AN./ This has been lying around for a while and I thought it was time I released it! Although there's definitely room for me to continue with it at some point, for the moment I'm choosing not to, and you can definitely read this as a self-contained oneshot (at least for the time being). I hope you enjoy it :) –Bec xx

Realizations

When the realization hit Penelope she wasn't subtle about it.

It was a Friday night and we were all a bit over the week we'd had. Morgan was on the dance floor, surrounded by gorgeous women—"They asked him to dance, he didn't ask them!" Garcia insisted—Hotch and Haley had just got up to "Show them how it's done," Reid was a few tables over playing a nerdy drinking game which I didn't want to admit I could answer every question of, and JJ was halfway across the room playing darts with the usual gaggle of male admirers.

"Admit it, Emily Prentiss. You are a big ole lesbian."

"Excuse me!" I spluttered. "Do you want to rethink the comment you just made about the woman who bought you that beer you're drinking!"

With a protective hand over her drink, Garcia smirked. Apparently I'd reacted just as she expected. "You can try to hide it, princess, but this oracle of all things knowable has sussed you out!"

"And how do you figure that?" I retorted. "Do I not dress girlishly enough for Miss Baubles-In-Her-Hair?"

"You wish my only evidence was a bad stereotype!" Garcia scoffed, leaning forward conspiratorially. "But I've been nursing this suspicion for a while now!"

"We've only known each other for a few months!"

"Oracle of all things knowable, remember?" Garcia titled herself with an eye roll. "Don't you want to know how I know?"

"I didn't say you knew anything," I reminded her. Crossing my arms over my chest, I decided I was going to keep my guard up until I found out how much she really did know.

"I'll take that as a yes," Garcia correctly assumed. "Okay, firstly - you don't dance when we go out."

"A lot of people don't like to dance, Garcia."

"Ah, but you do, princess," the bright-eyed blonde rebuked me. "I've seen you jamming to the radio when we get a cab together and I've seen the way you move around in your seat and keep an eye on the dancefloor when we go out. All of which leads me to believe that you'd like to dance but have yet to be asked by a suitable partner!"

"And you say you don't want to be a profiler," I chuckled. Honestly, after getting over the initial surprise of Garcia's assumption, I realised I'd been putting off coming out to the team for a while now and that it was probably time I remedied that. Still, I wasn't about to give Penelope the satisfaction of an easy victory. "All right, I'll give you that: I like to dance. Why does the fact that I don't want to dance with drunken strangers at a bar mean that I don't want to dance with men at all?"

"If you would be so kind as not to interrupt my flow, O Butch One, I was going to say—"

"Woah, excuse me," I interrupted, waving my hand. "You did not just call me butch."

Garcia cleared her throat. "Excuse me, princess! I'm still talking! ...So, where was I? Secondly, exactly three men have asked you to dance since we got here tonight and you've turned them all down!"

"Not my type," I declared casually. "You can't prove I wouldn't have turned down a woman asking me to dance just as quickly."

"Okay, the first guy may have been a bit of an acquired taste," Garcia allowed. "The second was entirely respectable but turn-downable if you really aren't in the mood. The third guy? Emily, there isn't a straight girl this side of the moon that wouldn't have leapt out of her seat to dance with him! I would've, and I've got that big hunk o' chocolate over there!"

"That's a bit of an exaggeration, Pen," I laughed, but in retrospect I guess it wasn't—if you were into that sort of thing, where "that sort of thing" was, of course, "men in general."

"Uh uh, sweetie pie, you know you're fighting a losing battle here," Garcia crowed. "My third and final piece of evidence is the candle on the cake. Ever since we started this discussion you've been sneaking glances over at JJ, making sure she's out of earshot. Which leads me to believe that not only did those guys have the wrong parts to catch your interest, but they were also significantly less petite, blonde, and blue-eyed than the true object of your fancy. Now tell I'm wrong!"

"You're wrong," I deadpanned, but the bitterness that had crept into my voice made my case unconvincing even to me.

"Really, princess, we're still going with that?" Garcia prodded and I bit back a sigh.

