A/N: I suggest that perhaps you listen to the wonderful cover of this Smashing Pumpkins song, by The Civil Wars. It's the inspiration for this piece. The song is called Disarm, and I honestly hope I did this justice.
'Disarm me with a smile
And cut you like you want me to
Cut that little child
Inside of me and such a part of you
Ooh, the years burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
Disarm you with a smile
And leave you like they left me here
To wither in denial
The bitterness of one who's left alone
Ooh, the years burn
Ooh, the years burn, burn, burn
I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my voice
What's a boy supposed to do?
The killer in me is the killer in you
My love
I send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you
The killer in me is the killer in you
Send this smile over to you'
It's just something she's gotten used to.
Between her sister and she, they both grew up very quickly, and shared something they never wanted to share.
Russell Fabray is a respected pillar of society.
Russell Fabray is an exceptional father.
Russell Fabray takes care of his family.
…Russell Fabray is a monster.
Their mother wasn't aware of the extent of his vicious claws, and snarling snout. Didn't know about any of it because contrary to popular belief, she was the main breadwinner of this family. Something Russell made sure never got out.
Quinn hated that Franny got out. Hated how she just abandoned her, effectively feeding her to the lions. Lion. Singular.
The blonde was four, nearing five, when her father first struck her, with the absolute intention of actually hurting her. And she was so shocked she couldn't speak for the rest of the day. Her sister had cried then, she was nine, and had hoped he'd stay away from her.
Quinn quickly learned to Smile. Upper case S.
Because it wasn't a real smile. Not in the slightest.
That wasn't always enough. Trying to disarm the situation by smiling through the abuse, the shouting, the yelling. Sometimes he'd plow on, hell bent on once again making sure she knew her place.
Quinn keeps at it. And she hides it well. All throughout elementary school, she made sure she was meticulous about hiding any sign that might give the teachers a warning. Knowing, even at her young age, that her father would be told and that it would mean far worse things for her later.
Quinn was unlike other kids her age. She knew it, because sometimes they'd talk about their nightmares during snack time, or lunch, or while they quietly worked on their school work. They would explain their fear of clowns. They would describe massive dark creatures lurking in the shadows waiting for them so they can bite at their feet. They'd talk about spiders and ghosts and ghouls and creatures all in their imagination, and Quinn would sit there, internally tearing up, as she wishes she had such monsters to have to deal with.
Because Quinn knew, she absolutely, irrevocably knew, that their monsters couldn't actually touch them.
They never would feel the sting of their monsters.
Wouldn't smell their monster's breath on their faces, as the monsters yelled, and screamed and pushed and shoved and squeezed and beat.
Quinn's monster was real. Quinn's monster didn't just show up at night when she's supposed to be sleeping. Her monster was constantly around. Always watching, just waiting for a slip up.
She lived in constant anxiety, knowing that her monster can decide to attack at any moment.
So she Smiles more.
Hoping, praying, that it can stop things from escalating. Hoping her monster will reconsider, seeing as she's being complacent and willing.
It takes her by surprise when, out of everyone she's met, it's her elementary school friends, Santana and Brittany, who figure things out about her home-life on their own half way through their first year in middle school.
Santana is affectionate, and soft when she speaks to Quinn. And it's how she's always known her to be when it's just the three of them.
And Brittany is there once Quinn finally nods and confesses to them that they are right. Holding the shorter blonde so gently, so protectively, that Quinn can't help but cry because God did she need this.
She tells them, everything, because they deserve to know. They deserve to know because they paid attention enough to notice.
And afterwards Quinn shrugs as she wipes her tears away and gives them the Smile. And she thinks she's got them fooled for a second. But they shake their heads because that's what made them first realize she wasn't okay. And that sends Quinn into tears again.
Santana makes her promise to call her, no matter what time it is, if she ever needs anything. And she stares at the blonde, completely serious as she waits for her to acknowledge what she's just said.
And Quinn thinks it over, again and again, never before needing to lean on someone else for anything. She looks right back at Santana as she continues rolling the thought around before she nods her head once, and then accepts the hug being offered to her.
Going though middle school isn't as bad after that. Knowing that there are two people who have her back no matter what…it makes her feel some form of comfort outside of the hell she goes through at home.
Someone else though decides to approach her. Someone who she's only ever seen from afar and never really had a chance to really get to know.
Rachel Berry.
Quinn knows of her. She knows she's bright, that she's got a beautiful voice, and that she's very pretty and seems genuinely happy.
And that kills Quinn.
Her first instinctive reaction to her is wanting to just give her a large hug and tell her she's glad she's not going through hell like she is.
But it is always, always followed with the violent thought of wanting her to feel what she feels, if at least once, so that maybe she wouldn't be so obviously happy and content.
So it surprises Quinn when the tiny brunette strikes up a friendship with her.
She's resistant at first.
She has to be, because her father made it very clear he hates both Berry men. He hates that they brought their 'filth' to this town, even though technically, the Berry family has lived in Lima for generations longer than Russell's own.
She's hesitant at first, but Rachel is careful and thoughtful and so easy to talk to that Quinn finds that they're actually friends without her even really knowing.
And she's happy. Happy with her little circle of close friends, adoring them with every inch of her heart because they're something her monster can't touch.
Or so she thought.
