Hey there readers!
This is my first Attack on Titan story, and so I'm trying to keep it short by keeping it just a one-shot. I have been reading the work of others, and I'm quite pleased to say there are some really, really good pieces out there! I was really inspired to try to add to the masses, so I wrote one of my own. I don't think I'll be writing anything more than one-shots in this fandom, assuming I were to write more in the future. At the current time, there are FAR too many holes in the series for me to feel very confident about what I'm writing, so I don't want to write anything with a drawn out plot that requires more knowledge than we currently have.
None the less though, enjoy, and try to keep busy while we wait for more updates from the REAL Attack on Titan author! Until then, we'll just have to keep writing and contemplating what lies ahead.
Enjoy!
Hanji was eccentric.
That was an understatement really. Though her squad had never understood her odd fascination with the Titans, they managed to tolerate her, which was more than she could expect from any other regiment of the military.
Hanji was gracious, and understanding. Even in areas she didn't fully understand, she tried to be respectful and give people the benefit of the doubt – even the titans.
But now, now Hanji was mad.
Today had been a long, hard day where the Survey Corps endured yet another loss. They never could catch a break with the Titans, could they? Even with the promising addition of Erin Yeager amongst their ranks, the expedition had not just been fruitless; entire flanks had been taken out, new recruits had been psychologically traumatized, and what was worse; they had virtually nothing to show for it. The goal of the 57th expedition had been to capture the female type titan and gain some ground against the titans – work towards reclaiming wall Maria - however in they end, all they had managed was to get Erin back from the Titan's clutches and return back to wall Rose.
Granted they had learned a few new interesting traits that would likely keep her buried in paperwork and studies for weeks, but all in all, the expedition had been a bitter failure. She had heard that they suffered extreme casualties for this round, and though the news tore her, nothing burned nearly as much as when she was told that Levi's advanced squad – her teammates – had been obliterated. Apparently, the female type titan had displayed remarkable healing abilities and took the squad out with ease.
The news had gravely upset her, and understandably so. They had been her comrades and it hurt that she had lost even more people in what seemed like a pointless blood bath. She understood that it was expected for the troops to be upset and scared – especially the new recruits that had barely returned. She expected that an unseasoned soldier would have a hard time dealing with the loss of their friends and family. She knew they would despair and cry at their first taste of what would sadly become a constant reality for them. Learning to grieve and move on was an unfortunate specialty of the Survey Corps. What she didn't expect however, was to see a certain Captain Levi, drinking himself to oblivion in his room.
Hanji felt her lips pull downward as anger started to course through her. While she understood others not handling the circumstance well, this was Levi. Levi was one of the best, and debatably the most experienced. He had seen more comrades fall than anyone else and had never resorted to such measures before.
Walking in without so much as a tap on the doorframe, Hanji crossed her arms, pointing around the room with obvious distaste, "What's this?" she demanded, her voice sharp and doing little to mask her irritation.
Levi sat at his desk – slouched was the more appropriate word – holding a full glass of what she believed was either straight bourbon or whiskey. Sprawled across the desktop were various bottles of alcohol, some still unopened while others had a considerable amount already gone. Hanji eyed them suspiciously.
"Won't you come in." Levi stated, not bothering to even look up at her before taking a long drink, not hiding his look of distaste after swallowing the bitter liquid.
"What are you doing?" Hanji asked, giving him a pointed look. He still had yet to even look at her.
"Drinking." Levi stated plainly, swirling the contents of his glass and watching it with disinterest.
"This." She emphasized again, "You're going to drink all of this?"
Levi shrugged at the notion, "That, or pass out trying. Why, you wanna join?"
Hanji continued to eye the various bottles, shaking her head in wonder, "Where did all of this even come from? We don't keep liquor here, it's too dangerous to allow any of the recruits around the stuff – especially the new ones."
"I bought it in town." Levi responded, taking another drink, "Obviously."
Hanji huffed, moving towards the captain wordlessly. Grabbing the drink out of his hands and setting it loudly onto the desk with a thump, Hanji waited and glared down at him expectantly. Giving a light sigh, Levi looked at the drink, finally up to Hanji, fixing her with a trademark scowl, "I'll take that as a notion that you don't want a drink then. You could have said so from the start."
Hanji took a breath, trying to be patient. "No thank you." She rolled her eyes, finding the conversation was going nowhere, "I can see that you're drinking Levi, I'm not stupid, and you know that's not what I'm asking. What I'm trying to understand is why? You've lost people before, and we've had greater failures in the past. What's with you?"
