only half a blue sky
i'm kinda there - but not quite
i'm walking around with just one shoe
i'm half a heart without you
-one direction, half a heart
xi.
Every day they're apart kills her.
When Lily has nothing better to think about, she contemplates the irony of this. James is away, fighting for their right to live and while he's not here, she's dying inside. But then she bites her tongue and throws herself into whatever she's doing because they're fighting for more then her right to have James.
They're fighting for something intangible that she can't even name, but she thinks she understands it when she looks at Harry. He's her son, her half-blooded son and he's going to live in a world where that doesn't matter. Where he can be proud of that. Even if they die fighting for it.
x.
He can't stand every day that he's not home. James can find the humor in anything, though, so he smiles because after he finally got Evans to date him, after he saw her every day for seven years mainly full of continual rejection, he got his girl and can't see her for days on end. That's one way to get rid of them.
ix.
Every day they're apart kills her. The thing she's most afraid of, though is that every day they're apart is killing James, too. Literally.
She tells Harry about his dad, about his smile that lights up a room, about how he's the most lovable prat in the whole world. About how he's coming home for dinner tonight. Harry looks up at Lily, bright eyes wide with confusion. Mummy, Daddy said he's going to come back to us on Friday and it's only Wednesday today. Then he cries, ragged whimpers broken up with calls for daddy. She lies next to him on the kitchen floor, sobbing quietly for James.
It's this whole bloody war. This can't be a healthy way to bring up a child.
viii.
He can't stand every day that he's not home. Every time he passes a window, James looks inside for some little trinket he can bring back for Lily and Harry. He vows that if he gets out of here alive, his wife will have the most beautiful necklace she's ever seen, and his son would have his very own snitch to catch because everyone can see that the boy is destined to be a seeker.
vii.
Every day they're apart kills her. She's lost people that she loved before. When Tuney told her that she was a freak, and she wished they were never sisters, so there, she had cried herself to sleep every night that week and had to be persuaded gently by her mother not to break her wand. Losing her best friends had hurt too, it still was seared into the back of her mind. Mudblood.
In a way, though, this is worse because this separation isn't the end of a relationship, it's the middle of everything that she cares about. If she loses James, she will be gone.
vi.
He can't stand every day that he's not home. He drowns his pain in work and when the tasks can't keep him occupied, he downs whiskey at a rate that would horrify Lily. The worst times are nights when he can't fall asleep. He wakes up screaming, covered in cod sweat and read the obituaries in the prophet until he's calm enough to close his eyes again.
v.
Every day they're apart kills her. Sometimes she gets mad at him for leaving her to raise Harry, leave it to James to want to protect her at all costs. Then she screams into her pillow until her throat is raw and scratched and matches with her heart and the anger subsides. Because he's James and how can anyone stay mad with him?
Sometimes she gets mad at Dumbledore, sick of being a pawn, no matter how worthy the cause. The look in his eyes, like he bears the weight of the world on his shoulders and isn't about to share, frustrates her to no end.
Sometimes her blinding rage is one that requires no explanation, but it's force scares her. Voldemort. This whole damn war.
Sometimes, it's directed at herself.
(You're not enough Lily. See Harry's eyes? See how he shivers at night and drags his broomstick to you, wanting you to teach him quidditch, like dada? Hear the death toll? One, two, three... Why did you stop counting? It's not like you have anything better to do while you let them all die, holed up in this rickety prison called home.)
The only people who don't bear the brunt of her wrath are the Marauders and Harry.
Every day, Remus drops in, paler and more drawn then ever, offering to run errands for her. Sirius often accompanies him, loaded with idiotic puns and silent reassurance. Peter tags along silently, looking worried. She hugs them all and feeds them too much because she needs to give away all the love that should belong to James. And because they're her family.
Every day, Harry gets bigger and Lily has to pinch her arm to remind herself that he's real. She kisses his smooth forehead and they listen to music, color and cook. The only thing she can't do for him is bedtime stories. All the people sound the same, Mummy, didn't daddy teach you how to do the different voices for everyone?
iv.
Every day they're apart kills her and the world laughs. She won't have to worry about loneliness again, because this is the last time they'll ever be separated.
iii.
Then one day, they're not apart anymore and they know they'll have the strength to go on. Lily doesn't think anyone has ever loved the tiny sound of a key turning in the lock and a door swinging open on rusting hinges with as much intensity as her at this moment. Before Lily can register anything, she's picked up Harry and is launching herself towards James, and he's running towards her, laughing while swiping at tear-tracks running down his dusty cheeks.
They collapse into a laughing, crying heap on the floor and she's whispering, then yelling. Potter, James fucking Potter.
And Harry wants to know what fucking means, and when daddy will read his bedtime story, and did he bring back a present?
James just wants to lay there, pinned under his son, his wife hovering over him, yelling his name. He wants to examine their faces, steal Harry's nose, kiss Lily's lips. Know they're real.
ii.
The day they're together again kills them.
i.
But at least they die together.
quidditch league, round eleven.
the last time james and lily are ever apart