second fic I'm uploading ^^ it went pretty well for the other one so I think I got over powered with confidence and so on...hehe. we'll se if it was just begginers luck...
biggest thanks to Ruby Tuesday-chan for being my beta! so if anything's bugging you it's all her fault! mohahaha.... no
the big D: do not own bleach
the big W: this is yaoi, BL, boy love, boyXboy, manXman, and sence it's Renji and Ichigo its ileagal to sence Ichi is a minor, and Renji is dead. Ichi is a necrophailiac XD
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chemical crawl
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I crawl along the wall in my room, trying to get myself to the bathroom so my insides won't land on the floor. My hands feel numb and that makes it hard to rely on them.
Why must my ego be so big? Why must I have blood at my feet and a sword in me to be able to ask for something? Why must I be so weak? Why can't I help you?
I feel a shooting pain in my knee, as if someone just stabbed me and I look down to see that I've put it in crushed glass. And it's just now that I realize. I'm crawling in glass. I lift one of my numb hands to my face. As the pressure lifts my hand fills with blood again, blood that's leaking out of the many small cuts that covers my palm.
It fascinates me and I forget about my insides that I was supposed to get into the bathroom, and I lay down on my back in the glass instead. Lifting my red dripping palms over my face. I let the blood flow along my long fingers, gathering into big drops at my fingertips before they fall and splash at my face. I move my hands and one by one they start to fall into my mouth.
The bitter taste of dirt and iron spreads in my mouth. It feels as if my cheeks crack when my mouth spreads to a wide grin and I can't help but do it over and over again until the feeling's gone.
The numbness starts to disappear and an incredible pain attacks my back. Go figure.
I'm lying with glass in my back, in my knees and in my palms, the blood is trying to flood out of the small cuts and all I can think about is you. Everywhere it's you.
I know everything about you and still I don't know you. Because you can save the world, but I cant get how you do it.
If you have the whole world on your shoulders...what the hell are you standing on? This is my mind is going out of track. If the chemicals weren't in my mind I would know that the world isn't litterly on your shoulders, but still, what do you stand on? Cause everyone relies on someone, maybe its that their mom or dad who will put food on the table, that the pay check will come through the mail box every month, that someone will drive the subway...okay maybe that's going a bit to far, but still, who do you stand on, Ichigo?
Rukia? No, Rukia trust you more than you trust her. Ishida? No, it just doesn't feel right. Maybe Chad, you seem to understand each other pretty good, cause it sure as hell isn't Orihime, she's on your shoulder, big time. Just another of those who drag you down.
I wish it could be me, that I was the only one who could save the guy who could save the world. The power. The all mighty god. I would be like... like, like Aphrodite, the only one who was strong enough to not screw Zeus. But I want to screw Ichigo, big time. No, not like Aphrodite, she doesn't have anything whit the thing to do.
If you put two infinite things together, does it become bigger? Can it? It's already infinite, right? But if you put two things together it will always become more...? It's as if you should take the universe, that has no end and put it in another universe...can you even do something like that? There's no sense in that the universe should have an end, but that a wall should stop it, where's the sense in that? The logic in the logic is that there's no logic.
It's ringing in my ears, well, not really ringing, it's more like the sound of... of... the sound of purple and orange together. No purple and light green. Yeah, green. Like when its ants war on TV, and you crawl really close to the screen and you see purple and green in the black and white. That kind of purple and green is ringing in my ears.
The glass in my back hurts and I think I should take myself to the bathroom before my insides land upon the floor. These chemicals are wearing off, it makes me think to much. I love you. Where's that bag? I had it before I wound up on the floor.
I roll around to my stomach, so that I can take a look around the room. It's a mess. Where does all this glass come from? I should buy plastic things in the future, they don't break as easily. Ah, there's that bag. It's lying by the kitchen door and I start my journey towards it. Light comes and it makes the shattered glass glimmer. Oh, shit, that means someone opened the door. This is gonna be a drag.
I roll over to my back again to look at who ever it was that didn't bother knocking. All I can see is the sun. I love you. Where's that bag? My apartment isn't big, why is it so hard to get to it? The sun walks into my apartment. Shit. I roll over to my stomach again, I don't want to be here anymore.
It walks around me and kneels down before me so that it's in my view again. "What the hell are you doing?" the sun says. Yeah, what the hell are I'm doing? I love you.
"Thinking." I shouldn't think, it isn't my thing to do. It doesn't fit me.
"Didn't know you had a brain." I should have seen that one coming. You always pick the best time to drop the worst lines. The sun looks down on me and it mocks me but still it looks bothered. Those eyes that make you feel so guilty. How long do I have to lay here to sink into the floor? Probably a few hundred years. I don't have the patience to wait that long.
"What the hell do you stand on?" Yeah, that's good, try to change the subject. The easiest way to get an answer it to ask. Right?
"The floor, stupid." I should have seen that one coming.
"I didn't mean it like that..." Oh, this brain-dead kid, I just want to beat you to the floor. The concerning gaze leaves me. Looks at the floor around me, looks at my bag, and looks at the shattered glass.
"You." What the fuck is this kid saying? Don't make things up just cause they fit in the moment.
"No, really."
"Really, it's you Renji. You're the one who makes me relax, the one who can make me forget and just live for a few minutes." Why does he look at me so serious...and heartbroken...hopeful?
"That's nice." Yeah, at least you count me as a friend.
"Nice?" Yeah stupid, nice. I would want to be so much more.
"Well, I can't really say that I'm jumping out of joy. Cause... cause I like you a lot more" There, I said it, or the chemicals made me say it. Hate me, detest me, get away from me and don't look at me with pity in your eyes. I want to throw up. I want to puke my insides out. I feel like shit and I want to vomit. Where's the bathroom?
