The Tracks of my Tears
A/N1: Takes place shortly before S7 "Vanishing Act". Possible spoilers for S6 "Silencer", S6 "The War at Home", and S7 "Purgatory".
I got the idea for this fic when I noticed that Eames had started wearing make-up again in S8. The exact timeline of her going "fresh-faced" might not match my storyline, but I don't care.
I don't usually write stories from third person objective POV – let me know how I did.
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"Hey Bobby, wanna get some lunch?"
It was the first time the invitation had been extended – by either of them – in a long time.
"Actually, I packed my lunch today." Goren's expression was rueful, not tight and closed the way it had been the last time he'd refused, over a year earlier. The fury and self-pity he'd radiated around the time of the Dockerty case was gone, and in its place a terrible, helpless sadness that he tried to hide.
"Um, I actually packed mine as well," Eames replied with a slightly embarrassed smile before looking away, her face hidden behind her curtain of hair. "I just want- I mean, I thought…" Eames sighed with a shake of her head and grabbed the top folder in her in box, flipping through the pages with forced energy.
"Sounds good. Wanna go to the caf?"
Eames looked up to see an expression of cautious hope on Goren's face, mirroring her own.
"Sure," she nodded and turned to grab her bag.
"Or, um, we could go to the park?"
Those words had not been spoken in a long, long time. The park was the locus of their happiest lunchtime memories, and had been a frequent destination for many years. The mood wasn't as tense as it had been the last time he'd asked, when Eames told him she had plans already and he found out from Ross she'd been eating with Peter Lyons in the caf. But it was still risky, as far as invitations went.
Eames stopped short with a small wince, but when she spoke, her voice was soft but sure. "The park would be great. You got sunscreen?"
Goren managed a laugh as he stood. "I think I could use a bit of sun, don't you?"
"Well yeah, but I wasn't going to say anything. Wait a sec while I put some on." Eames marched off to the ladies', and Goren shuffled back and forth around the corner of his desk before sitting down again with a sigh.
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Their lunches together had been a touchstone for both of them – a way to express their respect, appreciation and affection without words. It was also a show of solidarity for two detectives who had their own reasons for feeling a bit apart from their colleagues. After many years of harmonious work and friendship, both came to rely on the foregone conclusion that the other preferred their company above all, most of the time – and when the invitations were turned down and then disappeared, and when neither of them could muster the wherewithal to make their way back, the resulting wounds were both a cause and symptom of their painful distance.
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"Bobby-"
"Eames-"
Their lunches were gone and the two detectives sat in a kind of restless torpor.
Eames pursed her lips and turned towards her partner, then inhaled, but before she could speak Bobby continued.
"I'm sorry."
Eames recoiled and a guarded look fell over her face. Goren, whose gaze had been fixed keenly on her, shook his head but didn't turn away.
"No, listen," he continued softly. " I've missed this-" he waved haphazardly around them, "And I've missed you. And… I know, I know it's my fault what happened. I shut-"
He trailed off as he watched Eames, who was turned away from him with her hands clutching her knees, shaking her head and whispering, "No."
"No, Bobby," she said firmly, "I'm the one who's sorry. I've missed you too, and I asked you out to apologise to you."
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Eames leant forward and covered her eyes with one hand. "I'm so, so sorry – for taking something away from us that we both needed, just because you didn't act the way I wanted you to. I know I was punishing you, and that was so wrong of me – I should have been more understanding and just – better. I should have been a better partner to you, and a better friend." The words came out in a whispered rush, and by the end she was trembling, and tears were leaking out in the cracks between her fingers.
Goren reached forcefully for her but paused, then finally rested a hand in the middle of her back and grasped her free arm gently with the other.
"No Eames, I'm sorry, and I really need to say this." He spoke without taking his eyes off her. "I know, I don't disagree with what you said. But I – I started it, and I, um-" He stopped speaking as Eames shook her head violently and whimpered, "It doesn't matter, it doesn't matter. Your mom, Bobby. You were losing your mom."
"OK, but," he murmured, "No matter what my excuses were, I – I chose to blame you, and pity myself, and – and use the way you were acting to… convince myself that I was worthless, rather than trying to fix it." He squeezed her arm reflexively and she squeaked. "Sorry. Alex…" He tried to pull her to face him but she shook her head and continued to weep, so he leaned into her and spoke into her ear.
"You needed me to fight for you," he whispered, "For our partnership. And I should have. I should have, Eames, and I didn't." Her gurgling turned to full sobs and she covered her mouth with her free hand. "You fought for us – for me – so many times…" And with that she finally turned to him and he embraced her while she cried into his shirt. "And when it was my turn, I – "
"I took you for granted. Not – not completely, but…" Goren swallowed thickly. "I'm not doing that any more. When you need me to, to do the fighting I will, I promise." He tightened his arms around her while he spoke.
"You already did," Eames mumbled into his collar.
"I know," he said with a laugh. Eames responded with a wet chuckle. "And not too happy about it you were, if I recall."
"I was so angry at you, Bobby. But you were right to push."
"I know, on both counts. But I would have pushed a lot harder, you know." His voice lowered to the quietest whisper. "I didn't intend to spend one more day apart from you."
Eames stiffened and began to draw away, and Goren tensed in response, but she relaxed again and said, "That's a conversation for another day."
Goren continued to hold her, now with a big smile on his face, gentling his partner. After a few minutes she quieted and his expression sobered. "That was such a tough time, for both of us." Eames nodded. "Is that – I mean, I noticed… You stopped wearing makeup. Because you were – crying?" Eames grunted into his shirt. "Was that, because of me?"
"You weren't the only reason, Bobby."
"I wasn't the… only reason?" With those words his face crumpled and Goren wept into his partner's hair.
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On their way back from Atlantic City, Eames turned to her partner and grinned. "Wanna get some lunch?" Bobby smiled bashfully at her and nodded.
The End
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A/N2: I'm not sure if I like this – in fact I might hate it. It could well be way too obscure and insufficiently explained. I wrote it from the standpoint of responding to unrelated bits and pieces I've noticed in various episodes, and it may be too insider and/or subtle and/or illogical for general consumption. All kudos, concrit and flames are welcomed, especially since this writing style is a bit new to me. Also, I know it's a bit weepy, but I always imagined that – while I think Eames hates tears in the workplace – she's a deeply feeling person and I think the angst of Seasons 6 and 7 would have shaken her on numerous occasions. In public, she seems to transmute most forms of sadness into anger, but I suspect it's a different story in the ladies' room, particularly where conflict with her partner is concerned.