Hey Everyone! Our first parody! It's a little rusty, but It'll get better, promise. Please Read and Review. By the way this is Christine and Celina! We have enjoyed writing this first chapter and hope you enjoy it too. We PROMISE, it get's better. Please Review!
Disclaimer: Don't own them, we never will. It's so sad!
Tidus lay on the coach watching the movie sphere as he ate some potato chips. The screen then focused on a crowd of people who seemed to stand there cheering. "Wonder what's up?" he questioned to himself. Then the sphere focused on a boat, which the screaming people seemed to be staring at. "Hmmm…" Tidus thought, "That boat looks familiar."
Suddenly he heard the announcer speak, "And fans everywhere are waiting for the Zanarkand Abes star player to come out and head for the stadium."
Tidus continued to stare at the sphere; hours of doing that on a boat would turn your brain into mush. "We are all waiting for the Zanarkand Blitzer…."
Tidus continued to stare. "We'll still waiting…"
Staring… "Still waiting…" More staring…
"WOULD you hurry up already?" the announcer yelled, which made Tidus jump up and hit his head on the ceiling. "Ouchie!" he spoke rubbing his head. He quickly ran outside and then everyone laughed at him. "What?" he asked then he looked to where they were pointing and then he yelped and ran back inside. He had forgotten that he was only in his pink bunny boxers. He ran to the closet and rummaged through his clothes. Since he was running out of time he quickly grabbed anything and put it on, regardless if it was matching or not. Which is how he ended up with a very uneven and disproportionate outfit, which still looked good anyway.
He then composed himself and walked out the door, this time fully dressed. The crowd cheered, not for seeing their favorite blitzer, but because this time he was decent. He began walking towards the cheering fans and was blocked by two girls holding two blitzballs. "Can I have your autograph?" one asked with a weird, raspy, sounding voice. "Uhhh… sure… I can give you some medicine for that by the way."
"Me too, good luck tonight" the other spoke. "Nothing to worry about," Tidus spoke, "It's not like I'm going to get hit by rays of light from a giant ball of water which is a form of a monster from a different dimension." (Mwww haa haa lol) He handed the ball back to her and she looked at him strangely. "What?"
He was about to walk away when the first girl stopped him. "Aren't you supposed to ask us where we sit?"
"No…. why should I care……"
"Tia." She answered for him. "Ok, why should I care Tia?"
"Well… I don't know… I just thought…." She looked like she was going to burst into tears so he sighed, "Oh all right! If I score a goal… I'll do this…" He raised his arms and "accidentally" stuck out his middle finger on each hand. The girl's gasped, as did everyone else. "Whoa, whoops, sorry about that. Well you get what I mean."
He then turned and was bombarded by three kids. "Can you sign this?"
"Sure, why not?" as long as they were distracted from his little bunny boxer incident earlier then he would sign blitzballs all day long.
As soon as he was done signing all the blitzballs, he was about to walk to the stadium, the three kids asked him to teach them to play blitzball.
"Uhhh… I kinda have this important thing right now….-"
"Well then teach us after," said one kid, who Tidus cleverly named # 1.
"Ummm… maybe tonight-"
"You can't tonight." A hooded, very tiny, dwarflike in fact, person said. Tidus looked at this new character. "Are you a boy or a girl?"
The hooded dwarf looked up at him, and then huffed and left. "Geez, it was just a question!"
Seeing as how he was really late, he began running towards the stadium. He was running along the bridge, a VERY long bridge, and stopped as he saw a giant building, which showed a giant picture of his father, Jecht. The former star of the Zanarkand Abes, disappeared years ago… blah, blah, blah, whatever, who cares.
He stared at it and then hmphed at the small sign beside it saying that McFuggles burgers were now a dollar and 50 cents more than they originally had been. "Man, food prices." He thought. He paid no attention to the dead man on the screen and continued running.
Now Tidus, cute, charming, and a great blitzer though he was, he had a problem, many problems actually, he had Coprophobia; yep, our beloved Tidus was afraid of feces. He hated it, it made him turn purple and faint. Just the word feces, makes him turn pale. He also had Coulrophobia, fear of clowns, who doesn't really? But since clowns were never there that often in Zanarkand, that was never really a problem. Oh, and the, oh, so dreaded one, Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia; yep, fear of big words. Our Tidus wasn't the smartest guy in the world, and had a fear for big terminology, especially one's he couldn't understand. So if you ever want to tell him he has Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia, then I suggest you tell him in a simpler manner, one that does not require the use of big words.
He had another irrational or rational fear (depends on how you look at it), which did not suite him well in the surroundings he was in, acrophobia, the dreaded fear of heights. Yes, which is why he ran as fast as he could across the bridge. "Got to get off, have to get off." He thought to himself as he continued to run across the bridge. Our poor Tidus, was dead afraid of heights, which wasn't good in the city of Zanarkand which was in fact, made solely on altitude. He paid no attention to the announcer guy who was busy remembering something completely useless. He stopped for a second, maybe it wasn't so worthless, he listened to the anchor.
