Night 1: I Called First Dibs

James was going to kill him.

Remus paced around the dormitory, resisting the urge to hit something. Or to hit himself with something.

He was going to be forcibly castrated.

James and Sirius would be back from Quidditch practice soon. They knew hundreds of secret passages all over the castle. They could hide his body where no one would ever find it. Then no one would ever miss him. No one would cry for him.

It was all James' fault for making her cry.

"I hate him – I can't bloody stand him!" Lily was already venting, and they'd barely left the Common Room.

He could still see the Fat Lady. There had been about five seconds of nice, quiet prefect patrol before tonight's edition of Why I hate James Potter had begun. With its reluctant audience of one.

In all honesty, he would just have started asking her questions about the Transfiguration homework that was due in tomorrow.

Maybe I should get some hobbies.

At least Lily talking gave him an excuse to look at her.

Is Lily-looking a hobby?

He was rather good at Lily-looking. The trick was to do it when James was around. James would be too busy looking at Lily to see him Lily-looking, and Lily would be too busy reacting to whatever James had done or said to notice him.

The trouble was Sirius. Sirius was often Remus-looking when he was Lily-looking. Sirius would give him suspicious glares when he caught him. And he didn't think Sirius believed him when he said the reason he had to stare at Lily for so long every in transfiguration lesson was because he was trying Legilimency on her. To find out how to get her to like James, of course.

"—how anyone can be such a tosspot, I don't –"

Tosspot. Tosspotter.

Maybe he'd leave that one to Severus.

Lily took a breath and smiled at the amused look he gave her. Something fluttered in his chest.

Repress and suppress it.

Peter had said something similar when he'd tried going on a diet. But it hadn't stopped him sneaking back from the Kitchens with armfuls of Chocolate Éclairs at night, moaning about how tasty they were when they'd caught him.

The problem was, Lily Evans also looked pretty tasty. Even werewolf-Remus agreed. And Remus very rarely agreed with werewolf-Remus. They didn't get on very well.

Then again, werewolf-Remus thought all humans looked pretty tasty.

Remus wondered how long his Lily-diet would last. He looked at her. She was still talking about James. James was the whole reason for the Lily-diet.

She's off-limits. So off-limits. More off-limits than the Forbidden Forest would be if it started growing on the third floor corridor.

He opened a broom cupboard and peered inside. Empty.

He wondered why he had to spend his evenings with Lily Evans pulling snogging students out of broom cupboards, and never actually got to go into one with her.

Dangerous territory.

They walked down another corridor.

"Hamish—

Hamish Dapperly. Seventh Year Ravenclaw. Tall, clever, good-looking bloke with perfect hair. Good at: Chess, Ancient Runes and kissing Lily Evans. Lily Evans' boyfriend. Bane of James Potter's existence. Marauder Prank Hit List: only a few spots below Severus Snape.

—broke up with me this morning", Lily said in a small voice, which was so different from her usual tone that Remus turned to look at her. There were tears shining in her eyes.

Those lovely eyes. All green and lovely and deep enough to swim in. And watery.

Lily was about to cry.

Ah.

He was no good with the girls that didn't cry. He didn't think he'd be any better with the girls that did.

What about the advice Sirius had on the crying girls?

Somehow he didn't think asking Lily if they could go up to his dormitory just one more time would help matters.

"Oh – did he say why?" he asked, pretty sure this conversation was a bad idea, but he didn't really have any other options. Other than patting Lily on the back, and saying 'there, there' consolingly. And that was a terrible idea.

"No—", Lily sniffled, and Remus prayed she wouldn't cry. Otherwise there would definitely be back-patting. "He did it just after Potions. He said it had nothing to do with the pranks, that it was because he wanted to focus on his NEWTs instead, and he didn't have time for me anymore."

Lily gave a sad little smile and blinked back tears as she looked up at Remus. He wished he had the nerve to comfort her.

Off-limits.

"Ever since James started filling his satchel with Bubotuber Pus, he's been acting distant."

That was actually my idea. Why do James and Sirius always get all the credit?

She wiped her eyes and laughed bitterly. Remus suddenly wished the Bubotuber Pus hadn't been his idea.

"And then Sirius turned his tie into a Moray Eel, and you know he's allergic to seafood—"

Yeah. James told me that last night.

