Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or the characters.Thanks to CrystalRaindrop007 for Beta'ing!
Nothing Left To Lose
Ichigo smiled as he reached down and ran his fingers gently through the shaggy black hair of the tiny boy sleeping next to him. The little boy, still a baby, really, was breathing softly, his small, pink lips spread apart as he snored in the small, quiet way a baby does. His eyes were closed tightly, and he would occasionally run his balled up fist across his eyes sleepily as he turned around and snuggled closer to Ichigo.
The older man stared down at the tiny boy in his lap before he looked back to his other hand. In it, he was holding a small, light red booklet. On the front, printed in beautiful letters, it read, "Rukia's Diary."
He'd never thought she had kept a diary until he had been going through her stuff in her old house and had ran across it along with the baby stuff she had had stuffed in her closet.
He smiled sadly as he opened it to the first page. In sloppy, yet somehow nice, writing, it said at the top, "February 15th, 2008"
He read on:
Dear Diary,
"""I never thought I would keep one of these, but Ichigo gave me this stupid book a few years back, and I need somewhere I can keep my private thoughts away from Renji's prying eyes. So, here will have to do.
I woke up this morning laying beside Ichigo. I was surprised at first, then I gradually grew scared as I remembered where I was, how I had gotten there, and what I had done the night before. I had gone to visit Ichigo because he sent me a message asking me to. I thought he just wanted to ask me something simple, but after an awkward pause at the door, he asked me in, so I accepted. We drank a cup of coffee and talked about the upcoming wedding.
My wedding.
Then, he put his cup down and kissed me. I have no idea why, and I felt myself responding before I knew what I was doing. When he pulled back, he said the three words I had finally given up on him saying to me.
I love you."""
He'd been so stupid. So stupid. Before he had told her, she had told him ...
"Ichigo ... I-I love you," Rukia said, staring at the ground as a blush appeared on her cheeks. Ichigo's eyes were wide, and he wanted nothing more than to kiss her, hold her to him and whisper the words back to her.
But he couldn't; he knew it. He would break her heart, because every time he left the Soul Society to fight on one of his squads missions, he knew that there was a large chance he was never coming back. He didn't want to hurt her, he didn't want to cause her pain. So, instead of taking her in his arms and kissing her gently like he wanted to do so badly, he whispered,
"I'm sorry, Rukia. I don't ..." he had to force the last words out. "I don't feel the same."
Rukia's eyes went wide and she turned around, looking at the ground.
"Sorry, Ichigo."
Then, she had ran away from him, leaving him no time to protest and no time to take her back. She was gone.
And then, months later, when he had seen her and Renji kissing by the river, his heart had broken, too.
Ichigo sighed and flipped to the next page, it was a continuation of the first page.
February 15th, continued:
"""After Ichigo kissed me, I tried to protest, telling him that I didn't feel the same way anymore, and that I had moved on, but he could see the raw emotion in my eyes; I still loved him, more than anything in the world. He knew it, and I knew it, and then, I kissed him. I didn't know what I was doing, and I'm not completely sure what happened after that; it's still fuzzy, but I know we made love. Right before my wedding, right before I married another man, and as I lay by his side, after he made me feel like I never had before, he asked,
"Are you leaving in the morning?"
I didn't want to. I knew I had to, though. I had moved on, as much as I didn't want to. I'm marrying Renji today; it was just yesterday that Ichigo and I made love. I love Renji, and me and Ichigo will just have to find a way around the past.
I know I can do it. """
Ichigo smiled when the little boy in his lap yawned and looked up, blinking his amber eyes sleepily.
"Go back to sleep, squirt," Ichigo said, kissing him gently on the forehead. The little boy, Jerome, nodded and yawned again before snuggling his tiny, two-year-old body up next to Ichigo's. Ichigo sighed deeply, the smile falling off his face, as he tried to remember the wedding. It was pretty clear, what he had seen of it, but ...
Ichigo woke the next morning to an empty bed. She had left ... she really had. He hadn't wanted her to, he had wanted her to stay. He had wanted to take up next to her every morning of his life. But she had made up her mind; she had gone to Renji, the man she was marrying and the man she loved. Climbing out of bed, he quickly dressed and walked into the kitchen, staring a pot of coffee with shaking hands.
When he looked out the window, he could see random Shinigami walking past.
