Dismal Angel 2010 - Episode 7
Chapter 1: Loss
"Jean, there are no traces of his memories anywhere in his mind…I'm afraid Remy will NEVER gain back his memories…" the Professor's voice was quiet, and yet at the same time was so loud and clear that Rogue heard it perfectly from the hallway.
Tears were threatening to spill, and her stomach lurched, and nausea came to her in waves, she put her hand to her mouth as she felt the bile rise in her throat, and turned to dash down the hall towards the nearest bathroom. She made it with only a second to spare, in time to shove the toilet lid up and lean over as she heaved and lost the little of the lunch she'd eaten earlier that day.
She dropped to her knees on the bitterly cold marble tiles of the bathroom, gasping for breath, she'd never been so overwhelmed with emotion that she'd thrown up before. She rested her cheek against the cold porcelain, her mind swimming with questions until she felt so disorientated that she could barely even remember the run to the bathroom.
How could it be so? How could Remy have lost his memories forever – and never have the chance to gain them back? It seemed like something that might only happen in a soap opera on daytime television, or in a movie. Surely this couldn't be real life, it couldn't be.
She pinched herself hard, hoping that it was some godawful dream she could awaken herself from, but as the pain presented itself, and vanished just as quickly when she let go of her flesh, she was still there in the bathroom, and the memory of having heard Remy would never gain his memory back was still haunting her.
Remy would never be the same. He'd never be the same charming Cajun he'd once been, he'd never call her 'Chere' again and never speak in sweet romantic French whilst holding her in ways only he could.
Suddenly, Rogue felt as if Remy had been lost completely, and now, a stranger remained in his place. Sure that stranger had his eyes, his body, his face, even his voice, but it just wasn't Remy anymore. She wasn't sure if it was even right to call the stranger in the hospital wing by Remy's name, it didn't seem appropriate anymore.
The thoughts continued to whirl through her mind, shaking her very soul as if she were being rattled inside out. She kept telling herself their words could not be true, but they rung out in her head and her heart thudded and instinct told her it was true.
"Are you alright?"
Rogue turned to look over her shoulder, Kitty stood in the doorway, hugging a thick purple cardigan around herself to beat a cold draught that had been plaguing the Mansion's first floor all winter.
Rogue wasn't sure how to respond really, she reached over and flushed the toilet weakly, then pulled herself up slowly, trying to steady herself, "I threw up…it just came over me."
"Maybe you're coming in for some kind of stomach bug," Kitty suggested.
Rogue studied her friends face for the millionth time since their friendship had begun. Kitty seemed so pale, drawn, and tired, yet, her exhausted appearance did not take away the youthful attractiveness that she'd been blessed with. Although Kitty still looked not a day over sixteen, the wisdom of being wiser than her years showed in her sapphire eyes, which were large and round, with long dark heavy lashes.
Kitty seemed to sense Rogue was deep in though, she brought her out of it, "Maybe you should have an early night?" Kitty glanced at her watch, noting it was past eight pm already.
Rogue wanted so badly to tell Kitty what she'd heard, but how could she bother her friend with this, Kitty was still grieving over her parents, she had her own concerns.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kitty finally asked, eyebrows furrowing until the space between them became a tiny wrinkled square of flesh.
"Remy will never remember who he is," Rogue blurted out, not understanding why she'd said it after having realised it was the wrong thing to say and that Kitty could do without the added stress of knowing this.
Kitty's face dropped in shock, those large eyes becoming ever wider, her mouth falling into an 'o' shape, eyebrows lifting, "I…no…it can't be."
"Oh come on," Rogue sighed. "When has Professor Xavier ever been wrong?" she pointed out, and she could find no instance in her own mind that the Professor had been wrong – none that seemed to stand out anyway.
"The Professor told you this?" Kitty seemed rather taken aback, it seemed to her that the Professor would not have disclosed such drastic information to Rogue straightforwardly, and so soon.
"I overheard him and Jean talking," Rogue stepped out in the hall and began to head towards the large foyer, her footsteps echoing on the marble floor all the while. She heard Kitty following, pace speeded up more than her own.
"What did they say?" Kitty asked, catching up.