He wisely kept quiet.

"—so he spent the entire afternoon in the Hospital Wing."

Why had they done that prank? It was something James told them Hamish had said about the Gryffindor Quidditch Team. Something about having less backbone than a flobberworm and needing new chasers like Severus needs hair conditioner - come to think of it, that was exactly the sort of insult that James would come up with…

"Does Hamish even play Quidditch?"

Lily gave him a strange look. "No", she said miserably. "He didn't even watch the last Ravenclaw match."

Aha.

Peter was watching Remus pace around the dormitory with a worried look on his face. Nervous people tended to make Peter nervous.

It was all Peter's fault, really.

Why did Peter have to go out and get a girlfriend?

How did Peter even go about getting a girlfriend?

Chloe Tindsley. Fifth Year Hufflepuff. Short, quiet girl. Plain-looking, but has a nice smile. Good at: being Peter's girlfriend, making Peter stutter, being a constant source of amusement to James and Sirius. Marauder Prank Hit List: absent

Remus fell onto his bed and lay there, groaning to himself.

They came to the painting of Emperor Clawgustus, a hippogriff famous in centuries past. He was currently locked in deadly combat with three thestrals.

Lily sat down on the bench under the painting.

This is turning into a sitting conversation. Sitting conversations are never good.

He would have preferred battling thestrals.

"Is it because of James, that boys dump me? Or is it something else?"

Nah, it's definitely something else. It's those lovely freckles. It's the way you bite your lip in Potions when your potion doesn't turn out exactly like it should. Even though it almost always does. It's because you're so easy to talk to. It's that adorable lopsided smile you sometimes make when we're doing Ancient Runes homework together. It's because you're–

Off-limits.

"I dunno, I've never dated you", Remus said, far too quickly, and laughed nervously.

Then he wished he could punch himself in the face.

Idiot.

He found that if he didn't look at Lily, it was easier to think what to say. He still had to listen to the sniffling, though. Something twisted uncomfortably in his stomach. It felt a lot like guilt.

James has gone too far this time. We all went too far.

If he was being honest, the only reason he'd gone along with all the pranking was because the thought of Lily and Hamish together filled him with a bitter feeling he tried not to think too hard about.

"I saw them making fun of you at lunch, you know. I don't know why you put up with it."

Great.

Now Peter had somehow managed to snag himself a girlfriend, James and Sirius had started teasing him mercilessly about his luck – or lack of it – with the ladies. And because he couldn't announce that werewolves weren't exactly hot property to the whole of the Gryffindor Table, he'd had to keep quiet.

"Yeah – well, that was light-hearted."

I think.

"Why do you hang out with them?"

"Well, they're my friends."

"Really?"

Lily was watching him with something that looked like pity.

He hoped it wasn't pity. She continued.

"It's not like they're nice to you or anything; all they do is play pranks on you and talk you into keeping them out of detention by abusing your prefect privileges."

They've done more for me than you'll ever know. Than you could ever imagine.

"What's it to you?" he shot back, starting to get annoyed.

"Because you're my friend too, Remus, and I don't see what you see in James – or what he's done that so great that you're fine when he mocks you."

He accepted me. And convinced Sirius to do the same. He spent almost every night last year practicing to become an Animagus, just so I wouldn't have to go through full moons alone. He saved me from Azkaban. And he stopped me from killing Severus – your dear Severus.

"Lily, just stop it."

He didn't want to have this argument again. Unfortunately Lily didn't take the hint.

"No Remus, I won't stop it, the way he treats you, it's worse than what he does to me, because he's – because you're meant to be friends and he just—"

Enough.

"It's got nothing to do with you!" he cried, infuriated.

"It does, Remus, because I care – I care about you." She stumbled for a moment, and then continued angrily. "—and I've seen the way you and Peter look at him, like he's some sort of hero or something, it's pathetic, bloody James Potter, and you all–"

"Just leave it – just fucking leave it, alright!" he yelled. "All you do is moan and bitch and whine about James – when you don't know the first thing about the things he does, the sacrifices he makes, how he nearly died for Sev—you don't know a fucking thing about any of it!"

Lily was shocked into silence.

Remus stormed off down the corridor.

