A/N This just kind of came to me when I was re-watching series two of The 100. I realise its not amazing, but hopefully you'll like it.
Letting me know with a comment or whatever would be great!
As per usual, I don't own the characters, just the many mistakes and poor writing style.
I hope you enjoy it!
There were moments Lexa could feel Clarke getting so far under her skin, that she was afraid Clarke would never fully leave her. Clarke was getting under her skin in a way no one since Costia
The first time they met, the sky was steel grey, with dark storm clouds like brush strokes hovering above the treeline. It wasn't warm, but it wasn't cold either, the leaves were barely moving under the sky's breath and frost's touch was months away yet. Lexa was waiting for her first clan tattoo, a mark that she had been accepted as someone's Second, along with only a handful of other young clan members. The last few seasons had brought hard, cold winters, and more had died than survived, making what should be a packed, loud, celebratory moment for Lexa fall flat.
But she didn't mind. She actually preferred it this way.
She had looked forward to the ceremonial importance of this day ever since Anya came to talk to her, to ask her about the forests and the animals and her warriors. She had looked forward to feeling that first shock of pain as the needle would pierce her skin, and final y stepping down off the platform a marked Second, a warrior in training, a future leader. But she didn't look forward to everyone staring at her, her piers laughing at the extra lines she was entitled to design herself as her position as the commander's Second. Anya had told her not to be afraid of that, to take pride in her choices, that no one else had to like or agree on something like her Second tattoo. Lexa was trying to think like this. To think like a leader. Lexa knew she could over think things, Anya had said she relied too much on her head and not enough on her heart.
She was staring at a small, pale blue and yellow bird perched on a tree close by, when she registered the feeling of somewhere staring at her. Lexa thought it would just be a passing, curious look, but the clan elder's speech was almost finished, and she could still feel it. She sighed and turned to stare back at whoever it was.
A girl was staring at her from the other end of the line of young clan members. A girl, with dirty yellow hair and purple flowers twisted in her short braids. A girl with grey eyes the colour of the sky. No one in the Wood Clan had colouring like that. They were all dark browns and blacks and indigos and tans in skin and eyes and hair.
She was beautiful, and she refused to stop looking at Lexa, even when she frowned her best frown at her.
Her name was Costia, and she had been found as a babe by a father who had just finished burying his only child and wife.
Her name was Costia, and she was as brave as she was small.
Her name was Costia, and she would take Lexa's hand and lead her deep into the forest to a clearing with clusters of small flowers and gentle bird calls and soft kisses.
Her name was Costia, and she was warm and soft and safe and swallowed Lexa's cries of pleasure with her mouth, and smirked afterwards at the way Lexa had fallen apart in front her, because of her.
Her name was Costia, and one day, when the sun was bright and the sky clear, Lexa came back from hunting and lessons with Anya to find her personal sleeping tent empty, her bed sheets and clothes and maps flung across the normally clear space, and blood against the weight bearing pole.
Her name was Costia, and one week later, her scouts returning with a head tucked under their arm, a head with dirty yellow hair, and a message of torture and pain and secrets.
Her name was Costia, and she was no more.
had when they were both just girls.
Clarke was just so frustrating. She was stubborn and smart and…and so pretty.
They were running from Monaw, and Lexa's shoulder was barely still in its socket, but all she could feel was the burn from where Clarke had held onto her hand like a lifeline, and tingling electric shocks from the searching fingers afterwards when Clarke was assessing the damage.
They were running for their lives, yet she wasn't paying any attention to where they were running, only that Clarke was with her. Clarke with hair like bright flowers only found in the sunniest of clearings and eyes like a spring sky after the rain had cleared and everything seemed freshly washed.
Suddenly they broke through dense trees, through the cloying warmth and moisture of the forest, out into a cool open clearing
To a clearing that was full of colour and flowers, and a tree that Costia had pushed her up against, slowly sliding her hands underneath her tunic, holding Lexa's gaze, with one so intense that Lexa thought she couldn't breath and every sense was on fire with Costia.
that Lexa's feet had taken to her automatically, that she hadn't visited since she had clasped Costia's face in her hands, pressing her lips against a stone cold forehead before lowering her into the ground.