Levi scoffed, giving a small chuckle before grabbing his drink again, sipping at it slowly, "Is that all? Hanji, I'm a grown man. I can drink if I want to. I don't need your disapproving glares and life speeches. If that's all you have to say, then you can leave. I don't need to explain myself to you."
Hanji pressed her lips together. Prying information out of difficult characters was a large part of her life's work; she was not yet done with the stubborn soldier, "Was it because we have all been together for so long now, that this time it hurts more?" Her goal wasn't to scold Levi, not really anyway. Truth be told, she could care less if he drank or not, but it was the manner in which he was drinking that concerned her.
He was drinking to forget today.
The military couldn't afford Levi to forget and succumb to his pain. It was those memories, those crushing, painful, burning memories that pushed him to fight when others would give up. It was the bloodied promises and fallen comrades that made him the best soldier the military had yet produced. Levi could not start to cave under the pressure, not now. Not while there was still so much unknown about the Titans.
Levi stayed silent, ignoring her gaze as he started to pour more brown liquid into his glass.
Hanji suppressed a sigh, prying deeper, "Was it because you couldn't protect them? Because the mission failed?" Silence slowly blanketed the room, and while Hanji didn't want to keep pressing him so, she felt she had no choice. Who else was left to talk sense into him now? "Do you feel they died for nothing?"
"Leave me alone Hanji." Levi's voice was rising, expressing that he had no intention of responding to her questions.
Hanji continued, not one to be easily deterred, but really – he wasn't helping her in the least. "Was it Petra?"
Levi looked up at her sharply, his eyes dark and full of warning. He set his jaw and glared venomously, though remained silent. She felt her heart go out to him, knowing all too well the countless sufferings and deaths he had been exposed to far too often, "Was it because she loved you?"
"Hanji." Levi stated, his voice raised and authoritative, "Leave." His knuckles turned white as he gripped the glass cup firmly, his previous frown turning into a snarl.
She stayed firmly rooted in her spot, not at all intimidated by his dark tone of voice, "…Was it because you loved her?"
Levi slammed his drink down, the liquid spilling over the edges while he roughly stood up, glaring up at the scientist, "Hanji, dammit, leave me alone!" he demanded loudly, arms fisted tightly at his sides.
She wasn't surprised that he reacted so strongly. Though they had never talked about their personal lives - attachment after all was far too risky in the Survey Corps - she hadn't missed how Petra's eyes always shined a bit brighter when Levi was around, and how they lingered a bit too long as she watched him leave. Hanji paid no mind; it didn't seem as though Levi noticed (or if he did, it wasn't something he acted on) so life went on as usual. None the less though, the knowledge undoubtedly weighed heavily on the captain. She imagined that her death perhaps was the final straw.
"You can't save everyone you know." She continued factually, not deterred by his angered stance, "As the battle continues, more will die. You know that better than anyone."
"Of course I do!" Levi all but cut her off, his voice growing even louder, "I don't need you to remind me of something so obvious, and I don't need your damned pep talk either. Now get out of my room."
"No!" she hollered back, glaring down at him, "Don't you get it? You don't get to drink away the memories, and you don't get to waste your mind away to this junk to help 'take the edge of' or whatever you tell yourself you are doing right now. I know it hurts, but this-" she emphasized by grabbing a bottle and giving the liquid a shake, "is not the answer, Levi."
Opening his mouth, but then closing it after finding he had no response, Levi gave a 'Tch' and turned back towards the table, grabbing the bottle from her hands and topping his glass off again. Bringing it up to his face once more, Levi seemed very disinterested, ignoring her all together now. If she wasn't going to leave, he would simply ignore her until she took a hint or plain gave up. Hanji was indeed stubborn, but Levi was not in the mood to indulge her.
Shocked at his audacity, Hanji narrowed her eyes and slapped the glass roughly out of his hands, not even flinching at the noise when the cup shattered against the back wall.
Watching the liquid drip down, Levi frowned even more, seemingly understanding that Hanji would not be leaving any time soon. He pressed his lips together, unable to meet her gaze as she studied him. Thinking over her words, he gave a course laugh, his previous tone having died down to a whisper, "Don't get to, huh? So Hanji," Levi trailed off, slowly looking up at her again, "You expect me to be perfect?" his voice was bitter as he laughed, shaking his head, "I'm just a man."
Hanji gave a nod, moving toward the desk and clearing away some of the bottles so she could prop herself up. Sitting down, she looked over toward him, frowning, "True, but you're the best man we've got, and it would be a shame if after surviving the Titans so many times we lost you to something like this."
