Kerrigan: The Cheat -- Revised Edition
Here's a fun-one shot about the real Sarah Kerrigan before she was infested, turned into a Zerg, and decided to kill everything in sight for reasons never quite touched on! (Obviously, this story will contain some extreme cases of sexuality. I tried to deal with it as best I could, but if this sort of thing bothers you, I'd advise you not to read it).
BLIZZARD Entertainment owns Starcraft itself and all references to it.
REVISION: Three years later I come back to correct lore-inconsistencies, poor grammar, bad jokes, and added a few more characters and plot to the point where it's almost a new story. Enjoy!
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Kerrigan and Jim Raynor sat alone in the conference room of the battlecruiser, Hyperion, discussing the events they had had the night before. Artanis was also there on holiday, but was currently on the deck below enjoying a rather delightful Wine and Cheese Party two homosexual marines were hosting. Arcturus was in the Mess Hall with the Marines trying to settle today's argument over 'Who-Could-Shove-What' up their nose, and General Duke was sleeping, because he's old; and old people like to sleep. Beyond this, they were all in a very optimistic disposition, completely unaware of the rather horrible events they would soon experience within the next 8 seconds.
"Heh, you were awesome last night, Kerrigan." Said a cheerful Jim Raynor who was currently putting his feet up on the conference desk.
"Ha-ha… well…, I had years of practice…" replied a just-as cheerful Sarah Kerrigan.
This unexpected answer caused Raynor to shoot a confused look at her; at the same time Arcturus Mengsk happened to walk into the small room with a "Mornin' everyone".
"What do you mean 'years of practice'?" Raynor questioned Kerrigan, obliviously ignoring Mengsk's greeting. However, being the attention-whore the man was, being ignored was a particular 'no-no' in Mengsk-World, however the current situation made him more curious than angry. Mengsk raised an eyebrow.
"'Years of practice'?" He copied Raynor while eyeing the female member of his crew "What did she happen to have 'years of practice' dealing with?" Mengsk took a seat by Jim, also nearly unaware of the stupidity which would soon consume the room. Kerrigan gave an embarrassed giggle as a response.
"Oh well um…. You uh know… lot's of…. Unsuccessful relationships?"
"Hey wait..." Raynor pulled his chair back in shock "You've been with another man?!"
"Well... I wouldn't limit it to only 'man'" she quietly noted while playing with her thumbs.
"What! Kerrigan what is going on here!?" Mengsk took his turn of shooting a question at Sarah, also turning a notable colour of pink.
"You mean to tell me I slept with a… a… slut?" Raynor stood up, nearly knocking the table over.
"Huh… Kerrigan… I thought you loved me?" Mengsk questioned Kerrigan with sadness and shock in his voice.
"Oh er… well um… you know… I'm just… testing different…" she took a few seconds to find a good wording for it. "Different… humanoids" Kerrigan smiled innocently.
"Humanoids!" Both of the males of the room sounded outraged. Edmund Duke walked in slightly annoyed:
"What the hell is going on in here? Oh… hello Kerrigan- honey!" The last word being only slightly above a whisper, obviously being intended for only a single member of the cabin to hear it.
"YOU'VE SLEPT WITH HIM?" Raynor shouted "He's at least sixty years old!"
"Seventy-three" Edmund corrected.
"What…? I was curious…" Sarah defended herself, thinking it perfectly natural to want to experiment with older men.
"My god… who else did you sleep with?" Mengsk went pale. Kerrigan raised her hand and slowly counted her fingers, as she ran out of fingers, she blinked and pulled out a calculator and started pressing numbers. She stopped for a minute then began to think. With a snap of her fingers she pressed a few more keys, and then frowned at the screen.
"It says: 4.782969 92-E, what's the 'E' stand for?" Edmund fainted, while Jimmy's jaw dropped.
"Who the fuck did you sleep with… I doubt we even have that many Terrans in our militia!"
"Well… no, I mean… When I was temporarily captured by the Protoss-way back when- I tried some… stuff" Kerrigan thought out loud "But, with humans I mostly slept with the marines… and a few of those hot Battlecruiser captains… no- actually a majority of our pilots. Oh, and like… Half of our medics."
"Guh…" Raynor stammered "All of our medics are women" Kerrigan shrugged. As if on cue, Artanis walked in the room, only have sober from the festivities below.
"Hey Kerri" he psionically announced to the room "Those blokes downstairs just taught me a crazy thing we can do with a carrot at our next session!!"