The realisation made Lexa stop abruptly, with memories so strong that she fell to her knees at the pain they caused.
"Lexa! Lexa! Are you okay? Is it your shoulder?" Clarke was by her side instantly, her face pink and sweaty, blonde hair stuck messily to her neck and to her chin. Lexa could feel the heat from her closeness, and her eyes flickered to Clarke's lips as she wanted nothing more than to kiss the concern off her face.
Lexa dropped her eyes and cleared her throat. "Yes. No. I am fine." She took a deliberate step away from Clarke, before shaking her hair away from her neck. She noticed the hurt on Clarke's face before quickly looking away on the pretence of checking the area was safe
(even though she knew it was. This clearing was one of the safest place Lexa knew about)
for them to rest as the shadows grew longer and the air colder. "We should go just into the trees, and stay here for the night, we don't have enough day light to get back to the camps. Here is safe enough. We can light a fire to keep warm." Lexa turned back to face Clarke, feeling more in control with the simple task of wood collection, but Clarke was looking slightly to Lexa's right,
(something like hurt and defiantly fear in her eyes)
and at first Lexa thought she wasn't listening. Maybe the close call with Monaw had finally caught up to Clarke's brain. But then her eyes cleared, and she met Lexa's gaze, before nodding and starting to kick at the ground to clear space for a fire.
The last of the sunlight was trickling through to where Lexa sat, still awake, watching Clarke's sleeping face. Even in the ethereal green glow from the limited light and the moss that covered all of the trees around them, Lexa had never thought a face was as kind and strong and attractive as Clarke's right then.
When Lexa was told about what the Ice Queen had done to Costia, simply because Costia shared Lexa's bed and had her heart, she felt like every shallow dagger slice and red hot burning poker and fingernail removed, had happened to her, not Costia. Every small reminder of Costia was a new shard of pain, even saying her name was too much, and Lexa couldn't forgive herself for Costia's death. She went through scenario after scenario of how she could have saved her.
And every time Lexa came to the same answer.
She should not have left Costia alone.
She should have protected her better.
She should not have let everyone see the love she had for Costia.
She should not have kept challenging the Ice Queen, or kept secrets that could be pulled from a lover's lips.
She should have realised sharing her life with Costia was impossible, a weakness in her carefully crafted armour.
She should have protected her.
And so Lexa promised herself she would be a better leader if ever she was chosen by the Spirits to take over from Anya. She promised herself that she wouldn't show any weakness to the enemy. She made all of these promises to herself and to her clan members, and she had kept them so far.
But then she met Clarke.
Clarke who was so sure that love was a strength.
Clarke who used her heart to rule far more than her head.
Yet…
Clarke had got her people this far. She had got them this far in a land that was completely alien to them. And she had escaped from Mount Weather. And…
"And she saved me." Lexa whispered into the night.
Lexa had never seen Clarke act like that, like a true warrior. Clarke acted with strategic instinct, and fierce mental strength and self-determination and protectiveness
(that you should have given Costia)
even when it appeared hopeless,
(Maybe Clarke's heart was more useful that she wanted to accept)
and it had saved them this afternoon.
And now, Clarke was sleeping just at Lexa's feet, sleeping like a trusting child, sprawled out along one of the wider logs, as close to the fire as possible. Lexa smiled softly, before reaching down to brush some of Clarke's hair away from her face, tucking it behind her ear, following her jawline with just her finger tip. Her hand rested underneath Clarke's chin, her thumb hovering above her lips. A bird called loudly to its mate in the darkness and Lexa snatched her hand back, heart pounding.
Lexa shook her head at her reaction. It was stupid. Clarke wasn't the first pretty girl Lexa had met since Costia.
So why was she managing to stroll through every defence Lexa had constructed over the past five years?
Lexa sighed before shuffling back to sit on one of the many stumps, her back against the closest tree. She shuffled in her seat to get more comfortable ready for an evening on watch, before resting her hand on her dirk, her small sword long gone.
Soon the forest was filled with the sound of night time, of small creatures foraging through the soil, and soft, careful tracks of grazers. But Lexa barely registered those sounds, focused instead on listening to the long, deep breathes of the girl in front of her; the girl with the flower yellow hair and sky eyes.
