AuthorsNote - Spoilers for Episode 6 of Series 2. I saw the brief trailer and the snippet of conversation between Anna and Mr Bates. This is what I would like to think might happen after their conversation. Thanks go to GS for her support and ideas.

Disclaimer - The title for this story and the lyrics were written by Trading Yesterday. No copyright infringement intended. Downton Abbey and its characters are owned by Julian Fellowes and ITV. I'm just borrowing them for a short while, I promise to give them back.

Rating - T – Yes, I'm afraid so. My first DA story is a smutty one but it's quite tame really.

Shattered

By

LadyLizbeth

Yesterday I died, tomorrow's bleeding
Fall into your sunlight
The future's open wide beyond believing
To know why hope dies
Losing what was found, a world so hollow
Suspended in a compromise
The silence of this sound is soon to follow
Somehow sundown

Climbing down the steps which led to the servant's hallway had never seemed so tortuous to him. As he passed Mrs Hughes' room he could hear Anna's voice floating along the hallway. She sounded like she was in good spirits, no doubt a result of his imminent return from London.

As far as Anna knew he had been attending to some business regarding his mother's house. The reality of the situation was that he had travelled to London to make one final attempt to rid himself of Vera, once and for all. He was to face Vera in court and when the Decree Absolute was issued he'd be free of her forever.

Anna knew nothing of the threats that his ex-wife spat with venom towards Sir Richard Carlisle. All Anna believed was that Vera had been thwarted in her plan to bring scandal upon the Grantham family. That soon they would be making plans of their own to marry and so he didn't like to raise her hopes by telling her the true reason for his trip.

The train journey back had been a painful one. Not just because his leg had chosen the worst possible moment to trouble him, but also because he kept going over in his head the words that Vera had delivered in court with such vitriol.

He moved closer to the door and could now see Anna, sitting comfortably in her chair. No one sat beside her as that was "his" place. There had long been an unspoken rule in the servant's hall that Mr Bates sat beside Anna and that was always respected. Even by Thomas, strange as it might seem.

He watched her silently; her face was glowing with warmth and kindness as she continued her conversation with Daisy. Turning away he leaned heavily on his cane and dropped his head in despair. How could he possibly impart his news to her, shatter her dreams, just as he had, so many times before. She deserved so much more from him and he would never be able to give it to her.

This day's ending is the proof of time killing all the faith I know
knowing that faith is all I hold

Taking a final glance he turned to climb the stairs. All he wanted to do was put down his bag and collapse onto his bed. He knew it was a cowardly thought, but he wanted darkness to take him and he wasn't all that certain that he had the strength to see the light again.

"Mr Bates, I see you're back," called out Mrs Hughes as she popped her head out of her room.

"Mr Carson has just dealt with his Lordship, so you don't need to worry about attending to him this evening. I know someone who will be glad to see you though," she smiled kindly, as she nodded her head towards the open door in front of him.

With a weary sigh he turned back to the open door. "Yes, of course. I was just about to say hello."

Anna was already straining to see him, after hearing Mrs Hughes welcome him back and as he entered the room she cast him such a joyous glance that just for a moment his heart leaped as he forgot about the obstacles that lay in their path.

And I've lost who I am
And I can't understand
Why my heart is so broken
Rejecting your love

"Hello," she said, as he walked round the table towards her.

Dipping his head slightly so that they could talk discreetly, he noticed from the corner of his eye that Daisy was now walking away from the table. No doubt allowing them what little privacy she could.

"I've missed you," Anna whispered, as she placed her hand on top of his.

"I've only been gone for two days." Bates smiled, marvelling in the love that Anna held for him.

"I know, but I have," she said, squeezing his hand a little tighter. "You look tired. Would you like me to see if there's anything left for you to eat? I'm sure Mrs Patmore wouldn't mind."

"No… I think I'll go and take these up to my room." Bates raised his bag and coat to indicate to her that he needed to get settled back in.

"Oh, of course," Anna replied, a little disappointed that he wasn't going to sit with her a while before retiring to bed. "Will you come back down? I would love to hear any news you have of the house."