"All right, so maybe my taste in humans runs towards the penisless variety," I acknowledged, rolling my eyes as Garcia began to giggle. "But I swear the next time you go all Sherlock Holmes on me—"

"Honey, please, I put Sherlock Holmes to shame," Garcia scoffed. "Do you think he could do what I can do with a computer? No, sir! I'm actually surprised I got you to confess this easily. My back up plan was telling you I'd traced your credit card to regular transactions at a gay bar in-"

"Who's going to a gay bar?" Came JJ's unmistakeable voice from behind me. Fuck, I knew I shouldn't have taken my eye off her! "Pen," JJ teased. "Are you finally giving up on Morgan and switching teams?"

I could almost feel the heat coming off Garcia's head as her brain kicked into overdrive. She wasn't embarrassed; no, she was hatching a plan. There was no doubt about it.

"I thought it might be a fun girls' night out for the three of us," Garcia suggested with a wink. Then, throwing a daring grin in my direction, she went on. "You'll come, right, Jayj? Get away from the boys? Emily already said yes!"

I'd chosen the wrong time to knock back half my beer and now began to choke violently under JJ's semi-amused, semi-concerned gaze.

"Sure, I'll come," she agreed, giving me a pointed look. "Did you have any particular place in mind?"

Garcia turned to me questioningly. "I don't actually know where's good. Em, where would you recommend?"

"H-how should I know?" I protested.

Oh, did I say I was ready to come out to the team? I meant the whole team except for JJ.

"I hear there's an amazing gay and lesbian night at Bernardo's on Thursdays," JJ piped up.

My mouth fell open but thankfully Garcia replied before I could make a fool of myself. "Oh really, JJ. Just where did you hear that?" she teased knowingly.

"Everyone knows that," I jumped to JJ's defence. "It was mentioned in the paper last week. Didn't you see it, Pen?"

"Okay, okay," Pen fell back, grinning.

But JJ didn't seem the slightest bit embarrassed. In fact, it was me she fixed with a strange smile. "I guess no one told you I'm bisexual," she observed.

Chin off the floor, chin off the floor, chin off the floor... JJ's bisexual, it's ok. Don't have a coronary, Emily.

"Is... that okay with you, Em?" JJ asked, a little sceptically. "You said you were okay to go out to a gay bar but the fact that I like women bothers you?"

"Oh no, sweetie, I think you've got the wrong idea—" Garcia began in my defence and that brought me back to reality.

Draining my beer in one go I shot Garcia a look to shut up and climbed to my feet. "No, Thursday. It's cool," I tried to say as casually as possible. "I'm just going to go get another drink, does anybody—?"

"I'll come with you," JJ offered, still eyeing me with that odd look.

I swallowed the lump in my throat. "No, Jayj, I can manage. What do you want?"

"No, I'll come—"

"Jayj," I pressed meaningfully and it killed me to see hurt flicker in her eyes.

"Whatever, forget it," JJ sighed, and as I turned away I heard her tell Garcia, "I'm thinking of going home anyway."

"Don't you usually share a cab with Emily?" Garcia asked, concerned and for a second I thought I'd missed JJ's reply until I heard her sigh.

"Come on, Pen. She doesn't want to share a cab with me right now..."

Then I was out of earshot.

"What can I getcha?" The bartender asked as I leaned up against the bar.

"I don't suppose you sell second chances," I sighed.

The bartender was about my age but he had a boyish face, just enough stubble on his chin. God, it would be so much easier if I could just find someone like him attractive.

"You know, I get that a lot?" He replied sympathetically.

"I can imagine... Sorry," I said. "Can I get a martini, please?"

"Coming right up with my sympathies," he replied.

"Appreciated..."

"It's Teddy. Like the bear. You can hug me if you like. I've been told I'm a pretty good hugger."

"Thanks, Teddy," I said, pulling the drink toward me gratefully as he set it on the bar.

"No problem...?"

"Emily."

"No problem, Emily," Teddy told me, smiling. Then he glanced down the bar, saw nobody waiting and leaned in conspiratorially. "You here with anyone?"

I glanced back toward our table and saw that JJ had indeed left but Haley and Hotch were back and talking to Garcia. "Some friends," I replied, nodding toward them. As I watched, Morgan returned too and happily planted a kiss on the side of Garcia's neck. She beamed up at him, then said something which made everyone laugh.

