Crap, I'm actually gonna do this. I've been planning to do this crossover for a while now, and today I might as well do my best.
Act I - Fortress
A1A1
Your name is Dell Conagher. You're the Engineer of the RED Team. It stands for Reliable Excavation and Demolition, but there's no hiding the company owner held a favoring for anything red. You're one of nine dedicated mercenaries working for the company in an insanely pointless war known as the Gravel Wars. And, despite barely having clear television, your company manages to develop extremely advanced technology, including invisibility watches, borderline immortality with the 'Respawn' revival system, the medi gun, and materials needed for you to make your own personal buildings for combat. All thanks to some mysterious element known as Australium, which is immensely powerful. The only rule (from a small contract of 4,205 rules of working here) is that you don't share any information you think someone else should not know about, with Australium and the location of bases being at the top of that list. Speaking of Australium, you were just in the process of replacing the Australium core of one of your older buildings when a beep sounded behind you.
Oh, damn, someone's messaging you again. It was Scout's idea to be more social, and despite him meaning it more sarcastically than the team figured, they all ended up getting this thing called Pesterchum, and eventually you did too. After a while, you couldn't mentally handle the idiotic rambling of your teammates on the chat, and branched out to talk to other chums. So far, no one else on the thing was really interesting, save for one user that had a very strange way of typing. Despite this, you two both shared a passion for computers and electronics, and have been talking to each other after battles nonstop.
As it turned out, it was that person in particular who was pestering you, or "trolling," as the system said for just this user. It was odd, but you chose to ignore it. Maybe there was a way of changing what it said, but you weren't in the mood to try looking. Instead, you put down the grease-coated frame of your Mini-Sentry, and sat at your computer.
twinArmageddons [TA] has started trolling baconRobotics [BR]
You smirked to yourself at seeing your Pesterchum tag. There were literally an infinite amount of other names for you to come up with, but you couldn't help but punch it into the keyboard. After all, it was the internet.
TA: hey
TA: 2tiill fiightiing?
BR: No, don't worry, I'm here.
TA: ok good. ii wa2 wonderiing iif one of your fiight2 were takiing longer than u2ual
BR: Nah, you were right on time. 8:30 PM sharp. Not bad for the whole issue with time zones.
TA: ii told you alterniia ha2 a completely diifferent orbiit than earth. fuck you remember how long iit took for me two explaiin 2weep2 compared two earth year2
BR: Yeah, I remember clear as day.
You weren't that surprised when you found out TA was an alien. You mean, yes, it's a goddamn ALIEN, but the way he talked, the way he explained things, it just wasn't how people talk. Heck, the kid even had proof, using something called an 'appearifier' to teleport organic matter from his planet to you by your request. It was similar to clay and somewhat-dirt, but some of it was made of elements you knew didn't exist on Earth. A small part of it was a dark, dull red, smooth rock TA said was something called Alternium. After a lot of time and stress on trying to put it to use, you were able to implement it as a power source in your base. That small chunk of rock was put in months ago, and it's barely been consumed at all. It's infinitely more resourceful than the golden bars from down under.
TA: 2hiit, we are gettiing way two off topiic
TA: ii wanted to giive you a report on how the teleporter ii2 goiing
BR: Oh, great! How's progress so far?
TA: well, 2o far iit work2 fiine teleportiing object2 anywhere 2peciifiied wiithout an exiit 2tructure
TA: a2 long a2 iit2 not two far away iin 2pace and tiime
TA: and 2iince our tiimeliine2 are matched and ii dont try talkiing two you iin the pa2t or future liike kk
TA: your planet ii2 ju2t iin2iide the range iit can reach
BR: That's great!
BR: Hell, that's more than great for a first try at a machine!
TA: well you can thank my friiend equiiu2 for the 2tructure iit2elf
TA: he fiigured out how to actually make iit ba2ed off the modiifiied bluepriint2 you u2e two make your buiildiing
BR: Damn, that reminds me.
BR: Spy told me to thank you for the new sapper program.
BR: Darn thing completely wipes the building clean of all data and function, much faster than his old sapper.
TA: that wa2 nothiing really
TA: anyway2, 2hould ii try appeariifyiing iit for you two try?
BR: Nah, we should hold that. Don't wanna break anything for no reason.
BR: Anyways, I have to go. Someone else is bothering me on this godforsaken Pesterchum.
TA: alriight, we can try tomorrow
BR: Farewell.
twinArmageddons [TA] has ceased trolling baconRobotics [BR]
You close out of that chat to see another one blinking. What could HE possibly want right now?
bucketsAnonymous [BA] has started pestering baconRobotics
BA: CONAGHER.