Her face was so full of hope. Oh how he loved Anna Smith, but he also knew that because he loved her so much he had to release her from the deceitful hold that he had upon her. For so long he'd been telling her that they didn't have long to wait, that they would soon be married. She had been prepared to wait for him even though he knew that she really did not care if he was married or not. He thought no less of her for that. She was the most true and virtuous woman he had ever met and he suddenly felt a huge void in his chest as he realised that he must be truthful to her now, he could not wait a moment longer.

Without love gone wrong
Lifeless words carry on

But I know, all I know
Is that the ends beginning

"Yes, I'll be down again presently." He withdrew his hand from her grasp and after showing her a weak smile, he silently left the room.

As Anna watched him limp wearily up the stairs she could sense his melancholy mood. After nearly six years of watching and studying John Bates she knew him probably as well as his mother had and she could tell that something was amiss.

Anna waited patiently as one by one the servants all retired to their rooms. Mrs Hughes, who had sensed that all was not well with Mr Bates, walked into the servant's hall to check that everyone, had finally gone upstairs.

"Anna, what on earth are you still doing down here?"

"I was waiting for Mr Bates. He said he would come back down after he'd unpacked," Anna sighed.

"Well, he did look very tired, perhaps he decided to go to bed," suggested the Housekeeper.

"Yes, I expect you're right." Anna smiled as she pushed herself up from her seat. "I'll say goodnight then."

"Goodnight, Anna. Try not to worry," Mrs Hughes added with a reassuring smile.

The two women departed in opposite directions. Mrs Hughes back to her sitting room and Anna to climb the stairs. As she reached its foot she heard the unmistakable tap of Mr Bates' cane on the steps above her.

He rounded the corner and saw her waiting patiently below him.

"I'd just about given up on you," she laughed.

As he made it down to the hallway he reached for her arm and pulled her gently over to the wall.

"Anna, there's something that I have to tell you about my trip to London," he whispered.

Anna gave no reply and therefore he took that as a prompt to continue.

"I wasn't entirely truthful to you. I did go to deal with some matters regarding the house, but I also attended court to hear news of the Decree Absolute."

John felt a sharp stabbing pain through his heart as Anna's face lit up in expectation. Struggling to remain composed, coursing through his veins a mixture of hatred for Vera and despair for his beloved Anna, he gained a modicum of control and continued.

"She's only gone and told the judge that I paid her to agree to a divorce…. It means I'm not divorced after all."

"Please, John; tell me that this is just some silly joke of yours. Lady Mary dealt with the situation, Vera's had her money. What more does she want from us?"

"She wants me to die a lonely man. She cannot bear to see me happy and therefore she will never grant me a divorce. I am shackled to her forever." His head dropped, finally broken and defeated by years of fighting.

Placing her hand beneath his chin she gently raised his head so that she could see into his eyes. Eyes, which gave away his shattered soul.

"We are going to be together whether she likes it or not."

All this time spent in vain
Wasted years
Wasted gain
All is lost
Hope remains
And this war's not over

"I'm sorry, Anna. I cannot allow you to waste one more second on me. I have done nothing but let you down. I made you a promise that I could not keep and I was a fool to think otherwise. I hope in time you'll come to forgive me."

As he began to turn away from her she grabbed his arm firmly and swung him round. She would not let him walk away from her this time. She had allowed him to leave without a fight once before but never again.

"Don't walk away from me. If I'm not prepared to let that woman beat us then why should you?"

"Because I know her, Anna. She will stop at nothing until she sees me broken and you ruined. As long as we are together she will never give up. Tomorrow I will resign from Lord Grantham's employment. I shall work my notice and then I have to go."

"No. I won't let you do this," Anna sobbed. "You won't walk away from me, not again."

"Please Anna; I do this because I love you. Always remember that." Tears coursed down his cheeks and he pulled his arm away from her roughly and strode back up the stairs.

Anna stared after him. A mixture of emotions buzzed around her body. She felt an intense hatred for Vera, anger towards him for giving up on her and despair that she could do nothing to stop herself from losing the only man she knew she would ever love. Her sobs continued as Mrs Hughes came scuttling from her room once more.