Sadly, no one was able to give out their expected shock of surprise, as the computer interrupted this by giving a few blinks and beeps and squeaked:
"Incoming transmittion from the Protoss Carrier, the Gantrithor. Oh… and hello Kerrigan sweetie" As the computer faded out, they swore they heard it giggle. Soon Tassadar's face appeared on screen and cooed:
"Hey Kerrigan… how's it going babe?"
"Holy shit…" Raynor fainted
Kerrigan smiled back and said in a flirty voice: "hehe… hey Tassy!"
"Just checkin' in on ya' babe, I'm going off to destroy the overmind on Char… again... because that's all we Protoss ever seem to do... Me, you, and Artanis still 'on' for tomorrow night?"
"Of course Tassy… wouldn't miss it!"
"We're going to use a carrot too!" Artanis interjected with pride
"Alright! I love mixing it up!" Tassadar cheered with ecstacy
"I can think of about sixteen things to do with it!" Kerrigan informed everyone
"I think I need to get to the infirmary" Duke moaned with pain
"Alright… Bye babe… off to destroy the evil Overmind"
"Bye Tassy!"
"En Taro Adun noble Tassadar! Your victory shall make our orgy all the more glorious!"
The screen faded and ended with the electronic "Transmittion ended" The computer beeped once again and squeaked: "Incoming transmition from an unidentified vessel" The screen then displayed a rather gruesome eye of some monstrous Zerg.
"Overmind-Bloke!" cheered Kerrigan
"Hello Kerrigan, dear-" Overmind-Bloke began with odd arousal in its voice. His greeting would not be finished as Raynor regained consciousness and pointed at Sarah:
"Kerrigan! I can't believe this you… you tramp! How could you?" Kerrigan shrugged and said
"Come on Jimmy… I just get curious and… hey… is Duke alright?" Everyone looked at a rather dead General Duke lying on the floor with his eyes wide open, and a hand clutched over his chest.
"Oh my god… he had a heart attack!" Shouted Raynor. At the same time Arcturus hissed at the group of them:
"Shh… if that-that Zerg knows we just lost one of our top generals, it'll send its forces at us at once!"
"So?" Kerrigan whispered back "It's just our one general… he really didn't do that much anyway.
"Yes…" Arcturus answered "but if the confederate forces that went along with Duke found out, they may rebel against us! Also our main forces are on Chau Sara, trying to regain the planet!"
"Oh…. Okay" replied a half confused Kerrigan
"Kerrigan, dear?" the Zerg croaked "What's going on"
"Nothing, my Sexy-Tentacled Zerg, I was just wondering if I should be infested as you recommended so I can feel a whole different 'experience'!" Kerrigan smiled
"Yes…" the creature croaked "and once you are infested, we will be joined as one… my life will be yours, and yours mine… we can exist forever ruling the galaxy and… doing what you do best! Well… I must go now… I think the Protoss are going to strike us soon, again… Goodbye, Kerrigan"
"Bye Z-" however just as Kerrigan was about to say goodbye and close the transmission a marine walked into the room.
"Hey guys! Guess what! Charley just shoved, like, 20 chips up his nose! It was brilliant! When he sneezed they went EVERYWHERE! And- Bugger, man… General Duke! He's dead, man! General Duke died! I sure as hell hope the Zerg don't find this out. Because the bulk of our forces are all on Chau Sara trying to retake the planet while all of our higher-ups are in this low orbit with our engines cold and uncharged; meaning that even if we started heating these things up now, we have about a 15 hour time-frame of being possibly over-run and decimated … plus since we're all partying, we're weak enough as is, so if any Zerg find out… we're y'know… fucked" The marine then walked out, and down the hallway to the mess hall were he would soon beat Charley's record by 42 chips.
"Also," added Artanis "We're all quite drunk."
EPILOGUE:
The Zerg learnt of the Terrans' weakness, and they sent a small army and easily captured and killed every single Terran in the fleet (with the exception of Sarah Kerrigan, obviously). In Raynor and Arcturus' final hours, they experienced gay sex as they were both curious what it was like.
The Protoss decided to screw attacking the overmind, since they got tired of doing it over and over again. So for the hell of it they eradicated all Terran life on Chau Sara.
Kerrigan was infested by the Zerg Overmind. She then proceeded to have sex with every single living organism she saw, with the exception of Zeratul because she didn't really feel much like it.
THE END!