He was in the Soul Society. It was getting too awkward to live on Earth, as his body was not aging like it should have, something Rukia said was to blame on Urahara's cutting his chain of fate. He lived here now ... was a captain ... and saw Rukia every single day. And he would have to continue seeing her, as she glowed with happiness another man had brought her.
Ichigo was snapped out of his thoughts when his coffee began boiling. He took it off the stove, and didn't realize how badly his hands were shaking until the hot liquid bit at his skin. Screaming in pain, he accidentally dropped the pot; it shattered on the ground as he stared at his fingers, which were slowly turning red and swelling.
He bit his lip; he needed to go to the wedding and see Rukia. Even if she was being married to another man, he needed to see her, one last time before she became Rukia Abarai rather than Rukia Kuchiki.
He had gone to the wedding; he hadn't wanted to, he would have been perfectly fine sitting around and moping all day, but he went anyway.
Ichigo quietly slid into the small building they were using. Renji and Rukia were already up at the front, smiling at each other, as the priest spoke. The only people who noticed Ichigo entering were the ones in the back, whom Ichigo joined. He dropped quietly into a chair next to Byakuya's.
"I thought you wouldn't come," the sixth company captain said, turning slightly in his chair to face Ichigo, who had his head in his hands.
Ichigo smiled sadly as he spoke softly, not interrupting the priest as Renji and Rukia began their vows.
"I ... I felt like I needed to be here. I don't think you'd understand."
"I think I understand a lot more than you think I do," Byakuya said, his face completely clear of emotion as he watched the younger man. "Neither you or Abarai are good enough for my sister, and if either one of you hurt her, you will pay with your lives."
"I won't hurt her," Ichigo said. "She's not mine to care for, or hurt. Not anymore."
Those were the last words spoken between the two, and Byakuya could have sworn he had seen Ichigo crying before he had stood up and walked out as Renji kissed Rukia.
That was a day he would remember forever. He had watched as Rukia had kissed Renji, and he hadn't been able to take it. He'd walked out, and hadn't spoken to anyone for a whole day after the wedding. He had hidden in his house like a coward, unable to face the woman he had made love to the night before.
March 7th, 2008
"""I found out something today. For the past few days, I've been feeling really bad so I went to Captain Unohana to ask her what was wrong.
I'm pregnant."""
Now, that was a day he would never, ever, forget. He would never forget the day that Rukia and Renji had walked in to the captain's headquarters. He and Byakuya, who were spending more and more time around each other due to captain duties even though they were in different squads, had been quietly doing paperwork until Rukia had bounced in happily, gripping Renji's hand tightly as she said that they had an announcement to make.
"Me and Renji have something to tell you guys."
Not only Rukia was glowing happily. Renji looked like he was about to explode. Finally, when Rukia was tired of waiting for a verbal response from either Ichigo or Byakuya, she said, "I'm pregnant!"
Ichigo had felt his eyes slipped closed, afraid his emotions would come crashing out. He stood up from his seat, and after muttering, "Congratulations," he ran out of the room. Byakuya followed him, knowing of Ichigo's feelings for Rukia, and afraid that the younger man would do something stupid. Renji said slowly,
"Huh. What's wrong with everyone today?"
When Byakuya found Ichigo, he was in the bathroom, his head bowed low and his body leaning up against the wall. In his left hand, he cradled his right one; it was covered in blood and there were streaks of the same blood on the wall. Byakuya didn't move, not sure what to do at first, but soon found himself asking,
"Kurosaki, you really do love her, don't you?"
Ichigo didn't answer, but he didn't need to. It was clear; Byakuya could see it easily. It hurt Ichigo to know that Rukia had married another man ... but now she was pregnant with another man's baby? It would be too much for any man.
"Leave me alone," Ichigo said softly, his eyes not moving up to meet Byakuya's. "Please, I want to be alone."
Byakuya didn't speak; he watched Ichigo for a few more seconds before he turned around, and, surprisingly, bowed slightly before walking out of the room.
"Very well."
Ichigo, after forcing the memory back to some deep, dark corner in his mind, glanced down at Jerome, running his hands through his shaggy hair as he smiled. Jerome was wearing a pair of orange pajamas. They had patterns of dog prints on them, and as he kicked his footie covered feet back and forth in his sleep, Ichigo smiled and caught one of them, gently running his fingers over it as Jerome continued to move in his sleep.
He turned to the next page.
June 8th, 2008
"""It's been a while since I've written anything, but here goes. I guess I haven't had anything to write, really. But ... the countdown is getting smaller and smaller each day. Five months before I deliver this baby. Before my life changes in too many ways to count.