"Anna, forgive me but I heard what has just passed between you and Mr Bates. Please don't think me out of turn for saying this, but maybe it is for the best. Nothing good can come of the two of you now."

"No, you're wrong, he's wrong," Anna spat as she started to follow in his path.

"If you are going after Mr Bates I strongly advise against it Anna," Mrs Hughes, warned sternly. "Please think before you do anything hasty. It would be best if you left things now. Wait until the morning. Nothing seems as bad in the daylight hours."

"Goodnight Mrs Hughes," Anna replied bluntly as she made her way up to the women's corridor. Anger raged within her and she knew that she would not settle until she had seen him.

~x~

Mr Bates stood with his back to the closed door of his room. He had no idea how their situation had become so desperate. For a brief moment he wished that Vera had never returned and that he and Anna were just as they were. They would have been no nearer to being together properly but at least they would still have had each others company, something he dearly treasured.

The thought of hurting her once again was almost too much to bear. He remembered when he walked away from her as she sobbed in the courtyard. All he had wanted to do was to take her in his arms and soothe her, drive away the cruel world and keep her safe for eternity.

Seeing her downstairs once again had brought the nightmare back to haunt him. He knew he had to be out of her life for ever now; it was unfair to torture her any longer. Soon he would be gone and she would move on, she had to move on.

As he thought of a desolate life without Anna to keep him afloat, his eyelids squeezed shut as he fought to stem the flow of tears welling again in his eyes.

~x~

Standing before the dividing door between the men's and women's corridor, Anna considered Mrs Hughes words. She knew that the housekeeper was only trying to stop her from suffering anymore pain. Her advice was good and Anna knew it, but the overwhelming desire to see John again and to convince him that they could be together, was far too much for her.

There had been a time when she would never have considered crossing the line, of going beyond that door. Indeed, she had done it only once when she had Mr Carson's blessing to do so. But since Vera Bates had appeared, Anna found herself saying and feeling things that she would never have believed she could a few years ago.

Anna was prepared to do whatever it would take to have Mr Bates. As far as she was concerned there would never be another man who could ever live up to him in her expectations. She knew he had flaws, bigger ones than most men, but they were in the past and he had more than proved himself to be a loyal friend and an honourable man. Vera was manipulative and scheming and her actions were beyond his control, for that she could feel no anger towards him. She did however feel great disappointment that he would not or could not contemplate being with her on different terms.

She cared not one jot that he was married. She had waited long enough and if they could never be married then she would have him as he was, she had already told him as much.

All she knew was that she had to make him see that they were meant to be together come what may. Yes, there would be huge problems. They would be cast out from Downton, social lepers, but she didn't care, as long as she had him.

Who I am from the start
Take me home to my heart
Let me go
And I will run
I will not be silenced

Grabbing the key that hung by the door side she turned it in the lock and then returned it to the hook. Closing the door behind her she took great care not to make a sound. The last thing she needed was Thomas appearing to enquire of her actions.

"Mr Bates," she said in hushed tones as she knocked gently on his door.

There came no reply. "John, please open the door," she pleaded with him.

Having removed his jacket, waistcoat and shirt, John Bates sat on the edge of his bed, head in hands, listening to Anna's pleas.

"Go away, Anna, please."

"John, just let me in for heaven's sake, so that we can talk about this."

Not wishing to see Anna discovered in the men's corridor, he decided that it would be safer to let her in. As he opened the door he looked up and saw Anna's kind face. His own, tear stained face must have been quite a sight to her.

Gently pushing her way into his room she closed the door quietly behind her.

They stood for a moment in silence as if to take stock of what had transpired. There was so much love between them that the air was thick with both desire and despair.

It was Anna who spoke first. She could contain her feelings no longer. She knew that he would resist her suggestions but she had to speak her mind, it was now or never.

"Mr Bates, please. You know my feelings for you. I would be with you now if only you would let me. I don't care that you are still married, all I care about is being with you."

"I have nothing to offer you. I can never marry you and I have too much respect to take you as my mistress. Vera has bled me dry, there is nothing left… I have nothing left to give."

