Heartsick.
I own nothing. I'm just playing with my fave characters. They're Stephenie Meyers. She rocks my socks!
She's here. Baby Cullen has arrived, a beautiful little girl who is already the apple of her Aunt Roses' eye. Her mother meanwhile, my best friend, isn't really here right now. She's in a kind of limbo as she changes into one of us, it being the only way she can see her precious little one grow up. The birth brought her to the brink of death, the whole pregnancy being a torturous ordeal. In the end Edwards bite was the only thing that could save her.
I sit in the room Jasper and I share staring out of the window at the rain that's so characteristic of this place. I can hear Rose and Emmett playing with the baby down stairs, Esmes pottering around in the garden and Carlisle and Edward are keeping a vigil over Bella. Jaspers gone hunting; leaving me alone here with my thoughts.
Since the baby's birth I've been suffering with headaches, that partly being the reason I haven't really been around my new little niece very much. None of them know the other reason why I haven't been around her, not even Jasper, the love of my life. I know he's worried; he's been able to sense the change of emotions within me. I've gone from the happy little pixie to a kind of tortured soul typical of my brother Edward. The amount of times Jasper has had to put his arm around me and let his calm wash over me in the last few days I'm not even able to count anymore. I just haven't been able to tell him what's wrong. I guess I've never really dealt with it myself before now. So now here I am, shut away in our room, letting the pain overcome me as I break down in sobs and think about what I've lost.
Rose has always been tortured by her inability to have a child of her own. When she was human it was something she so wanted and now, as a vampire, having a child has been stolen away from her even though she now has a man in her life she loves more than anything else in her world and would love to have a baby of her own with. Esme shares the same pain. She lost a baby when she was human, and now as a vampire, with all the love she has to give, she has us to fill the void her baby left in her heart; her vampire body unable to give her a child of her own. Little do they know that I share that pain too. Happy Alice, the pixie like optimist who dances her way through her vampire life, grieving for the baby that she will also never be able to have. None of them any of them have any idea.
I guess when you've spent time in an asylum and seem so happy without something, that people take for granted you don't feel that pain. They can't believe motherhood would be something that ever would have crossed your mind. Rose has always been open about her grief over not being able to have a child. Esmes' beautiful heart is as open as a book, but when they look at me I'm sure they don't see what would have been mother material, they see someone who makes the best out of things. It's my fault really. I've never let them see any pain for my past life and the things that I've lost. Instead I let them see the happy me, the cheerful, carefree woman with the gorgeous husband who fits the missing part of the soul that was so tortured when I was human. They don't know that every time I see a child I ache too, and that when I see baby Cullen my heart can't help but break for what Jasper and I can never have.
Still sobbing I'm not aware of him entering the room until I feel his arms wrap around me gently and his lips tenderly kiss the top of my head. Instead of using his gift to calm me he turns me around to face him and tilts my chin up with his fingers so that I'm looking into his eyes.
"Allie, sweetheart? You gonna tell me what's the matter now?" He asks softly, stroking my hair away from my wet cheeks.
"Take it away Jas. Please take the pain away." I whisper, burying my head against his strong chest.
"It's not just your head is it?" He asks me quietly.
I shake my head.
"I won't take it away Allie. It needs to be dealt with. We need to talk about it. I'm not giving a quick fix for something that's hurting you so badly." He tells me, wrapping his arms more tightly around me and kissing me on top of my head again.
I wrap my arms around him just as tightly and breathe in his scent. I have been in love with this man since the very first moment that I saw him. He's so quiet and shy around other people, but for me, he's everything I need and more. There is no other man for me but Jasper Hale. My husband, my heart, my soul.
"Are you worried about Bella? Is that what this is? Is that why you're so sad?"
I look up at him with my tear filled eyes and shake my head.
"Then what is it baby? Please?" He pleads and the worry in his eyes breaks my heart. "I can feel your pain. It runs so deep."
I wipe my eyes with shaky hands and lead him over to the sofa in the corner of the room. We sit down and entwine our fingers. I rest my head on his shoulder.
"Do you ever think about what we could have had if we were human?" I ask him quietly.
"I have everything that I need now, as I am. I have you." He tells me, playing with my wedding ring as he talks.
I don't know how to begin to explain to him how I'm feeling. How can someone who's so content understand what it feels like to grieve for a part of you that's missing?
"Don't you ever...? I can't do this. You're going to think I'm so stupid." I tell him tearfully, getting up and going back over to the rain battered window.
Before I've even stood still he's back over at the window with me. My small form is wrapped in his arms again and his lips are kissing the top of my head.
"You are anything but stupid. Don't you ever say that. I would never think that." He scolds, but not angrily. He's concerned.
"I am so happy with you Jas. You are everything to me, and you will be for eternity. For as long as we live I'm yours."