"Ichigo-"I get up on my hands and knees again.
"I don't think you get it, I don't just see you as a friend." What is this stupid kid saying? Oh, my stomach. Bathroom, now.
"Bathroom."
"What?" He looks at me and I can't hold it any more.
One. Burning sake fills my mouth and I can feel my cheeks blowing up before I open my mouth and let it all out on the floor. Two. Another load of sake now mixed with bile and vodka and some left overs from yesterday. Four small pieces of ham float around in the mess on the floor.
It feels like that's all, but I know I'm wrong. There's always a third, always. I look up at Ichigo who's looking at me with wide open eyes, shit. That must have blown every chance of him seeing me in any lovable way. My palms hurt.
"Shit." Not really kiddo, it's vomit. Shit comes out the other way. I try to get up on my feet with the wall as a helper, it's not going very well. I stumble forward and Ichigo grabs by arm. It burns and I try to get away but he's not letting go.
"Easy, I'll just help you to the toilet." Okay, I can let him do that "...I promise to not rape yah..." I don't think he meant for me to hear that. It sounds like one of those comments that you want to say but really shouldn't but you can't help yourself and realize that you must get them out of you so you just mutter them as low as you can. And I can hear one of those comments shouting in my own mind.
"...I wouldn't mind you know..."
He helps me to the bathroom just in time. He holds my hair back, witch is not really necessary cause it's already filled with bile and stuff. But still, I like his fingers in my hair.
"Lean over the tub." I do as I'm told, or as I'm lead to. I'm still to out of it to even think about my moves. Cold water hits my scalp and I yelp "sorry."
He's washing my hair. The water flows over my restless arms that are lying over the side. It cleans my wounds and I start to fumble at the pieces that are stuck in my palms.
"You're soaking your arms. Damn baby."
"Hey, at least this baby can buy booze without showing a license."
"Help me get this off." He pulls at my robe and I lift my arms a bit to help him. "Shit." I think I'll give you shit on your birthday, you seem to like it. "Were you doing snow angels in the glass or what?" he turns the water of but I don't move.
I can feel his fingers on my back fiddling in the wounds, it doesn't hurt, it feels kind of numb and actually quite nice. His fingers are at my shoulder, trailing down over my shoulder blades, down my spine, and then they stop.
"Sorry."
"I don't mind."
He put his whole hand down, it's going up my back and rests on my shoulder. I can feel him shifting and now I'm sitting between his thighs. His hand trail down again and goes around my waist and up over my stomach and chest. He leans in and presses his whole chest up my back. I feel so warm. Maybe I overdosed.
I turn. His nose touched my jaw. I put my arm on his lower back and lean over him as he lay down. My knees hurt. His hands are on my shoulders and as I lean down over him they go over my back, pulling me closer. My lips touch his and I can feel blood rushing to them, lips part and I'm licking his lower lip, when he pulls away.... the fuck?
"Yeah, this is nice and all and I would love to continue but, would you mind brushing your teeth first? I'm not so fond of the taste of bile."
"Talk about ruining the moment."
"Sorry." he backs out, giving me a helping hand once he's on his feet. I take it, holding it tight as I still have trouble with standing straight. He sets me down on the toilet, grabbing my toothbrush and opening my mouth.
The toothbrush goes all over my mouth, how much time does this kid lay on brushing his teeth every day? He's damn nit-picky. Finally he's done and I get to spit in the sink, when I stand up and let go of the sink I fall, and he catches me. I'm in his arms, his arms holding me tightly, wrapped around my back, and mine are slung around his neck.
That's when he leaned down and kissed me. Such perfection. I cling to his shoulders with everything I got cause the rest of my body doesn't seem to be working. He sets me down on the toilet again, and kisses my jaw, then my neck. I shudder, I'm sure I took too much.
His teeth bite down next to my collarbone, and it burns, but it feels so nice, those soft lips taking away all pain. He goes lower, kissing my chest, my ribs, his lips never really leave my body as he moves. That light touch tickles me when he moves from my ribs to pelvis.
I moan loud as he dips his tongue down my pelvis. I'd like to dig my hands in those orange locks right now but I can't bring myself to lift my arms. I can't feel him anymore so I look down to se what he's doing, just in time to see him go down on my length. When did I lose my pants? Who cares?
So hot, so soft, those lips. That tongue. I moan, even if my heavy breath is like a moan in it self. Oh, he sucks. Oh, that tongue is pure bliss.
His hands are at my thighs, going upwards to hold onto my hips. They are on my lower back and it feels as if he's hugging me, a lazy hug.
The pressure is building up and I try to hold myself back. I try to warn him but I can't and I lean forward and come in his mouth. My heaving breath is all I can hear and I can't open my eyes for a minute but when I do I see him looking up at me, white stuff dripping from his lips. "I'm sorry." I bring myself to whisper. He closes his mouth, and gulps, no wait, and gulps? Oh fuck did he just swallow? My eyes must have widened because he smiles at me, getting up on his knees and kisses my parted lips.
"I don't mind." He says as he pulls back. And I lick my lower lip, tasting myself, it doesn't taste as bad as I thought. But still, it isn't really good.
"I have an extra toothbrush in the locker" I mutter. He chuckles and get up on his feet and head over to the sink, picking my spare brush out of the bathroom locker. And I watch as the sun brushes its teeth.
Maybe I took an overdose. Where is that bag? Oh well, who cares?
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I acually did a happy ending this time... or sort of....
so what do yah think? should I give this whole writing thing up? ....maybe my first was just a lucky start...