Riddle Me This, Batman
What do you even hope to do?
(Oh, I'm so gleeful with all my questions for you!)
How can a clown be a prince?
And how can Clayface change his prints?
How can a man made of ice,
Have a wife who looks so nice?
How can a penguin run a bar?
And tell me, how can Bane become so large?
How can a Robin learn to die?
And how can our district attorney become such a terrifying guy?
How did Catwoman steal your heart?
And what did Talia do to lose her part?
What, oh what, can you hope to do,
If you're just a beast dressed up in a man-shaped suit?
Another question... just... just come over here,
Tell me, Batman, what is it you fear?
Not the Scarecrow with his horrible gas,
Or poor Tommy Elliot's double mask.
Not Croc's snapping jaws,
Or little Harley's wicked boss.
Is it the dark... or what you find inside?
Tell me... tell me, Batman, when was the last time you cried?
Was it when you saw, when you knew,
That I, The Riddler! was far too much for you?
When you imagined me, standing just as I am,
High above you, just a puny bat?
So, Batman, riddle me this, (just one more, one more)
And maybe I'll tell you which door.
Which one leads to your lady (the one that you love)
And which one contains horrors you can't conceive of.
How does that mask feel against your skin?
Is it cold and harsh? Does it feel like sin?
Does is burn and torment with every moment?
Is this you trying to find some sort of atonement,
For crimes you committed?
(Oh, sweet little bat, did you used to be wicked?)
Did you do something wrong, long ago?
Something that you can't quite let go,
Or maybe I'm wrong (although I highly doubt),
But I know there's an answer, and I'll find it! Even if I have to beat it out!
Is it a pleasing summer wind,
Something to make you forget that clown's horrible grin?
Is it warm and sweet, like a lover's kiss,
Brushing your cheek, promising eternal bliss?
Does it take you away, from all the pain,
The pain of living in this modern day and age?
So... tell me, Batman. Which one is it?
Which one cause you to lose your wits?
Putting the mask on, or taking it off?
Tell me, does Catwoman know where the real you stops?
Does she understand what it really means to be the Batman?
Does she understand you really are, in the end, just another madman?
Just another Mad Hatter, with his crazy obsessions?
Just another Maxie Zeus, claiming to speak for the heavens?
Tell me, do you have a death wish, Dark Knight?
Coming out here night after night,
It makes one wonder, you know,
Whether it's not just some large, elaborate show.
Whether you're just putting on for the people of Gotham,
People who honestly believe that you're here to help them.
When I'm pretty sure (in reality),
You just want to test your own mortality.
Does Catwoman know?
Should we let her see our little show?
Of course, of course, but I happen to disagree,
I'll just clap my hands, like this see
And look! There she is, all safe and sound,
(Well, safe and sound at least for now),
Tell me, Batman, was that the door you would have picked?
Would your little cat have been safe tonight, or would she have gone straight to the crypt?
Oh! I'm so happy to hear you say that!
Now, now. There's no need for harsh words like that little cat.
You'll have your time to speak, but right now it's my time,
I'm pretty sure (in fact I know) that this isn't a crime,
Speaking's never been outlawed (not any time of late),
Not since... at least 1940 at any rate.
One last, one last riddle, Caped Crusader,
I promise this time, cross my heart and hope to be murdered.
Can you go up to the woman, and whisper in her ear?
Can you tell her it'll be alright as long as you're here?
Can you do something so bold, lie to her face?
Because I tell you, Dark Knight, it's time you learned your place!
You're not the detective that you pretend to be!
Not a master deducer, a scientist, you have to agree,
All the things that you do, are done by your gadgets!
That without your little machines, and your cute little belt, you'd already be in your casket!
Dead as a doornail, without anything left,
No gadgets, no lovers, no villains. You'd! Have! Nothing! Left!
So go on! Lie to the woman!
Go on! Be a perfect little gentleman!
You're just a sad little man, wearing a sad little costume,
Trying desperately, frantically to save her from her preordained doom.
Hurry up, Batman, the clock's ticking down.
You only have so much time before she drowns.
How long can a cat hold its breath?
Do it now, for she's almost to Death!
…
…
No... No! What are you doing!
That's not in the plan, that's not... Argghhh! Minions! Start shooting!
Bring down the bat, don't let him escape!
You haven't won! You're just a big! Dumb! Ape!
You didn't win today! This was all as I expected!
There's something between us! Something connected!
I know so much more than when you arrived!
For instance, now I know how you're going to die!
Do you want to know?
You'll die while performing your greatest show.
You'll fall from the rafters, like every time before.
And just when your feet touch the floor.
One bullet will fly, on just the right path.
Not shot with hatred, or anger, or wrath,
Just one bullet from some nameless goon,
And believe me, Batman. It's coming soon!