I just go back from my appointment, and Captain Unohana said that the baby was healthy, but I know something is wrong. Not heath-wise, maybe, but something ...
And I think I know what. I don't know who's baby this is. I made love with Ichigo right before my wedding ... and I made love with Renji right after. I have a feeling ... I think it's Ichigo's.
I just don't know. And I can't ask anyone to do a test until the baby is born, and even then, do I want to know? What if it is Ichigo's and it's born with orange hair? Renji will know right away, and he's so happy ... it would break his heart. What can I do?
What can I do?"""
Ichigo smiled softly. So, she had suspected something. She had known that there was something wrong. By the baby had been born looking almost exactly like Rukia. He had the same black hair and the same tiny body ... no one was the wiser. Until, during a trip to Earth to visit their friends, Inoue, Ishida and Chad, to show of their baby, something had gone wrong.
Horribly wrong.
"Hurry up, Renji! I want to see everyone!"
Rukia was happily skipping along, the baby in her arms and Renji following slowly behind, smiling as he watched her and their child. They both failed to notice the car approaching them as Rukia hopped out onto the street, and as it hit into her, the child slid out of her hands and hit into the sidewalk.
Hard.
Loud screaming, crying, and yelling was heard as Renji ran over to Rukia to see if she was alright. She was sitting up, trying to reach the baby. His tiny body wasn't moving, and there was blood all around him.
Too much blood.
Everything passed so quickly. An ambulance came and took Rukia, Renji and their child to the hospital, all the way Rukia crying frantically as she tried to reach her baby. The doctors held her down, and Renji just watched in shock as they worked on saving the little boy's life.
When Rukia's broken arm was wrapped in a soft bandage, she refused hard, or how else would she hold her baby? she and Renji waited outside the trauma room, Rukia crying into Renji's chest. But then, a doctor came out and asked to speak to Rukia alone. Renji was puzzled as she was led away from him and into the trauma room with the baby. Why couldn't he go, too? He was just as worried!
"Mrs. Abarai?"
"Yes?" Rukia asked, wrapping her arms around her stomach as she looked at the baby laying in the middle of the bed.
"Baby Jerome, what is his blood type?"
"Why?"
"We had to do a transfusion.
"So you should know already," Rukia pointed out, reaching out to take Jerome's small hand in hers. He didn't move, but he was breathing even if the machines were helping him.
"It said on his birth certificate that he was A positive. We couldn't transfuse O negative because we thought we were out, so we had to give him one of four other compatible blood types. We didn't think it'd be a problem, because he was A positive ... but ..."
"But what? Is he OK?"
"He's going to be fine. And he's blood type O. We managed to find some backup transfusions, a good thing for him, because he would have died without it, but it says on your records, you have blood type A and your husband AB. There is no possible way Jerome could be O. Is he adopted?"
Rukia shook her head, new tears coming down. It was true ... Ichigo was AO. Jerome was his.
"The possible blood types for the offspring of an A and an AB are, if the father is AB, A, B and AB."
Rukia's small body started shaking. She said slowly, "Can I have a moment with my husband?"
The doctor nodded and walked out, sending Renji in as he walked along the hall. The first words out of Renji's mouth were, "Is he alright?"
Rukia nodded, still not speaking.
"What did the doctor want? Rukia ... why are you crying? Jerome's going to be alright ... our baby's going to be OK."
His words only made Rukia cry harder.
Our baby ...
"Rukia, what the hell's wrong?" Renji asked, walking closer. When he placed his hand on her arm, she flinched, moving away from him. He looked puzzled and she finally said. "Renji ... there's something I need to tell you." Renji didn't respond, so Rukia continued. "Jerome's blood type is O. The doctors ... they compared our blood types from our visits while we were on Earth ... You're AB and I'm A."
"What does that mean?"
Renji was more confused than ever. Rukia's arms wrapped tighter around her body as she continued to cry. Renji watched as the teardrops fell from her eyes and hit the floor, shattering into a million pieces.
"What, Rukia?"
He was more forceful this time.
"An AB and an A can't possibly have a child of the blood type O."
Renji's eyes went wide as he stared at Rukia like she was from another planet. Realization was dawning on him and his hands were shaking as Rukia's silence continued.
"You mean ... that ... that Jerome isn't ... " He stopped speaking, unable to force the last word out.