"And I'm yours." He reassures me as he rests his chin on my shoulder. "Always."
"But I ache Jas. So deeply. I ache because..."
He turns me around to face him again and brushes the tears away from my cheeks with his fingertips.
"Because..." He prompts.
"Because something's missing. Rose isn't the only one who feels pain over not being able to have something that she wanted so badly. I feel it too. I'm a woman. When I was human I wanted what most women want. A lovely husband, a nice house...a baby..."
Understanding flickers into his eyes and his expression becomes pained.
"People forget that. They think because I had such an awful life as a human there's no way I could have wanted those things...but I did...and now I have a husband who is so much more to me than I ever thought possible but we can never have...we can never..."
I break down again and bury my head in his chest. I cling onto his shirt as I cry.
"Oh Allie...sweetheart..." He whispers, his own voice breaking.
"And now Bella's baby's here...she and Edward have everything...and while I'm so, so happy that I have you and have such a wonderful family...and while I'm so happy for Bella and Edward, every time I see that baby girl..."
"In all of our time together you've never said..." He tells me and I can see the hurt in his eyes.
"Why bring up something that you can't change? I didn't want to burden us with that. Not when we're so happy. I didn't want you to think that I was unhappy with us...because you I could never be unhappy with." I reassure him.
"You should have told me squirt." He murmurs, holding me even tighter to him. "I'm so sorry Allie."
I cup his cheek in the palm of my hand.
"You have nothing to be sorry for. I wouldn't change my life Jas. The only thing I would do differently is give you a child if I could."
He spins me around gently so I'm looking at the rain falling outside. He pulls me to him so his chest is pressed against my back and his hands fall to my stomach where they rest.
"I have thought about it too." He whispers into my shoulder. "I've always wondered how you felt about us not being able to have a child of our own. The ironic thing is I never thought about having children until I met you...the one woman I wanted to spend all eternity with...who I could never give a baby to...who could never give a baby to me..."
"It really is ironic. What we are...I don't have regrets about our lives, about our choice of how to live, about any of it...but sometimes...I'd give anything to have been human and met you just so we had that chance to be parents."
He rubs my stomach tenderly and I feel a wetness on my shoulder. My beautiful husband is crying for the baby we've never had and it tears my heart to pieces.
"At least this way we have an eternity together. How many couples can say that?" he asks, his voice rough with tears.
I smile and I can feel him smiling behind me.
"You would be a wonderful father Jas." I tell him honestly. "With all that love in your heart you would be a perfect daddy."
"You'd be a wonderful mommy. You would have so much to give our child. It's okay to grieve for that." He reassures me.
"I'm sorry I've brought it all up and made you grieve for it to." I tell him looking at the floor.
He turns me around to face him, cups both cheeks with his hands and kisses me softly on the lips.
"You are my wife. I married you because you're part of me. You have been since the moment I laid eyes on you in that cafe. We share everything Allie. I do share your pain with this. I do. It needed to be spoken about. You are never to be sorry for how you feel."
I stand on my tiptoes and kiss him.
"I love you."
"I love you to princess. Who knows, Bella and Edward had their miracle. Maybe one day we'll get ours. It may not be in a natural way, but you never know what the future has in store. All we can do right now with this is keep talking. The little one out there needs her Aunt Alice. I bet she's itching to get to know you."
"Edwards going to think I'm so awful for avoiding her."
"Of course he's not. How you feel is understandable. How we both feel is understandable. We've all sacrificed a lot and we all have to live with that pain. Edward's probably completely aware of this conversation and is just as worried about you as I am."
"I'll be okay. I do love her you know...the baby..." I tell him, feeling so guilty that I've been shutting myself away for my own selfish reasons.
"She just makes you realise what we've not got. You look at her and you think, I wonder what our baby would look like? Would he or she have my light hair or you dark hair? Your perfect nose? Your mouth or mine? And most importantly would momma or dada be its first word?" He tells me quietly and I realise he has been affected just as much as I have.
"You really have thought about it." I whisper and brush a tear away from his cheek.
"Of course I have. When you're with someone you love its natural. It's us that aren't natural." He tells me a little sadly.
"I bet its first word would be dada." I tell him running my fingers down his cheek and kissing their path.
"I don't know. Its mother would be pretty doting I think. I'd bet it would be something to do with you..." He tells me but stops as he sees the sadness welling in my eyes again. "We're gonna be okay Allie. Baby or not, we have each other. The love that we have...it's enough. We'll get through this."
"I know baby. The first step to healing the wound's already been taken by talking. I'm sorry we didn't do it sooner."
"I am too sweetheart. I knew you were struggling. I just didn't know how to step in. I should have tried..."
"Hey you. Don't blame yourself. You can't talk before you're ready. Today, this moment...was the right time." I reassure him. I take his hands in my own, hold them up to his chest and kiss him again.