"I was so shocked when I found out what's-his-name had disappeared- what? I can't hear you…. What? Oh, Jecht! That's right Jecht…. So anyway Jecht had disappeared, eaten by a giant squid- What? Would you speak up? Oh! Sorry, he vanished into thin air. Is that right? Okay. My dad and I never talked to soooooo much, well actually that's not saying a lot… my dad's deaf, so we use sign language… so what I meant to say was we never signed so much… get it? Signed so much!" With that, the broadcaster began laughing hysterically. "Okay…. " Tidus thought as he once again began running towards the Stadium.
"What? Oh sorry, folks. Anyway…. What….. oh yeah. The Jecht memorial cup thingy is today and seeing as how we have nothing to do here in Zanarkand, we should go watch! Here are the Zanarkand Abes from the A- something and the Duggles from South something, well just come watch okay!"
Tidus blocked out the announcer as he continued to run down the long bridge. Up ahead he saw Tia and she waved at him. He nodded to her and continued running and then once again he saw Tia. "Hey Tia-"
Whoa wait…. He turned back to Tia who was waving at him. Didn't he just pass her… unless there was another girl with the same pink vest and brown skirt… He shook his head and continued running. He neared a group of teens, which were his number one fans. "Hey Bob, George, Leo, Cylene, Tia, Mat-"
What? He turned again and saw Tia once more waving to him. "What the hell?" Before he could muse any longer, he was hit with the realization that he was still on the bridge. "Oh dang! Got to get off!" he ran, almost blind in panic, across the remainder of the bridge. As he walked off it, he turned around. "I wish that bridge would blow up." He muttered before continuing to his journey.
A few minutes later, he let out a sigh of relief. He saw the huge Blitzball Stadium at last. But he froze as he neared the entrance. Thousands of people were surrounding it. Not surprising except they stared at him, all frozen, with a look of pure awe and hunger. "Uhhh…" Tidus spoke as he saw that they began walking toward him in a Zombie-like trance. Tidus fought the urge to run as he realized he was going to be extremely late so he closed his eyes and ran though the crowd. "Hey, make way! Coming through! Hey let go of me! Hey don't touch that!" He was trying to pull away from a Zombie-like grandma when he saw a rock and lunged for it. He picked it up and raised it.
"I have a ROCK! Mineral matter composed in masses of large quantities in the earth's crust by the action of heat, water, or other elemental sources like the above" With that he ran past the stunned zombie people and congratulated himself on looking up the word rock when he tripped over one a few days before.
Tidus sighed as he sat on the Blitzball sitting area for players. Of course since he had been late and missed the final practice he had been sent to sit there in the dark. He sighed as he fell asleep.
Moments later he was awakened by the thundering rock music that boomed through the Stadium. "Ouch!" he cried, "What ever happened to the classics, like Beethoven?"
He walked out of the arena and then he saw a blast of light as the blitzball, water, sphere was being made. He looked around and almost wet himself. "Oh holy! How did I get up here?" He looked around franticly at the cheering fans and spotted Tia waving at him. His eyes narrowed as he recalled the strange Tia clone mystery he hadn't solved. As he began to think about it , he lost his balance and fell into the sphere. "Ow! Damn."
Up on one of the buildings, walked a muscular man with a long red trench coat, and a jug filled with a mixture of alcoholic beverages. He walked unsteady as the effects of the alcohol were getting to him. He turned to watch the ocean and saw it begin to rise. He raised his jug and toasted. "To you… hic giant ball of water! All hail hic giant hic ball of hic water!" He then took a swig of his jug and fell off the building.
Tidus swam back and forth inside the Sphere as his team passed the ball to each other. The Duggles grabbed the ball so Tidus got in front of the player who had it and literally did the bootie dance in front of him causing him to look at him stunned. One of the Abes then proceeded to tackle the stunned player and regain control of the ball. Tidus grinned and made the peace sign, as the audience cheered him on. Soon it was time for his famous Sphere Snot, (No I spelled it right, Sphere Snot lol) The Abes got together and all helped Tidus to do that unworldly jump that he always did. As the blitzball and himself flew in the air Tidus covered the ball in snot, his snot to be precise, so it would be slimy enough to fly through the air easier, but as he was going to kick it. He saw a giant sphere of water shoot beams directly at him. "That's what I call ironic." Was his last thought before the Stadium exploded.
Tidus flew in the air and grabbed a ledge and held on. "Oh damn!" he cursed as he realized that his still snot covered fingers slipped off and he fell. "That's the last time I EVER do that again!" he shouted as he fell.
