AN: I'd like to apologize in advance. This is a very dark fic, dealing with self-harm. Thanks to jackandsamforever for beta-ing this.

Disclaimer: I do not own anything.

A Permanent Solution

Living life to its fullest was a challenge for most people. Living life, at all, seemed to be her problem. She didn't feel anything besides bitterness anymore. Bitterness and loneliness. It was depressing to say at the least and she couldn't tell where that had come from. She used to be a young and joyful woman, full of life and happiness and now she was blue and lacked the will to even crack a smile. It had gotten worse over time, the feeling of loneliness and pure anger at the world for putting her in a place like this, though no one but her was actually at fault for putting her in this position.

She had great friends, sure, but even they couldn't put a light in her heart anymore. Everything just seemed so dull... pointless. She hated her job, despised it for it was the main reason for her unhappiness. But what else was she to do but go there day after day, week after week. Another year wasted, wasted with nothing but sorrow for herself. She had stopped going out, spend most of her days off at home. Facing people meant pretending everything was alright, when it wasn't, because explaining the situation she was in with anyone was just too hard. People would judge her, friends or not, they would look at her like she had grown two heads and that was the last thing she wanted. To be considered something weird, something that wasn't normal when in truth all that was wrong with her was that there was just too much darkness in her heart after years of being mistreated by people who were supposed to love her, to be there for her whenever she needed them. And people had. Had pretended.

At first it had been sufficient for her, the pretending of understanding her issues; where she was coming from, but sooner rather than later they had realized that talking about the issues would mean taking responsibility. And responsibility could be a scary thing, especially when it came to another human being. After that realization, not even pretending was what she got. It didn't hurt, not as much as she had thought it would. She was used to people dropping her like a hot potato after all, it was old news really. She had started guarding her heart more closely, hadn't let people in as quickly as she had used to do before. People often mistook that as an act of shallowness on her part, but in truth she was just taking care of herself. And if closing herself off meant keeping out of harm's way, then that would have to be good enough.

Staying out of harm's way during her personal time was proving to turn just fine, but there still was the issue of work at hand. And work was what was chewing her up and refusing to spit her out lately. She couldn't handle it anymore. Any of it. She was used to her colleagues seeing her in a bad light and she had started to accept that fact. But now that he had come into her life and messed it up even further was pushing it. At first she had considered all the good they were doing now that he was there, practically presenting all those criminals on a silver platter. The knowledge of doing something good for the world the only reason she had kept going as long as she had. But things had turned personal soon, too soon for her liking and she could feel herself falling deeper and deeper into that black hole that was trying to swallow her. Not only had he disturbed her life, the only life she knew, had ripped her out of the cocoon that she had created for herself. A blanket made out of the family she was trying to build. Her father, her husband... he had showed her that everything was a lie, showed her that sometimes life just wasn't fair. And she still had no clue why. Why he had to come into her life and destroy it, when she was finally starting to be happy with what she had managed to do on her own. For that, she hated him.

She hated him and loved him at the same time. He had never lied to her. Had always been truthful about everything, even when he couldn't tell her the full story, he would never lie about it and she appreciated that now. It had pained her a lot, but she truly appreciated it. Because he had been saving her from a life with someone who had only pretended to be her husband, had played a part, while she had fallen in love with. They had wanted to start a family together, bring a child into this world. Just how would her life look now if she had actually gone through with this? It was another notch in her already bruised and battered, fragile soul. She just couldn't do this anymore. Couldn't pretend she was alright, when she wasn't. She was far from alright and she didn't think she would ever manage to find that will to live again.

Taking another big gulp from the bottle of rum she held in her hand, Liz eased herself into the hot water. She had filled the tub, not bothering with any soap, as hot as she could stand. The prickling feeling told her, that it really was hotter than she would usually use, but it would serve the purpose.

She wouldn't leave a note. A note that held words full of meaning but would feel empty to others. A note that would leave everybody pitying her sorry soul. She didn't want that. Didn't want anyone's pity. She had never wanted it before, she certainly didn't give a damn about it now. Taking another sip from the bottle, she placed it on the rim of the tub. She took the small piece of metal into her hand and studied it for a moment. It seemed harmless, but also so very dangerous. She turned her arm and looked at the veins underneath her skin, thinking about the blood flowing peacefully through them. Keeping her body alive, but not her soul.

She gripped the razor blade more tightly and set it against the soft skin of her arm, before pushing it in, drawing the first drops of blood. She wasn't stupid, she knew that a horizontal cut, would make her bleed, but it wouldn't kill her. No, she wanted a permanent solution. One that would end all this crap she had to suffer through. Taking a deep breath, Liz put the sharp object back against her arm and cut vertically through her arm. The water turned crimson immediately, the loss of blood making her feel lightheaded. She didn't even feel the pain in her harm, in her heart. For the first time in her life she felt...

Free.