"You ready to spend some time with your niece?" Jasper asks me.
The emotions in me stir again and I feel tears building behind my eyes. Still I nod. The door to our room opens and Edward walks in with the baby in his arms, Jacob following behind him and standing protectively in the doorway. I can tell by Edwards face he knows the torture I've been going through since the baby's birth and the look of sadness that he gives me threatens to pierce my already fragile heart.
"I'm so sorry Alice." He whispers quietly, nodding at Jasper too in understanding and support.
Jasper puts a hand on the small of my back and walks with me to Edward and the little one. I pull the blanket away from her face and look at her properly for the first time. She really is beautiful. So tiny and perfect.
"Can I..." I ask, amazed at the fear in my voice.
"Of course you can...if you're sure." Edward asks.
I nod meekly and hold out my arms in which Edward places little baby Cullen. Jaspers arm remains around me the whole time, and I periodically feel his lips touch the top of my head.
"Hello sweet pea. I'm your Aunt Alice. You are beautiful...just like your mom. Another beautiful Cullen in the family...I'm so sorry I haven't spent much time with you yet. I promise you I will...we have so much shopping to to." I whisper and give her forehead and tiny nose a little kiss.
The baby coos happily in my arms and I smile at her, stroking her rosy cheek.
I look up at Jasper who turns away, a solitary tear running down his own cheek as he fills with emotion from seeing me holding the tiny little girl in my arms.
"Would you like to hold her?" I ask my husband softly. He discreetly wipes his eyes and turns back around to face me. He nods. I carefully place her in Jaspers arms and immediately know what made him tearful when he was watching me with her. Seeing him cradling that tiny little girl in his strong arms really brings home to me just what we've missed.
I place a hand on his back and watch his face as he chats away to her, my other hand stroking her little face. There's a mixture of sadness and joy there in his eyes. He's going to be a fantastic uncle, and that's when I realise that maybe this baby shouldn't be a reminder of what we don't have but a blessing. We may not be able to have our own child, but we do have a niece who needs us. At least one Cullen has been blessed with a baby of their own.
The little one starts to cry and Jasper hands her back to Edward. He gives us an understanding smile and then leaves with Jacob close behind.
Jasper and I turn to each other and wrap our arms around each other, both holding each other close.
"You looked so natural with her Allie. So happy. I am so sorry for what you must be feeling sweetheart. I know how it made me feel...I could sense how hard it was for you."
"You looked natural with her too. Seeing a baby in those strong arms I love...It's just right. But you know what? Rosalie and Emmett, you and I...this pain we feel...at least Edward doesn't have to feel that. Maybe one Cullen having a baby of their own...maybe that's enough." I tell him.
I know the pain of never having our own baby will always be with us, but I am so glad that Bella and Edward never have to feel what I have felt these last few days.
"My unselfish little pixie." He whispers into my hair, rubbing circles into my back with his fingers.
I stand on my tiptoes and pull his head down to my height, kissing his forehead, his nose and then his lips.
"I have an idea..." I whisper softly.
Just an hour later we are at a little river in the forest that surrounds our house. Its dark now and the stars are glistening in the night's sky, making little patterns on the water as it ripples in the breeze. In one hand we hold a little bottle, each with a letter in which is written for the baby we can never have. Our remaining fingers are tightly entwined.
"You ready?" Jasper whispers to me quietly.
I nod, sniffing as a tear rolls down my cheek. We lean down to the river and place the bottles onto the water, the current soon pulling them away from us. Of course no outsider reading them will understand our letters. They could be from any parent who has lost a child, but for us it will always be our special way of saying goodbye to the baby we could never have; and while the pain will always be with us, will have helped us to move on just that little bit more than we would have otherwise.
"Goobye baby." I whisper into the breeze.
Jaspers arms both envelop me tightly from behind and I find his hands resting on my stomach again as we mourn the baby we never had. The bottles hit together as they travel down the river and making a chiming sound in the wind.
"It's all going to be okay." He whispers into my ear before kissing my neck tenderly. "I am going to take care of you...always..."
"And I you." I promise as I turn around and put a hand on his heart. "We'll always miss what we couldn't have, I know that, but the little one needs us doesn't she? We have to be there for her, Edward and Bella. That's why I wanted to do this...to help us...so we can be there for her without being so sad."
"It was a lovely idea." He whispers to me softly. "And a beautiful sentiment for our much wanted Grace."
"Or Jack." I add, thinking of the baby names we put in the notes and smiling softly as I think of Jasper holding his little niece in his arms.
"Shall we go home?" he then asks as he rubs my back.
For a moment I stand there, once again enjoying his embrace, but then I nod. We have an eternity to be together but right now we're needed at home. I take his hand in mine and give him a gentle kiss before we get ready to run. I really do love my beautiful husband; the man holding both my hand and my heart, and I know we'll get through this, as we do always...together.