"I see two couples there," Teddy discerned, following my gaze. "Where's the guy that owes you a second chance?"

"Nobody owes me second chance," I told him. "Especially not her."

"Her, huh?" Teddy mused understandingly. "Okay. But I think you're wrong. I think we're all owed a second chance if we're willing to work for it. What did you do?"

"I think I hurt her to keep myself from getting hurt," I admitted. Then, "I'm sorry... I don't usually dump my problems on bartenders."

Teddy brushed off my apology. "It's a quiet night; I'm not doing much bartending. Lay 'em on me."

As he said that, a patron flagged him over. I was about to get up and head back to the others, but Teddy sent me a look as if to say stay. So I did, with a self-conscious glance back toward the team. They didn't seem to be missing me.

"Tell me her name," Teddy asked, smiling at me encouragingly as he returned.

I raised an eyebrow but indulged him. "Jennifer. Her name's Jennifer... We call her JJ."

"We as in, you and those guys over there?"

I glanced back at my team, plus Haley, minus Reid and JJ, and nodded.

"And she's your girlfriend?" Teddy assumed. Then as I blushed he amended himself, "...Not your girlfriend?"

"She's my colleague," I groaned. It was a dirty word in my vocabulary. "I work with everyone at that table. I've been working with them for months and I only just found out JJ's bi."

"You think she should've told you? You're just colleagues," Teddy reminded me.

"We're profilers," I told him. "I should've realised! Anyway, it was easier when I didn't know..."

"Easier to convince yourself not to go for her?" Teddy figured and I nodded, unable to say it out loud. "Does she know you're gay?"

I shook my head now. "I screwed up, Teddy. Our friend, Penelope, the blonde one over there, she figured out I was gay—she guessed, somehow - and then JJ said she was bi and Penelope was gonna out me and I just, I panicked..."

"You thought the bi girl was going to judge you for being gay?" Teddy confirmed. "Where's that logic coming from?"

"I didn't think she'd judge me, although I think she thinks I'm judging her now..." I moaned into my drink, then I took a sip. "I just froze up. I figured the minute she knew I was gay she'd realise I had it bad for her and it'd mess up everything we have. You know? ...Hey, you've got some customers over there."

"Ah, shit, you're right... Listen, Emily, you should talk to this girl. Don't let her stew with the wrong idea." He glanced down the bar to where he was being summoned, a guilty look on his face.

I drained my drink and nodded gratefully. "You get back to work," I told him. "Thanks for listening."

"You are most welcome," Teddy answered. "Maybe I'll see you around."

"Wouldn't be surprised if I needed another drink sometime soon," I admitted with a small smile.

"I work Thursdays, Fridays, Saturdays, and Mondays. You'll find me here."

"I will," I agreed, then I turned back to the others.

"Looks like you made a friend?" Morgan teased, winking at Garcia as I sat down. "Didn't even get your drink back to the table."

Garcia shot me a concerned look and I shrugged noncommittally. "He spoke to me," I said. "We had a bit of a chat."

"Looked like more than a bit of a chat to me," Morgan teased.

"He's a nice choice," Haley added. "You're as attractive as each other!"

I smiled weakly. It was all I didn't need - a straight woman telling me how great I looked with a man. If only I could feel something other than goddamn affection for him. I had no doubt it would be easier to seduce a man than figure things out with JJ. For a minute I considered doing just that. But I'd tried guys, a lot. My high school days were filled with misadventures. A young Catholic girl desperate to fit in, desperate to feel the ways the others felt. It had taken me so long to get to this point where I thought I could accept myself and now I wasn't even sure about that.

"Emily, are you okay?" Hotch asked. "Did he say something to you?"

"No, I— I'm sorry, I'm just not feeling well. I think I'm going to go home..."

"Find JJ," Garcia suggested. "She's ready to head off too. I told her to wait for you. She's outside getting some air."

I swallowed tightly, realising JJ had never left. "She's out the front?" I asked, my voice coming out a little choked.

"Yeah, last I heard," Garcia confirmed. "Get some sleep..." And talk to her, she added with a look.