BR: What.
BA: WAS THAT A QUESTION OR ARE YOU BEING SNIPPY WITH ME, MAGGOT?
BR: Jane, you're right across the hall from where I am. If you want to talk, just walk in now.
BA: DONT YOU DARE THINK YOU CAN USE YOUR FUCKING TEXAS MIND TRICKS TO FOOL ME. I THOUGHT I WAS CLEAR WHEN I SAID NEVER TO CALL ME THAT AS WELL.
BR: Slip of the tongue.
BA: I DO NOT CARE. TEAM MEETING IN THE MESS HALL AT 2359 HOURS SHARP. DO YOU UNDERSTAND MAGGOT?
BR: Soldier, you promised you'd never do your pre-midnight meetings several months ago.
BR: Plus, making the meeting one minute before midnight doesn't really qualify it to be 'pre-midnight.'
BA: WE CAN TALK AT THE MEETING. I EXPECT YOU TO BE THERE AS AN AMERICAN AND SHOW UP ON TIME.
bucketsAnonymous [BA] has ceased pestering baconRobotics [BR]
Soldier isn't meant for this stupid program. He thinks it's like a memo board or a notice system, and consistently sends out meeting times for the stupidest things just because he figured out how to. One day you're going to find a way to permanently block his client, or at least make an AI to automatically respond to him. Funny enough, you expected to end up blocking Scout first, but he's probably the most reasonable one in a chat next to you.
After finishing working on your Mini-Sentry and whatnot, you headed down to the mess hall. You didn't bother changing out of your overalls, not that it mattered. Everyone was used to your uniform, if anything you'd look odd without a couple grease smudges or worn clothes. Once there, you see some of your teammates have arrived already. Misha, your team's Heavy Weapons guy, sat on a couch, taking up most of the space, cleaning his favorite minigun Sasha. Tavish DeGroot, the team's demolitions expert, was sober for once, watching TV on the remaining one-third of the couch, while the Scout, Travis, chatted away about whatever movie was playing. The Demoman nodded in your way, looking uncomfortable, and you give him a sympathetic smile back. Your Spy, François, was leaning on the wall, fiddling with his cigarette case. Hidden in it were 9 masks of the enemy mercenaries, which he used to blend in with them. It sounds stupid, and you brought it up before with the frenchman, but he proved its effectiveness by wearing one and smiling at your probably shocked face as he morphed into an exact copy of you. He even mimicked your voice perfectly.
You never asked about his disguises after that.
What surprised you though was that Soldier was missing. Odds are he was messaging everyone else about the meeting. You still had no idea what the hell it was for anyway. Sighing, you grabbed a beer from the fridge and sat down on the opposite couch, watching the movie with the others. Odds are Soldier wants to 'discuss' battle tactics, which is pretty much him yelling what you all do wrong and that you should listen to him to win battles more.
"FALL IN, MEN." a deep voice boomed through the hallways, and you jumped almost a foot off the couch. You could tell why he types in all capital letters. You walked over to the dining table, which was long enough to hold twenty people. Jane was standing at attention on the opposite end of the table, his helmet over his eyes, probably 'watching' as you all walked in. Slowly, the other missing mercs began filing in, ending with David, the team's Pyro. Despite spending every second of the day in a suit, you thought he was pretty cool. He was, after all, and had quite a few talents you guys never knew about him. Especially after finding turntables under his bed.
"MEN, I THINK AT LEAST ONE OF YOU KNOW WHY WE ARE HERE," the Soldier yelled, finally breaking his posture as the Pyro sat next to you. "Actually, no, Doe, we don't," you replied, readjusting your goggles. "There's a lot of things it could be." He chuckled at you, giving you an odd glare behind his helmet. "Ohhh no, there's only one thing it could be," he said, pulling a rock out of his pocket before slamming it down on the table. "You're DECORATING WITHOUT PERMISSION, ENGINEER."
It was a small red rock, that was somewhat glowing. He found the Alternium somehow. "I found THIS while I was doing my daily PATROL!" It was amazing how he managed to remove the Alternium from the core you put it in, and how plain stupid he was, but there was another question that was bothering you now. "Hey, Jane, what's running the-"
The power immediately went out as you silently cursed to yourself. You had to fix it now, being the only one to understand any of it. You grabbed the alien mass of rock, smacked Doe in the back of the head, and you head down to the generator using the light on your helmet. You swear, there's days you wonder why you took the job.
Dell: Be someone else