Dear James. My James.
I am so sorry. I don't know how I'm writing this, but I'm doing it.
I know you must be confused and you probably don't understand but I just can't do this anymore. All the time I'm still here I'm making your life worse. I don't deserve you. Please, please don't ever think this is your fault or that you could have done something. You did everything you could, gave me everything you could.
You gave me all of you and you are the most beautiful person I have ever had the privilege to know, and to love. And I love you so much.
It'll be your face that I see wherever I go after this life.
I'm sorry I couldn't be enough. I'm sorry I won't ever be your wife, or the mother of your children. I'm so sorry. But you will be happy. Your life is going to be incredible.
I love you so much it hurts. It hurts. Everything hurts. And that's why I have to go.
Love you forever and always.
You sign the letter off with your name and throw the pen down. There's no backing out now. You've been thinking about this for months, really ever since you'd started suffering with depression in your teens you'd always considered it. But recently, everyday it became the easier option.
And now, in the bedroom of your shared apartment, high rising above Los Angeles, and the bottle of pills in your hand – it was the only option.
You stop sobbing, finding an inner peace of sorts as you look around. You'd made such a beautiful home with James. You couldn't believe you were never going to see him again. But one day you would. One day in the future.
You grab the picture from the side that shows the two of you smiling wide at a friend's wedding. So happy. So in love.
As you swallow the tablets, one turning into five turning into twenty, turning into 25 before you feel them take effect and crumble down to the floor, the need to vomit becoming clearer. You take two more and the image of James smiling is the last thing you see.
It is morning. The sun is so bright through the window. You would feel blinded if you weren't resting your head in the crook of James' neck, kissing the soft skin there. He is so beautiful.
"Good morning gorgeous" He whispers. You smile into him, reaching a hand up to touch his cheek and run your fingers through his dark hair.
"I want to do this every single day, for the rest of my life" You tell him, your voice still thick with sleep. "I want to wake up next to you forever".
"I'm not going anywhere" He tells you, arm winding tighter around your body. "Even if you left me, I wouldn't stop feeling this…I wouldn't stop wanting this with you. Don't go anywhere, ok? Don't ever leave".
This isn't right. You're still alive. You open your eyes slowing, feeling your body burn like you've been in a battle. And you have, but with yourself.
You feel yourself start to panic but when your vision comes into focus, you're stunned into stillness. James sits across the room, leaning down, his head resting in his hands. Next to him, Kendall stands, a hand resting delicately on his friend's back.
When James speaks, you can hear the tears in his voice. You had made him cry.
"She wanted to kill herself Kendall. She tried to- I" He completely breaks down and Kendall kneels down in front of him, hands on both his shoulders.
"She's going to be okay." The blonde tells him. "She'll wake up soon, I'm telling you."
He manages to control himself and when he looks at his friend he nods. "Can you grab me a glass of water please?"
"Sure. I'll be right back." The blonde leaves the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
James stares at the floor as though it can answer his questions. He thousands of questions he must have going through his head.
"James" You croak it and his head snaps up. He gets to his feet quickly, coming right over but stops himself for a second before pulling you into a tight embrace. He cries and you feel worse than you've ever felt; the guilt tearing you up. His hands are all over you touching your cheeks, your shoulders and eventually settling for holding your hands, his eyes darting between yours. His face is heavy with sadness.
He lets go of your hands and stands to take a step back, looking down at you as you manage to sit up in the hospital bed.
"I got your letter." His voice is stronger when he talks now, a strange distant look on his face.
"I don't- I wasn't supposed to wake up." You literally don't know what to say – you never thought you'd be in this situation. You hadn't planned it to go like this.
"I came home early from work and there you were…on the floor, lying in your own sick…they had to pump your stomach…I" The pain is so vivid on his face and it makes your eyes water. "Why didn't you come to me? If I'd have known you wanted to die I would have done everything in the world to make you want to live…I" He falls down onto the bed, close to you as if all energy has been drained from the usually happy-go-lucky man.
The two of you just stare at each other, eyes telling each other what you can't put into words – that you need each other, that you're hurting him but he doesn't care as long as you're still with him.
"I love you so much" James whispers, wiping away tears. "Please, please don't ever try to do that again. I- I can help you. I can get you help. Just- don't, don't leave me again".
You pull him close even though you feel weak and press your lips to his, wanting to take his pain away. The pain that you've caused. You pull him into an embrace.
"I never left you. Not really" You whisper, but that just makes him sob harder, his broad chested body seeming weak and small when you wrap your arms around him, holding him tight.
He kisses your cheek again and when he talks, he speaks so quietly, as if you're the only people in the entire world and you'd be able to hear him from anywhere.
"I'm never letting you go.".