The girl that Lexa was pretty sure she…
Pale orange light pushed through the leaves as the sun rose, and Lexa shifted to welcome the warmth on her face. Clarke had slept soundly through the night, only stirring slightly when a bird had landed on her foot, and later, twisting closer towards the fire when the night was deepest and coldest.
They would need to start moving back to camp soon, but Lexa couldn't bring herself to wake Clarke yet. She never thought she would sleep so peacefully, but all of the fear and worry and anger had smoothed from Clarke's face as soon as her body relaxed into sleep. And Lexa didn't want to be the reason to make it all return again.
Monaw had been whining in his cage for most of the evening, stopping once the sun was fully down. But now it had risen, and his roars had started again. He was clearly still trapped, roaring out of annoyance and frustration more than intimidation. Suddenly his roar deepened and Clarke bolted upright.
"It's okay," Lexa's voice was weak from not been used all night, and Clarke turning to face her. "You're safe." She was trying to sound reassuring, but she was…nervous about how Clarke would react.
"How's your arm?" Clarke looked like she thought about moving to touch it, but maybe remembering how Lexa moved away from her last night, or maybe just thinking better of it, she stopped herself.
(It's killing me.)
"Hurts."
(But thanks for the sling. And for asking. And…)
Monaw roared again, but it was already weakening again.
"We should go." Clarke said, turning away from Lexa again, sounding tired. "That cage won't hold forever." She moved to start heading back
(Did she even know where she was going?)
but Lexa needed to try and show her gratitude to Clarke somehow. She would have long since been food if Clarke had not risked everything for her.
"Wait," She stood, and stepped towards Clarke, her eyes flickering subconsciously to Clarke's lips and checking over her face, still covered in flecks of blood from the ordeal of yesterday. She didn't really know how to word what she was feeling. She didn't even know if she should word what she was feeling. She took another breath and instead said "I was wrong about you Clarke." Lexa paused, she was wrong about so much with Clarke, she didn't know where to start. Or what Clarke would actually believe from her. Clarke's eyes flickered to her lips, making Lexa's heart race, before meeting Lexa's eyes again. "Your heart shows no sign of weakness." It wasn't what Lexa had thought she was going to say, and when she tried to say more she didn't know how.
But it was a start.
Right?
It had been two days since they had returned to camp, and they had yet to hear from Bellemy.
Clarke was getting frustrated, and had started blaming herself for the lack of action, and Lexa couldn't stand to see her like that. So when the sun was still hours away, Lexa pulled on a light leather tunic and splashed her face clean before stealing silently into Clarke's tent. She was still fast asleep,
(and so beautiful, with blonde hair sprawling over her face and pillow)
and Lexa shook gently at her shoulder.
"Clarke! Clarke, wake up." Clarke sat up abruptly, her hand grasping for the knife she always kept close, and her eyes wide and panicked. "Hey, its Lexa." Clarke's eyes focused, and Lexa returned the sleepy smile, before biting her lip and dropping her eyes to where her hand lay next to Clarke's. "Get up. I want to show you something."
They had been walking for almost two hours when the beginning fingers of daylight reached through the trees. It had been a mostly silent hike, taking in their surroundings and the comfort of one another, without needing to talk. Occasionally, Lexa would hold a branch back for Clarke and her fingers felt like a million electric shocks snapped between them, and Lexa would struggle to catch her breath before moving forwards.
Finally the thick forest trees started to thin, and soon they were replaced by bending, supple willows and rushes. Clarke could hear water flowing fast and strong somewhere just to their left and the sun was moving upwards into the sky, bleeding pinks and blues and purples and oranges.
They were now climbing steadily upwards, and the sound of the water was so loud it felt like it was falling all around them, but Clarke still couldn't see any. Ahead of her, Lexa stopped, leaning against the closest tree and turning up face upwards, eyes closed.
She turned back to where Clarke stood still. "Come. This is what I wished to show you." Clarke hesitated slightly, before nodding and stepping forwards, their shoulders touching.