"Me and Ichigo ... before our wedding ... "
It was all Rukia had to say. The questioning look in Renji's eyes was replaced by anger, and as his fists clenched tightly, Rukia winced, sure he was going to hit her. Her black eye and bloody lip already throbbed enough; another hit wouldn't make much of a difference. He surprised her, however, when his fist made contact with the wall. He swore loudly, which only made Rukia cry harder.
"God, Rukia ... geez, wasn't I good enough for you? Why did you ... damn!"
His eyes were so full of anger, Rukia was surprised that he hadn't killed her, or gotten close to it. She was surprised that he was able to hold such anger in. She was surprised that he wasn't yelling louder, making a large fuss ... it would have made her feel better, but no, his silence was cutting thick in the air.
"Why, Rukia? Why did you have to? Why couldn't we have a son? I wanted a son so badly, when Jerome was born ... Damm it!"
He trailed off, and, unable to hold his anger in, finally let his fist graze Rukia's face. When he realized what he had done, he looked shocked at himself
"I'm sorry, Rukia. But ... I have to get out of here now, I'm going to be sick."
Rukia's whole body shook violently as she stared at the ground, not caring about the new pain in her face or the loud steps of Renji steadily growing quieter.
Ichigo flipped to the next entry.
June 10th, 2008
"""I haven't seen Renji in two days. He left the hospital, and then I took Jerome, against the doctors' will, back to Souls Society, though they didn't know he was going somewhere he could be healed in a matter of seconds. Ichigo and Byakuya-nii-sama have been with me, helping me take care of Jerome while Renji is away.
I won't tell them anything. I wrote a letter ... I'm giving it to Nii-sama to give to Ichigo if something every happens to me."""
"Nii-sama ... please, if I ever die, please, give this to Ichigo."
Byakuya fingered the letter in his hands.
"What is it?"
"Just ... please, do it, and please ... please don't look at it."
Ichigo, still sitting on his bed, fingered the letter that Byakuya had given to him over a year ago. He hadn't read it yet. Slipping a finger inside the seal, he pulled it open.
Rukia was sitting on the couch, Jerome in her arms, when she head a knock on the door. She was expecting Ichigo and her brother at any moment, so when she opened the door, she said, "Ichi-" before she cut herself off.
It was Renji.
He was drunk, and her saying Ichigo's name inflamed an anger in his eyes she'd never seen before. Then, his fist hit her cheek. She knew it wasn't him ... it was the Sake she could smell on his breath making him act that way. She backed up, putting Jerome in his crib, before walking up to Renji to try and calm him down. He locked the door before turning back to her.
"Renji, please, you're drunk-"
He cut her off when he hit her again, making her hit into the wall.
"Renji, please!"
He didn't take notice of her or anything she was saying. The anger in his eyes seemed to be eating away at everything else.
"When I got here, ya were watin' for that Ichigo weren't you? Weren't you?!"
Rukia couldn't respond. Tears were flowing out of her eyes as she watched Renji. He wasn't himself ... he'd been drinking for those two days he was away, probably. He was being controlled by the Sake in his system ...
She kept telling herself that as she felt the pain rip through her body.
Then ... everything went black.
Ichigo's eyes filled with tears as he remembered when he had arrived. He didn't know a thing before that ... nothing. Everything was crashing back to him, attacking him as he watched the tiny child sleep beside him. His mother ... she had ... she had given her life for him, in a way. She had saved him.
Ichigo knocked on the door a few times, sighing when Rukia didn't answer.
"Bet she's sleeping," he said.
He tried to open the door, which she always kept unlocked, and frowned when it wouldn't turn. Byakuya watched as worry filled Ichigo's eyes when he heard the loud screaming of Jerome and the cry of pain. It was Rukia.
Lifting his foot, Ichigo kicked the door as hard as he could. It opened, the lock breaking under the force of the kick. Both Ichigo and Byakuya ran in, worried and scared of what they would find. They gasped.
Standing over a bloody, unmoving Rukia, was Renji, breathing hard, his fists covered in her blood and his eyes filled with anger. When he saw Ichigo and Byakuya, his look of anger was replaced by surprise, and then ... as if noticing Rukia's body for the first time, utter horror. When he looked at his own hands, he began to back up, finally hitting against the wall.
Before anyone knew what was happening, Byakuya was holding Renji up against the wall, his Zanpaktou drawn, and Ichigo was holding Rukia tightly to him, begging her to breathe, to speak, anything ... anything to signal she was alive.
But she wasn't.
