Summary: Malcolm Reynolds was never much for preachers, but when Shepherd Book talks to him about faith, he discovers that his faith is wearing thin in all the wrong places.
Author's Note: Okay. This is my very first Firefly fic after only starting to watch the series 2 weeks ago. Criticism is welcome; it helps me become a better writer. However, do take into consideration that I'm new at writing for this 'verse. Anyhow, I'll get on with the story.
Setting: Some time towards the very end of the TV series, after Mal has slept with Nandie in Heart of Gold.
Pairings: Mal/Book, River/Kaylee and (mentions of) Mal/Inara, Mal/Nandie.
Faith"You're not a religious fellow, are you?" Shepherd Book asked. Mal stood above the cargo bay leaning over a railing and looking down to the floor below. River and Kaylee were chasing each other below, and as Book approached Mal didn't even hear him. Even when he spoke, Mal still didn't respond. "Mal?
"What? Sorry, you say somethin' important?" Mal suddenly jerked around to face Book, who shook his head sadly in response.
"It would do you some good to at least have a little faith in the Bible, or even God." Book suggested.
"Yeah, possibly." Mal replied, not even giving it thought. "But then I'd probably be some old religious nut living on an outer planet preachin' to the poor folk who got nothing to live for; teachin' all 'bout faith and the like."
"That would do more good than bad Mal." Book told him. Mal just shrugged it off.
"Got other things to worry 'bout besides some almighty God what likes to smite folk down."
"Now you know it's not like that Mal, really." Book questioned his theory. "You know better than that."
"Sure I do, but I'd rather not speak of it at this point in time." Mal pointed to his head. "I'm-a doin' some thinkin' right now."
"And what exactly is it that you're thinking about?" Book inquired.
"Life on Serenity. The folk what live here and keep her flying. Just important day-to-day stuff Shepherd, nothing for you to get too worked up over." Shepherd had other ideas about Mal's problems.
"Faith." He said. The one word that stunned Mal. He turned to face Book who was staring back matter-of-factly at him. "I knew it. That's you're problem." He grinned.
"What you think you're doin' sproutin' on 'bout faith to me preacher?" Mal snapped. "This here is my ship and we do not have God conversations without rightful intent. Your intent is wrong here preacher, and I ain't in the mood for Godly talk. You're tryin' to get me to admit personal stuff to you what's none of your beeswax."
"Mal, I'm sorry." Book jumped in quickly. "I never meant any harm, I just thought that it would do you some good to talk about your issues."
"I ain't got no issues Shepherd, now leave me to my own space." Mal turned and left in a huff, but one thing was left on his mind as he hid away in his cabin. Faith. Shepherd Book had mentioned it and the subject had sunk in deep. Mal didn't dare let it show that he knew exactly what Book meant, because he feared that it would make him look weak and a little insecure. In fact, he was insecure about a few things. His faith in his life was wearing a little thin, particularly in some aspects. Mainly, his relationships.
He'd never really been an open guy, not wanting to share too much of himself with anyone else. He'd been afraid at first of what might happen, like the aftermath of a night of passion with someone on his crew. However, that wasn't so high on his concern list. Inara was at the top.
He'd thought of it many a time, but nothing ever happened. Then Inara left and Mal had felt empty ever since.
"Gorram faith…" Mal muttered as he slid shut his cabin and climbed down the ladder. His feet landed heavily with a thud and he began pacing back and forth across the cabin floor. He was thinking, and pacing is what he did when he was thinking. And alone.
He hated being alone. No, wait, he didn't. He liked keeping to himself. He liked not being tied to one person, because he had a fear of letting them down. He liked not having to be so concerned about another individual, although Zoë didn't count. There was no relationship there, even though Mal had threatened Wash with the idea under brutal conditions.
But there was Nandie, Inara's old friend whom Mal and the crew helped out on . And everyone knows how well that relationship turned out. Nandie died the next day leaving Mal to feel like he'd failed her. Inara, the sweet and tactful woman that she was, told Mal it wasn't his fault. It didn't make him feel any better, but it gave him some idea that he didn't look like such a horrible guy on the outside. If Inara didn't see it as his fault that Nandie died then nobody else should. And fair reasoning, he did fight by her side until the end. That was definitely not failing her.
Relationships weren't all Malcolm was losing faith in. He was losing faith in the job, what he did on a daily basis. It was losing all meaning for him as time went on. They weren't so much helping folk anymore, instead just taking things from the Alliance so they couldn't have them. It wasn't doing much good for the folk who needed the supplies they were stealing, because eventually some didn't end up with the goods promised by Mal and his crew. It was a downing feeling to see that you've failed someone, an entire civilisation in need. Mal was losing faith in it all, but he couldn't do anything. He soldiered on, doing the best he could to get by. It was all he could do.
As he lay down on his bed ready to turn in for the night, he stared up into the darkness as he thought. Faith… Having noHHHHHpgeenonobdsbg faith comes at such a high price.
Author's Note: Constructive criticism welcome. As I said at the start. I'm about to start a Firefly story based on a crossover between Firefly/Angel/Buffy. Basically Firefly is set in one galaxy and Buffy/Angel is in another. The two galaxies collide when the Firefly crew discover the Angel/Buffy crew. Send me a PM if anyone is interested in playing a role in writing this.