichéd, I know, but whoever started the idea should really be given credit. Before Sora delivered the final blow that would end my non-existence, my whole world came to a halt. Time just stopped ticking as I stood there watching my memories pass me by like a train in a subway. Okay, bad analogy, but you get the picture

Maybe the reason Xemnas never acknowledged my presence in his organization as much as the other members was because I never really took the time to make a statement, unlike Saix who was always popping in and out of Xemnas' line of vision every few minutes. I never really took the time to check up on Kingdom Hearts while he was there. I never really felt any obligation at all to see how it was going.

I guess it's because seeing Xemnas watching over Kingdom Hearts bothered me.

The one time I came to watch over, I found myself facing Xemnas' back, his head raised towards the forming Kingdom Hearts. It bothered me that Xemnas was emitting an aura of such a strong passion of wanting despite the fact that he –we were nobodies. For someone who was supposed to act the most nobody-like, Xemnas was the one who wanted Kingdom Hearts the most.

As impossible as it may be for nobodies to want, Xemnas seemed lonely.

He was still watching over Kingdom Hearts while we were all "enjoying" ourselves. There was this one time; I can still remember every detail of shock on Zexion's face when we threw that surprise celebration for him after his victory over this one particularly difficult mission. He's been stressing over that mission for how many weeks, coming home bloody and wounded from lost battles. He's been so hassled over it that, I remember, he wasn't able to speak a straight sentence for days. Then one day, he came home, his coat was in shreds, but there was a small smile on his face. Everyone could immediately tell it was over.

I was almost certain he was tearing up in gratitude when he saw the soufflé, however horridly deformed Xaldin made it, but I guess I was wrong. Nobodies can't feel but even if fact remains that nobodies can't feel gratitude or even tear up, Zexion looked genuinely surprised.

It was …fun… having those little moments –acting as if everything's over when we all knew it's not. I never really understood what was happening inside Axel's room whenever Roxas was there with him. On the occasion that I would pass by, I always heard them snickering. Even laughing loud enough to be heard through a closed door. Once, I thought of knocking, to see what was going on, but it seemed wrong for me to intrude with no valid reason. They just seemed to be having so much fun.

I guess for a nobody, that wouldn't be possible, but however incapable we may be of having fun, during those times, Axel and Roxas were happy.

I've never had a best friend. I don't think the rest of us ever had one… or maybe they just didn't want a best friend. I thought that Vexen and Marluxia would've gotten along but they never seemed to stop bickering. Even during their silent fights, they would be glaring at each other, nose to nose; you would cringe at the extreme atmosphere of total loathing surrounding them.

Somehow, I get the feeling that as much as everyone denies that nobodies have hearts and can feel, they seem to welcome the feeling of anger with open arms.

We're not always at each other's throats, though. Some like to strike from behind. I should know. I stood behind the door, watching an infuriated Larxene realize that Axel had double-crossed them. I watched my memory of me strolling by the meeting room. I remembered hearing voices. I abruptly stopped to listen and I heard everything.

"You can't just send him out to battle with Sora. The kid ain't strong enough."

I recognized Xigbar's voice. A mellow, taunting voice answered back. "The point exactly. He's useless. We should just let Sora annihilate him."

Saix…. Who was he talking about?

"You think I'd let you send Demyx out to fight Sora? Huh. As if. You're not the superior."

A growl was the response and my heart, if I had one, skipped a beat. Did he say my name? They were just going to send me off to die? They were just going to let Sora kill me? A gunshot pulled me back from my thoughts and I focused once more on what was happening.

"Now, now, no need to be so hasty."

Luxord… He'll save me.

"Xigbar, believe in his abilities. Are you saying you don't trust him enough to win?"

"Of course I believe in him, but…"

Xibar fell silent and I felt something within me drop. Did I even believe in myself at that time?

" –was apologizing for trodding on a flower! He's too much of a wimp."

"But that was because Marluxia was going to kill him!"