Clarke looked out at the scene in front of her. They were at the top of a pale grey cliff hanging just above a narrow, fast flowing river that slipped easily over the edge falling hundreds of feet into a shimmering, dark blue pool below. Clarke couldn't see where the water lead to after that as the pool was surrounded by giant smooth grey brown rocks, some glinting with puddles of water, others slick with moss and algae. Trees, willow or bamboo maybe, burst from rich brown soil, so high Clarke could almost reach out to brush the very tops of the waxy, dark leaves. Clarke couldn't see any movement, but bird song and rustling of leaves and the snapping of twigs floated up to where they stood. Further back, Clarke could see hills and mountains, some with patches of snow, like spoonfuls of whipped cream, whilst others were dark with dense forests, and some so far away Clarke could barely make out their shape through the early grey sky.
"Its beautiful." Clarke whispered. "What is this place?"
"Remember I said every new commander is chosen by the spirit of the old one?" Clarke nodded, still starring out over the waterfall. "Every commander, once they are no longer a second, has somewhere they go, to, talk and ask advice of the spirits, any commander's spirit, not just the spirits of the dead. I lost my connection to my spirit place when I lost Costia." Lexa paused. Mentioning Costia didn't feel like a glass shard in her heart anymore. She didn't know what that meant. There was a small part to her that hated herself for not missing Costia as she always had. She licked her lips and took a deep breath before continuing. "But, I was tracking a boar one day, when I saw a great yellow orange ball fall to the ground. I had just reached the edge of the treeline, but I kept running upwards to see it more clearly, and when I reached this plateau I…they were back, I could feel the spirits with me again. It was you, Clarke." Clarke turned to face Lexa, confused. "The ball from the sky. It was you."
The corner of Clarke's mouth turned up in a smile. "Can we sit, and, just, watch for a while?"
Lexa smiled and nodded. "This is why I brought you here. The sun begins to rise to so slowly here, and the colours are like nothing else here. I know you like drawing. I thought you might like it." She crouched low, animal like, before sliding her feet from under her, hanging them over the edge of the rock in a single fluid motion. Clarke sat down clumsily, bumping into Lexa, before grabbing her shoulder to stead herself. The contact made Lexa gasp, her body jolting at the excitement that flew down her spine. Lexa had always been careful to keep the contact between them to a minimum, not willing to trust her restraint around Clarke.
"Sorry," Clarke lifted her hand away as if burnt. "Is your shoulder still bothering you?"
Lexa shook her head, quickly. "No, you just, surprised me is all." She smiled at Clarke, before looking out in front of her again, where the sun was now almost half way up in the sky, and clouds of pink and purple and blue floated above the hills.
Lexa had always thought this spot was so impossible, the colours and textures and sounds and smells so vivid it almost hurt her to be here. She had last come here as soon as they had returned to the camps after Monaw.
Lexa had come to ask guidance. To ask Anya what she should do with Clarke.
With the impossible girl, who made Lexa's heart race faster and her breathing to falter and her skin to set alight at the smallest of touches. Lexa had climbed to the rock, before closing her eyes and spread out her hand flat across its smooth surface. The warmth from the days sun had almost gone, but soon Lexa didn't need it, as the air around her crackled and everything else appeared to melt away. Anya's eyes appeared in the blank space, for once not marked with war paint, but clear and clean. Lexa could sense the spirits of other Wood Clan commanders, even those commanders of only small fractions of the clan, but only Anya had met Clarke. Really, Anya was the only reason Clarke was still alive, the only reason Lexa had even considered an alliance between the Woods Clan and the Sky People.
As Lexa's mind filled with images of Clarke and memories of how Lexa's body reacted to Clarke, Anya's spirit became so much clearer and stronger, blocking out all the other commanders that were there that evening. Anya's spirit always liked using colour and images to communicate more than any of the others, and warm reds and rich purples bled into Lexa's memories of Clarke. Suddenly hundreds of images of Clarke flickered underneath Lexa's eyelids, surrounded by yellows and whites so bright it was almost painful. Lexa sat there, eyes closed and still, listening and sensing Anya's spirit for so long the sun was threatening to rise and bring the new day. Just as the first weak rays hit the water, Anya's spirit was lost to Lexa, but a new one, strong and familiar and safe spread through Lexa's body.
