Title: Gone
Rating: T
Author: ohemgeeitscoley
Summary: That was the last thing Damon Salvatore said to me and I can't even hate him correctly.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Authors note: Spoilers for the season 3 season finale.
Gone
I love you so much
But do me a favor baby
And don't reply
Because I can dish it out
But I can't take it.
It wasn't always this difficult.
I think about that a lot these days. My life wasn't always this hard; it wasn't always a constant battle to stay alive. Back before I was a doppleganger, before I was Stefan's girlfriend, before I was the cause of everyone's death; my life was easy really.
I was popular, I was a friend, I was somebody's girlfriend, somebody's daughter. I miss it, now more than ever. Now that the blood is my body is stolen, now that I'm dead, but not really. I never wanted this; I never wanted to be a creature that lives off of somebody else's blood. I wanted to grow old, age, fall in love with a human, and have kids. I wanted to die. I wanted so badly to die from natural reasons, surrounded by a family that loved me.
Instead, I died in a car, a car that was driven off a bridge because of an angry vampire. I may hate what I am now, but it is my fault. I made Stefan save Matt and I could never bring myself to regret that decision. Nobody else deserves to die simply because they were trying to save me. Enough people have lost their lives for that reason, but never again. Nobody will die for me anymore. I can protect myself, and even if I couldn't I wouldn't let them.
I'm not worth saving.
Not that I would ever say that out loud to anyone. They are already watching over me on a constant suicide watch. They have nothing to fear, I couldn't do that to Jeremy, he is the whole reason I completed the transition. He has lost just as many people as me; I couldn't bear to add myself to the list. I'm not suicidal, but I'm not afraid of truly being dead. Some days I may wish for it, but I would never actively seek it either.
It's so easy to question the decisions I made that night. One decision really. One decision ended my life and brought me here. One wrong decision, and trust me I know it was wrong. No matter how much I love (loved?) Stefan, it didn't give me any right to leave Damon alone to die. He didn't deserve that, he deserved so much more than that. Stefan was surrounded by friends, Damon was by himself and I was going to leave him there. I was going to leave him there to die alone.
Maybe that is how I ended up here. Sitting in what used to be my room, a place that was surrounded by a million human memories; memories that I wanted so badly to forget. Stefan and Jeremy were downstairs with Caroline; I could hear them talking about me, again. Words of ways to cheer me up, Caroline promising Jeremy that my attitude wouldn't be permanent that I just needed time to adjust to what had happened; time to get over the trauma of it all. Stefan swearing that I just needed more time to adjust to being a vampire, it was after all a lot to take in. Jeremy questioning why six months weren't enough.
I tried not to laugh. They had no idea about the memories that were torturing me, the ones I never knew I had and the ones that were a result of remembering.
I tried to tell him that I made a mistake. That I realized it as soon as the car went over the bridge, before I was in transition, before I remembered. He didn't believe me, or he did and it was just too late. I can't blame him either way.
He left two weeks ago.
I still can't believe he actually left. It doesn't seem real. He promised he would never leave me again and he did. I wish I could hate him for it, but his leaving just made my feelings for him show more. I deserved this. I deserved for him to leave, for him to choose a life without me. I always chose Stefan over him, I didn't deserve for him to choose me this time. I did this to myself, to us before we ever really were able to be an us.
I can hear Caroline standing outside of my door; I can practically see her debating whether or not she should come in. A part of me dies at the notion. In all of the years of our friendship Caroline never once questioned barging her way into my life. Yet here we were. Caroline on side of the door, me on the other both painfully aware of what the other one must be doing and still neither of us made any real attempt to close the distance.
Her footsteps sounded like drums in my ears as she walked away.
One choice did this. One stupid, thoughtless choice a fragile human decided. Humans shouldn't be able to make choices, trust me. Chances are if a life or death decision is being based off of emotions and not any sense of logic, the choice is flawed, deeply flawed. Even if the choice seems like the correct choices because it's what seems right, it's what anybody would want, it's what everyone is telling you to do; it's wrong. Being scared, clinging on to what was once a safe place and trying to find a way back there is wrong. Moving on with life is scary; falling in love is scary; having to own your own choices is terrifying.
I wonder where he is, a part of my believes that if I leave and just start to wander around I'll be able to find him. Like my search will somehow activate a beacon inside of his chest and lead me right to him. It's stupid, I know. I know that I won't be able to find him, not if he doesn't want to be found, which he doesn't. He made it so perfectly clear that he doesn't want to be found.
"Damon, listen to me." I begged, wrapping my arms around his forearm attempting to force him to look at me for just a second. He pulled himself free without ever looking at me. "Please, Damon. I lo—"
His eyes finally met mine and I froze. He was so angry. "No, don't. Just stop Elena. You do not get to say that to me. Not now."
"That's not fair. I'm trying. Can't you see that I'm trying."
"I doesn't matter anymore, Elena. You can try all you want. You made your decision, now you can live with the concequences."
"I didn't…. I didn't want to make that decision. You have to understand—"
My sentence was cut off by his laughter. He was laughing, this deep, dark laughter that would haunt me for the rest of my undead life.
"Don't you get it? I don't have to understand anything about you anymore. For the longest time I was so convinced that I didn't deserve you; that you were so much better than me. In my head you were everything good that I could never be."
"That's not true, you always deserved me."
He smiled the soft, small smile that I loved. "So isn't it funny that I don't want anything to do with you now? I love Elena. That's not changing, but I don't want to love you. I don't want your love. I don't want to constantly second guess whether or not I deserve you this day. If you are going to run back to my brother at the first bump, I don't want any of it. I don't deserve this. You don't deserve me. I don't deserve you. It's a sick circle we've got here."
My vision blurred, "You don't mean that."
"I mean it more than anything darling."
That was the last thing Damon Salvatore said to me and I can't even hate him correctly. I don't know if I was ever able to hate him, but I don't know if I've ever wanted to more.
Stefan's and Caroline's voiced traveled back up the stairs. Talk of the plans they were coming up with; the plans that were going to fix me.
Their plans made my decision so much easier. I dropped the note on the bed and walked down the stairs, past their worried glances and out the front door.
They didn't follow me.
I hoped my footsteps would echo in their ears for eternity.