This was written in answer to a challenge on a Yahoo Plum board. It took me a while to write it because Steph kept turning into the Steph from Fearless Fourteen and I would get nauseous and have to start a new short. At one point I had something going which explained how Joe's spirit was actually in the monkey from FF, but it was a little too surreal for even me (which says something). I might come back to that one someday in the future, but in the meantime I wrote this thing.

Spoilers for Fearless Fourteen. If the references seem interesting it's probably not canonical to the book.

As always, I own none of the characters and am not making any money off them. However, charitable donations will be accepted for my perseverance in spite of the horror that is Fearless Fourteen.

P.S. Sorry for the novel that is the A/N

Morning Wake Up Call

I could feel something cold and wet pressing itself against my lower back and fumbled to pull myself out of a deep sleep, the only thought on my mind, "That better be the dog's nose." I knew what the alternative was and I wasn't in the mood to humour Morelli with fake moans and sighs of pleasure this early in the morning.

I turned over and cracked an eye open. Yup. Bob. Morelli would live another day.

"Morning, Cupcake," said the man himself. The bastard was entirely too cheerful for this early in the day. Maybe that's what actually getting an orgasm will do to you. Which would explain why I always have to fight to wake up when I stay over at his place.

I grunted and burrowed my head under a pillow in hopes of blotting out the sunshine and nauseating cheerfulness I was being faced with. I never claimed to be a morning person and Morelli was making it especially difficult to pretend otherwise just then.

He yanked the pillow out of my hands and off my head and loudly whispered into my ear, "Happy Mother's Day!"

I sat up so fast that the back of my head clocked him, hard. His hands went to his nose, the blood squirting out through his fingers confirmation of the effectiveness of a headbutt in trying to escape from a nightmare situation. This definitely qualified. Mother's Day? What the hell was he talking about? I pinched my arm, thinking I was still asleep, but the pain argued against that. Not dreaming. Awake. Awake. Fucking awake. I stopped and tried to think, but my heart had started racing so fast I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. My breath was coming in increasingly shallow gasps and I figured I was about two seconds away from hyperventilating. What kind of messed up Twilight Zone world had I woken up in?

"I don't have kids!" My voice was an unattractive squeal that betrayed my horror, but it wasn't the most pressing concern on my mind at the moment.

Morelli's voice wasn't much better. It was a nasal whine that tempted me to hit him again just to get him to shut up. "Dammit, Cupcake, I think you broke my nose."

"Joe, focus here. What the hell are you talking about? I'm not a mother! I don't have to celebrate Mother's Day. At least not for anyone other than my own mom." I knew I was groggy in the mornings, but I didn't think I was groggy enough to forget having had children.

Morelli pulled his hands away from his nose and looked down into them. He blanched a little at the sight of the blood, but didn't pass out as he usually did, and he made his way to the bathroom.

"We have Rex and Bob," he said over the sound of water running into the bathroom sink. "That makes you a mom."

"Actually," I yelled back to him as I got out of bed and scrambled to put on my jeans and shirt from the night before, "I have Rex. You have Bob."

He peeked his head around the corner from the bathroom. The stark white tissues he had rolled up and shoved into his nostrils wasn't a good look for him.

"I don't see the issue here. I thought you'd like the idea of getting to celebrate Mother's Day."

"As soon as Rex decides to make me a picture of a heart using elbow macaroni, I'll think about celebrating it. Until then, it's not happening." I found my bra laying next to the bed and shoved it into my pocket. I was more concerned with getting out of there and away from this conversation than chancing having one of the neighbours seeing me sans-underwear. I have my priorities.

"Stephanie, you have to get used to it. We'll be celebrating it soon with our kids."

I could feel my eyes bug out of my head. "Kids? What kids? Are you pregnant and you never told me, Joe?" I attempted a smile to suggest I was kidding around, but I think the way my eyes were glaring at him gave away the true intent behind my words. "Thinking of adopting a baby from a third world country? I hear it's all the rage right now. You could be a single mom just like Angelina."

He came out of the bathroom and stood in front of me with his fists on his hips, his eyes narrowed, and those damn rolled-up tissues hanging out of his nose. I noticed that the red of the tissues matched his nail polish nicely. "Cupcake, you know damn well that we're going to be having kids of our own soon."

"I can't even consistently remember to feed my hamster once per day, Joe. Where the hell did you get the idea that I'm ready to consider popping out a kid?"

His expression changed from angry to confused. "But you spent all that time with Zook while he was staying here."

"That's because I had no choice. It was either that or let the kid completely destroy your house. Seemed a little insensitive to drop him off and let him do that, even if he is your son ... I mean cousin."

His eyes narrowed slightly. "We got that all settled, right? You know he's just my cousin now?"

I made a moving on gesture with my hand. "Right, your cousin, not your son. We're good. Good thing your cousin Loretta kept track since you didn't. Now explain to me how my buying pizza for a teenager equates to being ready to give birth and clean up diapers and spit."

He plopped down on the edge of his bed, clearly disheartened. "You're sure you're not ready to bear my children?"

I nodded my head so fast I got dizzy. "I'm sure. I'm very sure."

Morelli's shoulders slumped forward over his knees. One of the tissues fell out of his nostril and onto the floor. He just picked it up and shoved it back where it had come from.

"So, out of curiosity, what did you and Bob get me for Mother's Day?"

Morelli looked confused. "Get? I figured you could just take him out for his walk. I brought you a bag for his poop, though." He gave me a grin, winced as it caused his nose to hurt, and then tried to grin again.

I spent a few seconds debating the idea of hitting him in the nose again, but decided my day would be better spent getting back to my apartment than sitting in a jail cell, awaiting a bail hearing for assaulting a police officer.

I picked up my purse and jacket and walked out of his bedroom, his voice trailing me down the stairs as he called out, "Aren't you going to take Bob for his walk? Cupcake? I don't have time for this."