Dean's read that journal over a hundred times, front to finish. He's got parts of it memorized. Not only exorcisms and incantations, but pretty much every single time there is a mention of his mother, he knows it by heart.
Dean's read that journal over a hundred times, front to finish. But he never read anything with his name on it. Everytime that jornal hits a capital D and the word seems short enough, he jumps the paragraph. He does the same when it hits an S. He can't do it. And he's sure his brother has done the same.
He can't read it. He can't do it. It's one thing to read about his father's hunts, that's learning, that's acceptable. It's one thing to read about the mother he lost, that's… forgivable. He can't read anything else, though. It's too personal, an invasion of his father precious privacy. And there's nothing else in there except him and his brother.
He can't do it. Because he doesn't want to know. He doesn't want to remember his childhood, the things they did, the monsters they faced. He doesn't want to remember how scared he was all the time. It's easier to live with the illusion that he was always fearless and invincible and confident in his superhero of a father.
He can't read it. For all of those reasons, all very valid. But he can't read it, above all, because he doesn't want to know. He doesn't think he will be able to deal with how his father felt about him. Really felt. What could be in there? The shtriga that almost got Sam killed? His failures? His father's fights with Sam? His disappointment with both his sons, the one who left and the one that couldn't keep him?
He can't read it.
But his father is dead now and before he died he had what had to be the world's worst dying wish ever. Just as it would suit him.
And now Dean can't help but wonder if there's a clue to the secret that is his brother among those Ds and Ss. He gets the journal. Takes a deep breath. And just starts fumbling through the pages.
He gets a D next to a S. Random. It suits him just fine. Just break the ice, read anything, the rest will be easier.
"Now Dean tells me he cut off contact with Sam, and it's killing me. I can't stand the idea of the boys separated. It's one thing for me to take a stand, I'm the father, I have to lay down the law for the family. Maybe it's the Marine in me talking, and maybe it's not the right thing to do all the time, but it's gotten us this far. Now I'm questioning myself. Brothers have to stick together."
"Brothers have to stick together."
"Brothers have to stick together."
"Brothers have to stick together."
Dean closes the journal. He doesn't have to read anymore. He doesn't need a clue. Or anything, really.
Brothers have to stick together.
That's all he needs to read.