"BETRAYAL"
By: Vered Gilad Friedman
Summary: Dawn's POV during final scene from episode "Heart of Stone" (S04E05). Spoiler Alert for those who haven't seen the episode.
Author's note: This is pretty graphic…
Some actual quotes from the episode were used.
Disclaimer: Do not own Saving Hope.
Dawn was so relieved to see Lane waiting for her at the office. When he seemed to leave her earlier, she felt like such a failure; Unable to make it with men, unable to bear children.
She knew she had this reputation of being a cold hearted bitch. It did come with the territory of being a female surgeon in a world dominated by males, and especially the field of cardiothoracics. But she longed to be cared for, she longed for children, and for pure, true love. She couldn't even adopt a child being as her work was so demanding. Ironic, since had she had her own kids, nobody would have denied her that opportunity.
She sighed at that thought. Would she have given up her career for a child? She had no idea. Days like today made her sacrifice all worth it, but she felt like she had nobody to share her feelings with and here he was, waiting for her at her office. She felt elation.
"You came back." The delight in her voice was obvious.
He was asking her to forgive him. Of course she had to forgive him. It was her fault after all. She shouldn't have let him come into the OR in the first place. It's just that she really wanted things to work out this time, and she realized she was letting this affect her judgement.
But then they had that argument and she was upset with herself. Once again the bitch took over and drove the nice man away. Way to go, Dawn. Now seeing him waiting for her made her heart flutter. Maybe she wasn't such a failure after all.
He was still here, and he was willing to give up on their holiday plans for her. He was a man who understood her. Her being a career woman and all.
He shut the door behind her and mentioned other ways they could entertain themselves with, all the while removing his jacket.
Yes! She needed some winding down. She was excited and still high on the adrenaline rush of the brilliant surgery as she removed her doctor's coat and hung it alongside his jacket.
"Lane, that heart transplant was incredible," she told him, feeling so high. "It was just—"
He cut her emotional speech with a kiss. She was somewhat surprised but played along. He obviously had needs, she was telling herself, although, she really wanted him to understand how she felt right now.
She just wanted him to get it. To get her. "I mean, when the first heart didn't take I thought that was it, because that's usually how it goes, right? And then it just—" She went on, although he was standing so close to her, breathing so heavily.
He kissed her again and she moved backwards to get some space between them, but he moved with her and stuck his tongue in her mouth. She moved backwards even more. She was beginning to wonder if she really wanted to have sex right now. She didn't mind it, but why was he so pushy? She needed for him to listen to her; to be her friend and not only her boy toy. Why was he pushing her to the wall and shutting her up?
"What?" What was going on?! NO! Her thoughts were racing as she realized what he was doing, but she couldn't say anything. He shoved her to the wall and pressed his palm to her mouth. STOP IT! She wanted to tell him but he just wanted her to take off her skirt. She heard his zipper opening and felt him tugging at her skirt until it tore.
Her thoughts were scattered. She couldn't scream for help and he was so strong. She tried to kick back but it was futile. NO! He shoved her to the wall and she felt his penis being forced into her. She yelled with pain but her cries were muffled by his palm still glued to her mouth. 'Please STOP IT!' she wanted to say but nothing came out but more cries of pain as he kept on pushing and shoving and cutting through her with his male organ.
When will it end?!
HELP ME… She could feel him coming. She could feel his sperm rushing into her with every jolt. She felt his warm breath as he exhaled heavily by her ear. She could smell his expensive aftershave and she wanted to vomit.
If only somebody would come by her office. The walls were made of glass. Of course nobody came. It was just bad luck for her, or it was good luck for him. It was late. Almost everybody had gone home. This was her punishment for turning her job into her life.
Just get it over with! She screamed in her mind.
He was done, but he was still glued to her. Still inside of her, leaning heavily onto her and breathing hard.
Her hair was clinging to her face. He was drenched in sweat and it was seeping through his cloths onto her.
She felt disgusted. She felt humiliated. She felt ashamed. She felt guilty. She felt dirty.
She wanted to die.
And then it was over. She felt him snaking out of her. She heard him zipping up his pants. She didn't move. She didn't think she was able to. She couldn't look at him so she just remained there, glued to her office wall, as she heard him remove his jacket from the coat rack, open her office door and leave, like it was just a casual visit. Like there was nothing to it.
After a few seconds she sagged to the floor. She wasn't able to get up. She was shaking all over. Her legs had turned into mush.
She wanted to cry but nothing came out.
She just sat there, unable to believe what had just happened.
She sat on the ground for some time. Her mind was racing. Did she send him the wrong signal? How come she was unable to read him? Was she the problem? Was she only able to attract the wrong kind of guy? How will people take her seriously if they knew? How will she be able to work here with Lane? Will anybody believe her if she told them what had happened?
She felt so small and useless and helpless and she had never felt this way.
She had to get out of her office. She couldn't stay there anymore.
She got up. Her legs were still feeling unsteady. Her heart had slowed down just a bit, but she was still under the effect of her ordeal. She caught a glimpse of herself in her office mirror. She was shocked.
Her hair was all over the place, her top was partially out of her skirt and her skirt was torn. Images of the rape came back to her and she felt a tight knot in her belly.
I have to get out!
But she was a terrible mess and she couldn't have anybody see her this way. She couldn't face stares of pity and prying questions. She just couldn't. She had to get a grip over herself, and this meant fixing herself up so she would at least look decent and nobody will notice she was a wreck inside.
She rummaged through her desk drawers, hands trembling. She knew she had a sewing kit somewhere. Usually she knew the order of her desk by heart, but she couldn't concentrate and her hands and legs just wouldn't obey her. She felt clumsy and awkward as she opened one drawer after the other in her search.
Finally the elusive sewing kit was found. Shaking, she managed to snag a needle and some thread. She tried hard to thread the needle. Her hands just wouldn't stop shaking. Get a grip!
She held her hands in front of her face. She could hear her heart racing and her intense breathing. Her hands were trembling so hard. She willed them to stop. She was a surgeon. She could do this.
She stared down at her hands and she managed to get them to steady. She quickly began sewing up her skirt. She had to get out of here and she had to make sure nobody noticed.
Tomorrow was another day. She didn't know how she will deal with this. She only knew that she couldn't stay here any longer than she had to.
THE END