"I will," I promised. "Night guys—sorry I wasn't more fun tonight."

"Next Thursday," Garcia reminded me. "You, me, and Jayj—you too if you want, Haley. It'll be a blast."

I left as Garcia explained to Hotch her desire to take his wife out to a gay and lesbian bar.

I found JJ not out the front but, on a whim, checking the alley beside the bar. She was leaned back against the wall, her arms wrapped around her torso and she was crying. Fuck. I felt a wave of self-loathing pass over me. I'd done this.

"JJ, I'm so sorry," I called, maybe five metres away. I didn't know how close she'd let me get. JJ could be volatile when upset and tonight I didn't blame her if she wanted nowhere near me.

"I'm not crying because of you," she shot back but she was a poor liar. I saw the way her body tensed when she saw me, the fear and anger fighting in her eyes. The hope. Because JJ always wanted to think the best of you, even when you least deserved it. That only made it worse.

"Yes you are," I pushed gently, taking a few steps closer. "Jennifer—"

"Don't," JJ ground out. "Nobody calls me that."

"I just want you to listen to me," I begged. "I gave you the wrong impression before—"

"You don't have to say that. I know it freaked you out that I like women," she sighed. "It's fine. It freaks some people out. Still. I don't care."

"Jayj, you do care and you should care," I told her earnestly and now I stood directly in front of her, although she wouldn't meet my eye. "You're right that I freaked out about you being bisexual, but it's not because I think there's anything wrong with that—"

"No, you're fine with it as long as it's nobody you know. Nobody who tricked you into caring about them before it came out—"

I was shocked by the total betrayal in her voice. "JJ, that's not it..." I reached out to touch her shoulder and bit my lip to keep from crying as she flinched away from me. "I reacted badly but not for the reason you think. I... Will you at least come back to mine so I can explain it to you properly?"

"I don't want to talk to you right now."

"Come on, Jayj, we're adults..."

"Are we?" JJ bit out. "Because you're acting like a teenager, Emily. Some scared kid!"

"Maybe I am," I pleaded, trying to keep the hurt from reaching my eyes. I deserved everything she said. She shouldn't have to feel guilty about it. Still, her look softened.

"What are you afraid of, Em?"

"I— I didn't do the whole experimenting in college thing, Jayj. I've known since I was a kid. I punished myself for it."

"Em, what are you talking about?"

"I made myself have sex with guys. I got myself pregnant at fifteen trying to make it work with them."

"Are you—?"

"It made me sick when they touched me. I wanted to die. When I found out I was pregnant I almost- fuck, you don't need to hear this..."

"Em, this doesn't sound like it has anything to do with me," JJ whispered, and I realised that her eyes, which had been avoiding mine were now deeply searching, desperate for answers.

"It doesn't," I choked. "I mean, it didn't... I just... I grew up thinking that what the Church thinks gay people are... they are. Do you understand? And I thought that about myself for so long and hid it for so long, and I thought by the time I grew up and left home and got this job, I'd figured it out and I was okay... But Garcia figured me out tonight and when you said you were bisexual I knew that any second she was going to out me and out of nowhere I felt all that old fear and panic and self-loathing come back and I said the complete wrong thing and I was too afraid to fix it. I'm sorry, JJ."

"Emily, you've got issues," JJ finally said, her brow furrowing oddly. "And yeah, what you did hurt but this is... I don't know how to respond to this."

Sensing that her desire to flee had evaporated, I felt myself relax just a little. "God, I'm sorry. I've never told anyone that before. Especially not all in one breath."

"Can I just get this straight, Em?" JJ asked cautiously and I nodded. "You freaked out because you were afraid that I would hate you?" Again, I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. "And that's happened to you before...?" Another nod. "Geez, Em, I'm sorry. Can we— can we get out of here and talk after all?"

It was JJ's apartment we ended up at just after 11.30pm and she was nervous to let me in. Her hand shook as she placed the key in the lock.

"I'd offer you a drink," she told me, "But I want to make sure I'm understanding you clearly. I could put on some tea, or coffee if you need to sober up?"

The cab ride had been more than enough to sober me up. "Tea would be great... I can put it on if you like."