A few minutes later Tidus got up, and rubbed his head and other sensitive areas of his body. "Ow! Stupid heights! If we were on the ground we wouldn't HAVE this problem." He turned and walked and then saw a muscular man in red. "Auron!"
Said drunken man that had fallen off a building before, chocked as he was drinking from his jug. "What?" he yelled. Tidus got closer and then said, "What's up man?"
"What's up," Auron answered as they bumped fists. Tidus leaned against a large chunk of the stadium as he calmly said, "You know… the stadium just exploded."
"Yeah," Auron replied. "That water thing might destroy all of Zanarkand."
"Yeah"
"We might die"
"Yeah"
"Should we… you know… run?"
"Yeah"
With that intelligent conversation over they began to run across…. Yep, the BRIDGE!
"Aw man!" Tidus whined. "I had just crossed that thing half an hour ago."
As he was running behind Auron he watched with fascination as Auron drank from his jug. "Hey! What's that you have in there?"
Auron stopped and turned to him. "Well?" Tidus asked, "What is it? Vodka, Bloody Mary, Tequila?"
"It's my moo-moo." Auron spoke sharply. "What?"
"It's my moo-moo."
Tidus stared at him…. "What?"
"I said, it's my-"
"Moo-moo, yeah I know. What the heck is moo-moo?"
Auron glared at him and then hugged the jug to himself. "MY moo-moo! MINE!"
"Ok, ok. Sheesh," seeing, the always serious Auron, acting in such a manner, he made a vow to himself, saying he would NEVER drink alcohol of any kind. (See people? Alcohol is bad! Lol Especially moo-moo! lol)
They began running again when Tidus saw Tia run past him. He shrugged it off until a few minutes later she passed him again. "Man, I must be a slow runner cause she passed me twice, hey!" he thought.
He stopped running and stood still and then sure enough, Tia ran past him again. But this time he caught up with Tia and grabbed her arm. "Ok, how are you doing that?" he asked. Tia looked up at him, her eyes questioning. "Doing what?"
"That!" Tidus pointed as he saw another Tia running behind them. "Wait… there are two Tia's?"
"I'm not Tia!" Tia spoke as she loosened herself from his grasp. "Wait, what?" he turned to her. "I'm Lia, Tia's twin."
"Huh…."
Tidus shook his blonde head. "I am so confused… so then you're Tia." He asked the Tia clone that was running behind them. "No, I'm Mia."
Tidus grabbed his head. "What? Arrggg… and who are you, Gia?" he asked another Tia clone as she passed by. "No, I'm Lekisha."
Everyone stared at her for a moment… silence was everywhere, only crickets were heard. Tidus turned to Auron, "Thanks Auron, that's enough."
Auron nodded and closed the lid on the cricket jar he had and tossed it aside. "Wait a minute… a lot of people have twins here." With that, Tidus, Auron, and the Tia twins looked on as the same people seem to pass them over and over again. "That's weird," Lia spoke. "Who knew?" Mia asked. "Not me." Tidus spoke. "Who cares?" Auron spoke. "I do!" Tidus shouted. "Do you realize me and you are the ONLY one's without twins!" he then sank to the ground in tears. "We're losers!"
"I prefer, the term 'special'." Auron spoke drinking his moo-moo. "Oh okay!" Tidus spoke feeling better. But then the ground shook. "Oh yeah, we should keep on running…." With that they continued to run.
Tidus had been running for two minutes when he almost collided with the hooded dwarf from before. "Hey!" he shouted. Suddenly, everything froze. "What… how did you do that?"
The hooded dwarf pointed at his watch. "It's a clock stopper, sold in the Black Market."
"No kidding…. Cool." Tidus spoke. "I know, I hear they're making a movie about it, coming out soon." The hooded dwarf spoke. "Really? Awesome, I've been dying to see a good movie lately." Tidus replied.
"Have you seen the Watrix? Good movie!"
"Oh yeah! I so want to see the new one, Watrix Reloaded."
"Yeah I know- wait, we're getting off track."
"Huh?" Tidus spoke. "It begins… don't cry." The hooded dwarf spoke. "Hey! Just cause I cry at night cause I'm an orphan doesn't mean I'm a crybaby! I'm just sensitive!" Tidus spoke. "Besides, at least you can tell that I'm a BOY!" he added smirking. The hooded dwarf hmphed and disappeared, returning everything to normal.
Auron starts running into another direction and Tidus blinks, "Hey! Wait! Hey, not this way!"
"Look!"
Auron points to a giant ball of water in the sky.
"We call it Sin." He said.
"We? Who's we? You and your little drunk friends? Please don't tell me you worship that thing." Tidus said.
The Sinspawn Ammes appears from one building and spreads out Sinscales. Tidus tries to dodge the Sinscales, but he jumped back.
