A/N: This basically is a personal experience that I took and exaggerated on. The gist of it, especially the end, though, is true. Hope you like!
Ab hinc means 'From here on.' You'll see why as you finish reading… it just popped out and clicked.
Disclaimer: I own the situation… not the characters. Of course I am not JKR.
…………………………………….
It was a conversation they'd had several times; each time the answer was the same; excuses, lies, and empty promises. And they'd part ways; until months later, after months of unspoken agreement to avoid each other, the same conversation would happen again.
The halls were empty. They approached each other… and passed silently. Confused and angry, she turned and grabbed his arm. He stopped walking and half-faced her.
"Do you hate me?" she asked.
He turned away. "No." The word was simple and empty.
As it always is.
She averted her eyes, looking down at the ground.
Both knew he was lying.
"Why?" she whispered, this time her voice cracking.
He still wouldn't face her. "I…" he paused and sighed, this time leaving the answer incomplete.
She blinked back tears.
"Why?" she repeated. Her voice sounded weak to her ears. "Why is it so hard for us? It was five years ago, long enough to get over… to forget; will you at least look at me?"
He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't hate you," he said simply. "Not at all," he paused. "And that's my problem."
Something had shattered. This was not his routine, normal response; this was new.
"But… why?" she whispered.
He finally turned to look at her, but she kept her eyes downcast. She didn't want him to see her, but he did.
He saw the hurt, the vulnerability; that's all he could see. What pulled at her heart, pierced through his heart.
He took a step closer, but she held a hand up. "I need an answer," she said softly. "I need to know."
"What do you need to know?" he asked carefully.
"Why you hate me, dammit!" she cried, taking a step backwards. "Why does this exist??"
"Because, if I didn't hate you, I'd have to like you," he said.
She closed her eyes. "And is that so bad?"
He wrung his hands and he, too, looked down to the ground.
"No… that's why I chose hate. It's easier than liking you; compassion is a dangerous territory. With hate, neither of us will get hurt."
"Then what do you call this feeling?"
"You feel hurt?" he asked, surprised.
"Yes… don't you?" her voice trembled.
"I did," he said weakly. "I used to, when I liked you years ago."
"Then what happened? Why all this hate, this nonsense?"
"I though it was stronger, maybe love, but who am I to know? I can't even grasp the concept of love, but I grasp the fact that I can't be hurt over something that never existed."
"Never existed?"
He nodded.
"So all that existed between us… was hate?"
He nodded again, unwilling to trust his voice or his words.
Her mind spun. "You're not even willing to try?" she protested. "To put the past behind us? To start fresh?"
His voice held uncertainty as he spoke, "It's… it's not wroth it."
Her heart tugged and she gasped inwardly.
"Not worth it," he repeated firmly, almost to himself.
She raised her eyes, surprised to see blue eyes staring intently into her own, full of sorrow, full of regret. A tear escaped her big, vulnerable eyes.
He saw her wipe it away and closed his eyes. The image burned in his mind; her doleful expression, the tear; the pain he'd caused her.
She couldn't bear to see him, or to stand here with him any longer. "Bell rings in five minutes," she said, barely audible.
"Yeah, it does," he managed a weak smile and turned, walking away.
"Later," both said. Both meant 'never'.
Neither said the words running through their minds: "I'm sorry" and "I love you."
…………
As her heart ripped in two, she willed it to heal. She willed it to conquer her desires, to hide her emotions. It wasn't worth it, none of it was. The pain and stress greatly outweighed the fleeting rewards, and so it was not worth it.
She decided to bury her heart, close it and seal it off. If she had to live with the pain, the hurt he'd caused her, she might as well conceal it and let it wither away silently.
…………
He knows that years later, she'll still think he hates her.
He lets her think that; it's better than the truth, that they're too different; that they're cowards; that he loves her.
She doesn't need to know, and she doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to hurt her, but he already has. Five years of building hurt, and the present adding on.
He hopes someday she'll forget.
…………
He desperately wanted to forget; he needed to bury it in the past, and he tried to. She planned to avoid him. And with only one hour until graduation, before their life at Hogwarts was over, until they'd never see each other again, a Malfoy and a Weaslette confined to their separate worlds, how difficult could it be?
……….
Ab hinc.
Clarification: what happened 'five years ago' is NOT the chamber thing. its a personal thing they had.