The day Russell finds out, nearly at the end of middle school, that she's been making friends with Rachel, she ends up needing to take a couple of days off from school to recover from the backlash.
Her mother believes her father when he tells her she's come down with a terrible cold, and doesn't think anything of it, and a large part of Quinn hates her mother for not noticing anything. For not questioning her husband.
She cries. Quietly to not draw his attention back to her again. But she sobs, and she can't stop the tears even if she wants to. She hurts everywhere and she can't even find the will or strength to think about calling her Santana to climb into her room to be with her.
She spends the rest of the week in the same way, wrapped up and closed off, her thoughts dark and dreary. Her eyes bloodshot from lack of sleep and crying.
Her legs are the color of a nebula, vast and expanding across and around her thighs, and up her back she's sure.
She somehow finds the will to get dressed for school on Sunday and Santana immediately knows because she's cursing like a sailor in English and Spanish and even some Dutch and Quinn knows she must look like hell for her to have known so quickly.
Quinn avoids Rachel like the plague, and when she can't she makes sure she insults her to ensure she stays away.
Because the corporeal monster in her life made it very clear that he will not stop at her if she continues her friendship with Rachel. It will go after her and then go after Rachel before coming back to her once more.
And she's weak. She knows she's weak for letting him do this, but she can't stand up to him, not now when she's still so little.
What's a girl supposed to do?
So she becomes her own monster.
She evolves into the one thing she despises and starts to haunt Rachel.
Quinn keeps her walls up sky high after that. Refuses, absolutely and completely refuses to let anyone in close, because if her father finds out about Santana and Brittany, she's sure it will kill her.
She becomes a killer.
And it worked. It kept them safe. It kept her girls safe, even though they were all confused and hurt and everything in between. But, they weren't hurt not like Russell can hurt them, and that's what matters. As long as they stay away from her, they'll be fine.
Quinn accepts this as her fate, she accepts that she's to become a monster, just like he wants her to be.
Except…
Except she isn't a monster, because she refuses to really become her father.
And when her mother finally realizes what's been happening right under her nose…her monster, her very real, very alive monster, is no longer a part of their life.
And she feels like she can finally breathe.
High school is no longer all an act.
Her mother breaks down and apologizes and they both work on restoring their lives, together and separately.
Quinn no longer fears monsters, even though she knows there are some monsters that don't just go bump in the night still out there.
Rachel.
Rachel is the first person she approaches the summer after everything seems to set itself right in her house, still refusing to call it home so soon.
She approaches her not with her Smile, but with her eyes first. Open and honest, and pleading for her to give her a chance to open up to her properly, like she deserves.
And Rachel allows it, because she isn't stupid and she knows Quinn needs this.
They go to Rachel's home after school to really be able to sit down and talk.
And Quinn tells her.
She feels like she speaks more than she's ever really spoken in her entire life. And Rachel lets her. She's attentive and perfect as she remains quiet to allow Quinn her own pace.
"I used to think really violent thoughts…Thought about him. And I'd want to rip off his arms, and just hurt him, the same way he's hurt me. And then I'd think how that wouldn't solve anything because that'd make me just as bad as-as him. And I never wanted that. I never wanted to become him. To become a monster just like him…but I did. Not towards him, but towards you, and San…I couldn't bear to have you near me after what he did to me and told me he'd do to you if…
I'm so sorry for the way I've treated you Rachel. I want to apologize for every mean thing I've ever said to you, or have done to you. I suspect it's numerous and I promise I will do everything I can to make sure I've apologized for everything."
Rachel doesn't say anything, rather she chooses instead to gently reach out for Quinn, pausing just before she touches her, seemingly asking her if it's okay. Quinn barely nods at her but Rachel sees and she draws herself closer as she wraps her arms around the blonde and hugs her tightly to her tiny body.
The brunette doesn't say much, but Quinn kinda understands because she gets that way too. And honestly she's spoken quite a bit already.
What she does say is, "I don't think I've ever been prouder of someone in my whole life."
It's during the weekend a couple of weeks later, during a sleepover with her girls, that she tells them all about her parents' divorce.
She tells them also about the case her mother has raised against him for the abuse he's put her and her sister through.
She also tells them that he has pled no contest and that he'll be going to prison for a very long time.
She isn't surprised that Santana tears up as she's the first to recover, quickly rolling off of the couch to wrap her arms tightly and protectively around her body. She whispers reassurances and love in her ear as she holds her tight, Quinn holding on just as tightly, if not more so.
Brittany swoops in quickly and actually lifts her off the ground in the hug she gives her, allowing her feet to dangle in the air as the taller blonde presses kisses around her face and in her hair, not really wanting to say much but showing her an enormous amount.
Rachel sidles up to her and clasps her hand in hers and presses a quick kiss to her right cheek and whispers that the evils in this world, though many, can be brought down. She then wraps her arms around her waist and hugs her adoringly, allowing Quinn the opportunity to rest her cheek against the top of her head as they stay that way for some time.
"I used to be a little boy, So old in my shoes, And what I choose is my voice, What's a boy supposed to do?" she sings softly then, because truly, she still feels like she doesn't know what else she's meant to do, not really, even after all this time.
And the reply to her is more kisses from Rachel, and from Brittany who's flanking her on the other side, as Santana wraps her arms around them from behind.
And Quinn weeps.
She weeps because she can finally, finally, sleep without her waking nightmare to haunt her.