He'd nearly made it to the staircase at the far end when sounds – pitiful, gulping sounds – started coming from the bench.

She was crying.

I've said too much. I can't go back now.

He came to an uncomfortable realisation.

Those tears are my fault.

The guilt resurfaced. His anger had all gone by now.

She was in tears about Hamish five minutes ago. And I shouted at her.

All Lily had really wanted to do was get him to stand up to his friends.

He walked back to the bench.

Lily wouldn't look at him. Her head was bowed, and she dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her jumper.

"Don't cry", he muttered, feeling thoroughly uncomfortable.

Please don't cry.

He wished Lily would shout at him, scream at him; do anything to call him out for being a bad friend. But she just sat there and cried. He didn't think he'd ever felt so small in his life.

"Lily – please –" he tried again, but all he got in reply were tears.

He sat down awkwardly on the bench next to her, and after a few seconds of sniffling, gave in and put a hand on her back.

There, there.

But he never got round to much back-patting. Lily scooted under his arm and went straight in for a hug. Which was a nice surprise. Although now she was crying on him.

"You probably hate me too now. You and Hamish both."

"Of course I don't hate you", he told the top of her head. Even if his jumper was being used as a tissue. "It's just that there are things about James you don't – and won't ever know. Even if he acts daft around you, he's still the best person I know."

I'm sorry I shouted at you.

"I just don't get why he does it then. Why he has to ruin everything relationship I'm in."

I wonder why…

"I'd think that would be obvious", he said with a chuckle.

Lily gave him a teary glare.

He decided to keep quiet. A silence followed. It was punctuated by sniffling.

What would James think if he saw me now?

Careful Moony, you might get lucky at last.

He wouldn't even consider me a threat.

"Do you like me Remus?"

Do bees like to bumble?

Lily gave him a long look.

"Of course I like you, Lily", he said in his super-platonic best friend voice.

Remus wasn't really sure what other voices he had. Apart from his super-seductive boyfriend voice. Maybe he'd use that one later.

Or never.

There was a damp patch on his jumper.

"You know what I mean, Remus", she said, her voice hard.

"Lily… come on…"

Please be joking. Say 'hypothetically'. Say it. Please Lily.

"Remus."

He could feel the tickle of her eyelashes on his neck. She shifted slightly, turning her face up towards him, and Remus tried very hard to ignore the fact that Lily Evans was practically sitting in his lap. A pair of green eyes, hurt and vulnerable, looked into his.

Ah. So you were being completely serious.

"Would it matter if I did?" he said at length, surprised at the bitterness in his voice.

"Yes." Lily said simply.

Oh.

Remus didn't have anything to say to that. So Lily tried again.

"If it wasn't for James, would you – you know – would you?"

Would I what? Help you with your homework? Hold you? Kiss you? Love you? Bed you? Wed you? Make you Lily Lupin? Everyone knows it sounds much better than Lily Potter – it's alliterative and everything –

Those eyes kept looking into his, searching, asking him questions he couldn't answer. He couldn't keep looking at her, because it was only a matter of time before he gave in and did something unforgiveable.

So he pretended to be interested in the floorboards.

"Remus?"

Maybe it was his turn to take a hint.

"What?"

He wished Lily would stop with the questions.

"Look at me", she said quietly.

So he looked at her. And her eyes were filled with tears and wishes he could never answer.

Something in him broke. Lily saw it, and leant upwards a little. He could feel her breath on his chin.

Remus closed his eyes. And titled his head. Just slightly.

They'd be back from practice any minute now. Then he'd be toast.

He wondered if Lily liked toast. He wondered what Lily-flavoured toast would taste like.

Delicious.

Maybe he could run away. But where could he go that wouldn't look suspicious? It wasn't like he could pull a Clawgustus and run off to battle thestrals.

Oh, to be a hippogriff.

"Out." Lily said sternly.

Two very embarrassed Hufflepuffs scurried past Remus. He grinned at them. Then his arm was nearly yanked out of its socket as Lily pulled him into the broom cupboard.

"Close the door", she whispered.

I thought we got rid of the Hufflepuffs?

A blush darkened Lily's cheeks.

Oh.

He closed the door. Everything went dark. Which was nice.

Remus stared at the dormitory ceiling.

Maybe there was a way out of this.

