The Story of Captain Falcon

Captain Falcon. Many know him as the race car driver who is also a part time bounty hunter and Smasher. It's more than one... You want to know how it all started? Well, let me tell you the story...

In 2973 AD, in Port Town, a child was born from Mary Falcon and Captain Douglas Lemming Jay Falcon Sr. named Bart Lemming. While growing up, he seemed to admire the vehicle his father raced with in the Grand Prix, the Blue Falcon. Unfortunately, Bart wasn't really anything special. He was always picked on in school when he was growing up, and he was always seen as the dork of the class. Every day, he went home saddened by being picked on almost every day, especially by the class bully, Black Shadow.

Now Lemming turns 13, and is officially eligible for a license to drive. As this was his dream from childhood, he was very pleased. He tried out the Blue Falcon, and he was overwhelmed by the speed. However, he always kept it in check and practiced driving it three times a week. He then came to school in his new ride, and he is made fun of even more by the new bully in school, Goroh. Goroh was trained by samurais, and knew how to fight with swords. He also however, had a race car called the Fire Stingray that his father owned. Being slightly older than Lemming with more experience driving, he challenged him confidently to a drag race in Mute City, which Bart Lemming won.

Being heavily angered by his win, Goroh proceeded to beat him up instantly after. When coming home, Bart while being in pain from the beating, was happy that he won the race. But he needed to be stronger both physically and mentally. So at 17 years old, he signed up for the Smash Bros. Tryouts.

There really didn't seem to be a chance. There were many well known Nintendo greats trying out, such as Mario, Donkey Kong, Link, Yoshi, Samus, Pikachu, Bowser, King Dedede, Mewtwo... It just didn't seem like he would make it as he was just a normal racer with no moveset potential at all. Hope would ensue however, when the game's director Masahiro Sakurai pointed out that he has made a moveset for him considering the "Falcon" family name. He did however state that Bart Lemming was not exactly a great name to be famous with, so he recommended that he should take his father's name, Captain Douglas Jay Falcon.

With his new moveset and name, Falcon felt great. It was his first opportunity to make something out of himself. But little did anyone know, that there was a huge upset in the balance generator the next day. Sakurai accidentally completely maxed Falcon's power by accident. When this occurred, Falcon's entire being changed completely. Gone was the light human voice of the Falcon descendant. Born was a famous compelling voice that urged the other guy to show him their moves! Various muscles were shown visible, a helmet was formed upon his head, and his agility increased infinite fold. He also automatically turned 37 years old. Only problem was, that the change had completely eradicated his clothing, so he was naked. The sheer sight of this completely melted the rest of the tryouts. Only Ness, Luigi, and Jigglypuff somehow survived to make it to the game as secret characters, and Zelda/Peach immediately climaxed. He then formed tight spandex clothing to wear, right before his first match against Donkey Kong began.

The camera showed Captain Falcon many miles above the stage, falling at a rapid speed, while playing a flaming guitar with his teeth. He got bored, so he threw the guitar at a nearby mountain, causing the mountain to explode. Only instead of debris, pornography came flying out of the explosion, which Captain Falcon looked at while eating raw meat, drinking beer, and flexing his biceps.

He got bored with the pornography, so he destroys it all with his chest hair, which he could now grow at will. He finished his raw meat and beer, so he ate the beer glass, like a real man. He still had quite a long way to go before he crashed into the stage, so he starts striking manly poses, while shooting bullets out of his iron nipples. These bullets exploded upon impact with the ground, launching a flaming truck into the air, straight towards Captain Falcon, who sliced it in half before it can reach him with the force created by him flexing his pecks.

As he passed the gas tank, which became detached, he falcon punched it causing it to explode with the force of a nuclear warhead. This propelled Captain Falcon towards the stage at an incredible speed.

Captain Falcon crashed into the stage with a pelvic thrust, done at near the speed of light. He climbed out of the crater he created, and flexed every muscle in his body at the same time. The incredible force created by this killed everyone within a 500 mile radius, and every female in the universe climaxed. DK lost immediately, and Falcon won. To prevent being overpowered in every match, Sakurai gave him 1 million times the dose of elephant tranquilizer, to prevent too many injuries. Too bad it wasn't enough. There was a huge weakness in the tranquilizer that completely neutralized it when two Falcon Punches collided.

Now being the most powerful being in the universe, he went back in time and challenged Goroh to a fight, in which he completely decimated Goroh and everyone else that bullied him when he was younger. Black Shadow however, lived. He challenged him to the F Zero Grand Prix which was coming up. Captain Falcon then met up with his old rival named Rick Wheeler. The great Captain respected this individual, and trusted him with many aspects and racing tips.

As the races ended, the rankings showed it was Captain Falcon first, and Black Shadow second (Along with the other 28 racers that nobody really cares about).Angered by his placing, Black Shadow literally used a bomb and blew up the entire track with every racer on it. He then proceeded to attack Captain Falcon, saying: I have had enough of you; die! Falcon then prepared to FUCKING JUMP OUT OF HIS CAR, and truly bring all the power out of his Falcon Punch, being so powerful that it destroyed both Black Shadow and killed Captain Falcon himself. It also created a huge rift in the universe that ignited a huge explosion, and was the most epic moment in history. If you want to see this particular part in action, watch this.

The Captain beforehand, knew what was coming. Right before the grand prix, he told Rick Wheeler that he wanted him to hold the new title of "Captain Falcon", until death. He left his spare helmet for Wheeler to wear. Rick Wheeler is the Captain Falcon to appear in Super Smash Bros. Melee and Brawl. The Legend of Captain Falcon may shine on…

The End