JJ seemed to be tossing up whether she'd prefer me lingering unsupervised in her kitchen or her living room. Eventually she shrugged. "Come on through."

I ended up hovering as she made the tea, then following her back into the living room to sit on the couch. I'd sat here many, many times before but now the whole place seemed strange and alien.

"So Em," she said, raising her eyebrows slightly—a prompt. "You're gay?"

I couldn't help but laugh; it was something like relief. "Yeah, I guess." I mentally sighed at my own linguistic avoidance. "No. I am. Properly. I'm sorry, I'm not usually so weird about it. Those memories hit me out of nowhere..."

"You've really known since you were that young?" JJ asked.

I bit my lip as she leaned forward to brush a strand of hair from where it had fallen across my face. "I knew but that didn't mean I accepted it. After my mom's reaction to me coming out in high school, I couldn't call myself gay again until I was at least thirty," I admitted. "By then I'd been in so many bad relationships with men that I'd given up trying. I got myself off thinking about women and I hated myself for it. Eventually it got better. I started going on a few dates. I had a couple of proper relationships and I thought I was okay."

"But lately...?" JJ murmured.

"More like, since I started at the BAU..." I swallowed anxiously, dropping my eyes to my tea and taking a long sip. "JJ..."

"You can call me Jennifer if you want," she said quietly, "I'm sorry I snapped at you before."

"Jennifer," I conceded, testing the waters. "The moment I first saw you I knew I was in trouble. I freaked out tonight because I was afraid of how you would react. Actually, because I thought that if you knew I was gay you'd have to realise what I've been trying to hide since that first day..." I met her eyes again and found them open, waiting. "I thought if you knew you'd have to look back on everything I've ever said to you and you'd have to realise... You couldn't not see... I am so in love with you, Jennifer."

I watched her suck her bottom lip into her mouth longingly. "Em, are you going to freak out again if I kiss you?"

A surprised burble of laughter tumbled unbidden from my throat. "I might, Jen, but definitely not in a bad way."

JJ laughed too—softly, musically. Then she took my teacup, placed it down on the table—"Just in case," she informed me with a grin—and gently pressed her lips to mine.

It would have been so easy. If only I'd been able to feel the way JJ made me feel with a boy, my life would have been different growing up. And yet as we kissed all that old resentment faded away. I was lost to the feeling of her tongue tracing my bottom lip, slipping into my open mouth, meeting mine. Her hand on my cheek was an anchor as I leaned into her, placing my hands on her neck, my thumbs at the base of her jaw. I held her carefully, like something fragile. It was her who gently pushed me backwards so that I lay beneath her on the couch. I dropped a hand to trace up her thigh disbelievingly as she straddled my hips and looked down. Her blonde hair fell like a golden fountain around her face, framing flushed cheeks.

"Okay?" She asked me. "Too fast?"

"Not fast enough," I whispered back and her lips crashed into mine.

A quick breath. "Can I?"

Her hands were at the base of my shirt. She twisted the hem between her fingers in askance.

"Please," I gasped, and I raised my arms so she could lift it over my head. Between us we made quick work of my bra and her blouse and I moaned as she ran her hands confidently up my torso, pausing to cover my bare breasts with her palms.

"You are so beautiful," she told me and it was almost a whine. Her mouth slipped against my neck as she leaned down and moved against me.

I stroked my hands firmly down her tight thighs, still clad in denim, and gave her ass a brief but definite squeeze. Her hips rolled into me and I felt her lips widen to a grin against my neck, followed by a series of light nips that built to a hard bite that made me glad I was lying down. Digging my fingertips into her skin, following the ridges of her spine, I had just unhooked her bra when there was a knock at the door.

"Jayj?"

"What the hell is Garcia doing here...?" JJ groaned. She didn't move off me but her hands fell from my breasts to my waist and she lifted her head to throw a glance at the clock on the wall. "This is no kind of hour..."

"Jayj, you still up?"

JJ looked down at me guiltily and I nodded, re-clasping her bra and reaching down to the floor beside me for her blouse.

Now JJ swung her leg back over me and stood and I felt the loss of warmth keenly. Biting my lip, it took me a moment to realise that I needed to get dressed too.

