A/N: Spoilers for preview of Purgatory. Just a little muse about what in the world is going through Goren's mind.

Disclaimer: They're not mine…I promise I'll give them back when I'm done.

"What is insanity, anyway? Is it when you scream and everyone else whispers, or is it when you fight for what's right, even when everyone else thinks you're wrong?"

Sanity is a funny thing. What is sane for one person might be perceived as unstable to the next. When you've grown up witnessing firsthand the mental breakdown of a loved one, you constantly keep a watch out for signs in yourself. Mental stability becomes your obsession. You wonder, Is today the day I break? Is my meticulousness normal? You constantly try to prove to the world that, yes, I am sane. And this constant focus is enough to drive you, well, insane.

So one day you just stop. You finally quit worrying because people are going to think what they think. But then the signs start showing. To others they're like flashing neon signs. Breakdown up ahead! It's coming soon! But you miss it because you are no longer paying attention.

So, you alienate your friends that try to help you. Sure, you come back later and apologize for what you said or did, but the damage has already been done. And still you don't notice anything is wrong. So you begin taking more risks. Soon enough, these risks become something no "sane" person would take part in. You may take your friends along for the ride. They willingly participate because everyone is a little damaged. Everyone's sanity slips once in awhile.

And they're worried about you. Your life is spiralling out of control and you don't seem to care or even notice. Then, suddenly, you hit that breaking point. You've lost your job. You've pushed away your friends. You've lost your family—both literally and figuaratively.

So you figure it doesn't matter. There's nobody anymore. And you take a risk bigger than the one that put you over the edge. You become a rogue. You do as you please, no matter the cost. You can deal with the bad people just as easily as you can the good. You do things you couldn't have imagined yourself doing in your wildest dreams. You find yourself on the wrong side of the law for a change. You have a gun pointed in an unarmed man's face, and you seriously think about pulling the trigger. Instead, you whip your gun around toward the new intruders.

And it all comes crashing down around you, as clear and evident as the gun pointed back in your face. And the woman you love holding it. Sanity. Your sanity. So you struggle to grasp it. You drop the gun. You begin to care again. In the space of time it takes for your gun to fall to the floor, the past two years flash through your mind. And you see the signs. You want to cry for the mess you've made of it all.

You give yourself to the police willingly. Instinctively you avoid her gaze. You feel her eyes boring holes in your back. But, finally, you are aware of it all. And ashamed. You know you need help. You know you will be able to get it. What you don't know is if you will ever be able to fully reclaim your sanity. Maybe you're too far gone.

But then you realize that you are seeing things again. And watching for signs. And you think that maybe, just maybe, it will be okay.

fin

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