I have become obsessed with Red Vs. Blue recently. I have no idea why. Maybe it's Caboose. I like Caboose.

Also, all this takes place after the events of RvB season 5, after Sister joined the Blues and Tucker had Junior. Also this is an AU in which the Pelican did not explode with Tex and Junior in it, as they escaped before Andy blew up, and O'Mally did not succeed and is now dead. So Tex and Junior are still presumably alive, while O'Mally, Flowers, Wyoming, Andy, Gamma, and the other alien are dead. The reason I do this is because I have not gotten past season 6 yet, and have just started watching it after just finishing season 5, and I felt that I needed more characters to work with. Also, Doc is no longer posessed.

WARNING: CONTAINS SWEARS AND ADULT CONTENT! I don't usually do swears all that often, but to keep the atmosphere of Red vs. Blue, I am going to make an exception.

Snake Vs. Everyone

Chapter 1:

Everyone's a Numb-Nut

"Caboose, what the hell are you doing?" asked Church as he looked up at the soldier on top of the Blue Base.

"I'm scouting." replied Caboose as he peered through the scope of the sniper rifle. "Something strange is going on."

"But your'e looking at the floor." said Church.

"Exactly." said Caboose. "There's something different about this floor. I need to find out what."

"I don't think staring at one single spot on the ground for several hours is going to help, Caboose."

"You never know, Church. You never know."

Church sighed. "You're an idiot, Caboose."

While they were talking, a man in a sneaking suit and headband observed them through a pair of binoculars. He could hear every word of it due to the binoculars' enhanced microphone that could pick up sound from up to half a mile away.

"Snake, this is Otacon, you there?" asked Otacon through the Codec.

"This is Solid Snake, I read you." replied Snake.

"What are they doing?"

"Just standing there. And talking. In fact, that's all these guys seem to do. Just stand around and talk about stuff."

"Do they have a Metal Gear like our intel said?"

"Not that I can see, no. If they did, they either have no idea how to use it or have no idea it's even there."

"Why do you think that?"

"Do I really have to answer that question?"

"Right, I see. Try the Red Team. Maybe they have it."

"Heading to Red Base now." said Snake, getting up and walking away. "I hope they are more intelligent than these retards."

"Dammit, Grif, hold still!" said Sarge as he shot at the orange-armored soldier. "Your'e making me miss!"

"That's the point!" said Grif as he ran back and forth to avoid the bullets.

"No, the point is I shoot and you get hit and die!" said Sarge.

"I thought the point was to teach him not to crash the Warthog, sir." said Simmons.

"Shut up, Simmons, I'm concentrating." snapped Sarge, then continued to pelt the wall behind Grif with bullets.

Snake watched from afar, his eye twitching from the amount of stupidity he was getting from these soldiers.

"No luck with the Reds, either?" asked Otacon over the Codec.

"Nope." said Snake. "And these guys are idiots, too."

"So everyone in Blood Gulch is a complete numb-nut?"

"Seems so." Snake sighed.

And that's when he felt the barrel of a gun poke the back of his neck.

"No te muevas, cabrón." a robotic voice said.

"Aw, shit." cursed Snake as he raised his hands.

"Yup. He's a Blue." said Sarge as the Reds interrogated Snake. "He's a twice-damned Blue."

"What makes you sure?" asked Simmons.

"Look at 'im! He's got that spy look about him! The Blues sent him to spy on us!"

"But he doesn't have any armor." Grif pointed out.

"Bullshit." said Sarge. "He just took it off."

"Why would he take his armor off?"

"He was hot."

"Our armor has heating and cooling systems to keep the occupant at normal temperatures." said Simmons.

"How would you know that?"

"Lopez gave me the blueprints."

"Hice la armadura mí mismo." said Lopez.

"You're right, Lopez, Simmons IS an idiot!" said Sarge.

"No, he said he made the armor himself." said Snake.

"Wait, you can understand him?" asked Simmons.

"I took a Spanish class." replied Snake.

"Hey, I like him!" said Sarge. "Go ahead, Lopez, say something else."

"Algo mas." said Lopez.

"You're right, his beard IS badass!"

"No, he actually said the words "something else."" said Snake.

"Well I don't believe it! There's actually someone in this whole canyon who can understand Lopez!"

"You mean to tell me you NEVER had a translator for him?"

"Not since Andy blew up." said Grif.

"I like him!" said Sarge. "He should be a Red! Maybe now we can beat those twice-damned Blues! About time we had a decent soldier around here."

"It may be a good idea." said Otacon over the Codec, which stimulated the bones in his ear so only Snake could hear any sound. "Maybe becoming one of these guys will bring you closer to the Metal Gear. And besides, now they're not trying to kill you!"

Snake sighed and nodded. "Sure."

"Wonderful!" said Sarge. "We need to get you some armor, but first, introductions! I'm Sarge, the commander of this operation. The orange one is Grif. Do your best to hurt him. A lot."

"Hey." said Grif.

"The one in maroon is Simmons. He's the number 2, and one of the best guys here, excluding yours truly, of course."

"Yo." said Simmons.

"The one in pink is Private Donut. He's kinda dumb."

"Thanks, Sarge." said Donut.

"And the robot guy who brought you here is Lopez. He's a robot and our best engineer."

"Hola." said Lopez.

"Glad to have you on the team, misterrrrrrrrrrrr what's your name?" asked Sarge.

"Solid Snake is my code name. You can call me Snake for short."

"Nice to meet ya' Snake! Go with Lopez, he'll get you some armor. What color you like?"

"Black. And no helmet, please."

"Of course! We don't wanna hide that awesome beard of yours!"

"Sígueme." said Lopez as he led Snake out of the room.

Snake sighed as he walked through the few halls of Red Base. This is gonna be a loooooooonnnnng mission. he thought.

Please favorite, follow, and review! Next chapter soon! Cheers!