"The only thing I want is you, John." Anna reached for his arms. She held him before her and stared into his eyes. She felt him begin to shudder. Her arms slipped around his back and she held him close but his own arms remained by his sides as if he dare not touch her.

Pushing him back once again she saw now that tears began to flow down his cheeks. Carefully she brushed them away from his face. As they continued to fall she reached up and pressed gentle kisses onto his cheeks where the tears fell.

The feel of Anna's lips against his skin was intoxicating. He was torn between his head and his heart. His head told him that she had to stop, that he had to be cruel to save her from a life that was not worthy of her. Yet his heart wanted her to continue, his heart wanted him to react to her touch.

"Please, Anna. I can't do this," he cried, as he tried to push her away but Anna just increased the intensity of her kisses. She slowly found his mouth and kissed all over his lips. Still he resisted the urge to capture her mouth with his, to devour her as he had dreamed of a thousand times before.

He stood statue like as she cupped his face with her hands. She swept away the stray lock of hair from his forehead.

"Anna, I have nothing left," he whimpered.

"You have me, John. You'll always have me," she whispered softly, as her hands slowly crept under his vest and around his back. She pulled him closely to her and reached up to his lips once more. This time he conceded and responded to her touch.

Grabbing her around the waist he turned her roughly until she was forced up against the door. Anna could see the dark look of desire in his eyes. Rarely had he allowed himself to lose so much control. His hands now sought out her wrists as he pinned them to her sides so that she couldn't move. Not that she had any intention of moving.

Anna's heart began to beat rapidly as she watched as he leaned in towards her neck. She could feel his ragged breath on her skin. His lips grazed against her delicate flesh as he savoured her smell. Hungrily his mouth travelled across her jaw line until he could resist the moist warmth of her mouth no longer.

He kissed her deeply and she allowed his tongue to slip past her lips. As they explored each other, never had she felt such a connection with him. Their bodies were so close and she could feel his desire, warm and hard against her.

Having released her wrists Bates now pulled Anna even closer to him and her hands snaked over his shoulder blades. She ran her fingers through the short hair on the back of his neck as they continued to drown in each other.

Reaching for the bottom of his vest she slowly drew it up his body. After hesitating only momentarily he lifted his arms to allow her to remove it completely.

She wasn't sure what she had expected to see beneath the starched shirts and tight waistcoat but she knew that she wasn't disappointed. He was a strong, sturdy man with broad shoulders and a wide chest which was covered in coarse dark hair. Anna placed her hands on his chest as she stared into his eyes. She saw pain there and regret but she also saw the love that he held for her and after a moment of unspoken reassurance she trailed her fingers down across his stomach to the waist band of his trousers.

His hands quickly covered hers. "We can't, Anna. This is wrong,"

he tried to reason with her.

"How can this be wrong, John? We love each other so much and I know that you have tried for so long to do the right thing. But look at poor William and Daisy. He loved that girl more than anything and time ran out. I'm not prepared to let that happen to us." She took hold of his arm and led him across to his bed.

"Show me what it is like to be a married woman, John." As Anna began to undo the buttons of her dress, Bates felt any remaining resolve he may have had disappear in the flood of emotions that swept over him.

"If Vera thinks she's stopped us from being happy together then she's wrong. I told you that I don't care whether you are married to her. We will be together; I won't let her stop us"

Anna stepped out of her dress and walked towards his outstretched hand. He guided her carefully onto the bed next to him.

"Oh, Anna. I've dreamt of this moment so many times but…" His words trailed away as his head fell and he no longer held her adoring gaze.

"Go on," she reassured him with a gentle squeeze of his hand.

"In my dreams it is always our wedding night. You look so beautiful, just as you do now. It cannot be as it would be if we were married, you do know that, my love? There would be too many consequences to face."

"I know, John. I might be an innocent but I do know some things. I'm happy to take whatever you'll give. More than happy." Anna pushed him slowly down onto the bed and he took her hand in his and made sure that she followed him.

There's a light
There's the sun
Taking all shattered ones
To the place we belong
And this love will conquer all

~x~