"What the heck are those!" Tidus shouted.
"Take this." Auron said handing Tidus a sword, "A gift from Jecht."
"My old man?" Tidus asked, "You can't be serious. Why would I want something from him?"
"I hope you know how to use it." Was all he said running ahead.
"Hey! Wait for me!"
"Those don't matter. We cut through!" Auron shouted as they ran through some weird looking monsters.
Man, Tidus wonders, You sure do get sober quickly…
"Don't bother going after all of them. Cut the ones that matter, and run!" Auron shouted running.
After cutting through the front, Tidus and Auron run. In the next area, Tidus and Auron fights Sinspawn Ammes.
Great more ugly monsters…., Tidus sighed.
"Get out of my town!" Tidus screamed.
"Some can't wait to die!" Auron shouted.
After Tidus and Auron defeats Sinspawn Ammes, they move on. In the next
area, Tidus looks at his father in screen again in the building, "What are you laughing at, old man?"
He turned to Auron, "Auron! Let's get out of here!"
"We're expected." Auron said.
"Huh?" Tidus asked.
Auron moved on. Tidus sighed, Well someone needs to go back to the room of padded walls…
The he saw how far Auron got ahead and shouted, "Gimme a break, man!"
More Sinscales attacked and Tidus thought, Man where all these stupid scales coming from!
As he attacked he prayed, Please let this be one wild dream. Yeah! That's what it is! A dream. And soon I'll be waking up cuddled up with my wittle bunny pajamas and my wittle bunny stuffed animal. Wait…forget I thought that…
"This could be bad, "Auron said then he noticed the tanker, "Knock that down!"
"Are you nuts man!" Tidus shouted.
"Just do it already, moron!"
"Hey! I'm not a moron! My mommy said I'm just special!" Tidus said.
"Just trust me! You'll see!"
"See what that I'm special? I already know that."
Auron sighed, "Just do it!"
"Touchy…" Tidus said.
Tidus and Auron attack the tanker and Auron shouted, "Go!"
"Go where?" Tidus asked.
Auron rolled his eyes and grabbed Tidus by the neck throwing Tidus to the broken edge.
"Auron! Auron!" Tidus said looking down. He screamed like a little baby, "Auron, I want my mommie!"
Auron gave him a strange look, "What's your problem?"
"I'm afraid of heights!" he cried.
Auron sighed and shook his head, "Don't you realize Sin is sucking us up?"
"Wait…remind me again….who's Sin again?"
Auron pointed to the giant ball, "That's Sin you idiot! The giant ball of water you can't miss it!"
"Oooohh…"
"Sometimes I wonder how you manage to even tie your shoes."
He blinked, "I don't have shoes." Tidus wiggled his toes, "I have sandals. No laces."
Auron looked at Sin, "You sure?"
"Sure? Sure about what?" Tidus asked blinking.
He looked to Auron, to Sin, and then to Auron, "Auron, is that little voice in your head talking to you again?"
Auron rolled his eyes and grabbed Tidus up by his shirt, "This is your story. It all begins here."
"What are you talking about?" he asked looking down, "Auron…can you put me on the ground? Again I have a fear of heights…"
"No time…"
Auron and Tidus were sucked into Sin.
"MMOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!" Tidus shouted.
Suddenly he heard Jecht's (his old man) voice, "Hey! Hey!"
"My…old man…" Tidus said looking around, "Oh my god! I'm hearing things! I'm going nuts!"
Tidus floats down and saw a young version of himself,I thought about a lot of things...like where I was, what I'd got myself into. I started to feel light-headed...and then, sleepy. I think I had a dream. A dream of being alone. I wanted someone-anyone, beside me...so I didn't have to feel alone anymore.
Tidus then spun around, looking for the source of the voice. "Wow… who are you?"
"I'm your thoughts you idiot!" the haunting voice yelled back. "What? You don't even sound like me!"
"Just cause you sound like a little girl!"
Tidus gaped. "Hey, you know what! I'm gonna hit puberty soon, ok? Back off man!"
"I can't, I'm the voice inside your head!"
"Oh…. Yeah… dang."
"Haa, ha!"
"Ok, shut up now!"
"Sheesh…."
Tidus then turned to his younger self. "Hey little man."
His younger version said nothing. Tidus then waved a hand in front of the adolescent. "Hello… hello!"
All of a sudden, there was a flash of light. "Hey!" Tidus yelled. "Wait! Wait! I'm not ready! Hello!"
The last thing heard was, Tidus screaming, "I wasn't ready yet gosh! And where the hell is Auron? Told you he would die!"
We hoped you liked it! We know it's long but you managed to get all way to the bottom, so go you! Please Read and Review so we can continue! Reviews makes us update faster! Suggestions and comments are welcomed, but please no flames! Till the next update!