A/N: So I was going through my documents on my laptop and found this one shot. It's not the best one I've ever wrote, kinda different from everything else and I have no idea where I was actually going with it, but I finished out the last five or so lyrics to wrap the fic up. It seemed wrong to shove it into my "Incomplete Stories" file when it was almost done. Anyway, Black Sunday is still going to be my last IS fic and I just can't find it in myself to fix this up nicer than it is. It's definitely not my best piece of writing. Not quite sure where my head was when I wrote it but…well, here it is.
Disclaimer: I do not own Instant Star, it's characters, or the song In Between performed by Linkin Park. It's a pretty song if you haven't heard it. It's worth listening to.
NOTE: Bold in the middle of the fic flashback.
In Between
Let me apologize to begin with
"Jude, let me explain," I pleaded with her, but she turned and walked away from me. "Jude!" I called after her, shoving through the crowd to follow her with minor difficulty. I lay my hand on her shoulder to get her to stop and she whirled around, reaching her arm up and removing my hand.
"Don't touch me!" She yelled, her eyes filled with tears and anger.
"Jude, just let me explain," I pleaded and she shook her head. "Please."
"Tommy, I'm done." She told me, her voice filled with finality. "I can't keep doing this."
"Jude," My voice came out whiny and she held her ground.
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
"What, Tommy, Hu?" She asked, hands on her hips. "You gonna tell me why you were macking on some girl that wasn't your girlfriend? You gonna tell me it's a mistake? That you love me? That she threw herself all over you and your tongue ended up in her God Damned Mouth!" Jude yelled and I winced.
"I do love you." I told her, pleading with her.
"You love the idea of me." Jude told me, sadness in her eyes and voice.
"Jude, I"
"We're done, Tommy." She stated again, looking defeated.
But trying to be genuine was harder than it seemed
"I'm sorry." I told her, my voice soft and defeated. She gave me a sad smile.
"I know." She said and sniffed. "But this…it isn't working. We can't be together Tommy. It only ends in me getting hurt."
"Jude, I"
"Tommy, please." She said, her eyes pleading with me. "Don't make it harder than it has to be."
"I love you."
But somehow I got caught up in between
"That isn't enough anymore Tommy." She told me, shaking her head, tears spilling out of her eyes.
"What do you want from me?!" I demanded, throwing my arms up in frustration.
"You shouldn't have to ask me that, Tommy." Jude told me. She turned on her heel and started to leave, but I ran after her.
Let me apologize to begin with
"Jude!"
"Tommy, just let me go home." She said, not bothering to look over her shoulder at me as she burst out of the club. I caught up to her and grabbed her roughly by the arms and pulled her against me. She gasped as I spun her around and kissed her fiercely on the lips. I poured all my desperation and love into it and hoped she'd see that I did love her. That I was sorry I made yet another mistake with her.
We broke apart and Jude stared at me, gasping for breath. Our eyes locked and our chests rose and fell in sync. Hope rose through me when she didn't immediately run away but was soon effectively killed when her hand reached up and smacked me across the cheek so hard my head snapped to the side.
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say
"We're done." She told me, her voice surprisingly strong. I stared at her in shock as she turned and walked away, leaving me standing outside the club confused.
"Jude," I whispered as she left, feeling more lost than I ever felt before. She was gone and I only had myself to blame. I couldn't change for her. I tried, but I made mistakes. I closed my eyes, fighting back tears. I lied. I never really did try to be a better man for her.
But trying to be someone else was harder than it seemed
I wanted to be better. I wanted to be the man in her life. The guy she loved and needed. I wanted to be that guy, the one that she loved. But I couldn't live up to her expectations and I barely made the effort. I was an idiot for letting her go. She's the love of my life and now…
And somehow I got caught up in between
Now I'm all alone. And I only had myself to blame. Asshole. I opened my eyes and took a deep breath and headed home, head down staring at my shoes as I walked down the street to my car, my mind flashing back to the last time we had this.
Between my pride and my promise
"I can't believe this," Jude said, tears falling down her face.