Maybe he could turn himself into a flobberworm, and flobber about without a care in the world for the rest of his flobber days.

But flobberworms only have a lifespan of two days.

Still, it was longer than his current life expectancy.

Maybe he could get a scholarship to the Romanian Quidditch Leagues, marry a quiet but sweet witch named Natalya, have three kids, called Dmitri, Ivan and Alexei, live in a wooden bungalow deep in a Romanian forest, and tend to his vegetable patch in the back garden three afternoons a week. He could play reserve chaser for the Bratislava Bullets. He could drink borscht six days a week and learn to hate the West. Hopefully this whole Cold War nonsense would blow over. He could do that—

Maybe he could be resorted.

He stood up, resolving to go straight to Dumbledore's office. The Sorting Hat could probably use the attention, considering it sat on a shelf for three hundred and sixty-four days a year.

Except what he'd just done had been neither clever, cunning, and most definitely not loyal. He probably couldn't even get into Hufflepuff.

He went back to his bed and lay there, groaning to himself.

Remus nibbled gently on Lily's neck and got a moan of agreement in response.

You call that biting? All that sweet, succulent flesh—

Remus ignored werewolf-Remus. Werewolf-Remus had a thing for biting necks.

And werewolf-Remus was also a sore loser.

Neck-nibbling: Remus 1 Werewolf-Remus 0

Ha! In your werewolf face!

Then Remus wondered why he was arguing with werewolf-Remus when there much more enjoyable thing he could be doing. Things like Lily.

Steady on there, Romeo.

He settled for kissing. And maybe his hands wandered a little.

He looked at his pillow.

Maybe he could charm it to smother him. It would probably be a lot less painful than whatever James had planned.

What kind of Tosspotter defends their friend and then betrays him immediately afterwards?

Maybe he could polyjuice himself into Lily, because James could never be mad at Lily. And then he just had to make out with James a few times to take his mind off betrayal. And then years down the line, when James and Remus-Lily were happily married, he'd just—

Maybe he should stop coming up with ideas.

Lily's roommate, Olivia Gobson had probably told half the castle by now.

Maybe he could get Sirius to seduce her in exchange for silence—

Would Sirius seduce a girl if he wasn't given a reason?

Of course he would.

The door opened. This was it.

Frank Longbottom walked in.

Sweet merciful Merlin, thank you.

"Hey Remus."

"Hey."

He lay back down on his bed. Frank continued.

"Things are going really well with Alice. We went to the Lake tonight – she told me she—"

"Not now. Frank." Remus groaned, burying his face in his pillow.

"Oh. Sorry."

And now he was being mean to Frank. Good-natured Frank, who'd never hurt so much as a Flobberworm.

What was it with flobberworms tonight?

Frank's went back down to Common Room, mumbling something to himself.

The quaffle-sized lump of guilt lodged in his stomach grew slightly. He wished he could disappear.

Maybe he could steal James' invisibility cloak. And live underneath it forever and forever.

But could he steal the cloak and Lily? Those were like James' two favourite things ever.

"I don't belong to James Fucking Potter!"

Maybe he shouldn't think of Lily as James' thing. Although James did have a pretty cool middle name. It was better than Archibald, at any rate.

"Aren't we supposed to stop this sort of thing happening in broom cupboards?" he asked once he got his breath back.

"Probably", Lily said, and even though he couldn't see her, he could hear she was smiling. "But I won't tell if you don't."

I'm rather good at secret-keeping. Just ask werewolf-Remus.

He'd never caught anyone talking in a broom cupboard. They were doing other things. Things he should probably get back to doing.

He leaned forward into the darkness.

Lily made a noise of surprise. Then she made a noise of approval. Then his lips found hers, and he didn't have to think about anything anymore.

He picked up a textbook at random, flicked through a few pages, and tossed it back on the floor.

Maybe he should confront Lily. That would be fun.

Lily dearest, love of my life, light of my days, you know that conversation we had last night? Yeah, that one – the one that ended in some lovely but misguided kissing about those jerks that dump you because they're frightened of James Potter. Well, I'm dumping you 'cause I'm frightened of James Potter.

Maybe—

Maybe she'd dump him! Maybe he was just a rebound from Hamish, an accident.

Remus wasn't quite sure how he felt about being someone's rebound.