"You can... I don't mind if you don't want her to see you here," JJ told me, not meeting my eyes.

To be honest, I'm not sure I did; guilt and fear were already building in the pit of my stomach and a kind of nausea was washing over me. But I'd already made that mistake once tonight, and something about the timbre of JJ's voice told me she really would have minded.

I lifted a hand to her chin and kissed her softly, chastely. "Jennifer, I am not ashamed of you."

Her smile was full, grateful. "Will you boil the kettle again?"

I nodded wordlessly and returned to the kitchen.

When I came out I found Penelope in the living room giving JJ a hug. "I just wanted to check you were okay, sweetie," she was saying and then she saw me entering with the kettle and a third teacup and her face lit up. "But I guess somebody already took care of that!"

"I'm fine, Pen," JJ replied - and was that a giggle? "As I know you realised the minute you opened the door, so drop the act."

"Well, I wasn't going to say but you have got a bit of a honeyglow to your cheeks... Lips looking swollen... And Jayj, I don't know who taught you to button a blouse because that's all kinds of wrong."

JJ glanced down at her top ruefully and realigned a few buttons. I was amazed and internally thrilled by her lack of self-consciousness. She'd as good as told she Garcia that she'd been fooling around - with me. "You want some tea?" JJ asked and I raised the kettle, still somewhat stunned.

"Yes please, girlies!" Garcia replied happily. "May as well interrupt properly."

"Good thing none of us have to be up early tomorrow," I commented, a note of relaxed sarcasm entering my tone.

"Better hope we don't pull a case - here you go, Pen," JJ added, passing across a cup of tea. "You're lucky your office is so dark."

"You're right," Garcia agreed, raising an eyebrow. "Working in a cramped dark space filled with lots of really, really bright computer screens is the best thing ever when you've been out drinking the night before!"

"Maybe it'd have been more worth your while if it was Morgan's place you ended up at," JJ giggled.

I found myself grinning too. "Even the bartender thought you two were a couple!"

"He didn't!" Garcia gasped. "I'm so telling Morgan that. That's like the fifth person this week to make that mistake. Hey, what were you talking to him about anyway?"

"Talking to who about?" JJ asked, having been outside during my conversation with Teddy-the-Bartender.

I blushed at that. "What does anyone talk to bartenders about? I was getting romantic advice."

"About me?"

The blush deepened. "No, about Hotch," I groaned. "Of course about you."

JJ was smiling shyly and Penelope's face couldn't have been happier. "What did he say?"

I shrugged and refilled my teacup, avoiding the two pairs of inquisitive eyes on me. "Well, I'm here, aren't I?"

Garcia laughed. "I'll have to buy him a drink! Can you do that? Buy the bartender a drink? Probably not. Anyway, drink your tea, darlings. Emily and I should be heading off soon or we really will be zombies tomorrow." A devious look passed over her face. "You... Are planning on going home tonight, aren't you, Em?"

Fuck. I hadn't even thought about it since we got here. There was no way I was done with JJ but there was also no way I wanted to be sneaking home to pick up clothes for work before the sun was up if something did happen between JJ and I. I'd been that kind of lover too many times before and I wanted JJ to know she was different.

"Yeah, just let me finish my tea," I sighed, registering JJ's disappointment with interest. However bold she was, she wasn't about to ask me why I wouldn't stay the night with Garcia present. "Work tomorrow..."

JJ dipped her face down to her teacup and I wondered if this was doubt I was seeing now. I swallowed my fear, took her chin in my hand and gently tilted her head up to kiss her lips. "I had a good time tonight," I tried to say but I was cut off by a high pitch squeal.

Turning to Garcia, I saw she had clamped a hand over her mouth. "Sorry! Sorry! I just didn't expect you guys to be that cute. I will control myself in future! Promise!"

JJ giggled, taking my hand shyly. "I had fun too," she replied. Then she looked up at Garcia and asked, "So—you said we're heading to a gay bar Thursday night?"

Garcia seemed to have forgotten all about her idea, but now her eyes sparked with renewed deviousness. "Absolutely!" she chuckled, a little darkly.

Great… Now, why did I think she had more in mind for Thursday than just another night out?