She's crying so hard i don't know how to make it better. She won't let me touch her because she thinks she doesn't deserve me.
Tonight i kissed her, told her i love her. That we'd still be happy and in love in fifty years. Only for her to say she couldn't do it. That she'll hurt me and i will leave her. And i did the most stupid thing i ever did. About a minute after i confessed my love for her i told her i had to move on. We walked away with out arms linked and with her head on my shoulder and mine on top of hers. In the car we didn't say anything. And then i dropped her off at home, said goodnight and planned to go home. Only i never left the parking lot. I sat in my car outside her apartment building for 30 minutes before i decided i had to see her. Something inside me told me that i HAD to see her now. So i did. She didn't answer the door when i knocked for 5 minutes so i used the key. I walked into her bedroom and saw her sitting on her bed, in her pyjama's, head buried in her hands, crying her heart out. She immediatly noticed my presence and looked up at me.
'Bones...', i said as i sat by her side. She shook her head.
'Don't... don't be nice, don't touch me, just don't do anything!' She cried.
So here we are. I'm still at her side looking at her while she's still crying so hard.
'Temperance? Please...', i beg her after minutes of silence. The only sound in the room is her ragged breathing and sniffles. It takes a while before she nods. I take it as a sign that i can hold her. Slowly my arms slid around her waist and when she doesn't resist me, i gather her in my arms. She buries her face in my neck and i hear her inhale through her nose. I turn my head so it's touching her hair.
'Shh... it's okay', i whisper to her. She shakes her head again.
'No it's not', she says against my neck, 'i don't deserve you. I can't give you what you want. You shouldn't care about me!' For the first time since i met her, i'm at a total loss of what to do.
'Look at me', i say. She hold me tighter before she looks up at me. Her baby blue eyes are radiating confusion and sadness. 'How could i not care about you?'
'Because, I'm not what you want. You want to get married, have kids. You want the things i can't give to you. I can't change, Booth. I don't know how', she repeats her words from before. I cup her cheek with my hand.
'Honey,' she petname is out before i can stop it, 'i never asked you to. I knew all this before and i still fell in love with you', her tears return as she starts to cry again. Tonight it seems like there's no end to her tears. All i can do is hold her. Hold her until her tears subside again. After a while she's quiet. I look at her and i notice she's asleep. But somehow there are still tears leaking from her eyes. I sigh. I still have no idea if thing will ever be okay between us. All i know is that's she broken right now. Heartbroken. Even though she doesn't believe in that. I know she loves me. She never said she didn't. I can tell by the way she looks at me she loves me. But she won't allow herself to be happy and that breaks my heart. This woman deserves so much more than the thinks. I don't realise i keep stroking her hair. All night i watch her and don't allow myself to fall asleep. Around 5 am she starts to stir.
'Hey Bones', i say softly. She looks up at me and i can see the tears in her eyes again. One leaks out and i wipe it away. 'No more crying, okay?'
'I can't seem to stop it', she says with a shaky voice. I hold her head against my chest, giving her a change to stop her tears.
'I care about you', she says suddenly, 'more than you think. I don't want to hurt you', she sighs.
'Why do you think you will hurt me? I hate to see you doubt yourself, Temperance', i say.
'I will hurt you. Eventually i will. I don't believe in marriage. I don't want kids. Those are the things you desire in life.'
'I also want a woman in my life who loves me. Who i can love. That woman is you. And i don't think there's anyone else. You are so important to me. You made me a better man. A better father to Parker. When i met you i was done gambling. I never once did it again. Isn't that more important than marriage or kids? I knew you didn't want to get married or have kids but that didn't make me love you less.' I hear her sigh.
'I don't want to be the one who keeps you from your dreams', she whispers.
'My dream is you. Just you', i try to get through to her. She's silent against my chest. Just gently breathing in and out. After a while i think she fell asleep again but than she looks up at me.
'Do you mean that?' She asks. I smile at her as i caress her cheek.
'Yes', i say.
'I'm scared', she says as she lowers her gaze.
'I know', i answer. She's probably terrified. 'I won't leave, okay? If you want to be with me or not. I won't leave.'
'How do you know me so well?' She asks. I smile.
'Because i care', is my answer. She holds on to me tighter and i know everything will work out. I know it will. The fact that she didn't push me away tonight proves that it will be okay. And this woman is all about facts.