If Lily dumped him it would be perfect.

Except the thought of Lily dumping him left him with a feeling that was a long way from what perfect should feel like.

What did perfect feel like?

Lily's lips.

Remus groaned inwardly. At this rate James wasn't just going to kill him. He'd be fed to the Giant Squid.

In the end they managed to stop kissing for just long enough to get out of the broom cupboard.

"I think we should get back on patrol", he said, smiling as Lily straightened her jumper out.

She took his hand into hers and interlinked their fingers. His stomach did a flip.

"You know", she said, looking up at him, "Next time James and Sirius starting teasing you, I think you've got a pretty good story to tell them."

His brain clicked into gear.

James and Sirius.

Oh shit.

The Map was poking out of James' trunk. He hopped off his bed and went over to pick it up.

"I solemnly swear I am up to no good."

His own dot was standing in the sixth year boys' dormitory. He didn't have to look far to find James and Sirius. They were coming up the staircase to the Fat Lady.

"Mischief managed".

Friendship damaged.

Several broom cupboard ambushes later, they were back at the Fat Lady.

"I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then", Lily said, giving him a coy smile that hinted at a number of things.

He nodded and got a quick kiss on the cheek before she hurried through the Portrait Hole.

He didn't go in for a while. There was an emptiness in his chest where Lily had been.

He could fill it with guilt.

James and Sirius walked in.

So this was it. He'd not had a bad run. He'd had seventeen good years, he'd found the three best friends anyone could ask for – although that number would very shortly be reduced to zero – and he'd kissed a girl. Although if he stayed alive another day or two, he might be able to do things that went further than kissing…

Not now.

"Hey." James said.

"Hey." Remus said.

"Hey." Sirius said.

"Hey." Remus said.

"Did McNair put that Parroting Curse on you again, Remus?"

Did McNair put that Parroting Curse on you again, Remus?

"No."

James didn't have his wand out. He was going to be bludgeoned to death by a Comet 180.

Goodnight, sweet prince.

"How was patrol?" James asked.

Remus gulped.

Pretty standard. Wandering down empty corridors, weeding fourth years out of broom cupboards, and snogging Lily Evans senseless. What was that last one? Something about broom cupboards? No, the one after that…although, now you mention broom cupboards…

"Oh, you know—", he said slowly, relieved to hear his voice didn't betray him.

A voice can't, but a friend can.

"—pretty boring—"

If it had been any less boring he would have passed out.

"—you didn't k— miss much. Miss much."

James and Sirius were watching him curiously. It would be less suspicious if he didn't look like he was about to have a heart attack. Even if he was.

There was a short silence.

Perhaps they didn't know after all. Perhaps Olivia Gobson had died in a tragic potion-making accident.

Oh happy day!

But if he kept quiet any longer, they'd know something was up.

Say something! Say anything!

But all Remus could think about were soft lips and teasing fingers, and hair that smelt of flowers he couldn't name.

Not broom cupboards. Broomsticks.

"How was Quidditch practice?" he managed, starting to think that James and Sirius really didn't know.

"Wet", Sirius said with a wry smile. "And windy. You alright Moony?" he asked.

Uh-oh.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just not feeling great – I think it's the moon."

If the moon could stop you breathing with a smile.

Sirius frowned. "Isn't it the new moon tomorrow? Dammit – Prongs!"

Remus was saved from further questioning, as James snuck round behind Sirius and made a run for the bathroom with a cry of 'first shower!'. Sirius caught James by the ankle and tackled him to the ground, at which point James kicked out in an effort to free himself, but Sirius held on and managed to climb over him, dashing into the bathroom with a cry of victory.

A defeated James was left lying on the floor.

"I called first dibs", he said between breaths, looking up at Remus with a sour expression.

I know you did Prongs. I know you did.

Remus went back to his own bed. He wasn't planning on getting much sleep tonight. Sirius was humming a victory tune from the shower.

"Night, Moony", Peter said, closing the curtains on his four-poster bed.

Remus didn't reply, because his brain had just connected the idea of shower with the idea of Lily, and had subsequently stopped working. And that was before the idea of prefect's bathroom was added to the mix.

He punched his pillow and rolled over.

What on earth was he going to do on patrol tomorrow night?