A heavy silence fell across the room and Levi contemplated her words with inward despair. He would never show it, and he would never say anything, but he was beyond tired of fighting and losing. He was so tired of watching his friends die, and again being the only one to come back. It just wasn't fair. It's not that he wanted to die, but anything would be better than his apparent purgatory of a battle that never managed to kill him, but took out everything and everyone he came to care for. How much longer would he have to survive this maddening hell?
"You can't forget Levi, all those promises you've made in the past." Hanji stated quietly with conviction, grabbing a bottle and looking at the contents while she spoke, "I heard you know. You promised that you would eradicate the Titans - each and every one of them." Hanji sighed, setting down the bottle and folding her hands in her lap, "I'm sorry that your team is gone again Levi. Truly. They were wonderful soldiers and great assets to have, more importantly though, they were friends. You can't give up, because all our friends past will have died for nothing if we can't somehow win this battle. "
Pausing lightly, Hanji looked up at the ceiling, reminiscing over past battles and her time with the Survey Corps, "So many people have lost it all, and yet we still manage to survive. They'd want us to keep going and to keep fighting even without them, you know?"
Hanji looked over at Levi, who was watching her intently, and though his face was still without expression, she knew her words were finally resonating. She didn't enjoy tearing him down like this; lord knew that if anyone had reason to drink in such a way, people who dealt with the Titans would be high on the list, but fate was just too cruel. Levi could not give up the fight, mentally or physically. Like herself, no matter how bad things became, he would always have to give it his all even past the point of exhaustion. They didn't have time to mourn and wallow at their bad fortune. They had to press on. They had to.
Levi looked at the floor, narrowing his eyes as he mumbled lowly, "…Hanji, I'm tired."
"I know." All too well.
Levi looked at the bottles across his desk, surveying the labels for a moment, "To be honest with you, I don't like whiskey. It's a bitter drink, and the shit burns." Levi put the lid back on one of the bottles, setting the bottle back down before sitting back down at his desk, "I should have tired some of these first, I'll probably end up throwing it all away." Levi took a breath, loosening his cravat and looking over at Hanji, "As for you, don't you have some freaky research or something to do?"
A small smile pulled at Hanji's lips as she moved down from her perch on the desk, "As you will Captain. Sorry to disturb you."
Hanji left the room, feeling somewhat accomplished, yet even that was bittersweet. They had made it through the day by all technicality. Tomorrow would be a new day– their first day without the famed 'Team Levi'.
Fate truly was a cruel thing indeed.
The next morning came far too early for Levi.
He had never been accustomed to drinking, and he had taken it farther than he would have liked in attempts to quell the memories that haunted him. His head throbbed and each task seamed needlessly difficult; even managing to get out bed had been a chore.
Moving down the hallway to the main quarters, the silence seemed deafening. Usually by this time, his team would be in full swing, eating breakfast or sharpening their weaponry; bickering amongst each other like children. It would usually be at this time he would enter the room, tell them all to shut the hell up, and they'd get started with the day's responsibilities.
He wasn't sure when things had became so routine; so reliable. The quiet served only to remind him of what he had again lost. He frowned in distaste at the empty room.
Moving fully into the room, Levi's eyes fell onto a cup of coffee setting at his regular seat. Petra had always been sure to make the coffee for everyone in the morning, however now…
He eyed the cup wistfully, sitting down and looking down at the dark brown liquid. He could see in his reflection from the coffee that he looked just as bad as he felt, perhaps even worse. A packet setting beside the cup caught his attention. Picking up the object, he quirked his eyebrow in seeing that someone had left him a dose of Alka-Seltzer. Who had…?
"Morning!" came the joyful voice of Hanji from the kitchen. She came out carrying another cup of coffee and a glass of water. She seemed genuinely happy, and Levi internally reconfirmed that he would never understand the strange scientist – not even for a minute. Not that he expected her to come out crying or mope around or anything, but how she kept on the way she always had, it was nothing short of confounding.
Setting the water down beside him, Hanji continued down the table to her regular seat, light reflecting off her glasses for a moment while she sat, "How are you feeling?"
"Like shit." Levi admitted honestly, grabbing the packet of Alka-Seltzer and dropping it into the water, waiting for it to fully dissolve. He heard an amused chuckle from Hanji, though she said nothing further and the room fell silent, though not uncomfortably so. Where the silence before had felt suffocating as he entered the room; now it felt comfortable. Hanji knew all too well what horrors they had all experienced, and seen her fair share of friends die. It helped just being in the presence of someone who understood what was lost.