"Jude, I…I…It was a mistake. She was a mistake. I love you." I told her, realizing what an idiot I was. I was throwing away Jude for some nameless face. A one night stand. What the hell was I thinking?
"I…I don't…I'm confused." She told me, tears falling down her face.
"I'm so sorry." I told her again, wrapping my arms around her. "I love you." I whispered to her, kissing the top of her head. "It won't happen again." I promised as her soft sobs broke my heart.
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way
I got into my car and closed the door behind me, banging my head lightly on the steering wheel. What the hell did you just do, Quincy? I asked myself. I wanted to throw up. I hate myself right now. I did it again and this time…I had no excuse. I pursued that girl. I led her on. I probably would have brought her home with me if Jude wouldn't have caught me first. What the hell was I thinking?! I promised Jude this wouldn't happen again. What the hell is wrong with me? I love Jude. I wanted to be with her forever.
And things I want to say to you get lost before they come
And I lost her. It's done. She's never going to give me another chance. She shouldn't give me another chance. She's already gave me so many…I felt tears sting my eyes. "Fuck!" I yelled and banged my fits on the steering wheel, the horn honked and I jumped in surprise.
The only thing that's worse than one is none
I sighed heavily and put my key in the ignition and started the car. I pulled away from the club and to my apartment, feeling cold and alone. Stop feeling sorry for yourself Quincy, I scolded myself. You did this to yourself. Live with the consequences.
The Next Day
I walked into G Major, a notebook in hand. I flagged down Kwest and asked him to help me record. I hadn't laid down a track in a long time, but last night…I was inspired. I had to get some things out and I couldn't do it any other way than in song. Hopefully, Jude would forgive me. If not…well, at least she knew.
"You ready?" Kwest asked after I had the headphones over my head. No, I thought. I'll never be ready. I gave him the thumbs up and Kwest smiled at me before saying "Tom Quincy. In Between. Take 1 in 3…2…" He signaled me and the music flooded into the headphones. I bobbed my head in time with the sad music and sang.
"Let me apologize to begin with
Let me apologize for what I'm about to say"
Kwest was working the soundboards, nodding along, pleased with how it's going so far. I kept going, closing my eyes and letting my emotions into the song. It felt good to be on this side of the glass. To be singing something I wrote.
"But trying to regain your trust was harder than it seemed
But somehow I got caught up in between
Between my pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way"
I opened my eyes and saw that Jude had entered the room and stood frozen next to Kwest, her eyes locked on me. I couldn't meet her eyes and pretended that I didn't see her. This song I wrote for her. About us…but somehow, I never thought I'd be singing it before her.
"The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none"
As I sang, I started to feel braver about Jude being in the room with Kwest. How many times had the roles been reversed? If she could do it, I can. I met her eyes and continued to sing.
The only thing that's worse than one is none"
Jude kept staring at me, her expression unreadable. I put everything I had into the next verses, letting her know that this was for her. About her.
"And I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do or plan"
Her eyes softened into a look of understanding. I looked away from her and licked my lips, nervous and continued with the song.
"Fear is not afraid of you
But guilt's a language you can understand"
I closed my eyes again, blocking out Jude and Kwest and letting myself just feel. Get lost in the music and the words I had written the night before.
"I cannot explain to you
And anything I say or do
I hope the actions speak the words they can"
I opened my eyes again and took a deep breath.
"For my pride and my promise
For my lies and how the truth gets in the way"
I met Jude's eyes again and her expression was enough to steal my breath. She looked so sad, so understanding, loving, and resentful all at the same time.
"The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse is
Pride and my promise
Between my lies and how the truth gets in the way"
Reading her eyes, I know what was going on in her mind; she was always an open book to me. Despite what I had said last night, I knew what she wanted from me. And somehow, I just couldn't make myself be that person. It's hard to be someone that you're not. I'm not a good person. Never have been. I don't blame her for hating me. I hate myself as much as she does. If not more.
"The things I want to say to you get lost before they come
The only thing that's worse than one is none"
I watched as Jude turned around and headed for the studio doors. I closed my eyes and sighed.
The only thing that's worse than one is none
FINISHED