This is my entry for the fourth Rogan writing challenge. It is sponsored by numerous episodes of Only Fools and Horses, Vodka, Rain, Pizza, cheesy garlic bread and a very important Hugh Jackman kidnapping plot.
If you have the time, then please think about writing your own entry - alexmonalisa would be chuffed.
This one-shot is based on The Guy code and I have used rules: 1, 2, 8, 10 and 14.
1. Thou shalt not rent sappy movies.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
8. The maximum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends' birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
Oh, and I like John McClane... I mean, Bruce Willis.
For some strange reason, this website doesn't want to upload this. How bloody annoying. Even MS word crashes when I attempt to save this. Do you think somebody is trying to tell me something?
Bruce Willis Is My Hero
Logan was a man of many talents; many, many, many talents. For example last week in a department store he reduced two and a half sale assistants to their knees, each with a shuddering climax after he had threatened to carve the place up with his impressive set of claws. It wasn't his fault, none of it was.
Nope, it had nothing do with him. He didn't ask Marie to take him shopping, he didn't demand that Marie drag him around the mall searching for a gift for Scott's birthday and he certainly didn't ask to be attacked by the guy with the name badge, squirty perfume and open zipper.
Logan hadn't seen anything. Logan hadn't done anything. Logan hadn't destroyed anything. Logan hadn't even received the twenty eight pages of bills for the damage in the post, nor had he shredded them, flushed them down the toilet and blocked a pipe. He was innocent of all charges, wormed his way out of buying a birthday present which he deemed more then slightly gay, and knew for a fact that Mr. Half a sales assistant wouldn't be flaunting his open zipper and lavender infused perfume at anyone ever again.
Not that the mighty Wolverine had noticed the open zipper, because he hadn't.
He rested his scuffed boots on the chair in front of him and yawned in protest, or sheer boredom, he wasn't sure what to call it. But he secretly hoped a bunch of fucked up assholes with rabid, blood thirsty hounds would crash the joint before he had the urge to stab himself. "Where's the explosions, guts, guns, blood, scraps and drag races?"
The entire row in front of him turned around and glared, one even threatened to report Logan to an usher if he didn't keep his voice down.
He snorted in response, "Pipe down, dickhead, you're louder then me."
Marie slapped him on the arm and apologised on his behalf. Yeah, like he had waited an hour for her outside in the fucking rain, just so she could take that hairy cock bite's side. Logan might have been hairy, but it suited him and that cock nugget probably had trouble breathing through that jungle growing up his nostrils.
So, he crossed his arms and growled under his breath, not wanting to cause a scene. Marie had already warned him and he was rather attached to his full set of cock and balls.
"Logan," His girl whispered, leaning close, her breasts brushing against his leather clad arm. "There are cars in this movie, just have some fucking patience."
Well, that was just great. What kind of movie didn't open with a ten car pile up, an escaped soldier from a prisoner of war camp with a rocket launcher in his back pocket and a bus packed with curling supporters swerving off the road, and rolling off a cliff, into a crocodile infested swamp. Now that was a blockbuster he'd be willing to pay to see.
He scratched his chin, helped himself to the middle aged woman's popcorn, the wrinkly bitch who smelt like piss that was sitting beside him, and shrugged his shoulders when Marie hit him again. He was hungry, what the fuck was her problem? He sure as hell wasn't going to starve to death, even if the popcorn tasted like crap, piss and butter.
"You can't eat other people's popcorn, especially when you said you didn't want any."
Like he would pay for that shit, his cash was better spent on beer, condoms, cigars and a Bruce Willis movie, now that guy knew how to kick ass.
"I still don't see no… FUCKIN' HELL!" Logan leapt to his feet, and checked his pockets in a desperate search for a cigar.
The crowded cinema interrupted into an uncontrollable state of uproar, a blushing Marie stood up and ushered Logan to the exit, once again apologising for his behaviour.
He didn't give a shit, he was just glad that he'd escaped before his mind had been permanently warped. This was dangerous territory and many a man had been caught in this trap.
"That was no fuckin' shoot em' up movie, Marie." He grumbled, puffing on a cigar as he traipsed to his bike. "You tricked me."
"Logan," She replied, "You really embarrassed me in there."
"I embarrassed you!" The cage fighting extraordinaire spluttered almost choking on his Cuban cigar, "That was a God damn musical, the audience was fuckin' singin' along! You told me there'd be cars and shit!"
"Grease the movie does have cars! All you had to do was be patient, couldn't you even do that for me?"
Shit, he'd do anything for her, she knew that.
"Darlin'," He sighed, pulling her to him, ignoring the leering passers by and hugging her close. "I'd do anythin' for you, you know that."
"Good, then you'll take me to Blockbuster."
Aw, fuck it.
Logan lingered by the door, not daring to move an inch in case he ventured into the wrong aisle. Forget about the damn cinema, this was dangerous fucking territory, one wrong move and he was a dead man.
"Help me choose a film." The one with the breasts called to him, but he knew her game. She was trying to trick him and he was a step ahead of her.
He shook his head and longed for a cigar. There was a sign the size of his left testicle hanging in front of his face, telling him not to smoke and he gave it the finger. This was bullshit, he was a man and this was not going to happen.
"Logan?"
The mutant named Logan glanced over at the mutant formerly known as Rogue, his eyes widened, he was on the verge of having a coronary and before he knew it, his feet were moving. There was no way in hell that he was watching five seconds of that shitty movie again.
Marching out of the door, he ignored Marie's screams and decided to head for the nearest bar. Wolverine was a smart guy, he'd recently learnt how to use a computer and had successfully searched for porn numerous times. During a rather boring weekend, he'd accidentally come across The Guy Code while on the look out for Naked Knockers .com and it had turned his life upside down.
He now understood the meaning of life, and that was to follow The Guy Code at all times.
The rain began to pour, yet again and Logan turned the corner and bumped into a cock fucker, he was about to threaten the dick when he recognised the face.
Bruce Willis stood before him with an umbrella in hand.
Logan raised an eyebrow, Bruce held the umbrella over both their heads and the grumpy feral growled for approximately three minutes and thirty two seconds. "Not happenin', you dumb fuck." He grunted, side stepping the multi-millionaire and his pansy assed umbrella.
He eventually found a bar of his liking and sat on a stool. It took him thirteen seconds to get served and sipping his beer, Logan sighed to himself. In the past month he had stepped out of the last century, discovered The Guy Code, watched less then a minute of Grease, abandoned Marie for the seventh time in Blockbuster and called Bruce Willis a dumb fuck.
Whatever happened to him in the near future, he would always hold one thing close to his heart; Bruce Willis would always be his hero, no matter what he did with an umbrella.
Yippee Ki Yay, Motherfucker! - Sorry, couldn't resist.
Blame BrownEyedDevil for mentioning Bruce Willis to me earlier tonight.