"I told you, if you hurt her, I would kill you with my own hands," Byakuya growled. Renji's eyes were wide as he stared across Byakuya and at Rukia. Jerome's cry pierced the room and Ichigo's sobs broke through their ears easier than the loud, shrill cry of a baby.
"No!"
Byakuya turned around, surprised at Ichigo's outburst, to see him tightly holding Rukia.
"No, don't kill him. She wouldn't have wanted that. Please, Byakuya, please take Rukia to Captain Unohana and see what she can do, please, please save Rukia. I'll take care of Renji."
The look of pain in Ichigo's eyes and the sight of his dying, of not dead, sister in his arms made Byakuya make up his mind.
He quickly took Rukia from Ichigo and was gone, using Shunpo, before Renji could catch his breath from where he had been held against the wall so roughly.
Ichigo stood to his feet, walking over to Jerome's crib, and picking the baby up, the blood on his hands getting all over Jerome. He didn't care, however, as he stared at Renji, the tears in his eyes not all gone yet.
"Did I ... I didn't, I couldn't have ... No, no, no ..." Renji stuttered.
The horror in his eyes was deep, and Ichigo spoke softly and carefully.
"I want to kill you, Renji, I want to make you feel pain like you've never felt before, but Rukia wouldn't have wanted that. She would have wanted ... for you to live, no matter what you'd done."
"Jerome ... I did it because ..."
"I know he's my baby," Ichigo said, his hand holding Jerome's small head to his chest. "I know that, I know we hurt you, and I know that you wanted a baby of your own more than anything ... but you killed her, Renji, you killed her."
"I didn't mean ... I didn't mean to ... "
The sight of Rukia's body had had an instant sobering effect on Renji.
"Why, Renji? Why? You had nothing to gain ... and now you've lost everything."
"I ... I still have our baby ... I have me and Rukia's baby ... by law, I'm still h-his father," Renji said breaking off every few words due to the tears in his eyes. Ichigo shook his head.
"No, you don't even have Jerome."
"I'm his father ... by law ..."
"To be someone's father isn't a right, Renji. It's a gift."
Renji was crying now, and Ichigo knew that he had broken him; he wouldn't put up a fight, and he wouldn't try and kill anyone else.
"I just ... I can't ..."
The next thing Ichigo knew, Renji had pulled his Zanpaktou, and before he could do anything about it, Renji had plunged it straight through his heart. Ichigo's eyes were wide and he yelled out, knowing he couldn't do a thing. He hadn't meant for Renji to do that ... that wasn't what he'd wanted ...
"Renji! Why the hell did you do that?" Ichigo asked, running over and attempting to stop the bleeding. He was frantic as Renji just smiled.
"Sorry, Ichigo, Rukia ... sorry I couldn't be a father, Jerome."
"Why?!"
"Because ... I have nothing left to lose. I lost my family."
Ichigo didn't know why, and he didn't know how, but he cried over the man who had killed the woman he had loved so much. He cried over a man he wanted to hate with all his being.
Ichigo felt his eyes fill with tears again as he began to read Rukia's words in the letter she had left him. Jerome, his and Rukia's child, slept quietly by him, his head in Ichigo's lap and his tiny hands gripping his favorite blanky.
The words ... They were printed out clearly on paper, Rukia's thoughts written out for him to see and for him only.
Ichigo, I don't know if you'll ever get this. I hope not, because that would mean something has happened to me. But I just need you to know I love you, and I love Jerome, and if anything ever happens to me, please, please raise Jerome into a man I would be proud of. Raise him to be just like his father ... just like you, because I love you both, and you are a great man, Ichigo, a man who is willing to give anything to make sure his friends are safe.
Please, raise him to be like his daddy, and make sure he knows that you are his father.
Thank you for all you have given me. You gave me love, and you gave me a child I will always love, no matter where I am. You gave me something to live for, and even though I love Renji, you will always be to me the first man I ever loved and the man who will always hold my heart.
Make sure Jerome knows mommy loved him. And make sure that you love him, too, he's yours to love and to hold. You're his daddy.
I love you, Ichigo.
NOTE 1: Being drunk can make you do just about anything, even killing people. PLease don't flame because Renji seems OOC because 'he would never do that'. Drinking can do anything to a person. Anything.
NOTE 2: In the flashbacks, Ichigo didn't see/know what was happening in all of them. In the one before he came while Renji was with Rukia after finding out about Jerome, and the one in the hospital, and the one where Rukia gave Byakuya the note ... he didn't see any of those.
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