I Can't Let Go
I wanted his affection for the moment I met him.
It wasn't that he and his five friends were the heroes of the war.
It wasn't that he was actually quite handsome. I have always been attracted to men with long hair and blue eyes…
It wasn't even that fact that he had a witty, charming, and very charismatic personality.
He knew that. The guy did not need an ego trip in the least.
It was because he shined. I mean he really shined.
There where those kind of people who radiated beauty from the outside. Men who were just naturally attractive and handsome.
Then there where those, like my true love, who radiated inner beauty, like that of some kind of earthly angel.
That what I loved-no, that's what I love about him. Just because he's gone doesn't mean my love for him is gone.
Unfortunately, I was never able to tell him that. I could never seem to find the right time, or the words would never come. Either way, that's how it was. We were friends, buddies, comrades, 'partners in crime' he used to joke. He was always so happy go lucky, always joking something, so you could never tell what he was thinking behind those big, blue, laughing sapphires of his.
It always made me wonder what he truly thought of me.
Now he's gone…
Duo…
Sleep clouded my vision. My room was cold and I shivered under a sudden breeze that blew easily through my thin nightgown. I rolled over to look at my huge balcony and saw that the double doors had swung open. Cursing under my breath I stood and closed the doors, throwing the latch down and gazing at the full moon as wispy, gray clouds floated over it.
"Sure is pretty, isn't it?" an all too familiar voice said behind me. I jumped with a yelp and spun around to find my love standing there, dressed fully in black but still shining that inner beauty that not even death could take away. There was still something mournful in his eyes.
Longing for him I ran to his arms. His touch was cold, but it was there and that was all that mattered to me. We sat on the bed together, wrapped in each other's arms. He pulled back to look at me, his eyes deep and expressive as they suddenly filled with crystal tears. I could only sit and stare, surprised at the presence of tears in his happy eyes. His eyes weren't so happy now. I finally pulled him close to me, letting him lay his weary head on my shoulder.
"I'm sorry…," I said sadly. I rocked him back and forth, letting tears soak my gown and telling him everything was all right, when I myself knew that not to be true.
Why oh why would my happy pilot cry so?
His pain was over now. Or so I had led myself to believe. I held him there, soothing his fears with soft singing of songs we once sang together.
His tears finally ended and he raised his head. He looked so sad, so lonely and pained. I asked him what was troubling his mind.
"I never should have left." He replied. I could give no answer, for his statement was so obvious.
"I didn't mean to go." He continued, "I didn't know…I didn't know my time was up." He began to sob again, so I couldn't ask him what he'd meant. I searched for something to say, but only wound up stumbling over my words. So I just sat there and played with his tangled chestnut bangs. We sat there in mourning of his life until the early light of dawn.
As the sun rose over the hills, I felt a tiny piece of me shatter.
The next day, dressed in black, I left my room only to find that everyone was carrying on as though life was normal.
So this is how it would have been had I been the one to pass on.
I sighed, unable to take the way they were going about their lives as though he was still there. I walked to the door and left the house, squinting as I moved in to the bright sunlit yard. My love was there; bending near a tired rose bush long past it's budding prime. I went to him, kneeling near him so close that our faces were only inches apart. How I wanted to kiss him, but I refrained from it. He tried to stifle a sob, but I saw him swallow the lump in his throat. Was it me that brought about this sadness? No. He just didn't want to be gone.
I brushed his tousled bangs from his eyes, ran my hand gently down his braid until it came to rest on his shoulder. I saw him not as the strong willed, boisterous, energetic pilot from the wars, but a pale, fragile doll that would break if one pushed him too hard. Sympathetically I traced a finger down his cheek. His eyes bore in to me, showing fear and uncertainty, as though he was living in some dream from which he longed to wake bout could not find the strength.
With a cry he wrapped his arms around me, lacing them around my thin waist and burying his face in my chest, weeping and muttering words I didn't understand.
That night we lay our dear friend to rest, and the rain poured from the sky as though the angels weeped for the loss of my love, this young, brave pilot whom this world had come to love. All of his friends placed red roses on the grave. I placed the single white rose from the dying rose bush. Everyone had wonderful things to say about him, too. I couldn't find the words. As I stood there, cold rain, tears rolling down my cheeks and getting in to my long, midnight hair, something cracked. Looking at his grave, all I could think was that it wasn't fair. None of it was.
I ran then. Ran from the scene of my love being taken from me to become nothing but the memory of a war hero. I couldn't take it anymore. It should never have happened!
A kind voice called to me as I ran from there, but I kept going. The rain and wind whipped my midnight hair across my face, making me feel numb and cold.
I fell to my knees on the wet ground and let out my pain in a cry of the dead.
His voice finally reached me. I looked up to see him standing there, the rose in his hand, tears in his eyes.
He reached for me…
I awoke with a startled cry, safe in my bed, out of the rain…but my love was still gone. I let out a sob and fell back to the pillow.