Taking time to drink the bubbling water, Levi brought a hand to his throbbing temple, attempting to will the dull ache away. Needing to wash the taste of the medicine out of his mouth, he grabbed the coffee and took an experimental sip.
"It's strong…" he stated as he set the cup down, blinking a few times in surprise before looking over at Hanji who seemed to have busied herself by reading some of the Expedition reports.
"Hm?" she stated as she looked up from the folders, momentarily confused, "Oh the coffee, right. Sorry, do you want some cream or sugar with it maybe? I could always-"
"It's fine." Levi cut her off, taking another drink of the savory coffee. Petra had always made the coffee a bit more mild, and usually sweetened it before she brought it out for everyone. The darker flavor was surprisingly refreshing.
The two sat in silence as they drank their coffee. Hanji would mention a random fact she found interesting on the report, Levi would comment on how deranged she was to consider Titans the way she always had, then she would laugh and continue to read in silence until the next fact came that she felt the need to share.
The day after an expedition had always been hard, though this was not the first time they had gone through something like this. The knowledge that his team, his hand picked team, were all killed in battle – it hurt. The knowledge was always hard to accept, and it never got easier – but the sun had still risen, and the battle still pressed on. They may not be here, but his promises would remain. When his friends died and were lost one by one to the Titans, it would only strengthen his resolve. He would not stop, no, he couldn't stop until all the Titans were destroyed.
Taking him out of his thoughts, Hanji stood up, the noise of the chair sliding across the floor slightly echoing in the empty space. Moving into the kitchen once more, he could hear her shuffling around the cupboards until after a few moments she returned with the coffee pot and a thermos, "Sorry to fly, but I really have to get to work with the new data and the like from the Expedition." She filled up her cup and looked at Levi, filling up his almost empty cup with the remaining coffee and smiling, "Be sure to eat a good breakfast Levi, you look terrible."
He rolled his eyes as he took another drink of his coffee, the coffee almost burning his tongue now that most of it was fresh again. As Hanji moved the pot back into the kitchen, Levi cleared his throat, speaking up to ensure she would still be able to hear him, "Hey Hanji, do you know if Erwin is still around?"
He could hear water running from the kitchen, he assumed she was rinsing out the dishes, "Um, he has some things to sort out with the Military Police apparently, but I think he's still lurking around for the time being."
Levi nodded as continued to sip at his coffee, being careful not to burn himself again, "Good." He gave a sigh, setting down his coffee cup and folding his hands in front of him. He spoke in an authoritative tone, also wanting to start today's tasks, "I have a favor to ask in that case."
Thermos in hand, Hanji left the kitchen and returned to the room, leaning against the back wall, "Oh? What can I help you with?"
Levi wished his head would stop throbbing, but he was grateful knowing that the medicine would kick in soon. He would need a clear head to get through today. "I need you to talk to Erwin and get files of the remaining soldiers in the Survey Corps. In time, I'll need to build another elite team, and I'd like to start monitoring potential candidates as soon as possible."
He noted that Hanji wore a look of surprise, though she quickly regained her composure and studied him for a moment. Taking a long drink of the coffee, Levi leaned back in his chair, "See that I have them by nightfall."
Hanji grinned, having long been used to Levi's sore lacking social graces. Holding the warm thermos, Hanji gave a nod at her comrade, gathering her files and preparing to go about her duties, "Alright, consider it done then. I'll have the files to you as soon as I can."
Headed out towards the hallway, Levi's voice stopped her, "Hanji."
She turned around inquisitively, looking at the young captain curiously, "Yes, Levi?"
"Thank you." He stated quietly with conviction, looking down at the table.
Hanji smiled brightly, even though she knew he wouldn't see it. She gave a light nod again, waving over her shoulder as she left the room, "Happy to help." She paused in step, turning around slightly, still smiling warmly, "And between you and me, you are much more suited to be drinking coffee than drinking whiskey. It suits you."
It wasn't until Hanji left the room fully that Levi felt a small smile at his lips.
Taking another drink of the dark beverage, Levi finished his cup and set the porcelain down, the light thud being the only noise left to be heard. Hanji really did make the coffee strong. He had been drinking Petra's coffee for so long now, it was almost too abrasive for him, and he had forgotten the full flavor of a more robust mix. If Hanji planned to continue making the coffee each morning, he would have to adjust to the change. Despite himself, Levi found himself smiling still at the idea.
Somehow, the coffee was stronger than the whiskey.