Rogue stopped as they approached the foyer, "they said—" Rogue stopped abruptly, realising her voice was booming over the hall that had such great acoustics due to the high ceiling, marble floors and lack of furnishings. "They said…" she lowered her voice, chewing her lip for a moment, "that…Remy had no memories hidden anywhere in his mind…and that as far as they're concerned he should have the mentality of a newborn baby or something along those lines," Rogue sighed, "if the memories aren't there he can't regain them back…"
"That's gotta be bullshit," Kitty responded, her voice a little loud, she lowered it, leaning closer to Rogue to say in barely a whisper, "I mean Professor Xavier is like, the worlds most powerful telepath, how could he NOT be able to somehow restore Remy's mind to the state it was in just before the shooting?"
Rogue swept her hair back from her face, "I don't know," she shook her head sadly, "all I know is, its like…I've learned that Remy is…dead."
"Oh come on…dead? That's a bit drastic, isn't it? He's right there in the hospital wing, he's breathing, he can move and talk and that's a start…he's not dead."
"The Remy I knew IS dead," Rogue sat down on the bottom steps of the large staircase, she put her head in her hands. I can never have him back – and he'll never be the same…" she broke into tears of heartache, "and I never even got to tell him I loved him…"
Kitty sat by Rogue, clasping her hands in her lap, "I can't believe you're giving up hope on him…I mean…there could still be some way he could recover the memory…and who's to say that what the Professor and Jean say is true? How do WE know they didn't get it wrong – people make mistakes you know," she jabbered on.
Rogue shook her head, "the Professor is never wrong."
"C'mon, Rogue, you know as well as I do he's as human as the rest of us, he makes mistakes just like everyone else. Maybe he makes LESS of them but the fact is he COULD be wrong about this."
Rogue shook her head once again, she refused to believe that, if the Professor said it was impossible, it just had to be.
"Well I'm not giving up hope," Kitty stood up, "The Professor asked me to help him by telling him more about himself and to try and assist him in regaining his memories and I'm certainly going to continue going to see him, and trying to help jog his memory, even if I have to spend hours and hours doing it, I will…I'm not about to give up just yet."
Rogue's head snapped up, she looked at her friend with a startled expression, "The Professor asked you to help him?" the tears trickled down her face and disappeared on her shirt, the tracks already beginning to dry.
Kitty shrugged, "Yeah…"
Rogue stood up too, her full height at five feet and eight inches – slightly accented with the thick soles of her sneakers – seemed to loom over Kitty, who was barely four feet and eleven inches as she stood with her feet only in striped pink socks. "He asked you…"
"Yeah," Kitty said again, realising this was something that perhaps Rogue hadn't particularly known or if she had, had only just been reminded of this instant.
"Why you…?" Rogue asked, although it was more of a demand than a question, suddenly her green eyes seemed to darken to the colour of the needles on a Christmas Tree, her face seemed to lose all its colour.
"Because I'm…friends with him?" Kitty shrugged, stepping back, she didn't like that expression on Rogue's face, and she'd known her too long to know that when Rogue was in a bad mood or angry, then it was best to stay out of her way. Kitty realised she perhaps shouldn't have said anything at all.
"But I'm friends with him!" Rogue retorted, "I was his girlfriend for a year! I was engaged to him for fucks sake!"
"Calm down…please?" Kitty asked in a small voice, she put her hands out motioning in a soothing gesture at Rogue, who seemed to take no notice.
"No one knows that man in that hospital wing better than I do!" Rogue spat, she was clenching her fists.
"And you're also in love with him!" Kitty reminded, "The Professor would want to spare you the emotional distress of having to go through trying to teach Remy about himself…"
"That's bullshit," Rogue turned away, she felt her long silken hair flip around as she did.
"Rogue…I spent ages with him trying to tell him all about himself, and he looked at me with these…blank…empty eyes…not remembering…" Kitty described, "it made ME feel bad, Rogue, and I'm not even in love with the guy…if you were there, telling him all these things, and having him not remember, lookin' at you like you were a stranger to him, tellin' you he can't remember ever having loved you, or can't even remember your name, do you honestly think it wouldn't hurt?"
Rogue looked away, already tears stinging at her eyes once again, Kitty's point was valid. It would hurt. It had hurt when she'd been with him in the hospital wing talking to him, and she'd seen that vulnerable look upon his handsome face. She should have known then, by that childlike expression that he was lost to her forever.
"Don't let it get you down," Kitty approached, she put her hand on Rogue's shoulder and gripped it firmly, giving her a little reassuring shake, "and I meant what I said…I'm not going to give up, even if the Professor and Jean – and you are," she added, let go of her shoulder, bid Rogue a good night, and headed upstairs.