Lexa could smell sweet flowers, and blue and dark yellow filled her vision, and laughter, short and loud surrounded her. This spirit hurt. Hurt her so bad she couldn't breathe.
"Costia?" A tear ran down Lexa's face and fell onto the rock, staining it dark. "Costia, is that you?" The spirit filled Lexa's senses with the clearing where they had shared so much of their lives, empty at first, but soon she could make out a small dirty blonde child dragging a thin dark haired one behind her. Lexa's body ached in sorrow, the loss stabbing at her skin. "Costia, I'm so sorry," Lexa whispered, her words snatched by the trees in her memory, and suddenly the moss on the trees was much thicker, and a girl with much more yellow hair was asleep on the ground. "Clarke…" Lexa's body was suddenly lighter, and she felt as if she was lying on soft furs, safe and warm. The image of Clarke didn't falter, for what seamed a life time. Then Lexa felt a small, soft hand stroke her check, before her body spasmed and her eyes slammed open.
Costia's spirit was gone. And somehow Lexa knew it was gone forever.
She collapsed onto her chest, exhausted, sobs echoing all around her and her tears hitting the rock. Lexa cried for as long as it took for the sun to reach the middle of the sky. Until she felt like she could cry no more.
Lexa stood, finding a nearby puddle of water to splash on her face, and squared her shoulders. "Goodbye Costia. Goodbye." Lexa took one last look out over the waterfall before turning back towards camp.
Costia was gone.
But Clarke was not.
Lexa didn't know how it had unravelled so quickly and so far. Every step she took seemed to be pushing Clarke further and further away.
Lexa felt stuck.
She was trying to protect her people. But every decision was the opposite of what Clarke wanted, and suddenly Gustus was dragged into her tent, and they were arguing about the missile all over again.
"Octavia is a threat. If you weren't so close to her you'd see that." Lexa moved towards Clarke, something like jealousy pumping through her body.
Clarke turned angry, moving to meet Lexa's strides across the room. "Its because I'm close to her that I know she's loyal." Clarke's voice was hurt and heated, her eyes daring Lexa to contradict her. Lexa's jaw clenched, her eyes searching Clarke's face for the right thing for her to say. "Her brother is more important to her than anyone, she would never endanger his life."
Lexa couldn't hold Clarke's gaze. There was too much hurt,
(the second person that Lexa had managed to hurt by her actions)
"And you're willing to risk everything on that?" Lexa whispered, eyes flickering quickly to Clarke before moving back to the floor. She took a deep breath before stubbornly challenging Clarke's gaze. "On your feelings?" Lexa couldn't help the derision in her voice, and she regretted it instantly.
(but a leader doesn't back down right Lexa?
A leader stands her ground, right Lexa?)
"Yes." The strength in that one word was more than Lexa had managed the whole conversation in the tent, and she knew she had lost. "You say having feelings makes me weak, but you're weak for hiding from them. I might be a hypocrite Lexa, but you're a liar." Lexa lifted her chin in argument, before Clarke took steps towards her. "You felt something for Gustus," Clarke was so close Lexa could see where old dirt clung despite sweat and water having cleaned her face, and she took a faulting step back. "You're still haunted by Costia." Lexa's steps increased and quickened. It was true, but hearing Clarke say her name was like being delivered her head all over again. Lexa couldn't breathe, she couldn't follow what Clarke was saying, and she felt like a small child. Not a commander. Not someone who made decision for the benefit of her people, screw how much it hurt her. "You want everyone to think you're above it all. But I see right," Lexa hit the table, and suddenly she was afraid. Afraid of what Clarke might do and even more afraid of what she might do. "through you." Clarke didn't move away, didn't blink, and Lexa tried to grasp desperately at any authority she had left.
"Get. Out." It was all Lexa could manage. Hissing and child-like.
Clarke merely smirked, not moving at all. "250 people died in that village, I know you felt for them, but you let them burn." Clarke's face was so close, Lexa would only need to dip her head slightly and their noses would brush together.
A slight step, and their lips would be touching.
She swallowed nervously, "Not everyone." Lexa whispered. This was it. This was the point of no return her eyes trying to figure out what she could see in Clarke's. "Not you." Whatever else Clarke was feeling, there was no taking back the meaning behind those words.