"He could've defended himself."

"Do you really want to lose another member? Roxas is already gone."

"Fine. He's going to bring Roxas back, then. My decision is final. We throw away what we don't need. Xigbar, you brief him on his new assignment. He's going to bring Roxas back, fight Sora and if he dies…" I remember hearing the smug tone in his voice, "…Xemnas won't even know he's gone."

I took notice of the sound of a portal open and I assumed that it was Saix that left because I kept to mind what Xigbar said.

"Xemnas might not notice, but I would."

I could've almost imagined Luxord smile. "Quoting Axel, huh? Getting soft?"

"As if."

I felt a rush for affection for Xigbar but that affection died out when I found a note on top of my drawer.

"If the subject fails to respond, use aggression to liberate his true disposition."

That was how he was going to brief me? A note? I felt a feeling of betrayal mix with shock and the sense of dread I had of knowing that I might die –no, fade away into darkness, soon. I remember realizing that I was shaking and that I was terribly afraid. I remember clutching my chest, hoping to find the galloping heartbeat that I already knew wasn't there. How was it that we could feel all these when we don't have hearts?

I was still asking that when I went to face Sora the first time. I'd forgotten what I was supposed to do and re-read the note out loud. I let my water clones dance with him for a bit while spacing out. When he'd finished them all, I panicked and ran away. I guess I shouldn't have done that because I got lost and I remember running into an enormous three-headed dog the last time I got lost.

When I went to face Sora again for a second time, I staggered a bit and for some reason, I said that they were looking lively. It was at that time that I decided that I was going to stop running away. I decided that I was going to prove to them that I'm not useless. I was going to prove them wrong.

I'm not useless. I'm going to win.

"Didn't we catch you messing around in the underworld? How'd a wimp like you get into Organization XIII?"

I was taken aback. I gasped and tried to move myself into a battle position but ended up failing miserably which only made me look stupid.

Sora crossed his arms over his chest. "I bet you can't even fight."

"Yeah, but we can!" That duck of his annoyed me.

I stood up straight. I was starting to get really pissed off. "You shouldn't judge anyone by appearance."

They went into battle mode and frankly, I started shaking again. I turned my back to them and I suppose, if it wasn't for Sora's chivalry, I would've been dead before I even got my sitar out. "I told them they were sending the wrong guy…" But I don't think any of the Organization members were listening.

"Who is this kook?"

"Remember, the Organization's made up of nobodies."

"Right –no hearts!" I heard Sora say. That brought me into a realization. I had an epiphany of some sort. I could feel this fear because I did have a heart. We all felt those things because we did have hearts and Sora was the first person I shared my realization with.

"Oh, we do too have hearts! Don't be mad…"

The duck was the first to comment. "You can't trick us!"

Huh? Trick? I wasn't trying to trick anyone…. They didn't understand. I remember thinking that they'll never understand. Roxas knew, didn't he? Roxas knew we all had hearts, but he didn't tell us. Instead, he ran away. He betrayed us. I remember thinking that I wasn't going to do the same thing. I was going to go back to the Organization and tell them about my epiphany then they'll acknowledge me.

I turned to them –to Sora –to Roxas and pointed an accusing finger at him.

"Silence, Traitor."

I summoned my sitar and so the battle began as we all knew it would. Hit after hit, note after note, water walls after geysers after clones clashed with that keyblade of his. I probably should have focused more on the battle instead of thinking over my knowledge of maybe we, Organization members, did have hearts and we just didn't notice. I was too caught up in that epiphany of mine to see Sora landing that fatal blow upon my head.

"No way…."

As my last memory faded away, total darkness enveloped my being as I dropped into oblivion.

---

The subway was occupied by very few people, twelve perhaps and him makes thirteen. As their eyes met one another, every single one of them knew that they were all connected somehow. His fingers plucked a tune of his own composition. He knew, though, that it was a memory from the life he used to have. The strings of his guitar were rusted –like the strings of his now existent heart.