A/N and Disclaimer:

IMPORTANT: To correctly understand this piece of crack, you'll need to read these stories on LiveJournal first:

Only Slightly Awkward by sasorikatana
99 percent Straight by sasorikatana
In Laws by maldororgw

(I'll post the links in my bio).

For everybody else: as far as I know, the character of Marco resulted from a discussion between hinasotaku and emeraldlarunya about some fanart which showed Lucci in drag. The only logical explanation: Lucci has a twin brother.

So, now that you know that Marco isn't mine, the idea for the story isn't really mine, and that OnePiece definitely isn't mine, you can go on and enjoy the little bit of crack that, to 90 percent, isn't mine.

A New Mission

Kaku knocked on Lucci's door. After a brief moment that would give only someone with soru-speed enough time to hide anything a visitor shouldn't see, he entered without waiting for acknowledgement.

Kaku was pretty sure he was the only one who dared to do so – most other marines didn't even dare to come within thirty miles of the CP9 wing, let alone individual living quarters. Not even Spandam had done so, but that hadn't had anything to do with respecting his agents' privacies. It had had more to do with Spandam being somewhat out of shape, and that annoyed CP9 agents tended to shoot first and ask later. Or whatever other method they preferred for killing.

And, anyways, Kaku had done nothing to hide his presence, so Lucci had probably felt him as soon as Kaku had entered the building. Just like Kaku knew Lucci was in his apartment.

Grabbing the mission folder from where he'd tucked it under his arm, Kaku stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Then, just before he went into announcing their new job, he stopped short and stared.

"Eh? Marco? What are you doing here?" Kaku raised an eyebrow at Lucci's twin, who was stoically sitting on Lucci's couch. The window behind him silhouetted his figure, but this undeniably was Marco. The chiffon ruffles spilling on the floor were all Kaku needed. "For that matter, how did you get in here? I thought Lucci threatened you with bodily harm the last time you knocked on his door?"

Marco didn't say anything. Neither did he move. That was quite out of character for the normally flirtatious crossdresser, who couldn't let any opportunity slide to make side-sweeps at Lucci's avoidance of filial duties.

In front of Marco, there was a mission folder on the coffee table, with the obligatory 'Top Secret' stamped straight across it. Kaku thought it a little bit counter-productive to make it so glaringly obvious that there was something that shouldn't fall into the wrong hands. But apparently, most of the Marines felt the need for such indiscretions. Maybe that was because they wanted to let everyone know how important they were running around with top secret folders, or because the lower ranks were stupid enough to actually needed the 'Don't Touch on the Threat of Dire Bodily Harm' label. Kaku didn't know. But he had modestly turned his own folder inside out to hide the blunt, red script.

However, that still didn't explain Marco's presence in Lucci's apartment; especially not his presence together with the open files in front of him. To think of it; they looked kind of like the papers Kaku was carrying.

Narrowing his eyes, Kaku drew closer. "Marco?"

There. A reaction.

Sadly though, the twitch of jaw-muscles was equally as out of character for Marco as his silence and folded arms.

And the pigeon that swept down from the rafters to perch on Marco's shoulder.

"Coo roo?"

Kaku froze for a moment before he slowly opened his own folder. He hadn't yet had a closer look at the mission, since he had just returned from another one with Jyabura, who had fled the mission bureau suspiciously quickly. They had told him that Lucci had already gotten his part yesterday, and that meant that Lucci could fill him in on the details. Sure, he had briefly skimmed over it to know their target was at Alessandro's, a well-known meeting point for gay…

… and cross-dressing…

… men …

Gradually, he raised his eyes to meet Lucci's Mascara-lined ones, which twitched dangerously. Kaku briefly reflected that Jyabura must have known what kind of mission this was. But then Lucci's eyes traveled down Kaku's body and slowly turned into a sadistic smirk.

Kaku was tempted to ask why Marco had such big eyes, and such a red mouth, but he was quite certain that Lucci had never heard of little Red Riding Hood, and if he had, he would have rewritten the tale to change the wolf into a leopard with bullet-proof skin and let a giraffe deal with the demoralized hunter. None of that old-fashioned cutting-his-belly-in-his-sleep-to-fill-with-stones-and-then-throwing-into-a-well stuff. Or was that a different fairy tale?

Kaku answered Lucci's twitch of the eyebrow with one of his own, but actually, that was more of an answer to Lucci's smirk. How could he ever have thought this was Marco? The killing intent in the air should have been enough of a hint.

Now that he knew that he wasn't facing Marco, he could actually read all the little clues correctly. Lucci's eyebrow had said 'One Word And I'll Kill You In So Many Different Ways That They'd Need A Microscope To Put You Back Together'. But his smirk had said 'If I Have To Suffer I'll At Least Take My Well-Deserved Joy In Seeing You Suffer Together With Me'. Kaku's eyebrow had understood that perfectly and answered something along the lines of 'Whoever Put This Into The Mission's Fine Print Is Going To Die In So Many Different Ways That Not Even A Microscope Will Help With Putting Them Back Together.'

Suddenly, there was the sound of a toilet flushing in the adjoining bathroom. Was there someone else in Lucci's apartment?

Kaku's head swiveled around, and the mission folder on the coffee table vanished beneath the couch. A little bit later the door to the bathroom opened on its own accord. Kaku's gaze was immediately drawn to the figure who sauntered into the living area with a flourish, still drying its limp-wristed hands on a towel before erupting in joyous exclamations.

"Oh, so you're finally here? Come, come, sit down - sit down I said - and I'll come to you in a minute. I'll just have to pluck that strange lump out of Grumpy's eyebrows here, probably comes from all that scowling he does, and then I'll take care of you. That's so sweet – stay still, Lucci – of the two of you to finally show your true calling! When Jyabura told me that the two of you want to go to Alessandro's, I just had to help you! With the way the two of you look and act around each other, one could even think you were straight! But don't worry, Papa Marco will help you – hold still or I'll remove your whole eyebrows – and I'll show you all you have to know. Such a luck that Jyabura told me to come by today…"

Kaku's and Lucci's eyes met through Marco's attempts at removing Lucci's facial hair. Yep, Jyabura had known of that mission, and had taken measures to make it as uncomfortable for the two of them as possible. Perhaps the cutting-his-belly-in-his-sleep-to-fill-with-stones-and-then-throwing-into-a-well wasn't as old-fashioned as Kaku had thought.

It was nice that Kaku and Lucci could read each other so well without the need for words. That brief meeting of their eyes had communicated everything they had to say.

Jyabura was going to die.

Slowly.