Clarke took a step back, eyes moving across Lexa's face, searching for…something. Lexa didn't know what exactly. Lexa stood her ground, not blinking, trying not to show how nervous she was. How she was almost holding her breathe at the pause in Clarke's words. How she was gripping the table so hard her knuckles had turned white and the roughened wood was pushing into the soft flesh of her fingers.
"Well if you care about me, then, trust me. Octavia's not a threat."
Lexa wanted to trust her. She wanted to so badly she could almost taste the words on her tongue. Instead she whispered "I can't do that."
Clarke lifted her head, and Lexa could tell she had disappointed Clarke, that she was supposed to agree and they could try and go back to where they were in the woods after Monaw, after Clarke had made the stupid
(right)
decision to save her life.
Or when they were sat overlooking the waterfall. Able to temporarily forget their responcibilities.
"I can't sacrifice my people anymore." Clarke's voice was cold, and her face had closed down. "If you do anything to hurt Octavia, I'll tell everyone we knew about the missile." The threat was whispered, but it hit home like a train, and Lexa didn't know what to say, or how to stop Clarke walking out from the tent.
When the material finally stilled after Clarke, the magnitude of what she had just done hit Lexa, and her stomach twisted. She raised her eyes upwards, but no words or prayer came to mind to prevent her own stupidity. She took a deep breath. She couldn't cry. It didn't matter than she had broken her own heart as effectively as the Ice Queen had.
She had a clan to lead, and a war to fight.
Clarke hadn't spoken to her for a whole day, and Lexa hated it.
It had reached a point where she couldn't stand it anymore, and had sent Indra to look for Clarke.
"You scent for me?" Clarke said, walking into Lexa's tent. Lexa had spent almost two hours standing near the table, pretending to pour over the maps laid out there. She wanted to look like she hadn't been almost constantly watching the tent flaps for a sign of Clark arriving. The feeling of having Clarke in her tent again made Lexa's brain short circuit, and for a second she forgot they weren't talking and that she had more than messed up, and that the look on Clarke's face was anything but friendly.
For a second.
"Yes." God, her voice sounded…scared. Weak. She hated it. Lexa squared her shoulders slightly and lifted her chin. She needed to take the step towards apologising. She needed Clarke back. "Octavia has nothing to fear from me." Lexa's eyes moved, almost automatically, to where Clarke's shirt clung tightly to her chest, taking a pause before continuing, hoping Clarke would believe
(forgive)
her, but Clarke was still glaring back at her, and she turned back to the maps before her. "I do trust you, Clarke." Lexa chanced a glance over at Clarke, and felt the hair on her arms stand up on end when Clarke took a step towards her, as if reaching for her.
"I know how hard that is for you," Clarke's voice had softened, and it crept over Lexa like warm water in the old bath houses she had visited as a child. Lexa let out a breath she didn't know she had been holding, and turned to face Clarke fully.
Clarke looked almost happy to see Lexa now, but she could still sense some doubt. Lexa needed to keep going, to explain, to help Clarke understand. "You think our ways are harsh," Lexa took a small step towards Clarke, eyes staying forward, trying to express everything else she couldn't formulate into words. "But its how we survive."
"Maybe life should be about more than just surviving." Clarke said. "Don't we deserve better than that?" Clarke moved her head to look at the maps there, and the sadness twisting through Clarke's words felt like a knife to Lexa's heart.
She caused this.
This was her fault, for ignoring everything. For pretending like Clarke wasn't more than just the best the Sky People could offer. For ignoring the feeling of comfort in her stomach every time Clarke came to talk. For ignoring the lightness that surrounded her whenever Clarke would smile in her direction. For ignoring the pounding of her heart, and the heat that would bloom through her body when they would brush against each other.
She caused this.
Lexa's heart was stuttering, and her stomach was fluttering and clenching and twisting so much she felt sick. She tried to figure out what to say, instead, found herself staring at Clarke's lips, instead knowing what she would do. "Maybe we do." Clarke turned towards her, and she took a last breath before stepping forwards, sliding her hand underneath Clarke's hair, and bringing their lips together.
There you go! Hopefully you liked it, like I said a comment or something would be hugely appreciated :D