I just can't let go of him.
Two white petals danced by me in the wind. Perfect, pure, they seemed to be like two ballerinas, enthralled in a dance of love and nature. I captured one in my hand and brought it to my lips.
"I know you're here. Please…" I whispered so quietly against the petal. I placed a kiss upon its velvety surface and opened my eyes. Two shining navy sapphire blue eyes met my gaze. He took my hand and looked at me. His eyes, though filled with sorrow and pain from the war, we so very innocent. All around me I could hear the wind whistled, tree branches clanked and clinked in time, and the near by ocean roared in it's bass and tenor voice, all working together in the eerie tune of the night.
"I want to understand." I moaned. He gently put his finger to my lips, trying to make me understand. Suddenly something came over me. The scenery of the night turned in to a swirling mass of dark colors and my knees felt weak. My love was startled and reached for me. Sweeping my weak body in to his arms, he apologized softly in my ear.
"I'm sorry. I can't explain it to you. As much as I want to, I can't." he said softly. I could only nod numbly.
Everything was so damned confusing…
Duo's lips had found a place on my cheek. I flushed crimson and pulled away, barely able to stand on shaking knees. He bowed his head and apologized for being so brash, a tiny bit of crimson creeping in to his own cheeks. Timidly, almost fearfully I let my fingertips caress his cheek. Pulling him to me I gave him a tiny, feathery light kiss. My action surprised him, and he stared at me with his eyes wide, bringing his fingers to his lips as though unsure the kiss really happened. I giggled and gave a flirty smile. When he still stared at me in question, I let the wild light in my eyes dim.
Our hands joined under a silvery moon and we stood there watching the night pass. In the moonlight his wings appeared. Not pure white wings, like I had so often imagined, but black, black as night, like those of the black clothes he wore. He gave me a sheepish look and apologized for the third time that night. He raised them high, and I ran to him, lacing my arms around his strong body, so afraid my love would leave me.
"No, I'm sorry." He smiled softly and pressed his lips to my forehead.
"I wish I could make you understand."
Feeling faint and weak again, he returned me to my waiting bed.
I knelt beside my bed to say a prayer, hoping I would speak it loud enough for my love to hear.
"I can only pray that my love comes and rescues me from this storm that rages in my heart tonight. One kiss, and I'll be free."
I lifted my tired body in to bed and slowly drifted off to sleep, lulled by the sound of the pounding ran and the rushing sea.
A loud bang awakened me from my slumber, and suddenly wet rain was pouring in to my room through the open balcony doors. Just outside my window Duo was perched in a tree, his black wings shielding his head from the rain. I let the soaked boy in to my room and found a towel to dry his soaked hair and wings. Though he smiled and giggled playfully now, saying a needn't fuss over him and trying to soak me with his drenched braid, I could see how death had torn through him. His eyes didn't quite have the same shine, and his tone was slightly different than before. Worried and always longing for something.
I loved him so much. His eyes met mine with no hatred, despite his dark appearance. I could see now that he felt the same as I did, but…he was no longer here, so it didn't matter. I felt another piece of me shatter as my comprehension slowly started coming.
I knew he had lived again just to meet me, to truly said he had love in his heart before he was taken away again.
I was finally beginning to understand what he was, who he had been. Through the entirety of the circumstances weren't fully there at the time, I was finally understanding. I still felt as though it wasn't fair.
Why did he have to leave again? Why did he have to leave me alone?
I fell upon the bed even though Duo still stood there, crying out with all my anger as tears spilled on the white linens.
"Why do I have to be alone? Why? Why!" I cried out. I thought he gave an answer, but the lights flung on through my cries. Two of his friends, Heero and Quatre had been awakened by cries.
Heero gave me a half-sympathetic look. Quatre sat down on the bed and brushed my bangs from my eyes, trying to tell me it was going to be all right.
"You're not alone, Akira. We're here." He said. I looked to where my love had been and saw him fading away.
I screamed in terror and reached out for him, Heero and Quatre staring at me.
"NO! You can't leave me! Please!" I screamed. My hand fell to the bed in vain.
Suddenly I was out of the bed and running through the streets to the place where my love, Duo, my dark angel was laid to rest. Tears streamed down my cheeks, salt mixing with the fresh rain pounding on my head. I fell to my knees at his grave, feeling dizzy and weak. I fell forward in to a dead faint.
Music was filling my ears. Beautiful music, like some mystical song not played by human instruments. Two brilliant sapphires looked worriedly down at me. They were filled with crystal tears, and I was being held in his cold arms.
"Please tell me you're all right. This is my fault…" he muttered, a silent tear falling on my face.
"Duo…?" I mumbled, gently touching his tear stained face, feeling the salty water come to my own eyes, "Oh, Duo…" I sobbed. He laid me down on the bed, letting me snuggled against his chest.
"You understand now, Akira?" he asked. I loved in when he said my name like that.
"Yes. Tell me…how it happened?"
"It was an accident. The building that Heero and I were in…some one had planed an attack. They had set up bombs on the first floor, where we were when they went off. I tried to save Heero, loosing my life in the processes. It wasn't supposed to happen like that, so I was given a second chance to live, a chance to finish the war with the others. I never knew that I had a time limit, though, or else I would have done better things with my life. I guess I made a deal with Death and never knew it. That's why I have these." He explained, gesturing towards his well defined back.
"It doesn't make you bad." I said softly. I reached forward and gently touched the feathery wings, feeling their soft texture.
"Yes, I know." His black wings vanished, a single black feather falling from them. Duo snatched the feather in the air and brought it to my lips, brushing the soft item against them. My eyes fluttered ever so slightly. A single tear rolled down my cheek. He took the black feather and captured my tear upon it. I watched in amazement as my tear ran along the tiny hairs of the feather and turned each one a pure, glimmering white. I looked to him with a million unanswered questions in my eyes. He pulled me close to his body. I snuggled close to him as he ran his fingers through my hair and gently down my arm. He brought his lips close to my ear.
"Can I love you tonight?" My eyes went wide at his unexpected question.
"I…yes." I finally breathed. I gave a small shutter as his fingers ran the length of my gown. Gently he pulled on the Prussian blue ribbon and my gown slid easily off my slender body. He took the now white feather and let it run the length of my naked body.
I whispered his name, knowing that only the morning light could come between us.
He loved me that night, and for once I felt full and happy.
We slept there, tangled in the silken sheets and wrapped in each other's arms.
Never before had a shown Duo my love, never had I expressed my feelings. Buddies, comrades, that's all we ever seemed to be to each other, at least in my eyes.
Then Death rushed in to claim his prize, and I lost my chance to even be with him as friends.
So, only in death, in dreams could I show my angel my true heart.
Duo awoke beside me as I was thinking these thoughts, pulling me closer and muttering something with a sly smile. Another piece of me broke. Showing him my love wasn't enough. I knew I had to say the words to him before he was gone forever.
"Duo…"
"Yes?"
"I…I love you." I said, my words softly falling upon his ears.
"Akira-"
Death, my eternal foe, yet my eternal friend, appeared before Duo could finish answering me. Death's eyes beckoned my love to come forth, return to a land beyond all reality and so very far out of my reach. I gripped Duo's waist harder, willing him to stay, never wanting him to leave my arms.
He left my grasp despite all of my holding on, letting his dark wings spread behind him. He was so dark, yet he was so radiant. He would never loose that inner beauty that I loved so much.
Slowly I stood, the silk sheets wrapped around me like a gown. His navy eyes sparkled as he looked to me. He knelt before me, gently taking my hand in to his. He kissed my hand, then slipped a tiny silver ring with a small sapphire the color of his own eyes on to my finger.
"Someday we will be together again, Akira, my love." Tears fell freely from my eyes as he faded away from me.
Slowly I felt the rain fall on my head…
I stirred slowly awake to the sound of Trowa's voice.
"Akira! Akira! Wake up!" he was calling, worry filling his usually calm voice. I was still laying on Duo's grave, in the rain, soaked to the bone and shivering. Near by his friends stood, waiting for me to awaken. I sat up with a cry, startling his friends. Trowa helped me to stand and they returned me home quickly.
As we neared I saw the dyeing rose bush.
"You guys go on. I'll be in in a moment." I said to them. They looked at me with concern in their eyes.
"Akira, it's pouring down rain out here. You're going to catch pneumonia." Wufei said.
"I promise I'll be in shortly." I reassured them. They hesitated, but Heero nodded and they walked in side. All but one, whom I didn't see standing on the porch as the others closed the door. I was too busy staring at the rose bush to notice him. I walked closer to the bush, ignoring the pounding rain falling all around me.
There, in the center of the dying leaves and almost black rose petals was a single white rose, just barely touched with deep blue colors around the edges of each petal. Sitting in the middle of the rose was a tiny silver ring with a tiny blue stone.
I reached forward and took the ring in my hand, feeling tears well up in my eyes. They fell slowly down my cheeks, mixing with the rain. Smiling through my pain I remembered his love for me, and mine for him. I turned to see Quatre standing on the porch. His eyes dulled with tears as he came down the stairs. In a friendly gesture he reached his arms out for me. My angel's voice entered my mind.
"I will always be watching you, waiting for the day you can return to me, Akira, my love."
Weak, tired, and emotionally worn out, I fell in to Quatre's arms, closing my eyes and allowing my self to weep openly. He brushed back my wet hair and spoke to me.
"You're not alone, Akira. We're here, just like I said before."
"I know. But I miss him so much."
"We all do, Akira. We all do."
I was true then, as it is now.
I can't let go.